This is the last time I'm going to write about this in here. Even if it bothers me again in the future, I'm going to keep it inside so it doesn't cause any more problems. This is my last weekend before classes start. It's not really summer because I'm back at school, but it's as close as I'll ever get again. It has been an interesting, emotional time. I wanted it to be wonderful, but things kept getting in the way. Friday night, the love of my life came to visit. I was so excited because I was already missing him after only a day and a half. Nothing went right, though. I had an issue on my mind that I needed to work through. It was keeping me from returning Travis' playful affection. Every time he would touch me, my reaction would make me think of how Michele would react, and then I felt dirty. I couldn't keep going with that on my mind because I felt it would ruin what is normally wonderful. Travis got upset about it, and we stayed up until 3am talking, arguing, and crying. I needed to talk about what was bothering me. I needed help working through it. And by the end of the night, even though I still hated Michele and the way she acts around Travis, I agreed not to let it interfere with our relationship anymore. That doesn't mean that it won't still bother me; just that I am going to do whatever it takes to protect our happiness. Saturday it was Travis' turn to have too much on his mind. I think he was finally understanding what I had been going through all this time. He was feeling the insecurity; he was unable to get his mind to stop thinking; he was unable to let go and put things aside, pretending nothing was bothering him. By Saturday night I thought we had everything fixed. It all seemed under control again. But then there was the phone call from hell. When Travis got home, he called me to wish me goodnight since my internet was down. Everything started out just fine, but then somehow the conversation turned to our problem again. I really screwed up everything with my jealousy and fear. I invaded Travis' privacy to keep tabs on what was going on with him and Michele. I know it was wrong and I shouldn't have, and I feel like a monster for doing it; I just didn't have the self-control not to. I didn't want to keep it a secret, so I told Travis. Now he thinks that I didn't/don't trust him, and for obvious reasons he can no longer trust me. Trust is a very big thing for the two of us; we both value it very highly. And despite what he thinks, I do trust him; I'm just stupid. Wizard's First Rule: People are stupid. They will believe anything; either because they want it to be true or because they're afraid it might be. I was afraid. Afraid of what I didn't understand and what I didn't know about. I couldn't understand Travis and Michele's friendship because I've never had one like it. She is a much different person that I am. When I act the way she does around Travis, it means something; it's part of how I show my love. I don't flirt with someone if I don't mean anything by it. It always bothered me that the playful things I did because I loved him were things she also did with him and everyone else. It made my actions seem less valuable when for me they were a big deal. And because she is that way with everyone, I'm supposed to find it insignificant when she acts that way with Travis. I also didn't know about their friendship. Travis had never spoken of her before she showed back up the summer he worked at Dairy Queen. And after she moved to Jefferson City, I didn't realize that they kept in touch. I thought that she was just an acquaintance. I couldn't understand why she called him brother because I didn't know they were ever close. I was afraid that he would decide she was better than me; that she was more fun, that she understood him more, that they had more in common. I see now how wrong I was, but the realization has been costly. It took a lot of talking and crying and now Travis is the one upset instead of me. I feel lost. Things like this aren't supposed to happen with me. I work so hard to avoid confrontation and work things out without fighting. I guess it's a sign of how important this it to me that I couldn't just let it drop this time. I've never felt so horrible; like I am a total disappointment. I work so hard trying to do everything right, but I still screwed up. I handled everything so badly. I don't even feel like myself when I think about what I've done. What I need is to be a confident, secure person who knows that nothing is going to take her love away. I need to trust Travis even more than I do already. Trust that he will never do anything to hurt me, even if he doesn't know what hurts me or why. I've spent so long opening up and softening my heart, and now I'm going to have to harden it again so that things stop hurting it. I love Travis too much. I know that for him to be happy, he has to have other people who like him in ways I am uncomfortable with. So for me to be able to put up with it, I have to start caring a little less; stop saying anything and close myself off from those feelings. Sadly, I think all of this could have been avoided if he had just kept me closer when we hung out with his friends, made me feel like I belonged, showed more signs of affection around other people, and introduced me like he was proud to have me and couldn't wait to show me off...instead of getting so caught up in other people and the moment that he seemed to forget I was even there. But none of this matters anymore. I am putting it all behind me and moving on. I have to earn back the trust of my love and prove to him that he has my trust, too. I will not make this mistake again, and I will not let it ruin what I've had for almost 4 years. It is too important to me and I will not lose it.