This entry may offend some, so be warned. It is my attempt at a journey that will hopefully reveal what is really bothering me and allow me to work towards fixing it. I don't claim to be right about anything; I'm just sharing how I feel about it. "Fight for your opinions, but do not believe that they contain the whole truth, or the only truth." -Charles A. Dana "Our envy of others devours us most of all." -Alexander Solzhenitsyn Well, I'm back at college. I'm torn over whether I like it or hate it. There are definitely parts that are a pain in the ass. But there are some great people here, too, so that kind of balances things out. I feel like a rollercoaster, though. One minute I'm all high and having fun, being social and enjoying myself. The next I'm feeling drained and antisocial. My brain has been acting really weird lately. It won't listen to reason; it lets emotions take over. I find myself dwelling on things and focusing on my frustration until the anger bubbles over. Until the last few months, I would have considered myself a calm person. Granted, I have always been rather anal about certain things, but I could usually go with the flow. Now anything that inconveniences me or my plans in the slightest is considered a threat, and I jump all over it like it's the end of the world. I'm lashing out at people who don't deserve it (well, most of them don't, anyway). Michele moved away. I thought that would fix things, but I still feel myself keeping my guard up about it. Even the occasional phone call or diary comment throws me back into a jealous rage. Not even Travis' ex-girlfriends bother me this much. I don't know why, but I don't want her to be part of my life. And although I can choose not to talk to her, as long as Travis does she will still be affecting me. I can't ask him not to talk to a friend, but I can't be happy about it either. I can't explain why I don't trust her. Whatever their friendship is based on is a mystery to me. It's like there's some secret I don't get to know about. Nothing I've heard thus far explains the way they act with each other. I've watched Travis let much closer friends slip away; why hang on to this one? Maybe I just need someone to hate; someone to direct my anger at. I need to release all this pent-up hostility. It's tearing me apart, destroying my heart, and turning me into someone I don't want to be. I want to be an accepting person; caring, trusting, loyal. But when you invade on the one thing in this world that I cling to when all else goes wrong, you've crossed a line and I feel like I must defend my territory. There's a part of someone that should be reserved solely for their soulmate, and for some reason I feel like I'm being asked to share that. And I can't. Hopefully next time I'll have something happy to write about in here instead of the same old rant. Anything I start thinking about worms its way right back to this one thing. I keep banging my head against a wall and getting nowhere. I'm sorry if anything I've said upsets anybody, but I needed to get my frustration out. I want to be a happy, carefree, fun person again. Why can't I get this pressure on my chest to go away? I don't know the solution, but I'm working on it.