Last night I had a bat-mitzvah party of one of my mom’s friends girls. I didn’t really want to go, because who wants to dance with a bunch of 12 year olds that you have never met before? I went in two polos, a jean skirt, and my new boots. Well I knew one of one of the girls there because my mom’s friends are close, and have kids my age, and I have known her since I was a baby. Anyway, the party was in an actual club on south beach, so naturally, the DJ was amazing and I wanted to dance! Well the 80 12 year olds didn’t, but Sari did, so we fucking danced together for a good 30minutes until the party started. It was great after that, dancing on the tables and the music was FANTASTIC, at one point, they even played Panic! and fall out boy. So by the time that there was only about an hour left in the party, I realized that I hadn’t danced with one fucking boy! and to me, that was a sad problem. so I looked around at the nervous little 6th graders, and grabbed one. DANCE WITH ME! well to say the least, Lawrence danced better than he did, and Lawrence was so fucking stiff. but w.e. anyway, so we were dancing and all, until a fucking security guard broke us up. I was mad because I couldn’t even fucking dance!? but w.e. so I got one other kid to “dance” with me too. I hope fed wont mind…. fuck…. so anyway, my mom took me to my dad’s house after at like 12 and I passed out. this morning, my dad violently shook me awake at around 12:30 and told me that he found out my grades. I had an A in drama >which was the only thing that mattered to me anyway< a B in Spanish. Cs in everything in else, and a D in science and math. now, of course, since my dad has never had a problem in his life before until I was born, he was furious. and that’s to say the fucking least. if it wasn’t like fucking 40 degrees outside, I would have run away. so anyway, I spent the entire day being told that I’m going to get nowhere in life, and my dad is taking me out of palmer next year. and OH, no camp or pretty much any other source of life. well, the day I got ungrounded, I got re-grounded. yeay. and now I only have another few months with fed, and my palmer friends. oh, and now I’ll have to start all over again and make new friends AGAIN. I refused to take my pill today, it hasn’t been doing anything, I still want to kill myself. and I’ve developed some other happy symptoms. but I have to take it tomorrow, or I’ll have a heart attack or something. anyway, this semester has not been the easiest for me, and anyone who knows a lot about me knows just a little about that. I’m not using that as an excuse, but jesus, try living in my shoes for ONE day and tell me that I’m a failure and am a lazy fuck. I’m just am so glad that I have my boyfriend back. I really need a shoulder to cry on that I wont feel guilty about. I still think about running away out of state- to north Carolina or Indiana. okay, laugh. but its that or shooting myself, I swear. but I couldn’t leave fed.. JESUS why me, honestly. what have I DONE to anyone, for this shit to be in shit CONSTANTLY. its everyday, I cant even fucking remember a day when something wasn’t wrong. I cant stand it, really. and all I can do is smile, and you know, get over it, right? but I cant keep doing that. I wont keep pretending that i’m alright. i think that fed thinks I’m mad at him, and I haven’t been able to call him all day, and I doubt that he called me. even if he did, i’m not allowed to call anyone. this is ridiculous, isn’t my pill supposed to make me happier!? but no, it makes me paranoid, nauseous, and sleep deprived. all of which make me look terrible everyday, which forces me to paint my perfect face on every morning. how much longer will I have to keep this up for? I have given up on myself. I don’t know what to do anymore. I know what fed is going to say- listen to your parents, or do your homework, or do something right or something like that. and I know what I’m going to do- I’m going to get a bit upset and tell him he doesn’t get it. because he doesn’t. and JESUS, know that the kid is lucky he doesn’t have to deal with my shit. no one should, but no, I got stuck with it. w.e. I’ve stuck it out this long, right? eric hates me again- by the way. I was walking the dogs with him and heres how our conversation went- me – hey, were we supposed to bring the light or something? eric- I don’t know me- oh.. hey, tomorrow is dress uniform, right? eric – mhmm me – oh, thanks. oh my god, the fucking dean took my sweater! eric – you’ve told me, I don’t care. stop talking. so I did. the entire half hour of it. I don’t understand. even eddie thinks I’m a sell-out. and god, Claudia hates me too. i miss fed so much. maybe because I know that he wont judge me. or tell me that I’m a fuck up and am never going to get anywhere in life. or scream at me until I cry. but, love me and I can love him for not being like everyone else. I need to talk to him about everything. I hope I don’t cry.. I hate myself for what I did to him. I have to go now, I’m getting tired and that’s such a godsend. right now the only people that I can honestly say that I love are me and fed.