so i've decided.. bitch has got some big ass shoes to fill! not only because my shoes were/are thigh-high, 5 inch, ass-kicking, sex-kitten boots, but because i fucking rocked cory's world (completely disregarding the whole andrew thing). :(. (sidenote: she's probably not a bitch; however, I definitely am) blah blah blah so much for making myself feel better about.. myself. i am having a fucking horrible 2009. i lost my two favorite men in too short of a time span, and i'm really losing my cool being stuck in geneva surrounded by endless memories of them both. blah blah i checked out 8! fucking self-help type books. PATHETIC. one is actually called "Happier". riddikulus, i know. the others have the words "panic" "anxiety" "OCD" "depression" and "sleep" in bold, colorful font across each cover. subtle much? fortunately, i didn't run into anyone i knew while in the library. UNFORTUNATELY, i ran into my co-worker on my way home. of fucking course. blah blah blah blah i still suck i need a more permanent distraction. and by "more permanent" i mean seriously fucking permanent because as hard as i try to distract myself and keep busy, the harder i am hit when it fails. even when i was closer to happiness when i was with cory, i was still a complete fucking nut. always expecting the worst. not sleeping. sad. mad. sad. bad. so love is just another one of my fucking temporary distractions?! wtf. i don't get it. i just don't. BLAH how do people do it? SERIOUSLY. how? i am completely confounded by it all. my fucking family. get this. my fucking mom and uncle and aunt just lost their father, NOW apparently in TWO MOTHERFUCKING YEARS we are to lose our aunt. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. i can't even wrap my head around any of this.... because they still function like normal human beings and can deal with this and are good at dealing with this shit. HOW? HOW? HOW? BLAHDIDDY WEAK BLAH i am just so utterly pathetic in comparison. i was crippled after me and cory broke up. over winter break i seriously only left my bed to go to work. LAME. then, LAMER, i fucking sank even deeper into the pathetic hole that is me trying to handle being his ex-gf and then hearing my grandpa and aunt are dying. fuck. so fucking retarded. i tried so hard to just be content with the time i had with cory. be content that i actually experienced love in all it's intensity. be content that i had such a wonderful grandfather and that so many people's lives were bettered because of him. NO NO NO BLAH NO BECAUSE I CAN'T why can't i just enjoy and be happy with the present? is it truly my father's fault that i constantly am preparing myself for the worst? why can't i just be. exist, and enjoy existing with everyone else? what is the motherfucking point?