I am in Love with Jesse Stephens :) I got a package today from the one&only and it seriously made me cry because it was sooo cute. Like I dunno it wasn't anything too much but it's just the thought that counts and the fact that I miss him sooo much and now I have something to keep here with me that reminds me of him is great. He got my a whole bunch of UNC Charlotte gear and a cute teddybear that says "Someone in UNC Charlotte Loves Me!" yayy! I Love Him!...and then my Chrissy Gaeta came over to visit me and that made my day too because I haven't seen him in forever and we didn't do anything at all we just hung out with my mom and sister and we had a blast?!! ohh..today was a good day && I feel all sorts of lots better -©-

had a nice day at school today...not :/ after school I went to Josh's house && it all pretty much got real bad real fast from there. So I was showing Josh my new phone and I thought he was playing games and whatnot so I didn't really mind him having my phone. Next thing I know, Jesse calls my cellphone and I didn't want to answer it because Josh would have gotten mad. So when I went to answer my phone I also noticed that I had a text message. I read the message and it's from Jesse saying "Hi Josh ;)" ....? So I was sort of confused and then I read the rest of my messages and it turns out that Josh was having a text-war with Jesse on my phone!!!! Basically Josh told Jesse not to call my phone or talk to me ever agian and Jesse was like umm, no? so yeah they were arguing and Josh was being dumb like the only thing he could say to Jesse was fuck you and Jesse was just like wow after me being with Kari for 3 months now all you have to say is Fuck me? blahblahblah really stupid and yeah. Pretty much it came down to me having to choose between having Jesse as a friend or Josh as a friend and I said that I wasn't going to choose. (Josh was the one that was making me) SO ya know... that's over and done with. Josh hates Jesse and Jesse just laughs at him and I'm just staying out of it. There was a pretty heated arguement between the Joshers and I but I'm not about to get into that right now. But I'm gonna go because Devin is gonna come visit me so latergators -©-

so today was a superintendant's day so we had no school! Well since Daddy is on a business trip and Mommy works during the day... Kar-Kar thought it would be a good idea to go drive-drive around! haha, I picked up Desi and then we went to Josh's and then we were gonna go to Cider Mill but we didn't so we dropped off Josh and the picked Josh up again to get him food and the dropped him off again then went to Rene's to get her and Amanda and then the 4 of us went to Josh's again? I dunno, then took Rene and Amanda home then took Desi home then took me home and stopped at Rene's again because Alex was there and I have not seen her in awhile so THEN I finally took me home and now I am home and yeah, gonna go do homework now buhbye -©-

well I had work from 10:15 til 3:15 and that was fun. ummm, I came home and pretty much did nothing all night :) OH... I GOT A NEW PHONE! k done now -©-

so umm, about that? Yeah tonight was sorta kinda really out-of-control! hmmm, went to the game with Desi but managed to pound a few brewshkies with her before-hand in her room....?!! haha cute I know. So yeah, saw alot of homies and what not and yeah that made me happy. Saw the biggest whore in the Greater Binghamton area too (Amy) and for some reason I didn't beat the shit out of her? Oh thats right, because shes scum of the earth and doesn't deserve that kind of attention! blahdeblah hung out with some cool peeps and then Desiree left me and the madness began. So the plan was I was going to get picked up by Devin because I haven't seen him in forever and he actually talked to me today and then we were gonna go to Steve's house. Well Steve and them went to IceHouse and Devin went home cuz he didn't feel like doing anything and I was stuck at the game :( I ended up finding Caleb and Dom and going home with them but funny thing is- they didn't know where they were going either!! So we got dropped off outside of Josh's house and ended up walking to Nirchi's to get picked up by another dude to go to Marisa's party...hectic! Well, we get picked up and there were like 6 kids in the car and the driver guy (forgot his name) is driving like an asshole and yeah we almost died probably. We get to Marisa's house and just as we're walking towards her front lawn her parents pull in the driveway and yell "FREEZE" and of course, everyone booked it. hmm, we lost Deven and his friends but me Dom and Caleb and everyone else in the car managed to stick together. Funny thing is though, like 4 other girls followed us so they could get a ride and umm they are friends of the whore and that was a nonono. Since Dom didn't like them either, we both just walked back to Josh's house. Mommy picked me up at Nirchi's instead of Josh's because she saw me walking and I went home. I told Mommy all about what happened and she laughed cuz she saw kids running down taft with cases in their hands :) Well seeing how it is 11:30 on a Saturday night I'm gonna go try to find something else to do...the night is still young! -©-

Ok I think it's saying something when your parents have a more active party life then you :/ hahaa...the Mommsy and Daddsy had some of their friends over tonight and they were seriously acting like kids- It Was Insane! So ummm, everyone was piss drunk and playing with fire, pushing eachother in the pool, dancing like maniacs, and of course playing with an air-Zooka??! yeah it was ri-GODDAMN-diculous but a perk about the parents being shitfaced is that they were outside most of the night and the booze was inside :) I guess you could say I helped myself. No you can say I helped myself. haha, so by the time Scott came to get me I was pretty wasted and we ended up just driving around aimlessly then hanging out at HomerBrink on the playground. It was cute, we just spent the whole night talking and being dumb So Scotty took me home and then thats when the party really began. My Love Karen was there when I got back and we had the BEST time!! She's the wife of my dad's co-worker and shes only 27 and shes just like me and shes crazy! muahahaha we have come to the conclusion that we are bound to do great things together and have officially adopted one another as our sister. So um yeah, Karen is my love and she was drunker then me and we were like talking and doing the stupidest stuff but it was reallllllly fun. haha!!! Oh I Love IT. So yeah, seeing how it is 4 o'Clock in the a.m. and I don't have a buzz anymore and Karen just left there is no reason for me to be up. So going sleepy-sleep LOVEYOUBYE -©-

"this is where I say I've had enough" ok...so forget everything. School has officially marked the beginning of the end of my first and only real/intense relationship :/ I dunno, ever since school started it's been easier getting over Josh and the same goes for him so it seems. I think we're trying too hard to make things better && right now neither of us really want to do that, let alone have the time for that kind of effort. I think we're just too affraid to hurt one another so instead of having a definite closure, we're sorta kinda just fading away slowly??! Not the best way to handle things but we're not really doing anything to change it. We hang out once in a blue moon and talk pretty much only when we're together. It's different and all but I guess it's for the better. I mean if we can't make this work then maybe it's supposed to be like that. I'm starting to accept the fact that all good things must come to an end annnnnnd I'm getting along a lot better than I thought I would without being attached at the hip with him. So Ya Know...It's hard to tell if any of this is definite cuz lately we've just sort of been going with the flow and trying to get our own lives in order so maybe if we did actually work on it things would be different but we really don't have the time for one another and when we do it's not even the same between us. For example: Today he accidently called me instead of his house cuz our numbers are similar. It was right out of the blue and this was the first time I had heard from him in a few days. Yeah, it was just dumb small-talk that pretty much had no point so I figured that while I actually had ahold of him I would go pick up my clothes that I left at his house. So, I got him from his friends house and dropped him off at his house and that was it? We barely talked didn't make plans for later didn't say any "I'll call you later" type of thing. Just Bye. It's almost like a burden when we accidently talk or see eachother which is so not anything like us cuz before we were planning on working things out and now its just like well I'm not sure anymore. I guess you just have to let things go && if shit happens, it happens. If not, Oh well I think we'll manage :) -©-

OK, Everyone that is over the thought of school say "I" ....I! -©-

I've decided to come to terms with the fact that shit is never going to be as easy as I would like it to be, and I'm pretty ok with that...Actually, Josh helped me be ok with that. Basically I need to stop thinking about what other people think and just do my own thing I've been talking with Josh alot lately and things are going really good (if you don't count the little arguement we got into Saturday night) but now things are going to be different for us. I don't know in what way but they are. Pretty much I'm not gonna bitch as much and talk shit about him when I really feel the exact opposite for him. I love being with him and I enjoy his presence && I really don't see him being out of my life anytime soon. The way things are different in one way though is school has started and we've sorta fallen apart some but not too bad. I dunno, I'm hooked on the kid and as of know I'm not really complaining of what we are and what we're not...we're just fine on the other hand...seeing how a majority of my friends are seniors and have extremely bad "senior-itis", I don't see any of them anymore and that makes me sad. I've been busy too but yeah, I miss my ladies. But I've had plenty of time to chiLL with my other lovlies who are cuties :) but yeah...going now kBYE -©-

hey sorry guys I really have no time anymore to do this with school && work 'n all...so when I get things under control I'll come back :) -©-

ahh today was the first day of being a Junior :) ...I'm officially one step closer to being out of highschool! Today wasn't so bad. I have a lot of classes though, some with people I like- some not. ya knowww the deal. So I had school all day then work all night and I got home just in time to do homework chat with my love and go to sleep the school year is going to be alot like today. school til 3 then work 4-8...poopydick gonna try to get more then 2 hours of sleep like last night :/ -©-

like the new layout? I think I do comment please :) -©-

well...the total cost for egging a house = 25$ BUT, the court fees = 100$ shitty. so that's what I did earlier today. I woke up at 7:30 in the morning just so the judge could tell me that was very bad don't do it ever again. Good thing he liked me && was being nice cause he let me off with practically nothing compared to what the cop said I was going to get Then went to the school to walk through my schedule a bit and to clean out my locker which was a waste because I ended up getting a new locker right by the main office because the secretaries in charge of that stuff love me :) so I had a pretty good day until I had to go to my doctor appt and fricken poooopydick! I hate doctors I hate having to go there and everything I've been going through for the past few months was a waste and now I have to go through it all again...dammit Oh well, Mommy felt bad so she took me shoe shopping cause I Heart Shoes hmmm, think I'm gonna go take a dip in the pool now because it's probably one of the last days I'll be able to && I'm grounded and have nothing else better to do...PeaceOutCubScouts Oh, && I got my little i.d. card for my permit in the mail today! -©-

soo yeah, I am officially a Giant employee. wooohoooo! I worked from 10-3 and my feetsies are killling me. yeah, I knew like everyone there so it wasn't boring which is good. I spent most of the day with Harbsty because he's a cutie Josh came in with a whole bunch of his friends and were being complete assholes!!...it was funny though. Scott came in and spent like an hour talking and hanging out with me and then he ended up taking me home and to get some icecream :) we went back to my house and he ended up staying all night. haha, it was sorta weird because we were celebrating my Daddy's birthday and he was just like there? I dunno he's adorable though and he fit right in for the most part...but I am going to get in the hott tub right now because me feet and back hurt BYE -©-

hmm...cleaned all day today waiting for the arrival of my Aunt and Uncle which was not fun. yeah, then T*Ho called and I eneded up going to the U-E football game with her and I bumped into a whole bunch of people but spent most of the night sitting with Tiera's ex-boyfriend's parents?? I dunnno. Oh yeah, and there was a really cute awkward moment earlier but I'm not going to get into that cause it's just dumb. yepp, left the game and went to Target to endure yet another awkward moment...NEAT! Fricken A. Went to the highschool to go meet up with Joshy and Cody for a hottsecond and ended up going home with them because I like them better :) now I am home at 10:30 on another Saturday night, doing nothing! This is the LAST Saturday of summer and I'm at home...shittty -©-

grounded for the last week of summer...pooopy -©-

so I woke up at 10 so I could run some errands with my mommy before she went to work. WELLL, we got a little behind schedule and I ended up having to drop her off at work instead of going home and letting her drive back to work. hehe, nonono mommmy. && she thought I was gonna go straight home after??! pshhh, I had the car out for like an hour and a half just driving around and being queer. got home just in time to get ready for my job orientation that was 4 fricken hours long and a complete waste of time...but I got paid for it blahhh, got mommy went to Target went to Barnes&Noble then out to eat and back home juuuuust in time to take a shower and go to my AliBaba's house to get ready for Boca's :) Ali came to pick me and Allison up then we went back to her house to meet up with Fritschy, James, Brittany, and Desiree and then we were offff! Got to Boca's wayyy too early and then we didn't have the right color marker so we had to wait around for the other girls to get there. Met up with Jessie, Jen, Rach, Brenda, and Ashley && then it was officially party time!! danced with a few cuties, bumped into a few cuties, and as usual the girls and I spent a majority of the night dancing on stage :) haha, but yeah. I met Scott who is adorable and yeah. Bumped into a bunch of people that I hadn't talked to in forever like Jon, Josh and Johnny and that was neat. ummm, yeah then me and Desi got kicked out? HAHAH! didn't really phase me though because the hot body contest was going on and I didn't really want to see a bunch of trailertrash saggy titties :/ haha, and there was a better party outside the club anyways. I hung out with Scott alot outside and he is just great. He bought me a drink and we talked alot and we were supposed to hangout after the club but James was tired and poopy. Oh well! left Boca's around 1:30 and we were attempting to go to Zac Tokas's hotel/appartment but we kept getting lost and then by the time we got there Corey, Benny, Eddie, Zac, and some Brandon kid were toasted and we only stayed for like 45 min. hah, Brandon was ridiculous but he's a cutie. blahblahblah..yeah, my curfew was 1:30 and that was when I left the club?? hmm yeah, I didn't get home 'til around 3 and yeah I guess you could say I'm in a little trouble :) I love it though -©-

hmm, hung out with the Desiree today. We wereee supposed to go out with a few people but umm they thought they were too cool for us and went to some gay orinetation dance && that pissed me off in all sorts of ways because now our night was shot. But hey, you know us we always find something :) mmm...we went out for a drive with Daniella and Brittany and were just going about pointlessly. I get a call from Joshua who ditched us and we all ended up going to Timmy Bouely's for a little get together. hah, I RAN INTO JOHNNY LIN! craaaazy asian, muahahaa he knew me as the girl that put his present to Jesse to use?...(long story)...cuteeee! yeah so BayBay was there and he was drunk as usual and he was being weird and I wasn't about to get involved in an arguement with him with all these people around so I just sorta ignored him to save the trouble but made me sad cause I wanted to talk. We leave, I go to sleep only to be rudely awakened by HIM... me- "....Hello" him- "I LOVE YOU!" me- "what?" him- "so are you with any hott guys?" me- "I'm with desi and we're sleeping" him- "is desi a hott guy?" me- "what the fuck?" him- "so you can't say I Love You back?" me- "I Love You Back" him- "fine I see how it is, are you mad at me? I'm really sorry for calling you it's kinda late. I'll call you tomorrow. I love you" jeeeeze...that kid drives me up the wallll. Well yeah, going back to sleep now -©-

I had my 2nd interview for Giant today which was pretty much just exchanging paper work and giving me my hours so it really wasn't an interview but ya know. It was sorta cute considering I was still hung over :/ HAH pretty much all I did today, wicked right? goingnow-BYE -©-

everytime I'm at Josh's house it's like this...in fact everytime I have anything to do with him like talking on the phone or whatever it's like we are dating again, but we're not? I dunno, like I reallllly realllllllly just want to be friends with him but when I'm with him all of that just disappears and I'm in, love and everything about him seems wonderful and like we don't even fight anymore and we seem 1,000 times closer now. It's soo weird. I mean everyone thinks we're dating again because that's how much time I spend with him...GAHHH! It's soo messed up. I have all of the perks of being a girlfriend, hah like not just the obvious one though. He doesn't hang out with girls or have anything to do with girls for the most part like he always wants to be with me and I always wanna be with him too. And it sucks because like I have to lie to myself and all my friends like "Oh we're not together. No, I hate him. We're just friends. Or he can't get over me and keeps bothering me." God I don't know why I do that! It's like I'm ashamed to say "Yeah, I'm hopelessly inlove with the kid so I am still with him!!!" I don't want to admit that someone seriously has the power over me to like make me do everything and anything for him because I hate being like that...I like being the one in control and whatnot! I feel terrible too because like if he calls me when I'm with people or if I see him while I'm with my friends I'm soo mean to him... :( And then to top it all off I have to hide that I'm having anything to do with Josh from mi familia, Jesse, and other guy friends cause they will murder me! Jeeze, if all the guy friends supposedly care about so much to not let me be with Josh then why don't they be with me so I can get over him??? I hate this...I just want school to start so I can leave Josh or I just want people to jump off my back and let me be with him! I really do love him...so much. I honestly think that no matter how hard I try to avoid him he will always be there and I am so lost for words when I think about my future and like marriage and I know that is soooo far down the road but we had everything planned out perfect and I am completely stumbled as to how I'm going to let someone in and share what I have shared with Josh. Shit, I doubt that I will ever find anyone that I can even connect with on that level & I'm not sure I want to! It just sucks because I know I'm so much better than him and I deserve a lot more...Love is soo hypocritical and over-rated. You set all these high standards and expect so much out of someone but then your complete opposite or someone soo wrong for you can just waltz in and blow you away and everything you knew just goes out the window in a matter of minutes. Why is love such a big deal? Why do people try to rationalize or philosiphy love...why can't you just let things happen and go with it?! Here's a good one... Why can't people recognize love before they lose it and why can't they cherish it and celebrate it while they can before it's too late!!!? -*-*-*-*-*-*--*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- Our seperation has it's faults But I don't wanna leave it all So write the letters in teary ink I just need some time to think And I just need some time to breathe Baby just say goodnight I'll be gone tomorrow Baby just close your eyes I can't take the sorrow Baby just walk away You know I can't stay There's no easy way to say goodbye So baby just say goodnight We're in a spell that never ends The empty hourglass wore me thin So let the phone do it's work Your voice is heaven But it hurts Your words are memories But they burn Baby just say goodnight I'll be gone tomorrow Baby just close your eyes I can't take the sorrow Baby just walk away You know I can't stay There's no easy way to say goodbye So baby just say goodnight Baby don't say goodbye Baby just close your eyes And dream,tomorrow's on it's way So just walk away Baby just say goodnight I'll be gone tomorrow Baby just close your eyes I can't take the sorrow Baby just walk away You know I can't stay There's no easy way to say goodbye So baby just say goodnight Baby just say goodnight