The first quarter of 2011 has not been kind to me. Suffering from depression, a loss, and Cory's psycho girlfriend. I am so tired of this.

you do it to yourself, you do and that's what really hurts is that you do it to yourself just you and no one else you do it to yourself you do it to yoursellllfffff

I don't consider myself an angry person, yet here I am. I don't want to go to bed angry.. or I can't go to bed angry. Either way, here I am. awake. because Cory-effing-Solon infuriates me. What's he doing? Nothing. He's probably sleeping. Everyone else is sleeping! But the moment my mind let's him creep into my thoughts, I get pissed off. WTF is this?! Why do I let him piss me off? Why? Because he's the only person other than myself that has the ability to make me feel worthless. I need a better hiding spot for memories of him. It's nearly impossible to embrace that shit when he still treats me like shit. Shit. Laugh. Alright, I made myself feel better. I guess I only needed to rant. I wonder how he processes his emotions towards me. He sure as hell can't tell his girlfriend/friends, or she might make another fake facebook. So fucked up. I didn't want to reminisce about past sexcapades with him... and he's the one asking me what the fuck is wrong. Ugh. I fucked him up. And he certainly hasn't forgiven me. Fine. Fine! I have forgiven myself. That's what's important. He'll grow up. eventually. Until then, expect more rants.

but really, i feel relatively stable today. I accredit this to my weekend in Geneva. Sleep is so wonderful. So is my family. But not marketing exams! blah blah boringgg... I need to get laid. My vagina is giving me the silent treatment. Le sigh.

My aunt's dying. I am so selfish. And numb.

I contemplate killing myself every other day. Every. Other. Day. It's friggin' exhausting fighting my thoughts. That's why I'm confessing. I'm supposed to tell someone, but I'm too much of a coward to tell anyone but my psychiatrist... and I can't even get myself to call him up to confess like I should, so I'll just wait until he asks at my next appointment.. and even then I will say it like it's no big deal. Because that's what I do. Every day. This medication tries to help by making me avoid real feelings, but I don't want to be here. I'm afraid if I don't tell anyone, then I will do it and my sister & mom would be sad. I don't want to make them sad. How do you live for other people though? It's so difficult. Complete selflessness? HOW?! I keep putting up with myself every day for other people. That's just so fucked up. But here I am. Confessing. Drugs or no drugs, I hate being here. Putting up with my fucking emotions or lack thereof, I have to put up with myself. ughhhhh It's out now.. this is as far as I can confess though. I'm too ashamed to spread the word, to ask for help. Help? That's enough for today.

"Who is brand YOU? What makes YOU special?" I want to cry because I cannot complete this assignment. Fortunately, zoloft & heineken complement each other well. No tears will accompany these fears! It's difficult to express my aspirations when I am still working on the day-to-day. How the hell am I supposed to answer, "what achievements in your life are you most proud of?" --Staying alive? Wtf! I hate this assignment. Aw hell, I'm buzzed enough for confession time. i am moving through each day for everyone but myself. i am Tra la la ha ha ha so completely fucked. I toy with the idea every so often, but I just love my sister too much to leave her. Now I'm crying. If I can fight these tears, then I can fight for my life. Right? Riiightt. Well, I'll keep working on this. Another beer & some funfetti cake will surely help.

i'm a trolling little yogi :-) troll stretch & breathe the thoughts away

I'm still confused... a tad scared, as well.

I'm a little nervous.. and a lot confused. Why would someone do something so mean-spirited? I think I'm a good person. Why does someone have it out for me? I'm 22 & the butt of pathetic middle school shit (pun intended). I even cried! It's hard for me to cry on this medicine. I like it that way: no tears, no fears. Potential sippers of the haterade & respective motives: boss at old internship (he's just weird & weirds me out) cory's gf (if she read the lengthy, mildly inappropriate conversation things cory had texted me & is pissed) nick's gf (my sister said bitch is crazay) a friend of cory, but not of mine (they used material from a picture we were both tagged in & only could use pictures i had as my profile pic at the time I don't have enough information nor do I know these people well enough to form any conclusions. I hate not having the answers. I also don't like this scared feeling. Or rumors. Probably shouldn't have toked. bah enough negativity. yesterday was rough, but now it's a new day & a new week. January is almost over, meaning one less month of winter and one more month closer to summer/Switzerland! trop de soleil & francais avec ma soeur! magnifique! i need to go to bed. edit: More evidence. Impostor sent messages via Facebook Mobile, sent most of the messages around 5:30pm, and one at 10 am. I was tagged as Cory in the picture on January 4th at 10:49pm I commented "zomg" at 11:34am on January 5th. This must have triggered whomever to make the fb because at 6pm on January 5th, the impostor sent the first message.. utilizing "zomg." This person does not like me. hm

hmmph... better luck next time

!$%^!*&^#@*&? fuck

It's high school. all over again. Pretending everything is easy cheesy when I am completely falling apart. Constant buzzing to drown out the thoughts. Any negative emotion met with a "'buzz,' next?" Buzzing Dizzy ZZ No zz because it's too loud. I can't sleep with all the zz's! I'm lost. Any sense of direction is dizzied with another buzz. Where am I headed now? Life in the past, present, future... I barely function in the present with the aide of my buzz buffers. I am so tired. Why can't I sleep forever? I just want to silence my mind. Forget. Sleep. I lose control of my mind in silence like this. When will I ever have control?

I don't know what to do with myself. So I sit online... I don't know what to feel with this medicine. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz That is what I feel. The buzzing noise that tinny, overhead light fixtures emit. Wonderful. Isn't that just pathetic? I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with my family. I didn't overstuff myself with food, so I was never too full. I got a nice drinking buzz. And I laughed all day with my extended family. Yet all I can feel is this inner buzzing. Humming? No, more buzz-like. And I can't turn it off... so I cannot sleep. Wonderful. I just wanted to change the subject & talk about something positive... but is that how I'm going to live the rest of my life? Doped up & avoiding the negative? That's annoying. I've been getting annoyed with myself quite often. I just wanna put it out there that if I were getting laid, I probably wouldn't be so hard on myself. The medicine just is so limiting. But it's keeping me up. Up up up high above destructive thoughts.. Can medicine defy gravity for that long? Hmmm?!? How long until I have to increase it to push against the pull of gravity. Aka reality. Aka I hate it. Whoops.

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself. -Mark Twain These Good Earth tea bags I purchased have quotes on the individual bags. I agree with this one, but it confuses me at the same time. I am comfortable with myself, but still find myself extremely lonely at times.. no matter how many people I am surrounded by. So I don't know how I feel about this--other than being glad it's not the worst loneliness I am experiencing?? Hm.

i don't get it. so many different pills, but none of them work. they trick me. in the beginning, it seems they're working, but then they stop. what's wrong with me? i think i find something good--only to find myself allowing it to slip away. i want the good to outweigh the bad. is that asking too much? i must be asking too much.

SO I don't know what I want. Surprise. But I kinda do. But I'm scared. So very scared. I want to know how everything will pan out right now. I don't like not having clear, concise answers and visions of whatever that will be. I'm having fits of clarity. But I want clarity. Complete clarity. On/with everything. Please & thank you.

why can't I forget everything?????? afterhours_ And you and I will follow down the street And when the rivers end into the sea While I remember what you mean to me And you and I, a spiral spinning round And standing in a circle on the ground I'll follow you until you wear me out And in your summer sky and in the air Have you forgotten how you got us here While I remember how much I care And in a dream I'm trying to forget I feel the blood that rushes to my head I need your love and all the things you've said And in the leaves And in my mind You're always there And in the leaves And in my mind You're always there

sad.

i don't even know how to explain myself. i just need some sort of outlet. this is difficult. ahhhdgjlfgjdgijerogj