Wow. I think i've reached that moment. I'm nineteen now and i think i'm finally at that moment where you know you're not a teenager anymore, you know? Like i just grew out of it. And i don't even think i saw it happen... it felt like, one day i was still all afraid and insecure and self-conscious and confused and all those Horrible teenage feelings... and the next morning i woke up and it was pretty much gone. i don't know... it feels amazing because i finally feel like i'm turning into a real person... i can't even explain it it's like i just, understand the world better, and i feel free... Not afraid anymore... Not trapped anymore in my lonely shelter of sadness that i locked myself in for a long time. You know what helped me? i guess it's really bad to say. i tried E for the first time a few weeks ago, and i'd been putting it off for such a long time because of all those bad things i heard about it, but finally i was at this friend's house who's a dealer and he gave it to me for free so i thought "why not"? and i tried it and it was just wonderful... It was like i could see the universe in a way that i had never seen it before and i realized how beautiful it was... Of course it's all fake and you realize it when you come down... But i remembered that feeling and realized that it Can be like that. I was just so... i don't know like i normally have this tendency to just wallow in my own sadness and keep all my emotions so locked up and have it all brewing inside of me and i sit alone and cry and i'm just so sad... and it was like i liked it somehow... Like i was feeding off of sadness to give me energy or something. Like i was collecting sadness around me wherever i went and it was fuel for my torture. And i did torture myself with it. I repeated it over and over in my head just to be able to feel all that pain. The pain was a kind of rush for me i guess. I guess it made me feel more alive or something. i didn't realize what i was doing though... which is why when i finally understood what i was doing to myself i had to stop. It's kindof hard though, because the sadness is kinda like your security blanket, like when things go wrong or someone says something mean to you or a guy doesn't call you... you collect all the pain and then let it out when you're all alone. it doesn't feel... good, necessarily, but, just comforting... like a kind of "i feel, therefore i am" kind of thing. And you're pretty ... "proud", maybe? because you just feel so deeply and you're in so much pain. You're kindof amazed with yourself because you have this ability to Feel So Much Horrible pain and emotion... Which does give you the energy to keep going on in the world. You have this 'one up' on people because they don't understand what it's like to have so much sadness living inside yourself and to have SO MANY feelings. The only thing is that it has to be all kept secret. ... Anyways that part of my life i think is over and i think i'm ready to move on, and forgive myself, and forgive my parents... and be a strong person. Because i Finally Believe that i can be a strong person. And that is such a fuckn wonderful feeling. Like i'm not suggesting that people should try e or whatever but like it really just helped me alot... Ive only done it 2 times since then, and i might do it again or whatever, and i know, i know, it puts holes in your brain and makes you infertile or something, but just that feeling that you get... i don't know it opened my eyes to the way that a person Can feel, and ... i guess it was just very therapeutic for me. Maybe not for everyone but if someone were in the same kind of situation i was in... i sortof wish i had tried it earlier... Or maybe not. Maybe it was the perfect right timing for me as well... Anyways i just wanna say that i've gotten through the horribleness and now i just see such a bright future