You know what's awesome? Looking back on my ridiculous adolescent years. I'm in college. I'm getting my own apartment. I've got an internship with WISPIRG. I'm becoming a manager at CEC. I'm in love with a girl. Gettin back into pilates. Ahhhhh life.

Oh man, just when I thought Sit might be losing it's touch, I learn that they have my WORD FOR A MOOD! SAAAWEEEET! Ok. So it's summer time once again and this summer is a tad different than the rest. This is the summer of my Junior year which means next year I will be a senior which is absolutely fabulous because to put it lightly, my school is a hellhole. I bought myself a guinea pig the other day. Her name is Delilah. She's a sweetheart. She makes me melt. Hahaa! I want to buy her a bigger cage and I would like to do that today but I don't know if I will have the time. I would like to get laundry done as well. At any rate, I do love this little dork and I am fairly excited about my new addition. Now I don't feel so alone when I come home to this stupid empty house. Speaking of which, I have come to the conclusion that I have grown a bad addiction to the mouse. An addiction that has taken over my life. It's like all I ever want to do is be at work and all I ever think about is work. I'm reading now so I don't feel so compelled to think about work and because I do love reading. Just finished Nicholas Sparks' The Guardian. Very cute story I must say. I really want to get this little shit a new house. She's so adorable. I need to give her a hiding place and everything. She brings a lot of light to my life, believe it or not. Everyone knows that I am not normally a pet person, but when I saw her in the store I literally fell in love. "I want this one!" were my exact words. ahaha. Anyways, back to my work situation. It's very sad... I hate talking about it. I never want to leave, EVER! It seriously makes me all.. gloomy to think that I can't spend the rest of my life at that place. I hate losses and this will most definitely be the biggest one I have ever encountered. That's why I work so much because I know I won't be there forever. Then I get tired. It's a catch 22. Very annoying. I should take some time off. maybe after Florida. We'll see how the week goes when I come back. Hopefully I will have a lot of fun and everything will be just dandy!!! :) I need to get out in this good weather.. I NEED TO! Plus i gotta get Delilah some home stuff. Yes. But first i need to do my laundry. I work tomorrow so my uniform needs to be clean by then. Alright. I got some of my thoughs out there. We'll try again tomorrow.

Your love has given me wings. UMM... gotta put this somewhere safe. :) Life is good right about NOW! :) Ahh.. I can't wait for my recommendation letter... i wonder if i'll actually get the job. tehe. "i don't know why you're freakin out about this, stop bein a goof. i think this is a great opportunity for you and i'm not worried about it at all. you wanna know why i'm not worried about this? it's not because i dont care.. it's because i know that even if you do get this job, and i hope you do.. i know you won't leave me. you're my felicia. you're my white lightning. and as much as i want you to become successful, i want to keep you too. so hopefully we can find a happy medium." "bye darlin." "no... i can be your boo, bill's your darlin." "so that's how she's gonna leave.. with a 'fuck you'." allen: "bill said that you're the best he ever had.... take that how you want to." "how's my captain?!" "I love this kid, she's great. I wanna keep her forever!" "I'm doing this because when you go off and become extremely successful, more successful than i could ever dream of becoming, you will deal with situations just like these. I'm trying to prepare you for those situations." "I love you." "felicia, you might not see how amazing you are, but i do." "this has nothing to do with you... you are amazing, i love you....i could never find the words to explain how much you mean to me." "you're a different story. when you say something to me, i consider it to be sincere." "when i leave, you're coming with me." "you promised!" "yes i did." "you almost got me killed... i almost died because of you." "what are you talking about?" "well... i was rushing back to see you and i almost got caught in the tornadoes in Florida." "i know you missed me while you were gone." "yes." "did you really?" "yes. yes. and if you asked me again i'd say the same thing. yes." so anyways... um i pretty much love my job. lately its just been great. i love it so much. i wanna stay there forever and there's nothing else that comes close to my heart. not even close. this place is my fucking life. and i love it that way. seriously. oh man. i am just awesome. im really really tired lately and i probably should try and calm down on work but this week i dont have that many hours. now last week i had like 33 hours. it was fabulous. umm, the other aspects of my life don't really matter at the time because i just love work. YEAH I SAID IT. i dont know... lately people have just fuckin let me DOWN. so it doesn't really matter. associates becomes a new word in my vocab, but that's quite alright. i have an interview, i wonder if they will think i would be a good asset for their company or not. i kinda want it, but if i dont get it then its not that big of a deal. school's goin ok. im just more focused on my future. :) i'm happy.

i personally hate myspace blogs. ick. i like sitdiary because no one can read it but me. mainly because no one knows about sitdiary. its no xanga and no myspace. which is really great. i love private little sitdiary. i was reading some old entries and realized just how much i cared about that kid. its funny how we can be blind to one's imperfections when all we worry about is being happy. last summer was a really great summer in the sense that i was happy. this summer i'm happy, but overall, i'm not. which is funny... but sad. its a thing. it will pass eventually. just like everything else. i think about how things were with my boyfriend for a year and how different things are now. in a way it gives me motivation to move on... i dont know. not motivation, but it makes me realize that i will be at that point with him eventually. its hard because we are joined by mutual friends, but as we mature things will get easier. in a way i am excited about next school year because it is a chance to start new and such. i dont want it to be all full of drama and stuff. that wouldn't be too good. and i really hope that we can put all of this aside and stuff. i miss being the good friends that we were. but good things come to those who wait. yeah, he's been on my mind lately. i kinda like it. work is going well. i should go see if the laundry is ready to be put in the dryer. my blue shirt is in there. i love that thing. i need new pants for work and new shoes. woo. lookin ass. i do need new shoes tho. i dont know what kind yet. i also need to go back to school shopping. that i am really excited about. which is why i try not to spend that much money. i got my nails done which is mega awesome becuase i have wanted that for... like ever. alright i'm done with this enrty. i need to finish the laundry. iloveyou.

alright its the day after the dells which was really nice. A very relaxing day for me to just be me. I've been very sheltered for the past like..... 9 months or so. therapy helps, but it shows me that i shouldn't be afraid of letting someone in that could help me. i'm sick of my fake pride. stubborn-ness is big in my family. i want to break that cycle. i feel just like i'm living someone else's life. like i just stepped outside when everything was going right. i dont know. i don't feel like milwaukee is my home. i just dont feel like i belong here. i dont know. i mean i do, but i guess i will be happy when i leave this place and go off to college and stuff. i feel bad for saying that, but i dont want to stay here for the rest of my life. i want to live on one of the coasts. i'd come back for sure and i will most likely vacation back and maybe make it up for summerfest again and stuff. this is a great place and i love it, but i want to see the world. or at least a nice chunk of it. I felt really happy exploring wisconsin dells and it was really really fun. the most fun i've had this summer definitely. it was great because the night before i felt like shit and i was crying about not feeling right. and then i went to paul bunyan's, noah's ark, downtown dells, and then rocky roccoco's for the first time. it was really fun and i felt really happy to ride the ducks and stuff. my sinus infections have become a more frequent thing and thats annoying. my grandmother gets them all the time i should really ask her what works. i use benadryl but that doesnt always seem to help. now i think my sister is getting them and that just makes me sad. a little girl like her shouldn't have to worry about that stuff. lol i'm talking about allergies. i want my sister to enjoy her childhood as best as possible. mainly because i didnt have one. i did, but then at the age of 6 we moved to milwaukee and i had to grow up real qucik. year after year something stupid was happening. now things are just all retarded. fortunately, i dont blame myself for it all. it takes two to make in accident. or in this case, 4. nothing that felicia can't pull through. i just dont want to end up like my parents and i will do my best not to. i love them and all, but if i end up like them... i'll be miserable for the rest of my life. i dont want that. i want them to be happy, but you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. its a very good concept to grasp. if you don't, then you just start to blame yourself. even if it your nature to help everyone... sometimes there are people that you cannot help. like doctors. sometimes people are going to die no matter how hard they try. its good not to always blame yourself. then again its good not to blame everyone besides yourself as well. i know its easier, but life IS NOT EASY. remember that. own up to your actions. say you're sorry when you know you've done something wrong. did we NOT learn this when we were little? say sorry. lol so i confessed my feelings then you come back and blame me for feeling that way. lol i love how you never admit you're wrong. especially when it comes to this whole fucked up relationship. by relationship i mean the general term.... being connected or associated with one another. i dont even know what to call this stupid ass situation that we are in. and now we're not talking again. i like it because it gives us time. all we ever need is time and then we try to rush something and then you try to run my life. then i get pissed because i will handle things the way i want to handle them regardless of whether you or the POPE thinks that i should otherwise. i need to learn and without fucking up... i will never learn. sometimes i need to see where this road leads me, or that road, or what will happen if i take this shortcut. its all about learning. we are young. youngins think they know it all, but really.... we have no idea. we throw around the words i love you and a few months later its all over and we deny ever feeling that way. PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE! you MUST NOT deny feelings you MUST NOT force them either. its a big NO NO because in the long run it will all come right back to you. at the end of the day all you have is YOU. you are your own person. regardless of the friends you have, regardless of the family you have... you are the only person who truly knows you. i think this is a time when we are finding ourselves and i too am confused. i was lost... and now i'm finding myself. slowly but surely. we're put on this earth to live and yet so many people are afraid to do so. think about it; what will happen to someone who commits a horrible crime..? they go to prison blah blah blah. but that doesnt mean that they are stupid. it means they werent afraid to live their life. everyone has their story... a reason for doing what they do. us being human beings should be able to look past all of the bullshit and realize that we are all people... all wanting to do the same thing: LIVE! ahhhh... one day, one day.

ok i thought i would write in here because lately i am getting really angry. umm, where do i even start? i want this to be a good entry but i have no clue where to begin... first thing that comes to mind. i hate you. lol hmm thats the first thing because i can't even hate the little whore. lol i call everything a whore nowadays. umm, but yeah... can u see how i am trying to drift away from telling sit this? what's wrong with me! sit is my BEST FRIEnD! lol she knows everything. she? lmao i saw Cars today. cute movie. i kinda cried. lmao i'm a sucker for sad movies.. but yeah i really liked it. it talked about love and self discovery. ew english class. themes. i did learn something...... um, but anyways. i'm sitting here having a stomach ache after going like two full days without having one. ok one full day. lol i start drivers ed tomrrow and i feel like taking a walk. walks are great because they let me clear my head... but yeah. i'm not walking for some weird reason. if this were like waterford i'd be out there quicker than a hiccup. lol but its milwaukee. that never scared me. this stomach ache is killing me. i'm sitting here because i am sad. lol its PMS because i only get this worked up around this time of the month. i hate it, but it happens when you are felicia. umm, i hate how things are, but i've come to realize that this is how they are probably going to be. i did this with zach, i can do it with matt. granted it will take a while, especially when matt feels the need to criticize everything i do. not once have i heard something good come out of his mouth. half the time he was just bullshitting. i think he just wanted to be with me to be with someone. ooo, that makes the situation worse... but then again he wouldn't still be attached to me if he didnt feel something more. lmao what we had was feelings. lookin ass. yeah, feelings where if i broke up with u twice u'd let me come around a third time. haha. i'm just putting too much thought into this. i always put too much thought into everything. thats how i get myself confused. grrr... but anyways. this is me just trying to deal with you not being in my life anymore. i hate it because u can never leave me alone... u always got something to say. some stupid blog to write. lol i should talk, but seriously. i want you to stop because you claim that you can. let's see if it works this time. i dont really want you to go but if you claim that its for the best... then go ahead. i think you have hurt me enough for me to finally let you leave. but it doesnt mean that i wont still hold on. lol i always hold on. and i'll always be here if you ever want to come back because i know what that is like too... to need someone. so i will always be here. not that you will ever really care. but i know that you do because you're matt. lol i love how much of a bitch i act like on myspace, but sit knows the real me. its sad when i think that i want a friendship but then i think... "why aren't we friends? oh yeah because he hates me." its pretty damn sad and i cry every time i think about how you feel about me because i know that ur hurt and it is partly my fault because well it takes two to tango........ and i dont even hate you for hurting me, i hate you for the way you act now. you're too scared to talk to me and be friends. its so sad. and then you cover it up by saying i am a horrible person and that i have bad habits. i dont have bad habits. my bad habit is thinking that i am a horrible person. mentally i am in a horrible state but i dont use addictions to try and make myself feel better. i will give my self enough credit for that one. its all just a mental thing and i am having a hard time getting on the right track mentally. its sad. long story short. i just need to get my shit together. i am procrastinating. i dont know why. but things will get better soon, i promise.

so i am sitting here thinking that today was a wonderful day! =] for once i had fun and stuff so that was cool. i aced all of my finals this morning and it was a great way to start out the day. i need to brush my teeth. lol randomisity is awesome btw. then i spent the entire rest of the day with Clarissa. it was great. and then we went and got Marcelo. that was fun. he is growing up so quickly, its so cute. i love how he is when it comes to our friends. i just love the kid he is so adorable. he is gonna make some woman very happy one day. things seem a little clearer tonight. i talked to him on the phone. it was the most pointless conversation that we have ever had, but it was great nonetheless. lol yeah, to me it was great. i guess i am doing something right. i really hope that things get back to normal because i want all of us to be able to hang out as a group. no fighting, no jealousy, no nothin. i want this summer to be fun. some highlights of the day: -i dont have the internet do to this anymore! -what does he do it to? thoughts?!?! -it smells like dead fush! -bitches need to get off my dick. -thank you. thank you. thank you. -banging of the glass on the plates -constantly watching the cell phone. -losing of the cell phone -climbing on rocks -being all dramatic with marcelo down the hill -becoming one with nature, literally. lmao -playing speed in the park -getting cool FBI stuff -getting a lecture about how horrible myspace is -meeting clarissa's mom and dad -meeting marcelo's mom -realizing that marcelo has the best living quarters in all of the world. lmao (ok, all of milwaukee) -finding my phone =] i love her. ahh, i love those two. i loved today. it was a great day. i miss work. i get to close kid check tomorrow so it is all cool. i have a really bad headache now because i am just so darn tired. i am just ready to go. i gotta wash my face and brush my teeth yet. GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT.

umm.. so i have the song cold by crossfade in my head thanks to jon. =] its annoying and cute in the same sentence. lol i bit my damn cheek and it hurts. ugh there's this big bump on the inside of my cheek and thats annoying too. so i want to redo my page, but sit wont let me so i am stuck with this one for a little while. i redid myspace and it looks really cool, if i do say so myself. lol i was talking to whitney about this yesterday. without trust you have nothing. it really made me evaluate the relationship we had and i think... we never did have trust. but we did have trust as friends. maybe its a higher level of trust that we lacked, but i know that we never had it as a couple. its amazing how fucked up things can get when you don't have something as simple as trust. yes i over think things, but i think its good to wallow in this situation for a while. it makes everything more great.. u can't realize how good things are if u experience the bad. i need a reality check and being down in the dumps for months will be good for me. i think its a personal thing. i need to learn to become happier with the person i am. i am thinkaful for my life and all.. i just dont appreciate it. its a sad story and i am really just a bitchy little american girl who could have everything she wanted, but i am still sitting here and bitching about how horrible my life is. i really don't even know why i am sitting here and bitching about the most random of shit. i'm so pissed at my failures. i think thats it. there's not a day i wake up and think, well matt isnt my friend anymore and you know what felicia? ur stupid for being such an idiot. ahh! i hate it when things fall apart. everything was so good a year ago. *puts face in hands and sighs* thats all i can really do about the situation. its so weird to just try and make things right again. grrr. its annoying because we're matt and felicia. it shouldn't even be like this. it really shouldn't even have to be like this. remember all the good times we had? when we weren't together? i went to dan jansen and everything i saw, i thought of how good we were as friends. we were like bestestest friends. but maybe i just need to accept the fact that we aren't meant to be friends? i guess if things are meant to be this way, they will stay that way. this song is so perfect. my god. i love nickleback sometimes. i think i just do need to move on from this. but like everything else that has left my life, its going to take a while. patience is a virtue. and i think that God knows that I am awful with patience so he throws this shit at me that only time will heal.

ugh wtf my family is so goddamn retarded. i have ninty one dollars in the bank because my mother took all of it out. "i'll give it back." its not about that, its about the fact that you even need to take my money in the first place. i am just so pissed at her today. i've been pissed at her for months now. she is so completely irresponsible and i am trying hard to not be like her. its not working. i am so mad. ugh ugh ugh. i dont wanna be like my mom. ever. i want a new account thats mine. i hate being young there are so many disadvantages to it. you get treated like shit. legally. people tell me i am so wise beyond my years, but that wont get me my own checking account. i've been wanting to save up my money, but its hard when i have my account in my mother's name. mother fucking bitch. and my sister. i ate her lunchable and it was turned into a huge ass argument. lmao. ugh its not funny because she pissed me off. i'm so tired lately and i have this constantly gnawing pain in my fucking stomach and i feel like ripping it out and throwing it on the ground and stomping on it because at least then it won't be a constant pain. lmao it will just be me dying, rather quickly. anyways. i go to the doctor next fucking friday. thats a week from today. mother fucker. ugh i just want to relax. i still have to go to school on monday to take my goddamn exams. waste of fucking time if i do say so myself. haha. health and accounting. i gotta make my cheat sheet this weekend. ughhhhhhhhh this is so annoying. i love accounting but i dont like this exam coming up. although i have a feeling i will do really well on it. i got 100% on the last test we took so thats good. =] umm. other than that i am so sick of fucking school. i am so glad it is going to be over. i hugged him today i just went up behind him while he was at his locker and hugged him. i didnt say anything at all... i didnt look at him, i didnt do anything. i hugged him and he knew i was hugging him and he didnt stop me. it was just a reassurance from me to him that i love him. it was good to finally do that. i'm proud. then i got to candice's locker and wanted to cry. lol. i love that school... but this was my worst year. it was still great. i'm gonna miss it. =] i hope this summer i get my life back. i dont want tummy aches. i dont want confusion. i want peace. i want relaxation. and i want action. lmfao. ok maybe not action, but it sounded like it would fit. ok maybe i do want action. its been a while. lmao! ahh, i'm pathetic.

alright so i am sitting here at 1:56 in the morning on a school night because now i am awake. i fell asleep early because my sleeping habits are pretty much fucked. haha. its nearing the end of the school year and my God i am ready for it to end. i hope i dont hate going to school next year. we're gonna be juniors guys. i am happy that this is all going by so nicely. ok scratch that, quickly. nothing about this year was good at all. i had a beautiful summer and thats probably why i had a shitty school year. lol its my own fault. for putting too much time and effort into someone who can't handle that. it angers me to have wasted my time, but i'm young... i do stupid shit sometimes. i love the fact that i have no regrets though because i really don't. everything i've done, i've done because i wanted to. i take the consequences that come along with my actions too. its a shame that you're mad at me and its a shame that we can't be friends, but unfortunately thats the only take i have on this situation because i can't care anymore. i've told you that you've won, i hope you're happy with that. goddamn it child, i just hope you're happy; eventually. on to bigger and better things, mom is making a doctor's appointment and i have to write down all the stuff i eat and don't eat and what time of the day i get my stomach aches and stuff. i work tonight and for that i am excited! jon will be there so i'm sure i will have a good time. =] i think we're becoming better friends and nothing more. i dont really want to get into something, but i do like where this is going. lol. i just love having good guy friends like jeff, marcelo, and joe. those boys are my life. =] along with my girls and everyone else who i love. tehe. other than that, life has been ok lately. i'm just trying to bounce back from everything. by everything i mean this stupid situation that was blown out of proportion and severly damaged me to the point where i can no longer care. its time to let go felicia, face the reality that the person you loved (hmm, in this case people.) aren't the people you thought they were. or they changed. but i thinks its the matter that they just arent the person they seem. they are fake. and i hate fake people.

Well well well. This morning I am refreshed and feeling well. Actually I do have this burning sensation (i honestly don't know how else to explain in) in my stomach.) I don't even know if it is a burning sensation per say, but I'd rather NOT put too much thought into the idea. Either way I need to go to the doctor and get it checked out. Too many stomach problems to count. Not to mention I eat like shit. When I have an appetite. Ahh! There was something I wanted to say, but now I lost it. Ooh. I had a weird dream, but I don't remember enough of it to make an entry soley about it. I hate when you can feel like you're having a dream, but you can't remember any specific part of it. I know it was about work. lol Vanessa was talking about how she had a dream about work. I've had about 50. Great stuff. Now I remember what I was going to talk about. The fact that I am way too tired these days. It is sad. I don't have the energy to do much of anything. I can barely get through the day. I need to finish my homework this morning because I seriously couldn't get myself to do it. Sad story, really. I was so determined, but once I got home... I was like ugh I don't have the power. lol Half of me is just lazy, half of me is purely worn out from all the bullshit lately. I'm glad because I feel a lot better now that I sent him a myspace message. I actually said how I felt and it was good because with him I couldn't do that. Almost like well if he can't say how he really feels to me, why should I do it? But I mustered up the courage and said exactly how I feel and exactly how he feels. LOL. I hate it because I have put way too much thought into the child. I could write a book on this whole situation, but I don't have the time! lmao. Umm, I guess I have been hurt too much by all of the stupid shit that you have said and done to care anymore. You say that you want nothing to do with me, but you're actions prove otherwise. You are confused, and scared, and mad. I have a clear mind now more than ever. There's nothing that I wish to do or not do. I know where I am going and I know that you aren't coming with me. I've faced the reality that we are not going to work because we were always on two different levels. I've come to learn that we don't have the ability to be friends anymore. I think it has a lot to do with your pride getting in the way of things. Oh and your constant need to run my life. But you're you and I can't change that. We just don't mesh anymore. I understand that now. Do you?

perfect mood, i must say. ahahahaha. sitdiary is back. i love it. i missed sit. on so many levels. October 6, 2004. my god, its coming up on 2 years this fall. i am so proud of myself. i love it because sit has been there through everything. when i thought it was over i wanted to copy all my entries and keep them. every single one of them. even the private ones. even the ones about how much i loved matt. even the ones about my dreams about past love. ahh, i love them. i read some of them and i think. this is wonderful. i love my life. i love everything that has happened. i love it lately too. its helping me grow guys! seriously. i want to tell so much, but just know that i am better. i am getting better. little by little. i've been through so much lately and i've learned a lot. wow. its been overwhelming to say the least. today was a decent day towards the end and now i have a bet going with whit that i can stay up all fucking night and get through my school day. omg. can i do it? CAN SHE DO IT?! lmao. this is so bad for me to be doing because i've been so fucking worn out lately. lmao. it reminds me of the good times in the summer. this summer should be good. ooo yeah, now gloria is playing. ONE TWO THREE FOUR COME ON BABY SaY YOU LOVE ME FIVE SIX SEVEN TIMES. lmao great. i will write more when i get done with my layout. word.

i won't be using names for the simple fact that these people already know who they are. i think that i am over this whole situation enough to talk about it. sitdiary has been there through everything and i think that this needs to be included in here. i read old entries and think "wow, i've gotten a hell of a lot more mature." this has been quite a learning experience, this thing i call life. lol according to some old entries.. this was a rocky relationship from the start. it's like trying to get blood from a turnip. lol but seriously. i had a hard time getting over him and that caused problems. you have a hard time opening up, or at least u did. that caused problems. we are two completely different people yet two completely similar people at the same time. it can be a pain in the ass, but in the same aspect i love it. i really didnt want to go to high school. it was such a hard concept for me to realize. that i had to move on from audubon and move on to bigger and better things. i am going to be a junior and i still miss middle school. now i am better than i used to be, but i know that i have the memories so it makes it all better. thats another thing i have realized. that i don't need material things in order to remember the best times i've ever had in my life. i have something called a brain (oh and selective memory lol) and that keeps all of my precious moments in there. sure pictures are great, random knick knacks, its all so great to have... but i dont need it. its just the person i am. i remember the best times and it helps me get through things better. but back to my point of this entry. when i left audubon and you went off to king, i was so devestated. i'd lost my angel. my guardian angel was off to another school... without me. ugh i felt like shit. i hated it so much. i was happy for you because i wanted you to do whatever made you happy, but i was so selfish. you were so great to me and you were always there and you had such a big heart... but yeah. i had the hardest time letting you go and that was more than evident. then it didnt even feel the same when we would talk and you wanted me to spill the beans about my life but i didnt think i could trust you because i could feel you and him getting so close and it all just went downhill from there. for what its worth i am sorry, but i think its better this way for now. you have things to work on and i do too. just remember i love you. i always will. as for you mister. i think that one day we'll be really good friends again. there has been so much drama, but its your style. hell its my style too. jealousy, anger, hurt, love, yeah its all there. you are so cute and you will always be my loser. =] you can be as much of a bitch as you want to, but it will never change the way i feel because i know that you only do what you do because you want whats best for me, for everyone. i love you too.

well well well. i take a look at my old entries and think "what the fuck?" it's crazy how things have changed. not even gonna lie. its straight up crazy. i want to go into detail because today would be the perfect day. i'm in therapy now. never thought Felicia Barrios would go and do that now did you? i have changed. its crazy. absolutely crazy. nuts as fuck actually. honestly i think i am different for the better. more mature than i ever thought i could be. bouncing back from the most horrible time in my life so far. i think i am getting on track. unlike my last entry, i think work is absolutely beautiful. coming up on 6 months and happier than ever there. i have met some of the best people there and honestly the managers are great. i love everyone there. i come to work and think "this is going to be fun." and it always is. school is school. i am doing decent. not my best, but the best i can do considering the circumstances. unfortunately this year shit has gotten to me. cried way too much. still have no regrets though. i have to work at three. =] good stuff. i have a project due on tuesday. this morning i woke up in a horrible mood. let's change that tonight. i will tell the whole story soon.

yes i am angry; work sucks. not so much the work itself because i think that will be pretty fun (i mean come on, who DOESN'T have fun at Chuck E. Cheese's?) but i hate coming home. on the bus. it takes me around 2 hours to get home. [ok an hour and a half] and i hate it. i had to fuckin run home because i had to pee and i didn't realize i had to pee until i got to the 14 bus stop. and there is nowhere i could've gone so i booked it home. and i felt like i was going to throwup about 14 different times. it was hell. hell hell hell hell hell. i hate it. simply HATE IT. so i came home and cried my eyes out due to the awful day i had. God. this sucks. but hey, it was my choice to get a job so i can't complain. lol. :( its not like anyone reads this fucking thing anyways. i just need to get this out. :( :( :(

I wait for the postman To bring me a letter And I wait for the good Lord To make me feel better And I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders Family in crisis that only grows older Why'd you have to go? Why'd you have to go? Why'd you have to go? Daughter to father Daughter to father I am broken, but I am hoping Daughter to father Daughter to father I am crying, a part of me's dying and these are These are the confessions Of a broken heart And I wear all your old clothes Your polo sweater I dream of another you One who would never, never Leave me alone To pick up the pieces Daddy to hold me That's what I needed So why'd you have to go? Why'd you have to go? Why'd you have to go? Daughter to father Daughter to father I don't know you, but I still want to Daughter to father Daughter to father Tell me the truth Did you ever love me? 'Cuz these are, these are, the confessions Of a broken heart Of a broken heart I love you I love you I love you I, I love you... Daughter to father Daughter to father I don't know you, but I still want to Daughter to father Daughter to father Tell me the truth Did you ever love me? Did you ever love me? These are The confessions Of a broken heart Oh.... yeah And I wait for the postman To bring me a letter. my new favorite song.

i'm a romantic. i romanticize; often. lol. new word. thank u nelsen for enlightening me. can u tell i had an iD test today? :P i think i did ok.. nothin special i guess. x-P but school is nothing special. lmao. ummmm... my presentation went well in mr. mac's class. i dont think we got the exemption for the test tho. oh well. i'll study uppppp. :) got a test for nelsen tomorrow. i'd like to head up to kohl's and get some stuff with my gift card and return my shirts. i think i'll do that tonight. since i forgot my math book. :P then i'll come back and study study study for nelsen's unit test. i think i have a good shot. we'll see. these days i haven't been so nervous about anything. i think my apathy has worn off the school year. it always does around this time. i think too much. bleh. but i'm done with that. :| lol umm i might go ice skating with my baby this saturday. oo wee, it would be so much fun. :D u`ll probably see pictures on my myspace once this weekend is over... http://www.myspace.com/felicia_rose_barrios. :D add me if u'd like. woot woot. :P

I feel better, but we'll see how the day goes. I did some talking and I want us to be done fighting. We just need to learn to negotiate and stuff. I try to be here and I love him, but it's hard to do. I love it tho. I love him. :) Now to my birthday that I didn't talk about. It was wonderful; perfect. I went to dad's in the morning and got my new cellular. I hate it, but a phone's a phone. I think once I get a job I will switch over to this plan thing for 30.00 a month. We'll see. :) We had cake and shit, then dad took us back home. Then I talked to my baby, and he said that he wanted to go see walk the line even tho he really didn't want to. lol, he wanted to go see chicken little. :) but i wanted to see if walk the line was worth buying, and it was. :) I had a wonderful time with him. MMM, i love him so much. just the way he is. ik that if we weren't together, i'd be a complete mess. i'm sorry for it all. but words are only words. :( I just love the way he holds me, and kisses me, and everything, i just love him. SO MUCH. I really do. but then the movie was over and even tho i wanted to stay with him forever, i had to go home and study for a test i got a c on anyways. lol. but yeah, what are ya gonna dO? try harder next time. lol. :) i just hope that today is a better day.

i hate it here. i don't like this place. at all. there is nothing more i can say. i try to get by day by day, but there are going to be times when i slip up, when i have a mediocre day and there is not one person that understands me. nope. u think u do, but ur life is nothing like mine. unfortunately, no one knows how i feel about everything. its like i have everything i want, but i'm just not happy. =[ ya kno? i bet u do. mm yep. school sucks. nothing more to that. i hate my classes, my teachers, everything about it. i hate the people who start drama, the people that don't. i hate all the people. i pretty much hate everything right now. mhmm... i wanted to change my layout, but yeah. it reflects how i feel about everything. everything in the world. there are subliminal messages.. lol. woo, reminds me of u.s. history. ugh, i hate that class too. lol, all history can kiss my ass. i have no interest in it. i have no interest in anything. see a pattern? so i was talking to a friend about someone and it felt good. =] it feels good to get things out that u need to. but i can only be so open with people. ya kno? i've lost my open-ness. it's hard to do these days. when i have to be so strong. secretly i have to be strong for everyone. me, him, her, you. lol that's how it feels. but no one gives a damn enough to even think that there is something wrong with felicia. and u know what? that's ok. i think that 16 years of being neglected on so many levels.. has taught me to be a stronger person. everyone thinks she has this wonderful life. BUT behind my smile are things u will NEVER EVER understand. kthnx.

alright-- so I feel like UTTER shit, these days. on oh so many levels. i feel like i have no incentive when it comes to anything; a very cavalier attitude on life. not that i want to end it, but i am in an idle stage in my life right now, where i simply could care less about anything. or maybe i do have my priorities mixed up, i am too unorganized. i am irresponsible, and i take complete blame. AHA. what else is new. i take the blame for everything. just like i take the blame for u all cheating. he would just catch me, and he WOULD make a big deal out of it. Jesus. and Nelsen doesn't even care. which is excellent. but hey, what are ya gonna do? 3 B's; 1 A this quarter. really mad about that. i feel ashamed typing that, but its not like anyone EVER reads my entries anyways, so whats the sense? lol. he's jealous, i'm jealous. jealousy is all around if u haven't noticed. i would like him all to myself. but unfortunately he has many girl friends so i need to deal with that. i call everyone hunny, and he is getting mad about it? he goes by his group of girls in business block and i occasionally get up and follow him and then he just leaves again. mmm.. how nice. i dont think he's doing it on purpose, but just because i dont show that i am jealous doesn't mean i'm not. idc who the girl is, i hate her if she talks to him, and if she touches her, it makes it even worse. he's busy on the weekends, so we don't get together too often, and during the week he is busy too, and i barely get to talk to him. or maybe thats just me being stupid and maybe i should be thankful that i get to see him everyday, i mean i am, but then again, its in class, and then he's got his friends and all that. where's my time? im still happy that i got to see him last thursday. =] good stuff. ahh well.. we'll see how the rest of this week goes. GYM CLASS iS FUN TH0! i did 80 sit ups. imma have one good lookin stomach if i keep this shiz up! =] and a healthier heart. hopefully around Christmas i will start doing pilates again if we can get that little box for the DVD player. but yeah, Christmas doesn't look too promising... ahhh... school sucks. with a capitol SUCKS. lmao. mom's birthday next week; i wonder if dad will give me any money to get her a gift-- BETTER YET; WiLL THEY GET ME ANYTHiNG THiS SUNDAY!? i doubt it; all i ask for is a cell phone and yet that is too much ask for.. well, what are ya gonne do? not getting any younger. ooo welll... this birthday might as well KiSS MY ASS! =] thas all for now. x3 FELiCiA