I am so fucking sick and tired of you people and your fucking superficial bullshit. I don't want my life to revolve around this but it does and being around you makes me want to kill myself. Literally. I keep thinking "Oh I don't have to deal with this when I'm out of highschool that there will not be people like this that I have to deal with." but that's not the truth. Once I get out of highschool and leave all those people behind, there will be more. It's a vicious cycle and the only way I can stop it is to be brutally honest. And please, stop with anonymous comments. i can read your journal, it's not hard to find. I don't want to hear this "I'm hurt" rhetoric because I know it's just your own ego being tarnished and it makes you feel powerless when something like that happens. Believe it or not, I have been honestly trying to get rid of this cynicism that keeps building up but now I realize that it's not me thats the problem, that its you people. And no I don't JUST mean you Kristin. This is addressed to a few people. I realized that anywhere else, thinking about ANYTHING else, I am happy. Even about humanities. I think what some of you don't realize is that seeing other people flaunt around what they are or who they or what position they hold doesn't make people admire them, it makes them annoyed of them. I think hypocricy is something I really need to address as well. Here you are, leaders in the choir class, the fucking choir council and you are setting the worst examples by talking when nobody else is. But the worst part is that you turn around and shun somebody for taking after your example. Where is the practicality in that? It's apalling the amount of obvious hypocricy present in you people. And maybe you were right to not put me on for any nights for coffee house. I'm not upset about that anymore because I do believe it was childish of me to act like that. It didn't make sense to me but I'm not going to act like I didn't act irrationally. But you know what, no matter how much praise, no matter how many people tell me I'm good and no matter how much I want something, I will never be able to convince myself I'm good enough. Even now, my life at a decision point I am clueless as to how I'm going to stay alive. It's a sad concept really. Thinking about what I need to do so I can live day to day. I don't want to live that way, but when it comes down to it, it looks like I'll have to. But obviously you think highly enough of yourself that you presume you'll make it. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if somebody says you have a fault in your profession, the bravest act of humiliation would be to try and work on it, not convince whoever is telling you this that you're just too good for words and that they are wrong. And about the calling names thing, I don't really care if it's childish. If somebody were to call me fat, which has happened once or twice, I'd take it into consideration. You know outside opinion is usually right, whether its out of jealousy or spite. I'd take it into consideration and I'd decide whether or not I wanted to change it. I wouldn't deny it and then make a spectacle of myself in front of everybody just to belittle the person calling me names. Please. Get over yourself. Whatever, this was about as rational as I get. You don't like it, tell me and maybe I'll work on it.