I haven't written in a long time. So much has happened, too much to get into. I got a job as a camp nurse for the summer, it went well until the last two weeks, then it was shit. Needless to say, I won't get invited back, I don't care anyways, I wouldn't go back since they are so disorganized and it's a stupid camp anyways. Latley I have been thinking alot about suicide again, I wish I had the balls just to do it, get it over with. I don't think I've ever wanted to die so much in my life. I've wanted this since I was little, I just wish I had of died in one of the car accidents, I shouldn't have been wearing my seatbelt. I feel so guilty being alive, so many more people deserve to be alive more than me, so why am I still here, what cruel punishment is this? Things with Luke are neutral, I'm so stupid. I know he cheated on me with her, she's so ugly too but she knows too much and she describes him to the T. He denys it, obviously, I don't know what to do, he lies to me about everything. It's almost 3 and he said he'd be here at 1.30 at the latest, where is he? Do I even want to know? I don't know why I spend so much energy on this, it won't matter soon enough. This time this plan will work and no one can stop me, no one will even know until it's too late. It's perfect. My dad called me to see if I was still alive since I told him I was going to do it, my mom called me too, wow, I don't know why they pretend to care, deep down I bet they are hoping I'll do it, wishing and praying. Well soon enough it will come true. I'm done with this, I'm not doing it, I'm not.. I can't. I wrote the letter today, that's all squared away, just comes down to actually getting the stuff and voila, I'm no longer in this hell hole. I hope God will forgive me if he even exists, I know it's a sin, but if he exists then he will know deep down in my heart how unhappy I am and have been since I can remember. I think that's why I have done some of the things I have done, I hate myself so much that I do things to make myself feel like other people care. I know they are just using me, but for that time, I feel wanted and accepted. I'm stupid I know and I regret all of it. It won't matter soon enough though, everything comes out in the wash, luckily I'll be doing it any day now.