Uhm. Who do people think the are these day? It's not the '30's anymore. It's time for a change. They're scared. Let people love who they want to love. Let them marry who they want to marry. Why should you decide? You don't want to see it? Don't look. It's not in the Bible? Give me a pen and I'll write it in there. You think it's gross? You're gross. You're just ignorant. Most people who are voting Yes on 8 are older, used to their costums. They're afraid of change but they need to just get used to it. Everything, everyone, is changing and it will continue to change until the world has ended. No one knows when that is so stop trying to act like everything is just going to stay the same. Change is good. Let things change. No on Prop 8. I support Gay Marriage. <3

Today. thank God.

"We're better off as friends" I said. "Now who are you trying to convince, me or you?" He replied. This left me dumbfounded. Because I wanted to honestly say that I knew it was for the better, but I really knew I was just trying to convince myself of that. He was right. It will all get better in time. That's what everyone keeps telling me. They just don't ever mention how much time it will take. And if it's worth riding out. I'm young, and I'm not in any hurry to grow up. Although, I sure act like it. Like I'm growing up too fast. I hear that a lot also. I never knew there was a book that says everything you should and shouldn't do at a certain age. Because there isn't one and no one should tell you that you can't do something because you aren't the right age. Is there a right age to do something? The government sure thinks so. But me, I don't. A lot of people might disagree with my point of view but I really don't care. I thought this was America. The Free Country. Where we are able to do what we please. The culture we grew up in has made up what is right and what is wrong. What if we all lived naked? When I ask people that or similar questions they all answer; "that would be weird" "that wouldn't be right" "that would be gross" But if we really did live naked, we would never form those opinions about it. We should be open minded about a lot of things that no one really is. Everyone these days is so bias about things and don't stop to look at it from someone else's view. They say time heals everything, but there just insn't enough time in my life to fix what's been broken. Everyone keeps telling me to be myself and create who I am, then they tell me what to wear and who to like.I'm just sick of it. I'm sure everyone else is too. But they've done nothing to stop it. They all wear their hollister and ambercrombie, their american eagle and aeropostle and they claim to be different, and unique when they're wearing they same thing that every other persone that they are standing next to is wearing. "Where all think alike, no one thinks very much" I've learned a lot from them though. Not to be them is the big idea. Yea they may seem 'popular' and well liked and pretty but really they aren't anything. All the smart kids and they imaginative people get no credit for what they accomplish. No one looks up to them or tries to learn from them. Instead they're trying to figure out what the new trend is and how they can be the best at rep.-ing it. Lif's unfair. But "as I grow to understand life less and less I learn to love it more and more"

I hate him. But at the same time, I want him to love me. I know everything he said, was a lie and I know he knows that I know I caught him. But then again I want him to lie to me and say that it is true. And that he wants me to take him back. I want to want to take him back. But honestly I really don't. I've seen the true him. To tell you the truth I saw it all along. I don't know why I insisted that he was such a good guy, when even I knew that he wasn't. All the lies I made up defending him and excused I made for him. Why was I so stupid for him? I've learned my leason. No, I haven't. That's what I said about the last guy that hurt me. I'm attracted to assholes. Not anymore. I mean it this time. Hopfully. I don't deserve being treated like shit. But then again, I'm not the best girlfriend either. I think I just want to wait for a while. If something happens it happens. If not, I can wait. I'm worth waiting for.

I've never; Been in Love. Had a Real Best Friend. Had a parent who actually cared. Had sex. Told someone I loved them and meant it. wanted to die as much as I do rightnow. Lied nearly as much as people think. Done any drugs as bad as marajuana and alcohol. (yea I didn't know alcohol was considered a drung until a couple days ago) Hated someone so much that I just want to punch them in the cunt.. until this morning. Used the word 'cunt' until just now. Had a bloody nose. Been to New York. Met someone and became friends with them over the computer. Been afraid of someone hating me for the decisions I make. Really cared what people think of me. Gotten so many F's in my life before this progress report. let anyone read my poetry. Jumped off a cliff into the water. Been so frustrated. Painted my nails black. Stuffed my bra. Sent a naked picture of myself to someone. Held hands with someone without them being all sweaty. Kissed someone and it just took my breath away. Okay that last one was a lie. Butt it was a really long kiss. Missed someone so much it hurt. Until Nick. I shouldn't even put those..huh? The ones that I right"until..." Well I don't care. I've never broken a bone. Broken someone elses bone. Gotten stiches. Spread a rumor. Talked behind a friend's back. Claimed to be something I'm not. Actually picked a religion. Been narrow-minded about something. Okay yea I have, but not big things. Been so desperate to get high/drunk that I lie and steal for it. Been in my school cafateria. Liked Jenna Russel. Started a book and not finished it. Burned a Bible. Read the whole Bible. Had a broken heart. and will never smoke dope. Been to a Rave. Worn a water bra. tried surfing before. wanted to get expelled until now. Been suspended. Dropped in on a half pipe. Been in the hospital. said something that I've never done to cover up the fact that I've actually done that just because it wasn't 'cool' or the 'right' thing to do. and will never finish this.

Today is Thursday. I didn't go to school today. I was sick :/ Really though. I thew up all last night.. not pretty. Right now I meh favorite place in the world. Mama HillyBeans. I love it here. Just got a Tanner Banner. My favorite drink. [:hehe. This weekend. I'm hoping its fun. I'm sure it wil be though. As always. Let's talk.

I don't know what I want anymore. Or maybe I'm just now Figuring it out. Right now I'm not the person that I want to be. I'm not who I used to be. I used to be the 'good kid' The one that everyone was compared to, "why can't you be like Alisha?" It's not that I want to be 'better' than everyone else. I just want to be good again. I want my old grades back. My old friends. My positibe outlook on life. I'm not proud of what I've become. I never, ever, thought that I would ever be like this. I never wanted to. Now I need help more than ever. But I can't ask for it. It's just too hard for me. I'm so used to doing things myself now. Being independent. Not relying on anyone. But I have to ask or I'm too afraid of what I'll end up as in life. I'm going to graduate and I'm going to succeed in life. I just have to rap my mind around that and go for what I want. Right? Anythings possible. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. and only that.

[: I want to go to China. I have a chance to. Next summer. It could happen. I've got a reading list for '08-'09. I'm excited to start. I got my test scores back from end of the year testing. I was more than shocked to see what I actually had gotten. They were remarkably good. considering my grades for this last year. I want to write a poem or short story for open mike night at Mama Hilly Beans on Wednesday. They have it every week so there isn't any rush. I'm tired of being bored. There is only 12 more days left of this amazing summer. I'm going to make them the best. I want my phone back damn it. I'm starting to think about what the heck I'm going to do with this so called 'future' I have. I don't even know where to start. I like art and music and literature I guess. Hmm. I was thinking a teacher maybe. :/ hum. I would really like to learn how to read music and play it for that matter. Guitar mostly and maybe drums. Perhaps the piano as well. Who knows. I'm young. I have time.

Today was, I guess, a really good day. I went out to breakfast with a bunch of family and me my cousins and my brother had a blast. Then we decided to go to the beach. We didn't care what beach we just wanted some waves. We got on the freeway and we saw Santa Monica. We went there swam and stuff and I left my phone there "/ but we called it and the lifegaurd found it so were trying to get it back. we went to Goodwill and got shorts to swim in because the first time we were in our regular clothes. well my brother threw me in anyways. It was fun. then on the way home.. so much traffic. It sucked. Then we had a blow out. scaryyyy! But some people pulled over and helped us out. we made it home. I'm tired. I have stupid boys named Nick. gosh.

Lately things just can't get any worse. Day by day I get stupider. I can't help butt keep asking questions.. that have no answers. It's driving me to insanity. What am I supposed to believe? That 'God' just came out of no where or he was just always here? I can't seem to grap the concept of FOREVER. No end. How is that possible? ah. It's all just so confusing. I hate this. My mother.. she doesn't care. about any one but herself. I can't even call her a 'mother' she's never been here. and she get's mad at me for saying I'll come home and then never show when she's said she'd come home for days but I haven't seen her in weeks. She says that my Grandparents "took us from her" where would we be right now if they hadn't. On the streets.? Drug attics? Dead. Gah she upsets me. she took my phone. more drama. Summer is soon ending. I'm not ready for school. Not ready to fail. "/ I've decided. I suck at this game called life.

Out of all the rumors This one tops it. Someone started a rumor that I hooked up with my sister's ex which, only by assumtion,she's still in love with. She hates me. I don't get why she would believe him after she knows that almost everything out of that boys mouth was a lie. He just wants to hurt her and she's going for it. Ah. This is so stupid.

Ah. This weekend was alright pretty fun I guess. For the most part. I was more than happy to be home in Tehachapi though. So excited. We were walking home from the bus stop and we saw cops talking at the elementary school and my friends were like oh we hate cops blah blah telling me the story of how the saw their Dad and Mom get taken away before and it was so freakin sad and just how they hate seeing peopl get arrested and then we get to their house and we're not there for more than 20 minutes and.. *knock knock* I answer the door. Two Sherriffs walk in. Their Mom was arrested and their step Dad. God it was horrible. Just sitting there watching them cry and I couldn't help but cry myself I mean they were like my parent too. It sucked so bad and then I had to leave beacause the pig said so. They said their Mom just needs to help with the charges against their Step Dad she would have gotten in wayy more trouble butt when they were outside we took her purse and stashed her pipe and some alcohol in my bag and then I left. I mean I'm not for like smoking and stuff butt we had to do something. It was complete madness. My heart just about broke. :[

Let's be friends.

I actually thought he was different. I'm glad, Jeni, you told me not to date that fool. Butt you said not to because he had the same name as my Dad butt still I'm glad I listened. He happens to be an undercover player. He's SO fake. He seems so nice and he's incredibley funny and just a really cool kidd but I guess not. GOD. He's going after my best friend. &&I'm okay with that. Hopefully she's smart enough to listen to me about him. She falls for guys easy and when she falls she falls hard. :/ whateverrrr. anyways Last night I hung out with Nicholas Napolis and it was funn. I'm not sure if I want to be close friends because whenever we have something he ends up hating me out of no where. ughh. I think I might have wrote about him in another entry. Ohh well we'll see what happens. butt this is his last chance to redeem himself to me. Theee LAST. hmm so fourth of July. I went to Pismo and mett some pretty cool Kats. I fell in love. watched killer works. a beautiful sun set. got sand in my places. froze my butt off. counted the stars. ate smores. made new friends. tried clam chowder[ew] got lost at night walking. went to the lake. broke down on the lake. got a tan. saw an incredible sunrise. and just had a blast. I didn't really fall in love but I'd like to think so. haha. His name is Preston and he lives in Vegas. :/so gay. We left on akward terms I think. Ohh well its' not like I'll ever see him again so.. whatever. Butt it was fun. summer summer summer. love. <3

wow. My cruise. 4 days. 3 nights. it started off well. hung out. ate a lot. met some people. went swimming. got a killer tan. and just had fun. the last night we wanted to have fun. I had a beer and so did Mel. we went back to our room because we had no adults and we just wanted to watch a movie. we brought along two friends we met. matt and steven. we got in the room and I left to go get some hot chocolate I come back in and I'm tired so I watch the movie and fall asleep alone and I'm a light sleeper. I hear knockin on the door and its melanies mom and her aunt so I open the door and she goes crazy cuz melanies half naked with a boy and whatever everyone else was fully clothed just talkign and hanging out and stuff no one knew what she was doing mels mom called us all sluts and basically blamed it all on me. whatever. I didn't do anything and she got all mad at me but I don't care but me and mel can't hang out anymore which I don't really want to hang out with her anyways but I hang out with her brother too which sucks because I probably can't hang with him either but he can make his own decisions about that. but the first night me and her brother stayed up all night to watch the sun rise and she started to accuse me of doing "stuff" with him which is complete bull because were friends and with a whole bunch of other people! ah she makes me so mad and she basically ruined all of our whole trip because all she did was yell at us and be a total bitch about everything when she's the one married and kissed some other guy and she can't blame it on the alcohol because she didn't even start drinking until after dinner and AHHHH she's so ah. whatever but the cruise over all was just beautiful and stuff ya know we made a lot of new friends and plan to keep in touch.. dinner was usually fun we had these crazy guys next to us and they were really funny we even met a guy from that dance show the guy from the jabowalkees or whatever it was fun he taught me some sweet moves lol. we met a guy from holland with an accent it was cool. everyone that worked on the ship was from a different country or even continent it was really cool. the chef even gave me his hat. it was quite an expierince.

:/ so much drama. it's summer. why doesn't everyone just SHUT UP! Jesus Christ. this girl sent a naked pic or herself to this boy of course everyone will see it. come on now be smarter than that. && especially knowing how flippin small tehachapi is people are gonna find out and see.. stupid. I'm just going to have fun this summer. It's actually already been amazing. not one day has been boring. I haven't really slept since school. ha. I love it. the dance was wonderful. six flags was even better. and the last day of school.. freakin bombbbbb:D hehe. it's pretty happenin. boys. so gayy. I don't even want to talk about them. butt I have a funny story. at was at a friends house and she was laying down like out of it. really our of it and these two guys were laying next to her and one guys hand was like on her stomache and the other guys hand was sorta on her breast and she kept moving around to get their hands off her and they both moved thir hands and their hand met and they like started holding hand both thinking that it was her. GREAT. it was the funniest thing I have ever seen. :] it was a kinda a you should have been there thing. C:foshow. hum didly dum. I'll write more whenever something happens thats worth telling about. unless there is too much stuff then maybe later. [:dododeeee.

I'm so over drama at this point. Serisouly. People just need to get over themselves and not try and start stuff with people that are just little mored liked then them. Ther are so many rumors about me going on right now and I really don't care if people belive them or not. I know either way they will be like "Oh I know you didn't do that stuff I believe you" But them five seconds later someone will ask "Do you think she really did that" The other person will be like "She says she didn't but I think she did" Sound familiar? Yea thats pretty much how it goes. today we were practicing for the promotion ceremony and I yelled go Kaela and I got kicked out. I know I'm still allowed to walk butt I might not be able to go to the dance so lame. butt whatever. Not much really happened today. This girl Emerald cheated on her boyfriend Cody over the weekend. he was really sad. I felt bad for him but he didn't break up with her even though he tells me he's pretty sure that she'll do it again. Especially since summer is almost here. I cracked the screen on my cellular device it stinks. its not the bad though butt everytime I drop it it gets worse. and I tend to drop it a lot. :/ psh. I could live with out a cell. So it doens't really matter. Right now I'm really just over the boys at my school. I don't think that they could get any more immature. ugh. I miss my elementary school friends. I mean a lot of them are the same people butt they are extremly different. It's not fair. I miss recess and chasing boys and when they had coodies. It was better then when the only desicion you had to make was what color blue to use sky blue or regular blue. I miss not being judged and not having rumors. I love how you could just meet someone and the next minute you were best friends. I like telling secrets and knowing that they'll be kept a secret. I loved not having the pressure to do thing like there is now. I miss when everyone "suger coated" all the bad news instead of just blurting it out now. sighhh. those were the good days. now its all about sex drugs and alcohol. :// man o man.

The song I'm listening to reminds me of my Dad. I always used to sing it butt I never really knew why or how I even knew it. Then they played it at my Dads funeral and it just clicked. ]:] This weekedn was a really funn weekend. Friday I went to Evan's house with Aluara and Me him Aluara and Tyler and Robert and Joey just hung out and swam me and Aluara stayed the night and it was a little weird butt really funn. we didn't even sleep though so it wasn't really staying the night. saturday I went to Lancaster with Kassidy and Kendyl and we went to the mall and swam at her mom's boyfriends house and tanned. I'm a little dark now. I have the funniest tan lines like the bow from my swim suit on my back! :D we stayed the night there and watched Sydney White SweeNy Todd A Cinderella Story The Number 23 They were all really good my favorite out of them were Sydney WhiteC: hehe. we turned on the cachuzzi that night and left it on all night and today we woke up and went to feel it and it was hott and so was the whole pool!! oopsiee. it was amazing though we just swam all day today and layed out then watched Finding Neverland butt I fell asleep. I just got home like half an hour ago or something like that. it was really funn. tomorrow I have to get a dress for the dance thats on wednesday. [:heh. Hmm so lately things at school are really weird. a lot of drama and stuff which isn't at all fun butt things will work out. I really want to meet new people. I love getting to know someone that's the only reason I can't wait until I go to THS next year..! that's about it..

The song I'm listening to reminds me of my Dad. I always used to sing it butt I never really knew why or how I even knew it. Then they played it at my Dads funeral and it just clicked. ]:] This weekedn was a really funn weekend. Friday I went to Evan's house with Aluara and Me him Aluara and Tyler and Robert and Joey just hung out and swam me and Aluara stayed the night and it was a little weird butt really funn. we didn't even sleep though so it wasn't really staying the night. saturday I went to Lancaster with Kassidy and Kendyl and we went to the mall and swam at her mom's boyfriends house and tanned. I'm a little dark now. I have the funniest tan lines like the bow from my swim suit on my back! :D we stayed the night there and watched Sydney White SweeNy Todd A Cinderella Story The Number 23 They were all really good my favorite out of them were Sydney WhiteC: hehe. we turned on the cachuzzi that night and left it on all night and today we woke up and went to feel it and it was hott and so was the whole pool!! oopsiee. it was amazing though we just swam all day today and layed out then watched Finding Neverland butt I fell asleep. I just got home like half an hour ago or something like that. it was really funn. tomorrow I have to get a dress for the dance thats on wednesday. [:heh. Hmm so lately things at school are really weird. a lot of drama and stuff which isn't at all fun butt things will work out. I really want to meet new people. I love getting to know someone that's the only reason I can't wait until I go to THS next year..! that's about it..

Whoah baby. this weekend. positivesly amazing. I suppose. Friday. [:we went out to eat with a bunch of friends. we went to premo burger and I didn't know what to order so I aske lexie hot wings or nachos? and she was like HUGE it was so funny. she says she thoght that I said how big are the nachos. it was so great. now its like an injoke. I love it. thennnn we all went to see that new movie What happens in Vegas. butt one of our friends got the time wrong and we missed the last show. we were a tad unhappy. butt we ended up seeing Iron Man which was a pretty good movie. well only me and Lexie really watched everyone else was too busy making out. which brings me to the high light of my weekend. sort of. There's this girl named Jenna I hate her. the only person I hate. She's going out with this boy Blake. he's like a brother to me. she wasn't invited butt he went to the movies. he made out with my friend megan while he was still with Jenna. yea he was going to break up with her butt he didn't before he did that. He told Megan he broke up with her and she doesn't like Jenna so i know she really didn't care if he was telling the truth or not. Regardless of how much I hate Jenna I told both of them that It wasn't a good idea. Did they liste? NO. She found out. the same night. yikesss dramaaa.! my bestie Bailey she hates Jenna more than anyone or anything she yelled at her for the longest time and bitched out her mom too. ha. Jenna hates megan. Jenna and Blake are going back out. wtf right? STUPID. me cayle and lexie and bailey were at my house that night. it was pretty funn after that had ended there's more to it butt to boring I guess. well for me because I've had to explain it wayy too many times. :/ Saturday. pretty boring. had practice it was a blast. then had to help with this biker thing at my church boring. the food was good. and the bands. after that we went to Cayle and Lexie's house.they're sisters. it was boring for a while then we went to a friend of mines party it was okay. everyone was drunk and high. hilarious. if you're into that. my mom picked us up at like midnight and we went back to cayle and lexies and talked about everything then ate a lot of food and then went to sleep. Sundayy. I don't even remember. Oh yeaaa we rode the bus to bakersfield and went to the bowling alley butt we didn't bowl. my mom or cayle and lexies mom doesn't know that we went still. shh[: we stayed the night at their sister audras house. then we went to the movies and saw What happens in Vegas. Finally. :D it was super good. sorta. we got back to audras at midnight and were so tired. butt stayed up and talked. [: then went to bed. butt really talked some more. this boy clint likes me Iguess I don't know. and he always texts me and thats just what we talk about. Monday.. craziness. we were supposed to go home back on the bus today. no buses were running so baileys gramma took us home. butt before that omg like ohhkayy bailey she has a huge mouth and an even bigger additude. this little boy next door stole audras son's skateboard they are like 10 years old so my other friend Chey went over there and just asked if they took it and the little boy [william] told his sister that she cussed at thim and all this stupid stuff and she came over to audras and audra wasn't there it was just me bailey lexie cayle and chey and audras kids right and the sister comes over and starts yelling at chey and blah blah and bailey gets into and and just cusses them out and all this stuff and so they are yelling and its scary this chick is huge well not really but her titts were bigger than my head just one of them anyways.. so bailey is runnin her mouth and shes like in the door wayy and the chick is on the lawn and bailey is like do somehting blah blah blah ya know? and the chick is like come out side blah blah blah right. and bailey is like beep beep beepen beep and the chick goes inside sorta and grabs bailey by the hair and pulls her outside and they start fighting and they are wrestling on the lawn and I go to pull them apart and the crazy chicks sister grabs me and is like don't touch them and I had to push the tweaker off me to get to bailey and they just fought and it was completely insane. the chick won butt bailey got in some good hits broke all her nails ha. but they fake nails tore off her real nails. ouch. so then the chicks mom comes over and was ll like if I was your age I'd beat the living crap out of you blah blah except she used much more coloful language and so she kept saying stuff and was like i'll beat the adults asses that live here blah blah so we called up and audra and her and jennifer came over and ha. yea that one we won. audra is so bad ass. I love it. we rode home and we just laughed about it. it was great. okay so I'm reading this book I know I'm always reading a book. I like to read. it's called absolutely normal chaos. I've been raeding these books lately about teen love and romance and I'm like wtf it never really happens and I just wish it would happen to me ya know? and sometime soon. I'm dieing over here. blehhhh. I just want to meet new people I'm tired of the same old boys here and how they're just so immature. I mean yea we're yound really young. butt do you honestly have to make stupid jokes about white stuff and hard wood all the time? I mean like once in a while its funny butt when you say it like three times a day it gets a little old. :/ its like 12 now and I'm not really tired even though I got practically no sleep this whole weekend. my head hurts a lot. blac fool<33 hehe. yea this whole weekend was jam-packed with a lot of drama butt heyy it was unlike any other I have ever hadd.amazing. <3333. yeaaa.