It was one year ago from thursday when I was walking down the hallway of school, minding my own business, coming in 2nd period because I had dropped my first hour. Nobody was really acting all that different, it was a usual day at the place I'd daily visited. But that day, was the fucking worst day of my life. Emily comes up to me (cough heartless bitch) and asked me if I had seen Josh, and of corse I hadn't cause I had just arrived. I asked her why and she looked at me with this look of puzzlement. She said "You didn't hear? Ryan killed himself." I kind of said oh and started to walk outside around to the otherside. It took me a while to figure out which Ryan, until I saw Ryan sullivan basically bawling his eyes out by the film room/ aka time out from freshman year. I felt my heart split at that moment, just completely fall apart. Ryan Thirkhill, the boy I'd been going to school with since fifth grade. The one who went from a chest raised high to a back over his head. The boy who was in my dreams next to Josh in fifth grade. The boy who'd constantly bum guitar strings off of me in middle school. That boy that made an arguement on christianity in the first part of that year. It really hit me hard outside. I went straight to my second period and eventually got sent to the library because I wouldn't stop crying. It took me weeks to stop breaking down in class everyday. I never had a friend die on me before and I at least hope it never happens again, though I know it will. Now I've gone back to that place in my life where everything relates back to him and how I can't stop crying. One little reminder makes me sob. Maybe its because I was like this last year this time but I just want it to be over, I'm sick of feeling like shit FOR NO REASON. I think what hit me the hardest was the funeral. Well, I'm not sure if it was a funeral so much as a meeting in a church to talk about him. I fucking hated his mom for cremating him, it's like he's not even gone so it haunts me, i didn't get to see him one last time. But, what really got to me was seeing my best friend crying. I mean this strong guy who never once acted depressed or quiet, crying. I couldn't stand seeing him like that, I couldn't stand watching him deteriorate like that. Save face and leave before she gets mean You know how to act you've scripted the scene the film's more a short, a monologue of sorts Whatever's invalidate the mind reading smile Now ask your self quietly (you're a bright, breathing funeral) Was it worth all the agony? Your last fairy tale. Scribble out the trite words, on paper always smarter. Looking for the video locked in your left brain. A string of stealth encounters, making sex under the table. Perfect simple positions like the truth you've learned to bend. Now ask yourself quietly, you get worked over nightly by the brutal relatiy of your last fairy tail. Young fiction writer you tried to live inside her. Depending on paper to save you in the end. Now ask yourself quietly feel free to answer honestly. It's o.k. you're alone now, was it worth one less friend?