last night i couldnt sleep so i took a movie my mom wouldnt let me watch and sat up watching. it was AMASING! - "dot the i" i put my mattress on the floor because, ehh why not. it was cool waking up on the floor. ehh so i'm so happy that i saw fed again. and he actually kissed me. DO YOU KNOW what that means to me!?! i wanted to fucking cry. so anyway, i brought my camera and peter caught me dancing to metric with chum and 6th graders. so i'm in science now and i might be leaving too early to say goodbye to fed today, so i'll see if i can catch him on the way to our next class. i hope hope hope he liked what i got him. it was the same thing he got me, but different CD and shrit, but le duh. AFTER SCHOOL so fed erm... hugged..... me goodbye, but what can i say, you know? ah, well if i want to fix what i did i have to get punched in the side a few hundred times for it to work. hurrah. well, meinies out of the picture. and considering what he did to me who the fuck cares. ah, but it looks like fed will never be fed again... at school hes fine, but our IMs are fucking prince and peasant. i dont want to do anything to get him upset, you know? but watching everything i do, apologizing for every other word that might seem the least bit sarcastic or cold- is so hard. but god, if he loves me again it will be worth every time my throat burns with acid. and recently, thats been often, unfortunately. mabie its the stress like last year, or mabie its these pills. but either way, people are going to see me lose weight again and wonder. i mean, i dont eat lunch, but thats because i dont get hungry, and i dont fucking WANT to throw up! ah, fuck what people think, right? but whats more important to me, is that it destroys my voice. and how am i supposed to sing on stage like this!?! alright alright, i just need to relax. i did this to myself, and its nothing that my healthy teenage mind cant fix. HOLY SHIT i sound like alex ah... you know what? i'm going to treat you all to the alex i once loved. he had a diary too. this was an entry from before he turned....sour, lets say. here goes- --------------------------------------------- ...but Halloweens in about two months now, and I'm gonna save up my money so I can rent a whole bunch of movies. I'm pretty excited about seeing EVIL DEAD II. Ariel came to school on Friday. I was so mad I couldn't even talk to her. I just kept walking. I figured she'd stay behind me until I calmed down, but with a bitchy "FINE," she trudged off to go see some other friends and teachers. I don't know what's gonna happen with us. It doesn't look too good right now. Her friend in my sixth period is really pissing me off. She won't stop talking to me. When I leave the class, she follows me. After school, I got in line for the pizza sale, and she cut in front of me and kept talking. In an attempt to get her the hell away from me, I asked, "Are you gonna buy some?" "Oh, yeah," she said hastily as she began to fumble through the bottom zipper on her bookbag. She finally came up with a jumble of coins and said it was a dollar. When she went up to pay, they told her to go because she was holding up the line by counting her penies. So when she was kicked out of the line, she waited for me and then came back. I told her I saw and old friend and that I'd talk to her later. Of course, that was a lie. I just pointed into a crowd of students and said I saw somebody I knew. So, I began to walk down the breezeway, when somebody tackles me. I mean litterally TACKLES me. I don't even know who this kid is, but we're tumbling down the slope, falling over eachother and one another's limbs hitting eachother. Finally, I got up, grabbed the fucker by the back of his shirt and threw him into the gate that was pulled back against the wall. It was fucking Kelan....... --------------------------------------------- there will always be two sides to ever story, now wont there? HAHAH- look what i found! this is all from my old diary before SITDIARY- aww i was so cute --------------------------------------------- 12:07pm 23/09/2004 Patrick asked me out last night. I dno if i should date him or not. I mean, sure, i have feeling for him, but i havent seen him twice in two years, and im still all over alex. Tina says she'll talk to alex, or did she. Ugg. i am just not remembehring anything anycmore. My srink says i have insomnia, but w.e. okl, yea , i guetss, but theres nothing he's duing about it that my dad cares about. Hes going to put me ion meazy bdicine. Danm. 01:56am 20/09/2004 its like 2:00 am and ive been staying up till 5 everynight thjis week. Im sitting on my bed eating cheescake and thinking alot. mabie too much. fuck here we go again. im so sick of this whole alex/tina/patrick/ayla/me/chevy/palmer issue. i started it. great. im going to sleep before i something i wont get to regret later. 12:16pm 15/09/2004 THis day has gone by so fast already. I have an early dissmissal for 1:15 so all the cheerleaders can go to the game and practice early. I only have mabie half a class yet, and im really nervous. This ass hole of a kid keeps telling me that in ugly and im like "strange" and shit. I tell him hes a sad excuse for a living person and shit, but he still goes on. I dont know if i want to go back to public school next year. It would be such a horrible change, from being a pamered bitch to a lousy druggie school. I do miss my old friends, but this school is feeling more and more like my home. I miss alex and i may never get him back. I cant stand it. At least Tina is super cool. He deserves her. 11:17pm 20/08/2004 well. today i say alex. if i go on i thik i'll cry. any way, i was reading his blurty and its all abut this chick named christina i wonder if he wrote that to make me jealous. well, it sure worked. i love hum and the fucker wont understand that i dint kiss him (or be around him for that ) was because it was all to much for me, being around someone who i haevnt sen for two months was really hard. fuck! life can go fuck itself. -------------------------------------------- hah. life doesnt much change, does it? well when fed loves me again, thats all i'll need. its just getting there thats repeating itself.