last night was hell. i have to vent. i need to get it out. and more than anything, i need to move forward, instead of backwards. . one . i know you're with someone else now. not going out- just having sex, and that's probably all you'll ever have between you because you are the biggest player. . two . you lied straight out to my face that you're with anyone. i didn't ask anything but straight-forward questions. "are you with anyone?" "no." NO would constitute that you are not sleeping with anyone. and are you? .. YES. did you talk to my best friend and tell her that you were sleeping with someone new, and then tell me the opposite only hours later.. YES. . three . when i say, "what about ---" you say .. "you're still the one in my heart." then i lost it. my throat went dry and my eyes filled up with water and then the tears just flowed out as i tried to breathe through all the confusion going through my head. and then i felt sick. completely nauseated. i had to swallow the bile coming up my throat. it was disgusting- just like he is. but that is the first time i ever felt so sick from his words that it had a physical effect on me. and of course, i wasn't bitter at all talking to him. i was twelve years old again. eating up every single one of his words, hoping they would bring me back to life; and in reality his words are just dragging me down farther and farther. . four . i ask how you can even say that to me, given how much we fought. you continue to tell me that we only fought during the springtime, and it wasn't that bad. and most of the reasons for our fights were because "[i] was getting screwed over." i questioned what that meant and he tells me that he screwed me over.. and with that does there come an apology? of fucking course not. . five . you tell me that you wanted to break up with your girlfriend for me, but it just got "too messy" (yes, this was the most vile and cheap relationship a high schooler could have). . six . i reveal to you that it took me forever to get over you, and i dont think i could handle having to do it again. you say that you're the one that "fucked up." and that is supposed to make me feel better how?? i was so confused by everything i told him i had to go to sleep & he says "alright, but let me know if we can still hang out." he wants to hang out before he flies home for winter break (college kids suck.) . seven . he just wants ass. he lies and cheats to get what he wants sexually and i cant be a part of that anymore. it's not that i don't want to, but i can't. it would break me into pieces and another year of my life would be wasted trying to pick them back up again. so, i am making myself a promise. i will no longer allow myself to engage in the unhealthy relationship that for so long dominated my life. that is it, it's all i can do to keep my life from falling apart again. i can hardly cut ties from him but i need to. NEED. it bewilders me as to why i hang on and on. i know that most people can't get over a love because they are so scared that such a miracle can't happen to them again. but this relationship was no miracle at all. it was hell and it hurt and it twisted my vision of the world into an irreversible mess. i am getting over it. i swear. it's just a horrible process because everytime i am incredibly close to being over him, and even a the few times i swear that i am, he comes back into my life and breaks down all the walls i have painstakinly built up again. and you know what- he needs to let me go too. as my friend told me "it's pathetic a twenty something year old is still in love with sixteen year old." pathetic- that my dear, is what you are. and i won't forget you at least i'll try and run, and run tonight everything will be alright.. take your suitcase. i don't mind.