I started a new job this week. I am working part time at a place out in Lenexa called Black and White Specialties. So far I really like the people (all 2 of them). The drive's a bit tough, but I'll get used to it. Travis and I are engaged. That happened just over a month ago, I just haven't posted since then. It was really sweet how he asked: at the lake with the ring hidden in a book. But I didn't say yes; I said "definitely." I've been kind of a crab lately, though. Stressed with all the work and changes I need to deal with. Wedding pictures have been keeping me extremely busy. I shot one New Year's Eve, and have orders from the 2 over the summer. Plus I've shot 4 portraits since Christmas and have another one next week. That doesn't sound like much, but it's a lot when you're dealing with job hunting, interviewing, and training as well. This is usually my slow season, too. This weekend I am going to a Wedding Expo at CMSU with Michelle. It should be a lot of fun. Thankfully, the wedding fever I had following our engagement has died down a bit. I still haven't tried on any dresses yet. And I need to take pictures of my ring, too. But there should be plenty of time for that. We're not getting married till sometime in Fall 2007.

My senior show was yesterday, and it was a success. Someone actually told me my show blew everyone else's away. That made me happy. =) So all of my projects are due this week and then I have finals next week. Somewhere in there I have to get a bunch of portrait orders and a wedding order touched up and sent to the lab before their Christmas deadline. Then, Saturday, December 17th is graduation, although I will be spending that day trying to move out of my campus appartment. If I can survive through then, everything should be good. As of today, my website is up and running. =) I don't know how much I'll update on here once I graduate, considering I will be downgrading to dial-up for a while. Noone else seems to use this much anymore, though. I should get back to my gigantic "to-do" list. *sigh*

I'm bored. Not for a lack of things to do, but a lack of desire to be doing any of those things. Being a senior is stressfull. I will graduate in December, but I'm not quite ready for it. I have so many things to do for classes, plus I'm swamped with running my business, and I haven't even prepared for what I'm going to do once I graduate. I have a few job ideas, but I need to get my resume and portfolio prepared and apply for them. Then there's the question of where I'm going to live when I get out of here (and how I'm going to pay for it). Living on my own will be expensive, but there are very few people I would choose to live with and I'm not excited about going back to being around my parents all the time. I'm sure it will all work out, but right now I feel kind of awkward about it. At the moment, I'm fighting being lonely and slightly depressed. I always get this way on Sunday evenings. I had such a wonderful weekend with Travis, but it's a real downer when it ends and I've got another week by myself ahead of me. I really need to start Christmas shopping so I don't have to deal with the "after-Thanksgiving" crowds. I have no ideas of what to do for people this year. *sigh* This is why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday: it's much less stressfull. There's lots of good food, family, football, and you don't have to worry about gifts. Okay, loneliness is really starting to kick in. Is a simple IM to say goodnight and sweet dreams too much to ask? Apparently I'm just emotionally needy. This is why it's bad for me to be alone. Anyway, I have an appointment with my bed, so goodnight.

Saturday I went to the Renaissance Festival. Ran into a lot of people. Took a lot of pictures. I wore my cloak and had my hair done by the Braid'n Maidens. I bought a copy of Memory by Nene Thomas. There were a lot of other things I wish I had gotten to do, but taking pictures gets in the way of things like that. When I graduate, I want photography to be my job not my life. Kevin proposed to Michelle under the archway at the gardens out there. They are such an adorable couple. I think I was the first to find out about their engagement, although we've all known it would eventually happen. Michelle was blushing so much; it was so cute. I wish I had gotten to spend more time with Travis out there. I feel really bad. I was so concerned with getting pictures for my assignment, I didn't pay enough attention to him. I didn't realize until the end of the day just how much time I had wasted with my camera. I would have liked to have held his hand while we walked around. I would have liked to have danced at the end of the day. I would have liked to have looked into his eyes and seen him smiling and having fun. Live, learn, and move on, right? Why am I such a mess?*sigh*

I suppose it's time for me to come out of the slump of losing my hard drive, and thus most of my hard work for the past couple of years, and keep on going with life. I really need to clean my apartment...feeling despondent and drained tends to lead to laziness and I let things pile up (like the dishes in my sink and the clothes on the floor). I seem to have lost my apetite again. I go through these phases where I'm constantly hungry and can eat anything and everything in sight. Then I go through times where I know I should be hungry, and I kind of am, but nothing sounds good. This evening I was watching City of Angels on TV. I love that movie and hate it at the same time. Kind of the same as with Moulin Rouge. They just don't end the way I think they should. But they both put me in a really cuddly mood where I just want to cling to the guy I love and never let go. My entries in here tend to sound so depressed and negative. I'm not really that way most of the time...or at least I don't think I am. I am emotional, and there are times when I get thinking about things so large and complex that I become overwhelmed, but I'm really not such a downer in person (or at least I hope I'm not). I do tend to analyze things and ask a lot of questions, but it's not because I'm trying to look at the negative side...I just like to know about things from a lot of angles. We had a guest speaker this week who had a wonderful analogy for the difference between the way men and women think. Men take things step by step, like a ladder. They start at the bottom and work their way up, going through each logical step. Women weave around, like a web. We start over here, work our way over there, then across and back down and over again until we've covered every angle. Even though our approach seems scattered and illogical, a web is actually one of the strongest structures. It's amazing what I choose to talk about when I really don't have anything to say. I just thought I should update since it's been a while. Things have mostly been same ol' same ol'. Travis and I did make cloaks this last weekend, though. And we'll be wearing them to RenFest this Saturday. So if anyone else is going, maybe I'll see you there! Until then, take care!

I heard back from DriveSavers today. They weren't able to save anything from my old hard drive. Basically, every photograph I shot in the past 2 years (with the exception of portraits done between Dec. 2004 and July 2005) are gone. And this is the semester I have to do my portfolio and my senior show. I won't be able to include anything from Mid-Program Assesment (which went awesome) and I'm going to have to recreate my business cards, brochures, pricelists, order forms, etc. We are talking weeks worth of work. I either wish someone would shoot me, or that I could just walk away and never look back. I should at least be able to cry about this, but I'm too hollow to. This sucks. I need that state of mind back where everything's gonna be okay. Maybe I only had that because the disaster wasn't final yet. Now it is. All I can do is try to start over. But now I'm not sure if it's even worth it.

So I went from a wonderful weekend to having something horrible happen. When I got back from Winfield on Sunday night, my external hard drive had a little accident and I may have potentially lost a bunch of my pictures (which is horrific for a photographer). Even though I should feel stressed and upset, I am remarkably at ease. I have been whistling and humming to myself everywhere I go. I've realized that I can't change anything, I just have to deal with things as they happen. And even though I may have lost something important to me, I will survive. So I shipped my hard drive to DriveSavers in California, where they will attempt to reconstruct it in a clean room environment and transfer whatever files they can onto another hard drive. I won't know anything until probably next Friday. In the meantime, I'm feeling...free.

Tonight there was a rather interesting storm. Not really what I'd expect to see in September: amazing lightning, booming thunder, and even some hail. I couldn't resist the photo opportunity. Of course, with a storm such as this, it was inevitable that we would lose power. It went out about 7:15 and didn't come back till midnight. I didn't have much in the fridge, but I hope it's all okay. So the excitement of being stuck in the dark made for a social evening. Without TV or computers to occupy us, we actually hung out and passed the time talking. It's always amazing to see how people come together in situations like that. It would be nice if it could be that way more often. Sometimes I really think the Amish have the right idea. Anyway, I won't be posting for the next few days because I will be in Winfield, Kansas, enjoying an amazing music festival. We camp out, relax, and forget about the rest of the world for a weekend. I need this...

Today we went to Powell Gardens. Beautiful place. I got some nice images. Unfortunately, we had to leave when the light was turning beautiful. This class should really start about 4pm instead of noon. I don't have much else to say, just thought I should update. This weekend is going to be busy. Then next week is Winfield!!! Just hope I can get everything done in time. I don't seem to be very good at staying on task lately. I need more energy. And a back massage. I woke up this morning with a very sore spot on my shoulderblade. Carrying a camera bag around the gardens only made it worse. So if anyone loves me and wants to make it all better this weekend, it would be much appreciated. *hint, hint* Another hour has slipped away without my knowing. I am going to curl up in bed and forget about everything I have to do. That way I can relax for just a little bit. It will all still be there in the morning, anyway. Goodnight!

Why do I get this way? For unexplainable reasons, I feel on the brink of breaking down and crying. Every time I breathe, I can feel my throat constricting, my eyes blurring, and my heart sinking. I feel detatched from everything and everyone. Things that usually comfort me are becoming routine and losing their shimmer. I don't feel lovable anymore. I feel alone and unwanted. Most of all, I feel stupid for feeling this way. This over-emotional state comes and goes for no apparent reason. Every once in a while, I just need a hug. A real one, not just a half-hearted one. The kind that make you feel so safe and warm you get lost in it. I can't seem to get enough of that.

Look who I met today! Isn't he just adorable? For Nature & Scenic class we took a fieldtrip to Main Street Warrensburg to take pictures of the old courthouse and one room schoolhouse. While I was waiting for everyone else to arrive, this cute little kitten showed up and I just couldn't resist snapping a few shots of him. Everybody say "awwwwww!"

Today I rediscovered the world of theatre production. Since in some way or another up until now I have been cheated out of the opportunity to learn stagecraft (really learn it, not just play at it), I decided to take a class at college before I graduate. So far, it's gone pretty well. I am feeling like somewhat of an idiot trying to remember the names of all the tools, I've got dirt up my nose and under my fingernails from cleaning lights, and I've discovered my fear of hights has greatly increased...but I am enjoying it! Plus, I haven't once been asked to do costumes, make-up, or painting. Screw you Mrs. Cooper! High school theatre was a lot of fun...more because of the people than anything else. Nothing in college theatre will ever compare to the memories from stage crew at South. I mean, the people are great...but there's no orgy pad, falling "pteradactyls", movies on the scrim, backrubs, "Hoper-proof" construction, "Fu-fu in!", headset sing-alongs, psycho love triangles, orchestra pit dives, "who the hell has mic 3!?!", tilted booths, fortuneless fortune cookies, cordless drill guns (Chino in West Side Story), student matinee sunrises, hard drives of illegal mp3s, or late nights brought to you by a small pipe propping the stage right door open. Of course, I'm no longer the high-schooler who could survive on a few hours of sleep and work/play all day. All this work is wearing me out. My old age is setting in...achey back and neck, droopy eyelids, memory loss...*sigh* I can't wait till this weekend. The next day and a half can't go by fast enough. I have been deprived of snuggling for too long, and I am in desparate need of kisses. I want to forget about all my stress for a little while and enjoy some Trav time. Until then, sleep will have to suffice as my only source of rejuvenation. *curls up in bed to dream of being someplace better...like in someone's arms* I am such a sap. :P

One of my teachers believes that our careers should be our lives. If we're not willing to do everything possible, we are not going to succeed as photographers. But you know what? Photography is not as important to me as having a family. That is what I live for; not my job. At the end of the day, I'm not going to want to come home to my camera; I'm going to want to come home to my family. I am not going to find happiness in my career; I am going to find it in those I love. My career is just a way to support that happiness. Now I'm not saying I don't care about what I do for a living. I want to be able to enjoy what I do. But I'm willing to overlook my dream of owning my own portrait studio/ranch in order to enjoy my real life. Owning your own business takes so much out of you. It makes it so difficult to separate your personal life from your professional life. I want to be able to give my family my full attention when I'm home and not carry any of my work over into my personal time. There are people out there who make their careers their lives. They submerge themselves so much in what they do for a living that they don't have time for anything else. If that makes them happy, that's fine...but I couldn't live that way. I would rather be miserable at work and happy at home, than happy at work with nothing to come home to. In high school, so many people could not understand why not everyone wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer, but I understood at least one reason why: freedom. When you have a job like that, it would be so hard to stop thinking about it. Every night you would be distracted trying to find a solution to some problem or another. Maybe it makes me a selfish or heartless person to not want to help society in that way, but I don't want that responsibility. When I clock out, I want to be free. Free to do whatever I want to do and think whatever I want to think. I don't like the way our society has become. People place so much value on making things "bigger and better" while overlooking the value of little things. Not everything should be judged by its commercial value. There are some things out there that money cannot replace. Things that cannot be bought or sold are the most valuable of all...but people are forgetting that. They get so caught up in everything that's "shiny and new" that they are no longer content with the things that really matter. And then when all the sparkle wears off, they can't figure out why they can't find happiness. It's because they're looking in the wrong places. Everyone has their own goals and priorities, and they are entitled to them. They are part of what makes us each unique. But for me, there is much more to life than work. If I have to give up some of my personal goals in order to succeed in my professional ones; I will choose my personal goals every time. If that means I will never make it as a photographer, so be it. I can live with that. So long as I have what really matters, I will be happy without the other stuff.

I am such a dork! Why? Because I went to class at 2. And why does that make me a dork? Because my class was at 12:30! *sigh* At least I'm not the type of person who gets easily embarassed. My teacher just teased me and laughed it off. I have to admit, it must have seemed really funny to be sitting in a class for 2 hours and suddenly have another student walk in who was oblivous to the fact that they were late...2 hours late. And on the first day of class. *shakes head* Well, I won't be making that mistake again. =P

It's about 9:30am and I'm at work at the front desk. Sheesh, only 30 minutes in and I'm already bored. Tired, too. I had trouble sleeping last night. Just kind of layed there and stared at the ceiling knowing I should be sleeping, but not able to. So when the alarm went off this morning at 7, I wasn't even coherent enough to know I hit the snooze button. And considering what time it was when I finally woke up enough to get up, I must have hit it twice. *sigh* It would be so nice to go back upstairs and snuggle up in bed with my soft blankets and comfy pillow. *sigh* It would be even better if someone was here to cuddle with, but I probably won't get to see him for a little while. Which is fine because he needs to see his friends, and I'll be busy this weekend shooting a portrait anyway. Time apart might do us some good...especially if it makes him miss me more. Wow. I've only managed to waste 15 minutes. This is going to be a long shift. After my 1 o'clock class, I am definitely gonna take a nap. Then maybe I'll exercise a bit and play some Guild Wars. *yawn*

www.nenethomas.com I think this may be one of the most beautiful images I have ever seen. It made me think of something I wrote a long time ago: Love is in moonbeams in summer nights and daydreams In the sunset and sunrise in rainbows and smiling eyes Love is in the deep blue sees in diamond stars and climbing trees Love is in sunshine rays on sandy beaches and rainy days Love is in a beachside walk in chocolate cake and baby talk Love is sand between your toes a soft caress and a single red rose I have been bubbly and happy all day. I think the fiasco of this weekend helped. It was rough to get through, but it made things better. I am no longer bottling things up, the pressure on my chest has lifted, and my mind feels free. *happy sigh* I think it may be time to sleep now. *holds on to her favorite happy thought and curls up in bed*

I'm going to start really working on self-improvement. Not changing myself, but augmenting the things about me that I like. I do have good qualities, and I want to focus more on those instead of the things I don't like about myself. This plan has potential: focus on the solution, not the problem. (Be shocked and amazed...I have a short entry for once!)

This is the last time I'm going to write about this in here. Even if it bothers me again in the future, I'm going to keep it inside so it doesn't cause any more problems. This is my last weekend before classes start. It's not really summer because I'm back at school, but it's as close as I'll ever get again. It has been an interesting, emotional time. I wanted it to be wonderful, but things kept getting in the way. Friday night, the love of my life came to visit. I was so excited because I was already missing him after only a day and a half. Nothing went right, though. I had an issue on my mind that I needed to work through. It was keeping me from returning Travis' playful affection. Every time he would touch me, my reaction would make me think of how Michele would react, and then I felt dirty. I couldn't keep going with that on my mind because I felt it would ruin what is normally wonderful. Travis got upset about it, and we stayed up until 3am talking, arguing, and crying. I needed to talk about what was bothering me. I needed help working through it. And by the end of the night, even though I still hated Michele and the way she acts around Travis, I agreed not to let it interfere with our relationship anymore. That doesn't mean that it won't still bother me; just that I am going to do whatever it takes to protect our happiness. Saturday it was Travis' turn to have too much on his mind. I think he was finally understanding what I had been going through all this time. He was feeling the insecurity; he was unable to get his mind to stop thinking; he was unable to let go and put things aside, pretending nothing was bothering him. By Saturday night I thought we had everything fixed. It all seemed under control again. But then there was the phone call from hell. When Travis got home, he called me to wish me goodnight since my internet was down. Everything started out just fine, but then somehow the conversation turned to our problem again. I really screwed up everything with my jealousy and fear. I invaded Travis' privacy to keep tabs on what was going on with him and Michele. I know it was wrong and I shouldn't have, and I feel like a monster for doing it; I just didn't have the self-control not to. I didn't want to keep it a secret, so I told Travis. Now he thinks that I didn't/don't trust him, and for obvious reasons he can no longer trust me. Trust is a very big thing for the two of us; we both value it very highly. And despite what he thinks, I do trust him; I'm just stupid. Wizard's First Rule: People are stupid. They will believe anything; either because they want it to be true or because they're afraid it might be. I was afraid. Afraid of what I didn't understand and what I didn't know about. I couldn't understand Travis and Michele's friendship because I've never had one like it. She is a much different person that I am. When I act the way she does around Travis, it means something; it's part of how I show my love. I don't flirt with someone if I don't mean anything by it. It always bothered me that the playful things I did because I loved him were things she also did with him and everyone else. It made my actions seem less valuable when for me they were a big deal. And because she is that way with everyone, I'm supposed to find it insignificant when she acts that way with Travis. I also didn't know about their friendship. Travis had never spoken of her before she showed back up the summer he worked at Dairy Queen. And after she moved to Jefferson City, I didn't realize that they kept in touch. I thought that she was just an acquaintance. I couldn't understand why she called him brother because I didn't know they were ever close. I was afraid that he would decide she was better than me; that she was more fun, that she understood him more, that they had more in common. I see now how wrong I was, but the realization has been costly. It took a lot of talking and crying and now Travis is the one upset instead of me. I feel lost. Things like this aren't supposed to happen with me. I work so hard to avoid confrontation and work things out without fighting. I guess it's a sign of how important this it to me that I couldn't just let it drop this time. I've never felt so horrible; like I am a total disappointment. I work so hard trying to do everything right, but I still screwed up. I handled everything so badly. I don't even feel like myself when I think about what I've done. What I need is to be a confident, secure person who knows that nothing is going to take her love away. I need to trust Travis even more than I do already. Trust that he will never do anything to hurt me, even if he doesn't know what hurts me or why. I've spent so long opening up and softening my heart, and now I'm going to have to harden it again so that things stop hurting it. I love Travis too much. I know that for him to be happy, he has to have other people who like him in ways I am uncomfortable with. So for me to be able to put up with it, I have to start caring a little less; stop saying anything and close myself off from those feelings. Sadly, I think all of this could have been avoided if he had just kept me closer when we hung out with his friends, made me feel like I belonged, showed more signs of affection around other people, and introduced me like he was proud to have me and couldn't wait to show me off...instead of getting so caught up in other people and the moment that he seemed to forget I was even there. But none of this matters anymore. I am putting it all behind me and moving on. I have to earn back the trust of my love and prove to him that he has my trust, too. I will not make this mistake again, and I will not let it ruin what I've had for almost 4 years. It is too important to me and I will not lose it.

I just got back from my first real expedition to Pine Street, including a stop off at Booker's house for a party and McDonald's for some late night drive-thru french fries. I had 2 Shmirnoffs and some apple shot that tasted like apple pie (Mmm...). I actually had quite a bit of fun and won 2 games of pool. I also got to ride in Rob's '68 Impala...which was sweet cause it reminded me of my grandpa's old black truck. So since I'm in kind of a slap-happy mood I thought I'd do something I don't normally participate in. A QUIZ! Hehehehehe! UnicornYou scored 20% Esotericism, 10% Power, and 10% Malevolence! The unicorn is a legendary animal. It is usually portrayed as a slender, white horse with a spiraling horn on its forehead, although its appearance and behavior differs, depending on the location. In the west it was usually considered wild and untamable, while in the Orient it was peaceful, meek and thought to be the bringer of good luck. There it is usually depicted as a goat-like creature, with cloven hooves and a beard. In Japan it is called Kirin, and in China Ki-lin. The word "unicorn" is based on the Hebrew word re'em ("horned animal"), in early versions of the Old Testament translated as "monokeros", meaning "one horn", which became "unicorn" in English. The creature is possibly based on the rhinoceros or the narwhal, a marine creature with one horn. My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 3% on Esotericism You scored higher than 4% on Power You scored higher than 9% on MalevolenceLink: The Mythological Profile Test written by LacedWithASmile on Ok Cupid

This entry may offend some, so be warned. It is my attempt at a journey that will hopefully reveal what is really bothering me and allow me to work towards fixing it. I don't claim to be right about anything; I'm just sharing how I feel about it. "Fight for your opinions, but do not believe that they contain the whole truth, or the only truth." -Charles A. Dana "Our envy of others devours us most of all." -Alexander Solzhenitsyn Well, I'm back at college. I'm torn over whether I like it or hate it. There are definitely parts that are a pain in the ass. But there are some great people here, too, so that kind of balances things out. I feel like a rollercoaster, though. One minute I'm all high and having fun, being social and enjoying myself. The next I'm feeling drained and antisocial. My brain has been acting really weird lately. It won't listen to reason; it lets emotions take over. I find myself dwelling on things and focusing on my frustration until the anger bubbles over. Until the last few months, I would have considered myself a calm person. Granted, I have always been rather anal about certain things, but I could usually go with the flow. Now anything that inconveniences me or my plans in the slightest is considered a threat, and I jump all over it like it's the end of the world. I'm lashing out at people who don't deserve it (well, most of them don't, anyway). Michele moved away. I thought that would fix things, but I still feel myself keeping my guard up about it. Even the occasional phone call or diary comment throws me back into a jealous rage. Not even Travis' ex-girlfriends bother me this much. I don't know why, but I don't want her to be part of my life. And although I can choose not to talk to her, as long as Travis does she will still be affecting me. I can't ask him not to talk to a friend, but I can't be happy about it either. I can't explain why I don't trust her. Whatever their friendship is based on is a mystery to me. It's like there's some secret I don't get to know about. Nothing I've heard thus far explains the way they act with each other. I've watched Travis let much closer friends slip away; why hang on to this one? Maybe I just need someone to hate; someone to direct my anger at. I need to release all this pent-up hostility. It's tearing me apart, destroying my heart, and turning me into someone I don't want to be. I want to be an accepting person; caring, trusting, loyal. But when you invade on the one thing in this world that I cling to when all else goes wrong, you've crossed a line and I feel like I must defend my territory. There's a part of someone that should be reserved solely for their soulmate, and for some reason I feel like I'm being asked to share that. And I can't. Hopefully next time I'll have something happy to write about in here instead of the same old rant. Anything I start thinking about worms its way right back to this one thing. I keep banging my head against a wall and getting nowhere. I'm sorry if anything I've said upsets anybody, but I needed to get my frustration out. I want to be a happy, carefree, fun person again. Why can't I get this pressure on my chest to go away? I don't know the solution, but I'm working on it.