I can't believe "blah" was in the moods, i thought i invented that shit. Of course i did, god i'm so self-centered! Ok whatever enough self-loathing, Lina. It's quite unnattractive. So. What's the point of this entry again? Who FUCKING knows OR cares?! Not i! i'm just tired and bored and my life is a horrible awful disgusting mess! That's ok, though, i'll probably be dead eventually. Probably. But seriously, i don't think that i'm going to live that long. I had like, not a vision, but just a flash of something, on my seventeenth birthday. Shit that was almost six months ago. NO! Almost 18!!! Why?! i'm aging... so sad.... neways about my flash there, i decided that i only had another 17 years to live, and that was it, tha i shall die at 34. Should i be upset by it? no, why would i? i WANT to die early. Anything to not be old. Yeah, shallow, whatever, don't care! I'm like, assuming what everyone who reads this is thinking. Imagine someone i knew found this fecking diary! That would be the end of me. whatever no it wouldn't. I'd just hide in my room for the next, like year. But it's so revelative of my true feelings. Noone who knowsd ne woud guess i'd be writing this. i'm normally pretty cheerful & stuff like that. Not that i, you know, try to hide my depression behind a smile or anything like that. it's just that the sadness hits me when i'm alone. What's my problem though? Godd, the main thing is my stupid future! i have no idea what he hell i'm doing with my life! it's scary and depressing and horrible and, all i do is wallow around the house like a depressed... person, and then at night people start calling me to go out and i don't say no because i think that maybe it will cheer me up. But it doesn't, really. I just sit around and get lost in my thoughts. Do you ever have these, like, imaginary conversations with people in your head? well anyways, i have those ALOT. maybe you do it when ur, like, bored or tired or whatever, but i have them in social situations when people are talking to me, and just ALL THE TIME. And the thing is, sometimes i can't even remember what conversations are real, so when i'm talking to the person, i'm like "so, blah blah blah about this and that" and they're like "what?" because i also imagine that they told me things about themselves, you know, that are just totally random and... random. You know what's a good song? "overnight celebrity" by Twista. It' amazing. I love it so much. It's my number one played song on my iTunes. If you never heard it go download it NOW... At least summer is coming... Finally! warmness. Not that it's really warm. It's been like, 10 degrees these days. We had a couple of days where it was like, 23, and that was great, but we're back down. Whatever. At least i know that those crazy hot days where you can't move cause you're stuck to your chair are on there way. Ahhhhh.... yes. This summer i'm just gonna bum it the whole time. Sitting by the pool, maybe go to the beach, chill outside with my.... errr..... friends.... all one of them. Ya but no i have friends but.... they're like, not really real friends you know what i mean? Everyone talks behind everybody's back, and says they don't really like one person and things like that, but then when the person's around it's like, bestfriendsforever... Fuck am i making sense? i don't even know what i'm saying. All i know is i'm tired of this FAKENESS. I'm constantly worried about what people are saying about me and what they're thinking, and like, i can't actually DO anything, cause i'm scared someone's gonna judge me. I'm living in fear of everything and everyone. Someone tell me how to fix my life! Please? Oh argh! where will i be in 10 years? here? doing this? please no. Maybe i'll be happy and married with kids, and i'll look back and i'll say "aww, how cute, i was so depressed, but it was all worth it because it made me what i am today, and i'm so happy" and then i'll die seven years later.