I haven't written in a long time. So much has happened, too much to get into. I got a job as a camp nurse for the summer, it went well until the last two weeks, then it was shit. Needless to say, I won't get invited back, I don't care anyways, I wouldn't go back since they are so disorganized and it's a stupid camp anyways. Latley I have been thinking alot about suicide again, I wish I had the balls just to do it, get it over with. I don't think I've ever wanted to die so much in my life. I've wanted this since I was little, I just wish I had of died in one of the car accidents, I shouldn't have been wearing my seatbelt. I feel so guilty being alive, so many more people deserve to be alive more than me, so why am I still here, what cruel punishment is this? Things with Luke are neutral, I'm so stupid. I know he cheated on me with her, she's so ugly too but she knows too much and she describes him to the T. He denys it, obviously, I don't know what to do, he lies to me about everything. It's almost 3 and he said he'd be here at 1.30 at the latest, where is he? Do I even want to know? I don't know why I spend so much energy on this, it won't matter soon enough. This time this plan will work and no one can stop me, no one will even know until it's too late. It's perfect. My dad called me to see if I was still alive since I told him I was going to do it, my mom called me too, wow, I don't know why they pretend to care, deep down I bet they are hoping I'll do it, wishing and praying. Well soon enough it will come true. I'm done with this, I'm not doing it, I'm not.. I can't. I wrote the letter today, that's all squared away, just comes down to actually getting the stuff and voila, I'm no longer in this hell hole. I hope God will forgive me if he even exists, I know it's a sin, but if he exists then he will know deep down in my heart how unhappy I am and have been since I can remember. I think that's why I have done some of the things I have done, I hate myself so much that I do things to make myself feel like other people care. I know they are just using me, but for that time, I feel wanted and accepted. I'm stupid I know and I regret all of it. It won't matter soon enough though, everything comes out in the wash, luckily I'll be doing it any day now.

hey, it's been a long time, alot has happened. i feel alot better with my family (excluding my brother) now. My boyfriend wrote me the most amazing note, I'm going to keep it forever, I love him so much, he's amazing. Here's a little of what he wrote "From the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew we could be something beautiful, something special and unique to the most degree" I love him soo much, he means so much to me, I don't know what I would do without him. I just wish we could stop the fighting, when we fight, holy shit it's bad, but when it's good, holy FUCK is it ever fucking incredible! Well that's all for now.

Okay, so it is finally over, the fight has been resolved. My mom admitted that she made mistakes and that really helped me to let all of the past things go. She apologized for what I have gone through and it made me cry. I love her so much even though we have gone through so much. My sister and me are speaking again, its great, i missed her alot. my feelings for my brother haven't changed, prolly never will honestly! but thats all for now..

I'm so mad that I'm actually really calm and collected on the outside but inside I feel like I could explode at any second. How dare she say those things about me. What the fuck ever, she is going to get hers soon enough, trust me on that one. I don't love him because he is selfish, spoiled, self centered, self absorbed, conceided (sp?), ignorant, a liar,and a hypocrite, amongst other things. He's 25 years old and still mooches off his parents (who he knows don't have enough money for all their bills) yet he works two jobs to pay for what? Probably his blow or beer. Wow, what a winner! Now honestly, tell me, who would actually love someone like that?! Not I! Sorry, maybe if he changed, I could love him again, but not now, not how he is now. Never. On the brighter side of things, my new job is awesome. I love the people there, the environment is so much better, everyone works together and not against each other like at the grocery store. Everyone is happy to be there not like at Loblaws. The management is amazing (I guess I'm biased because I am a night manager!) I had a really wierd dream last night, I dreamt that I was pushing a stroller in the park with Luke and then it started to rain and the path that we took to get there was gone so we were stuck there. I don't know what it means, but I hope someday I do have a baby with Luke, we'd be such great loving caring supportive parents, not like mine or his. Actually that's not totally true, my dad would be such a great parent if my mom wasn't the way she is and the money situation wasn't the way it is for him. I feel bad for him and I wish that they would treat him better, don't they understand they are nothing and have nothing without him!? He pays their bills, buys their food, brings home the money for them to spend on ridiculous shit. I can't wait for the day he finally stands up to them and they see that they're fucked without him, then they'll start treating him better.

"Love is not like anything, especially a fucking knife" I really don't know how I'm feeling actually, I feel a deep sadness that I lost my sister, but relieved that I finally told the truth about how I feel, it was killing me to pretend anymore, how can I love someone like that? How can she expect me to? Would you love someone that rubs how much money they have in your face every chance you get, meanwhile knowing what you go home to, how little money you have, jesus at one point I couldn't even afford to buy myself toliet paper, how am I supposed to love someone who spends god knows how much on his slut to buy her a fucking snowboard for christmas!??!? like WHAT THE FUCK!!!! How am I the bad guy?! I'll play her badguy, just so she can live out her teenage melodramatic life, that's fine, I have Luke, when I don't have Luke anymore, I'll have the gun. That's all the comfort I really need, everything I have dreamed about since I was 12, all coming together in one beautiful piece of metal, and I finally will have what I have always wanted. God, I'm fucked. Oh well. We all die right?!

No one knows what it's like To be the bad man To be the sad man Behind blue eyes And no one knows What it's like to be hated To be fated to telling only lies [Chorus:] But my dreams they aren't as empty As my conscience seems to be I have hours, only lonely My love is vengeance That's never free No one knows what its like To feel these feelings Like i do, and i blame you! No one bites back as hard On their anger None of my pain and woe Can show through [Chorus] Discover l.i.m.p. say it [x4] No one knows what its like To be mistreated, to be defeated Behind blue eyes No one knows how to say That they're sorry and don't worry I'm not telling lies [Chorus] No one knows what its like To be the bad man, to be the sad man Behind blue eyes. This song is pretty much how I feel right now, no one knows what its like to be me, or have gone through what I have. No one knows what I feel or think. I can't take it anymore, I wish I had the guts to end this whole stupid thing, I know in my last entry I had said I was going to, but something stopped me for whatever reason and now I have huge, not so deep gouges on my arm, great, and I start waitressing tomorrow, how am I gonna explain this. Great. Atleast I will be able to pretend, I've done it all my life, why not now!?

I don't know what to do anymore, this is fucking awesome. I have no family. I have my boyfriend that I don't know if I can trust and my dad which can't really talk to me or do anything with me since my mother and sister will berate him for it. Oh and guess what, Luke is gone again, I fall asleep because I'm sick and he's out the door. I'm so alone there's no point in continuing this stupid pathetic excuse for a life. Theres nothing to lose or gain, like the song says. I would love to see Sam's face when she gets the news, knowing it's her fucking spolied ass's fault. Fuck it, I'm doing it, no more pain.

This is honestly the stupidest fight I have ever been in. My sister is fucking retarded, thinking she stood up to me, right, she doesn't even know what that means, she would have had to actually talk to me about it in order to stand up to me about it. Fucking retard. Whatever, I'm done with her, she's a fucking melodramatic attention seeking whiney spoiled baby!! That's all she is, she's so fucked up, complains so much about her cushy life, yet gets everything she fucking wants at the drop of a dime. She has never actually been through anything really hard in her life, seeing her family fight, so what? Everyone fights with their family, such is life. Try have someone beat the shit out of you while being pregnant with THIER kid, or being scared for your life sitting alone in your apartment while some old drunk guy trys to get in your door. That's only a fraction of the shit I have dealt with in my life, but no no, Sam is the victim here. Of course.

Wow, I give up, they are fucking hipocrites, I swear to god. Fuck everyone of them. They have no fucking idea what I have gone through, getting raped, losing the baby, getting robbed, two serious car accidents, like fuck what else do I have to go through. They hate my boyfriend and talk shit about him that isn't even true, yet I post something IN MY OWN DIARY and now they are all mad at me. I have never shown anyone in our family whats in your diary Sam, why the fuck did you do that to me?! FUCK EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. She treats you better than me eh Sam? What the fuck ever. Fuck you. She's a slut and I don't give a fuck if anyone else thinks different, don't tell me what to think and what not to think. Fuck it, I'm out.

Last night was the best concert I have ever been too. My Chemical Romance and Greenday were so fucking amazing I can't get over that show. I really did not want to go initially because my brother and his girlfriend were also going. There is HUGE history behind the negative feelings towards my brother and his girlfriend that i affectionatley (riiight) like to call the missing simpson sister or simply slut. Anyways the only time I didn't have a good time was waiting in line for merch, I knew I had no money to spend, I haven't even paid my rent yet so how am I supposed to buy a tee shirt for 35.00?? Anyways enough of the bad... the show was soo fucking good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GREENDAY AND MCR FUCKING ROCK!!!!!!!!!

I saw her today at work. It really bothered me, what she did to me, how could someone do that to their best friend!? After all those years of best-friendship, what could have I possibly done to deserve to be abadonned and treated the way I was by her and her mother. I don't get it, still to this day almost a year later. This will always be heavy on my heart. I hate her for leaving and sticking me with this shitty apartment and shitty roomate. I bet she gets off thinking about how she fucked me over, how powerful she was over me when she did this. Everyday I spend in this apartment is another victory for her. I want to explode with so many emotions when I see her, hatred, sadness, and violence. I wish I could tell her how she makes me feel, what she has done to me over this past year without being in my life. I'm not saying I want to be friends with her ever again, and I'm sure the feeling is mutual, its just that I can't believe we're not friends anymore. I always believed that we would be friends forever. I guess you can't count on anyone in this world. I hope she fucking dies a slow painful death, she fucking deserves it.

I think I'm just a stupid girl when it comes down to it. I took him back, let him stay, let him apologize and explain. He even brought me a peace offering, and his reason for not even calling was because he didn't want to get yelled at, and that he didn't have his bike pump to fix his flat tire so he had to wait until morning. I believe it, am I stupid to? Luke and I have been through so much together, I can't forget how amazing he was when my ex-roomate and ex-best friend put me through hell because she is a selfish coward!!! Or when I was in the car accident how he took care of me, I couldn't even get out of bed on my own and he was there. I just wish things could be normal for us, we would have an amazing relationship if we didn't have to worry about money. Thats the main stressor/trigger in our relationship, I hate money, its only important when YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!! I love Lukasz and I don't want to be without him, but things are going to have to change because I can't live like this. I'm going to camp in June and I don't know if I can trust him! Anyways, on a good note, I got my appeal for my S&O, I have to redo a paper in order to get the 2% I need to pass, it shouldn't be that bad though, I'm not worried. So that is something good that is happening I guess. Also yesterday was my last CT scan (yay!) and I have my last Trauma Follow-up on May 3rd, I'm so excited! That means this whole accident ordeal will finally be over! I will never forget what I have learned during these 3 months of pain and suffering. It will affect my future practice forever.

"Take my life. Take take take take take take it away." Those lyrics describe perfectly what I feel right now. Luke is gone, has been for over 12 hours, God only knows where he is. He hasn't even called me. He could be dead and I wouldn't even know it. God I'm so stupid, why did I let myself get so attached to someone with the history he has had. I have almost ruined my life for him. He doesn't even appreciate it. Takes it for granted. Treats me like I'm expendable, maybe I am. God it hurts, so badly, I don't think I have cried like this for years. He breaks my heart over me falling asleep for 3 hours, so he takes off? How fair is that? I wish I was dead, that would be the ultimate, finally when he comes home, finds me dead. That would force him to see what his life will be like without me to bail him out of every fucking situation he gets himself into. I can't believe him, I'm so fucking angry and devasted. I just wasted 10 months of my life living with him, spending all that money and time for what? To be left in the middle of the night?! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

Well, guess what,I'm sitting here alone, what a surprise. I fucking hate that Luke insists that I watch that stupid movie, knowing that I don't like scary movies, I get scared too easily, maybe I'm a pussy, for fucksake's maybe I am just too sensitive. Then what does he do? Leaves, goes for a bike ride leaving me here alone in this fucking dark apartment. It wasn't even that good of a movie, I don't know why it still bothers me. But the fact is that it does, and he doesn't even care, his friend is more important I guess. After everything I have done for him, I'm secondary. I had an exam today, I think it went okay, should have studied more. I better pass, god, how fucked up is this year already, loose 2 courses, a mental health rotation and have a fail on a fall course. I'm fucked, not enough money for anything, we have to move at the end of June, Luke doesn't even have a fucking job, how the hell are we supposed to afford this? I can't do it anymore by myself just on Loblaws pay and hours. Everytime he gets a job, I get my hopes up, maybe this one will last, hope and pray that it will last and then I can finally get on track. But there's always something, an excuse or something happens, just to put us back to square one. It is to the point where I can't do it on my own even if I wanted to. My life was alot better than I thought it was, yeah I lived in a shitty apartment downtown, alot of bad shit happened there, but atleast I could pay the rent. Theres so much I wish I could change, but never will be able to, I start to wonder if it is even worth trying anymore. What is the point in making the best effort I can make, when everytime something happens, it just fucks me over more. I brought this on though, acting the way I have in the past, kids don't know how well they have it at home (with the exception of kids that are abused). I wish I still lived at home, not having to pay for anything but I wanted to spend my money on. Like my brother, he has it made, 25 years old, lives at home, goes to school (got OSAP and I didn't!! how the FUCK is that FAIR?!?!) and works. He can buy his gf expensive fucking snowboards for Christmas and what did I get from my bf?! Nothing, ya know why?! Because we have to pay rent and bills. I'm not blaming my brother, don't get me wrong, but I don't think he even has a clue what I go through every single day, the pain inside that cripples me inside, it's eating me alive, I just want it to end. Well this entry really is just a whole jumble of ideas and feelings. I don't know what to do anymore. I have no safety net and I'm losing my balance here! Save me!

Well this is my first entry, it should say something about who I am, where I come from,etc. I doubt it will, I feel like shit today, watched a few movies with my boyfriend then he went to an interview. I have an exam in 2 days on pysch, which I'm probably am going to fail, missed a month because of a stupid car accident and never really caught up. I feel like Murphy's law rules my life, everything that can go wrong, will. Oh and it has, I won't get into too many details, but all my life I have been found lacking, never really good enough for anything but never bad enough to get any help for anything. Like an eternal limbo. I'm so sick of it, I just wish sometimes that I would have died in one of those two cars, I doubt anyone would even have cared.