tara+michelle=coffee from the bucks and cheap clothes. my moms birthday today. got her a guide to ireland and a plant-your-own 4 leaf clover thingy. my sister has turned into one of those people who is in love with a different boy every week. i think hoe would be the word. im shaky and sick to my stomach. i think my salad was spiked. tara got 7 dollar pants.and i,a 15 dollar sweater. my last entry is hard to follow. the end.

rys in idaho. i cry every night but i realize now. im a stronger person because of him. and i appriciate him for that. jaime and allen went down the hill,and i hope are getting it on. ryan comes home in thirty days.i miss everything about him. everything.... jaimes sleeping over. we were watching the big lebowski. taras gone.i miss her eventhough i didnt get too many chances to see her all summer. katy dorky and i are going labor day weekend. 8 minutes theyve been gone! but theyre back and didnt even kiss. im gonna have to work harder.

tired. lots of tears this week. too many. watching headline news,sometimes i feel like the world is falling down around us. ryan showed me some shit about the new 'draft'.it makes me so uneasy.i know some people CHOOSE to 'defend our country' but to force someone into action,youre no better than the enemy. there are some days when i just assume lay in bed and cry all day.but knowing that ive come so much further than to let 'emotions' get the best of me gets me up.and the thought of ryan keeps me going. im thinking about seeing a therepist again.nothin major.NO MEDS or anything,definately no meds.i want to start moving on,and slowly get off them,and i cant take those steps without a doctor and of course making sure ryan is willing to help me.i need to move on.old feelings and apprehensions are holding me back.ive grown,ryan and i are moving forward with our lives together.i want to be free of everything that hurts.memories,feelings everything. i want to grow even closer to him,grow with him.i dont want to hurt him.because i know i have been the past few weeks.and he doesnt deserve that.hes so far above me.so normal.i want to be like that.no more excuses.no nothing. nothing but me and him.'him and i...' we could move anywhere in the planet,as long as hes there,it would be perfect. im growing and changing everyday.just watch me. i swear.

work. new shoes from mom. drinking beer.and eating swedish fish. sleeping or tired frequently.is there an a in that? saw the neighbors,their getting so big,the baby just made her first communion.i used to change her diapers. now i know how the rest of them feel."youre how old?" jaimes coming over.were doing something so cool,it has yet to be determined. when the fuck is tara coming home.

this is a decaying society. works stressing me out.inventory and new fixtures. im getting a beer.

seek the truth and it will set you free. id kill for an unbiased news mag or network. i just keep overhearing about people dying. my cousin is going to iraq.the fams not down and im not either,but in retrospect,she enlisted herself.noone made her. im about 5 inches from quitting my job.

"two tears in a bucket, mother fuck it." best movie ever. and dont try to drive up hills and around corners in ap with a donut.lest its one your eating.

why doesnt anybody like me? i dont understand. just ordered ry 2 strung out cds for valentines day. my fucking feet stink something fierce. wondering how frankies doing and how new years was in ny city. work blows goats.

theres this fucked upp thing going on with my left eye. on and off for about 2 months,it waters excessivly,and feels like its scratched. im hungry a lot lately.and ive just decide im on a diet of sorts.my body doesnt know the difference between boredom hungry and nutrient necessant hungry.my sister are going to start doing pilates.the commercials totally sold me. i havent spoken to tara since she got home.the last time we met,i felt distant.like out of the loop. ive been tired lately.and work is at peak stress.this second,im feeling like i must go to college,soon soon soon. i have to get out of here and make something of myself.i have so many ideas,that i just supress because i dont have the energy to think them through or do something about them. i want to be the photographer to come to.i want to be rich and famous.i want to be able to take care of ryan.i want him to have evrything he could ever dream of having. i dont know if he knows this or even wants this,but i want to care for him and support hiim the way he supports me. i want to get the fuck away from barnes and noble.i want to be above the people who look down on me and treat me like shit. i want to see tara. ->depression is a chemical flaw,not a character flaw.

so im drinking this red juice and its good. and the "envelope" is in the garbage. its burning a hole in my head. i dont give a fuck if its junk mail. when the fuck is jess gonna call.

something has kept me here too long and you cant leave me if im already gone. allen comes home like monday or something. rys new days are tuesday through saturday. and his berettas back on the road.he looks so good driving it.its been so long since ive seen him in it. maybe ill get a new car soon. work sucks.really.i mean serious suckage. christmas. so its halloween and im being michelle.going to work dressed in my regular "street" clothes. festive. getting some shai hulud merch.for both he and i. fin.

somewhere else. eating a milky way. work party last night. hella lame. got drunk.sang karioke. woke up. cleaned bathroom and put my numerous amounts of clothes away. too tired to work. wish i could call in and just be here when ry comes home. shower.

work is terrible. im behind. i cant bring myself to do anything while there. execpt wish i wasnt. been very depressed. im thinking about increasing effexor back to 300mg/day. i was doing so good. i think its really just work though,because when im home with ry,im fine,tired,but not depressed. these next few days are gonna be hard,im working 3-close and he works form 8-5ish. for a few weeks ive wanted to get ryan something.like a present.just something to give him because he gives me so much. he too such good care of me when i got my teeth out,and he cleans up after me,and is just a great person.i feel like i cant convey how i feel about him well enough. need a shower and to clean up my clothes.

i only chose this mood because its the car i drive. this david blain is on the tv and the boys went down to the jiffy. im not one to carry on like a child.if i see it and it makes me cringe or smile it goes in here simply because it was convenient. id rather you didnt read because there are some things you shouldnt know about me. like everything. i oft wonder if greasy people know they smell. do the outsiders know theyre not liked? do you know how much you are laughed at?the things people say when they talk about you? does that girl know she has lipstick on her teeth? do the people you idolize and long for and wish you were,know you exist?would they care if they did? truthfully,i dont really mind if i never get my car painted,if i cant get anymore clothes even for winter. but i can healthfully say that i dont see a girl in a store anymore and wish i was her. and stare at her.and try to pick every bit of her being apart. im no longer unhealthy. like you are. sick. being not even a shadow of your former self. not even the smallest shard of thought is the same.and it never will be. im reading kay redfield-jamison. book one was good.gave me a decient amount of insight.and while her manias and depressions were much more servere,i can say ive witnessed some sort of manic-depressive disorder. in-patient and out. book two is focused (merely) on suicide.if suicide can ever be considered as mere. as with the first there is a lot of personal goings-on intertwined with her medical findings-out. the personal stuff wore me out causing me to skip some paragraphs as well as the last few chapters of the book.almost as if she was expierencing manias and depressions as she wrote the memoir. abrupt ending.

and it's easy to forget your face and it's easy to survive in this place without you, without you i just comb my hair and wash my face. keep straight ahead and keep my pace don't think about nothing i might never be alright. well i got my friends i got my pen. i got a million distractions to keep me warm and i know is that i'll be alright. i'll be alright. /s-o love:the newer,slightly more connected me. thats all i have to say. and i love strung out. the end.

im drinkging beers. 3. im hating things. everything(s). i dont know what to say. about any of this.

on my right foot. it hurt but not as bad as the first and much less than the last. tara has one too. random acts of girlness.its all i can afford/stomach. uh.i also got two new nipple rings.their straight barbells with stars on them.or something. i dont have money to buy pot. i have to buy a new compact because i dropped the last on the driveway at my moms. *note:i need.* anyway. go in to train as a floor lead tomorrow. i got gifts and magazines. pretty lame,but ill take what i can get. a whole extra dollar and 40 solid hours.no on call shit. have to tell frank about my new s/n.but i think i already did. only cool kids can have it though,im afraid.(tara and frank.) ::my edit: :þ and Ryan is cool because he made the s/n

"you make me wanna vomit.. hard so we met and had an all american teenager night even though im 3 mos from 20 yrs old you wouldnt fuck without a condom which was good becos im not ready for a baby i decided and you make me want to vomit in your car on you on your friend and his annoying girlfriend on her cell phone. soifyoudont mind id rather kiss your naieve arrogant ignorant teenage world goodbye. *waves" ...so.this is what shes come down to. all this time of living this life.two years. dick after dick. pregnancy scare after pregnancy scare. she makes me sick.

blank can be used to accurately describe my feelings. ill-wishing customers roll off my back. very unlike me. im disinterested. slightly disheartened. feeling thinner than normal. not in the physical sense, but in the sense of intellect. who am i kidding? the past year and a half. slowly but surely the knowledge i knew as mine (however useless), is diminished. maybe slaving at b&n will deter my brain from purging itself of the precious idiocies i regarded as knowledge. havent been watching history,a&e,tlc,discovery health,cnn. not reading time or b&w at all lately. nothing but working,futurerama and family guy. ive read only adbusters cover to cover. and a new magazine ive stumbled across:colors. there are no words or similies to describe its contents,so i wont waste my cells. i want to be in college right now. i shouldve signed up for fall. i want to take math and actually learn it. i want to be smart. retain knowledge. be able to take things away from the expirence. most of all,i want to fucking take pictures. i want to learn how to use my camera. i think thats all im interested in. school wise. fin.

in the words of tara. rolling rock. the 100 local no namer chicks in maxim allen and ryan. futurerama. same old same old. nap today.no work. reading tom robbins. however,have become bored at the story. found some killer Onion best od mags to send frank along with his shirt i stole like 6 months ago. no work tomorrow. getting gas. a book for my mom. and a tattoo. and of course a phish food brownie sundae from b&js because it wouldnt be Lark St with out one.