people always say that change is the only constant thing in life. i believe that. & not much else.

people are so goddamn fake. im not saying im perfect, but at least i admit it it's all wrong but it's all right the way that you treat me baby once i was strong but i lost the fight you'll never find a better loser all i needed was the truth. .. turn & run

your house beneath the hill and up until someone caught us in the kitchen a vision too removed to mention but please, remember me

i've got the strength for believing. life is so contagious in times like these. you might say it's the season and lift me up if i ask you please. i got a heart for intentions, i can change your life if you let me grow.

so much you have given love, that i would give you back again and again. oh the love, many now hold you but please, please, just let me.. always. of all the shooting stars i knew i never felt at ease with anyone but you. don't ever wonder where i go. remember that the grass still grows beneath the snow. when everything around turns blue just fall asleep and wake when it's all through. x people make mistakes. sometimes because they have to- they know they need to grow and change their life and twist into something completely unlike themselves. you need to get lost to find yourself. you do sometimes, you really do.

what is it that makes us believe we are superior to other people. just because some of us are prettier, dress better, have more money.. well it's all so materialistic. but i guess i already knew that. i wish i was above that. i really do- but i'm so far from it. secretly i hate being seen with people who aren't on that same "level" as me. and obviously that makes me a pretty rotten person but .. ehh. c'est la vie. this is just pointless rambling.

and keeping quiet is hard cause you can’t keep a secret if it was never was a secret to start . at least pretend you didn’t want to get caught. is it better to be burdened by a secret, or to let it go and deal with the consequences?

staying home alone on a friday im flat on the floor looking back on old love.. or lack there of after all the crushes are faded and all my wishful thinking was wrong im jaded.. i hate it and broken words were all i heard. some never meant and some meant well. the difference between us is so hard to tell. i was so shaken but now all i see.. is everything he meant to me. la la la happy new year =)

after all the memories have faded the glasses have been tipped and the pages have been torn out, who's left standing.

well well. i haven't written for awhile. i think it's easier for me to have time to not think about things before going back to them and fully comprehending what just happened. but i swear today, i`m gonna go off in a delicate way and i`ll have so much fun I swear. no matter what goes wrong, i`ll be moving on. i used to think that i couldn't be happy unless i had a guy in my life. that my life couldnt be complete without a "him" to share it with. but now i only realize how wrong that is, how foolish. ive come to realize that i have to make myself happy before i can expect anyone else to come along and do it. people come in and out of your life- making you laugh, making you smile, making you fall in love, but through-out all that, you really have to count on yourself to make, or even allow yourself, to be happy. and maybe i'm not as stable a person as i thought i was. but i'm learning more and more each day. i am finally moving on. and it's scary- but it's new, and it's exciting. and i can't wait to no longer look back. him: "i guess ill just have to move on" me: "dont say that. you never liked me that much" him: "thats where you wrong" me: "ok well you never loved me then." him: "i had very very strong feelings for you" me: "and your girlfriend. right." ... him: "i miss you is that so bad?" me: "yes." ... him: "im offended that youd think im like that" me: " im offended you think im so naive." ... me: " there are plenty girls out there i just think you should find one of them cause there are girls youre gonna like a hell of a lot more than me him: "havent come across one yet." ... he says he wants something in the "future" when im in a better place. i said i didnt think my future would include a better place for us. i dont think my future should allow any more time for him. i felt awful. because he said so many things that were nice to me, but i know they were just words. just the clever words he had used before to win me over, these clever words that in reality- dont mean anything. i almost cracked so many times, just like i used to. he'd say something that would temporarily make everything okay, and i'd give up everything and go back to him. [temporarily]- i cant have that any more. i need something more than "temporary." then again- i was a bitch. i was mean to him and i dont think i handled it right. people i shared the entire conversation with said i wasnt mean- but i dont know, i guess i was just mean for me. im a nice person- sometimes too nice, and too trusting, but that's a different issue. if he was serious, if he did miss me- i was completely unconsiderate towards his feelings. if it had been me in his position, i would have been hurt, and i would not have wanted to talk to me again. but i guess thats what i needed to get across- i NEED him not to want me anymore. i need him to let me go, so i can let go. a long december and theres reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.. oh the days go by so fast.. this is just a big mess of ramblings. till next time.

last night was hell. i have to vent. i need to get it out. and more than anything, i need to move forward, instead of backwards. . one . i know you're with someone else now. not going out- just having sex, and that's probably all you'll ever have between you because you are the biggest player. . two . you lied straight out to my face that you're with anyone. i didn't ask anything but straight-forward questions. "are you with anyone?" "no." NO would constitute that you are not sleeping with anyone. and are you? .. YES. did you talk to my best friend and tell her that you were sleeping with someone new, and then tell me the opposite only hours later.. YES. . three . when i say, "what about ---" you say .. "you're still the one in my heart." then i lost it. my throat went dry and my eyes filled up with water and then the tears just flowed out as i tried to breathe through all the confusion going through my head. and then i felt sick. completely nauseated. i had to swallow the bile coming up my throat. it was disgusting- just like he is. but that is the first time i ever felt so sick from his words that it had a physical effect on me. and of course, i wasn't bitter at all talking to him. i was twelve years old again. eating up every single one of his words, hoping they would bring me back to life; and in reality his words are just dragging me down farther and farther. . four . i ask how you can even say that to me, given how much we fought. you continue to tell me that we only fought during the springtime, and it wasn't that bad. and most of the reasons for our fights were because "[i] was getting screwed over." i questioned what that meant and he tells me that he screwed me over.. and with that does there come an apology? of fucking course not. . five . you tell me that you wanted to break up with your girlfriend for me, but it just got "too messy" (yes, this was the most vile and cheap relationship a high schooler could have). . six . i reveal to you that it took me forever to get over you, and i dont think i could handle having to do it again. you say that you're the one that "fucked up." and that is supposed to make me feel better how?? i was so confused by everything i told him i had to go to sleep & he says "alright, but let me know if we can still hang out." he wants to hang out before he flies home for winter break (college kids suck.) . seven . he just wants ass. he lies and cheats to get what he wants sexually and i cant be a part of that anymore. it's not that i don't want to, but i can't. it would break me into pieces and another year of my life would be wasted trying to pick them back up again. so, i am making myself a promise. i will no longer allow myself to engage in the unhealthy relationship that for so long dominated my life. that is it, it's all i can do to keep my life from falling apart again. i can hardly cut ties from him but i need to. NEED. it bewilders me as to why i hang on and on. i know that most people can't get over a love because they are so scared that such a miracle can't happen to them again. but this relationship was no miracle at all. it was hell and it hurt and it twisted my vision of the world into an irreversible mess. i am getting over it. i swear. it's just a horrible process because everytime i am incredibly close to being over him, and even a the few times i swear that i am, he comes back into my life and breaks down all the walls i have painstakinly built up again. and you know what- he needs to let me go too. as my friend told me "it's pathetic a twenty something year old is still in love with sixteen year old." pathetic- that my dear, is what you are. and i won't forget you at least i'll try and run, and run tonight everything will be alright.. take your suitcase. i don't mind.

she believes that life isnt made up of all that it used to be. you know.. some parts of me think that i would take you back, anytime, no matter what, no matter when. but i'm working on that. because you're the biggest asshole i've ever met. and i hate myself for allowing you to run and ruin my life for so long. i can't cut the ties just yet. but i'm getting there. yesterday was my birthday and i spent a good hour of it crying my eyes out in my bathroom. i cant go on like this, and you know what- i wont. i owe it to myself. no one else. i dont complain about this to my friends or my family- i dont owe it to them. i owe it to myself and any good that is to come my way. because sometimes when tears cloud up your eyes you can't see the things that could potentially make you happy.

is it worth it if the laughs cancel out all the tears.. is it healthy to keep dipping back into the past.. ?

you got alot of loving, but you can't let go. things from the past have been bothering me lately. i was in the car getting lost in the crazy towns of massachusetts last night talking about relationships and sex for .. hours, actually. and ---- came up, as usual. (i'm not using names anymore.) someone said to me "he messed you up didnt he. i just feel like he really screwed things up for you.. like there's so much more than the things you tell us." and you know what, that is completely correct. he did screw me up. everything about our relationship was vile and cheap. but the good times cancelled every negative thought out of my head. i just kept telling myself things would get better and work out the right way. and i guess they did work out the right way, the right way for him. i'm still pretty young and already i'm .. jaded. there's no other word for it. i'm bitter about so many things and aspects of life. i'm cynical, even. i hate it. i grew up so much faster because of him. but in some ways i am happy for that. i see things slightly clearer now, and i have alot more experience in several areas of life because of him. but it still makes me so angry how his presence affected so much of the way i am today. maybe when i let go of him, once and for all.. i'll let go of all the negetive things that our "relationship" drove me to believe. the road to you is long, and ive been on it for awhile. it's time to get off that road.

i often find myself turning to this whenever i am confused or feeling sorry for myself. but this is better than an actual journal.. only because i hate my handwriting, hahh. lately i can not understand myself. i act certain ways around certain people, and i know this is a typical tendency among people but it continues to stump me. i guess certain people bring out different aspects of your personality.. and some even diminish certain qualities? anyway that is not what is bothering me. i dont know what is but it's just that feeling that i am living my life with something undetected, that is just growing and growing and someday i'll figure out what it is, but once "someday" comes.. well that could be too late. wow i need to improve my writing skills. wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking as we moved together in the dark... so one last touch and then you'll go and we'll pretend that it meant something so much more, but it was vile and it was cheap... yea, you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me...

"i think youre better than peanutbutter for my broken hearts" that made me so happy. now i just miss my friends more than ever.. i miss ct + everything that went with it. school. home. friends. damn it.

i dont really like writing in this anymore. every time i do i feel like im just complaining about how sorry i am feeling for myself. we'll see.. maybe this journal just has too many memories behind it. maybe i just need to start over and leave all of this behind. too many "maybe's."

i got in a huge fight with my dad today when he found out i didnt go out with anna and my mom. he brought me inside and started screaming at me telling me i was an asshole and there was something seriously "wrong" with me and he wanted nothing better to do than punch me. then i screamed back at him and told him i hated him and to get the hell away from me. typical parental-child fight.. right? ugh whatever. then he like yelled at me some more and i let some things that had been on my mind slip a little. i actually felt a little better afterwards. although when im done talking to him he makes me feel like my problems with him are all my fault. he completely manipulates me.. every time. i dont understand it at all. then everything was alright for a bit.. i had alot of fun with anna before we went to bed.. shes leaving at 5 am tomorrow so i figured id just stay up a bit more.. but i cant help but feel this longing lonely .. pain, almost. im still so miserable inside.. and now that shes leaving i feel like something else has been taken away from me.. things are always good for me.. but only for a little while. then everything goes away, or takes a turn for the worst. and i hate it.. i want something more in my life. because im sick of crying myself to sleep every night wishing this pain would just go away.. the "relief" i get is only temporary. i put on such an act sometimes-- i dont even know myself or how im feeling most of the time. and once i discover it.. it scares me.. and i hate it.. and im tired of it.. and i know (from my parents point of view at least) i complain alot.. but im so sick of never being truely happy..

promises of a better life but whats wrong with the one im leading everyone has a different fight a different wound that keeps them bleeding so whats wrong with a little fun everybody needs to find their something... everybody needs to find their own way through life. -smile empty soul i dont know whats wrong with me anymore. my moms freaking out, i heard her on the phone with her friend talking about me. i just dont really care about things. my mom and my cousin went out for the day.. i asked to stay home. i just feel like being alone lately.. everyone is pissing me off here. so, i will head out alone and hope for the best we can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried and if one of us makes it big we can spill our regrets and talk about how the love never dies but you and i know the reason why i'm gone, and you're still there.

i cant breathe with these words in my mouth but im not going to say them.. yeah, ive made that mistake before. and you would think i'd feel better for it. but the sadness just sleeps and it stays in my spine.. for the rest of my life. and i've learned. and youd think id be something more now. but it just goes to show, it is not what you know.. its what you were thinking at the time. it just hurts so much sometimes. of course youre going to love some people and never let go of the past. the memories are what kill you. when you actually have something to hold on to.. something thats keeping you tied back to the past. can you ever fully move on from some things or some peple? or do you just learn to live without them..