ahhh! i leave tomorrow to see my sister. although ive flew by myself over half of the times i have been on a plane, im freaking out about this one. im not sure why.../ i just have a weird feeling. We'll see i guess... but seriously, im so excited its not even funny! i think this will be the one year me and my sister dont aruge when we visit eachother... haha.. jase said he doesnt wnat me to leave though.. i dont know why since its not like id see him over the break or anything, but i guess its because i wont talk to him as much.. i don tknw? but i find it kinda cute.. i miss him, a lot.. more than i thought i could ever miss someone.. and now that i just say him, id ont feel lik i can get enough of him.. i hope we get to see eachother again soon, evne if its only for 2 seconds like last time.. aww... he is supposed to go to Knott's again with his friend's family, but he keeps telling me he doesnt really want to go because he'll "feel empty" since i wont be there.. im not sure if he will or will not go, but i still find it adorable... he really does love me, and its so great!!!! I FUCKING LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART! He's the greatest person that Ive ever met, and I want him to be here with me... well, i should get to bed... its 10:30 and the next 24 hours are going to be stressful... [[Since I wont write in here before I take my flight, I LOVE YOU ALL!! ....just in case anything happens]]

seriously... i dont know... i can feel the change... im happy for once... like, completely happy... its so nice... its kinda crazy though, i can see a change in him too... he told me he felt a change, and i believed it.. but now i saw it for myself.. he has been so happy.. he even calls just to tell me hello and that he loves me.. it's so adorable! anyway... im leaving in 5 days for VA... YIPPIE! it's going to be so much fun! i cant wait for it.. im really happy my life seems to be going great.. i mean, who would have guessed that i would see 2 of my favorite people all in the same 2 weeks?!? (Im talkin about Jase and my sis).. crazy huh? i better get going.. i have some chores to do and then i gotta do homework... XoXo

I cant even explain it.. at all.. it was just.. so....... so..... great. When I saw him, I swear my heart just stopped.. and when he looked at me in my eyes, it took my breath away.. We couldnt stop staring at eachother.. it was like time stopped for thet ime that i was with him.. we didnt have a care in the world when we were with eachother.. all that mattered was that we were together finally.. the feeling that i felt while i was with him was simply amazing. i felt as if i were the most beautiful person in the world.. i felt so secure.. when i locked my eyes with his i felt like nothing bad would happen to me right then.. i felt like he was looking deep in my soul, but i was okay with that.. i wasnt afraid even though im usually scared of people doing that.. i felt so at peace .. like i never have before.. he made me feel so comfortable with being ME.. the feeling that i had when we locked eyes was unexplainable.. but after that, i know that i knew im in love with him.. its just.. "wow".. hes the most amazing person.. we only spent about 20 minutes together, but that was okay.. if i were to have just seen him for a second it would have been okay.. i wouldn't have cared.. it was just the fact that i saw him that made me happy.. things are going great with us.. not exactly sure what our "title" is.. i dont think there has ever been one between us.. but now, i feel so at ease with everything.. im not on the defense about ericka anymore.. i feel like i have the upper hand now.. (not sure if I do or not, but that's what I feel).. i mean, i SAW it in his eyes.. i know he loves me now.. i woke up such a different person.. i dont know why.. [[obviously i cant explain a lot of things when it comes to this haha]] ive never felt so happy and content with my life.. i dont know.. he just, hes perfect for me.. and hes changed me for the better.. and im so thankful for that.. also when i woke up, and through out the day, ive felt like i should ahve seen him today too.. i miss him already.. i even missed him when i went to bed last night and i had just seen him a couple hours prior to that.. but thats the only thing thats a bumm.. otherwise, im happy off my ass :) i love this boy, so much.. i know ive said it before, and even though it was always true when I said it then, it means SO much more now that I recently saw him.. ahh... another thing... he's just been so sweet.. and its great, because hes telling me how he feels.. he kept telling me how beautiful i was.. and how amazing i looked.. and how happy i was making him.. and how hes so much more in love with me.. and when i gave him a hug goodbye, i wispered "i love you" in his ear.. and he actually said it back, with feeling in his words.. then he gave me a kiss on my cheek.. it was so hard letting go of him after that hug, i didnt want him to leave.. i wanted to just stay in his arms forever, and ever.. he made me feel so GREAT.. for the record, im going to marry this boy and have his kids.. no joke.. lol..

Sorry it's taken so long to respond... Arika said I needed to so now I am :) Umm... not much is new. Nothing is ever really new during the school year besides the fact that I get less and less sleep as the weeks go by... Jason is amazing... I hopefully get to see him on Friday. Im happy... =D Umm.. Im leaving for VA in a couple days... well, next friday. I cant wait for that either. Its going to be fun! I havent seen my sister in over a year, so this hsould be mucho fun-o! Im going to see my cousin Jr. too!!! Alright...i gotta get started on my hw. just thought Id drop a line or two. XoXo

theres kind of a lot going on right now... or at least it seems that way. school is going ok. its really difficult for me since I have the majority of my classes being core classes. its not that the classes themselves are difficult, but i just have a lot of homework each night... about 2-3 hours of it. its been really hard even these past two weeks with trying to juggle work. so ive decided to quit my job. its not that i dont want to work anymore, i would just rather focus on my education. i know im a nerd 8) and i guess you could say the money isnt really worth the struggle. its my junior year, i need to do well. my braces have been a bitch. the surgery hurt my jaw so bad, but the tightening of my braces hurt just as bad but the pain is now in my teeth. when she tightened them, i felt like i wanted to cry it hurt so bad [[if you know me, I dont cry over hurt of physical pain too often. i can suck it up]] I took a vicodin but it still didnt help. Hmm?? it got so bad that i my jaw was paralized with pain when I woke up (both for a couple days after my surgery up to the day after tightening them). as of right now, i get my braces tightened in 2 weeks, but after that tightening, it's only 9 days. Shiiiit!! lol.. everything with family is going great... kinda. im just really sad because my brother is moving out on the 20th. It will be nice to have my own room and have new furniture and matress to sleep on, but I would rather still share a room and have my brother live in the same house as i. i really am going to miss him... =( i get to go to the fair on sunday with my pops. im looking forward to spending time with him! it should be fun! (even though im really disappointed in the person i could have seen there... but that's ok. i need to get over it) I need to go to sleep. its 11pm and Im exhausted. ill update with other things later on.. night! ♥

So let me update real fast... School is going ok. I never was amped up for it or anything, but it was really good seeing everyone again. I dont think my classes are going to be that hard either, so that's always a plus. (Maybe with the exception of Trig/PreCal) I got my braces on yesterday. They hurt like a bitch. Well, the actual brackets makde my teeth sore, but the part that hurts is my jaw from the surgery (that took 2 1/2 hours haha). I have about 5 stitches on my lower jaw/gum. (I DONT HAVE A BUTTCHIN RIGHT NOW THOUGH CUZ MY CHIN IS SWOLLEN! YAY!) Ive been taking my medications, and its helping out a lot. I cant imagine the pain if I didnt have those damn pills lol. Umm.. lets see, everything else in my life is going really really well. You know, I thought being JUST friends with Jason would suck, but it doesn't. We both have agreed that its better, we're closer that way. :) I better go, I need to grab something to eat (or should I say drink) before I go get ready to go to school.

Wow, summer went by so fast and I didnt do much besides work. Im glad I had fun this past week with my cousins though, it was a nice end to a boring summer. [[Hey Jase, we got through another summer and you havent gotten sick of me yet! lol] So Ive decided Im not going to do honors US History. I lagged way too much and I cant get my summer work done. I feel so stupid for not going through with it... Im completely disappointed in myself. I guess Ill just do honors my senior year, and that's all. Hmm what else is new. ...I dont know, I cant really think. I just keep thinking of Jase. So Ima go now, but ya, Ill probably write after school starts. I cant wait to see you nucc!!!

After work, I get to go to my dads.. after that, we're going to spend the night at his gf's house in [somewhere down south, not exactly sure what city] so he can get some sleep before we drive tomorrow. Because tomorrow, he's going to drop me off at Disneyland and I get to spend time with my cousins!!!! Im really bummed he's not going, but I understand because he has no money... I would have payed for him, but I know he wouldnt let me. It would have been a great time, but... maybe another time, y'know? I just got done packing and everything, and I just want to go NOW.. I dont want to go to WORK before.. Grrrrr... lol. So umm... I love you Arika! And I miss you! And I cant wait for school to start so I can see you!!! And I miss Jason too... :(

The fair sucks this year... I went tonight wtih my coworker Cynthia (aka my 'sister'). It was a fun spending time with her, but i dunno, Im sick right now so I didnt go on rides, and there wasn't that many of my friends there. I did run into a couple people, so it was nice (MJ, Cory, Victor, ROSA!) Umm... What else is new? -My bro turned 18 (Its crazy, time flies) -Im getting a car in about 6-7 weeks... And just to make it quick, my brother is getting a car from his boss (a new mustang) just until he gets his corvette ordered (a new 2005 one) then his boss is going to give me the mustang once the corvette comes in. :) -Im going to Virginia in October to see my sister and my cousins -Im going to Disneyland and Universal starting Monday! I cant wait to see my cousins -I really really miss Jason, and it's getting pretty bad. -Im really really dehydrated, Ive drinken 6 bottles of water today and urinated 2 times... Cant think of any more to write, besides I feel really sick again. = I need to throw up but I cant. Ughhhhhhhhhhh Ima go lay down. And Jase, let me know if you read this... so I can kinda have some contact with you. Missing you like crazy...

Rough day. Very rough day. Which is the reason why I cant sleep. Its just past 3am, and I havent been awake this late in forever. I have a lot running through my mind right now. So much that it's hard to seperate it all and comprehend it. I know what it has to deal with, but I dunno why Im letting it get to me. Actually, I know why it is getting to me- I just cant help it. There are those people in life, where once you sit back and look you realize that they mean so much to you. And once they leave, its hard to deal with it... especially when you know you could have always counted on them before. Sure I fucked up, a lot, and probably was the final reason why they got up and left, but whether it was my fault or theirs, it's hard to work wth. Even if it was on them in the end, I dont think I could have a slight bit of anger towards them. Although I do get upset at times, they have done nothing but good for me. I appreciate it, so much, but I just didnt want it all to end... I know Im still young and I have so much ahead of me, but it's going to be hard to forget the First Love. Ill be honest, theres a part of me that wishes I could forget this whole thing, but I know I wont. He made too much of an impact on my life to forget... Y'know Jase, I understand that it's basically nothing when I cant be with you physically... when Im not there for you to hold, or to touch... because I was thinking that too, I was taking that hard, but you gotta believe me when I say just hearing your voice was good enough for me, and that I miss you whenever we don't talk. There were pleantly of times where it was you who was the only one who made me truley smile during the day. I mean, shit, just thoughts of you would end up making my day. And you are the only one who has made me cry from being so happy... because you in my life in any sort of way was simply the best, feeling loved from you the way that you did love me was just amazing. In a weird way, you made me feel like I was ontop of the world, that nothing could touch me, that I was completely safe. And there was not a day that I didnt think you didn't love me... and I trust that those last words you said to me are true to this minute. I love you baby, I always will... Just dont forget me, please. "If you could see me now, if you could look into my eyes you would know that Im enternally yours You would then realize I shall never love another My heart beats only for you Each beat echoing my everlasting love In all I say and do If two souls were to ever be as one 'Tis your soul and 'tis mine If forever is everlasting then so is this love of mine I know not of nevermore For what I feel is true It is desire, passion, and tenderness 'Tis everlasting for you" ...Remember that baby, just remember...

Fuck you if you dont believe that I miss you more than anything... even my damn family. Fuck you if you dont believe that I love you. Fuck you if you dont believe that I need you. Fuck you if you dont believe that I want to do this whole relationship thing. Fuck you if you want to leave. I just dont know what else to say to you besides fuck you, because you know what youre doing every time you say say bye.

I woke up to everyone being restless around the house, constantly checking up on if they have everything for the trip. They are all going to the lake, which is something I was looking forward to all summer... but unfortunately, I cant go because of work. Last year was so much fun, especially since I have a new found love of wakeboarding. I guess its going to be awhile before I do that again though. Im basically going to be home alone with my brother for the next week. Its going to be lonely, I think. Mom got a house sitter, so she'll be here, but I have no idea who she is so it's not like there's someone I can chill with (Of course Ill be hanging out with my bro, but he works so much... and I actually do too) I guess this gives me the time do some homework though, so hopefully by the end of the week I will have it done. The end of the week will be the telling point of whether or not it's actually ging to get done... because after that, Im so busy. ------------------------------------------- Well, looks like my brother is moving out in Sept. because of my step dad. I dont want him to go... now Im going to be stuck with my moms husband all by myself. It will be good for my brother though, he will have some peace and quiet. I guess he's going to move to Cam into some apartments there... Im jealous lol. Ill be living in Cam next year though, so it'll be alright. I just feel bad, because my bro is leaving my mom... and then I might be leaving her too. My bro and I Just cant stand the person she married, and its nothing against her... I love my mom, so much, but... yea....

So I have a few things to say... but this is directed toward only one person. And I have a feeling you know who you are. If your friend, Anthony, wrote that last comment on your myspace about me, then screw you. I already apologized for making you feel the way you felt, and if it were up to me, I wouldnt have had you fall for me. Its not my fault that I cant feel the same way as you... I AM absolutely in love with someone else. I dont mean to be a bitch, but there's no other way I can put this... Go and live your life. With that said, let this be the absoulte last entry of my dairy that you read (by the way, I dont know how you got this in the first place, there is no way in hell I would have given it to you). Good luck in life, I wish you the best with soccer, but leave me out of your life ok? And try your best to just forget me. Thanks.

Im offically scared shitless. This past month almost, Ive been going to the orthodontist and getting consulted for getting braces. I had gotten my Xrays about 2 weeks ago, and then today I had another appointment to go over the Xrays with my doc. Things went well, and we offically decided on me getting the accelerated version of braces, where its done surgically and only take, at max, 6 months so I can have them off for senior pictures. (I dont think it's going to take 6 months, I think my top teeth are only going to be about 2 months since the two front teeth need to be fixed only.) Anyway, at the end of my appointment today, we set the appointment for me having my Pre-op, where they give me all my medications and go over the surgery fully, and also for the actual surgery date, where I get the surgery (duh). Im actually kinda scared. Ive never gotten any type of surgery, ever. What they are going to do is basically trick my teeth into thinking they are broken by loosening the tissue in my gums, so all the Calcium will be drained out of the teeth by my own body, and then that's when they shift my teeth. Once things are in place, the Calcium will be brought back into my teeth, naturally as it was taken out. Through the surgery and everything, Im gunna need a day of "rest" (even though Ill still probably go to work) and I might have brusing around my mouth (hahaha... no dirty minds there, please... Especially you Arika, and you cant make fun of me either! Lol) and some swelling too. It shouldnt be that bad though, he was just saying since I hvae really soft skin, that it might be delicate enough to actually bruise it, y'know? I guess in a way Im excited. But can you even picture me with braces? Lol. My sister started calling me brace-face yesterday, and I dont even have them on.... So ya, Im having my pre-op the day after I get back from Disneyland, so the 18th. Then my surgery on the 25th, a Thrus.. Even though it will be the first week of school, I might miss that Friday if Im not up the par and if my mouth still hurts really bad. I have a feeling Ill probably just suck it up, and go to school... I dont want to screw up and miss a shitload of stuff in the first week y'know? But that was the only time that we could get an appointment, because my mom is going to be busy with school the following week. Speaking of school, I cant believe summer is already almost over :sigh: (Lol I am sitll on page 31 in that book I have to read. I SERIOUSLY better get on it) BUt the good news about going back to school is that I get to see my Nuc, right? ;) Cuz I miss my girl :)

Ever since I got back from SF I have been so down. I really miss my cousins so much, and it doesnt help when they say they miss me too. (I dont mean I dont want them to miss me, I just mean that it sucks because all of us wanted to spend more time together but we couldnt) Ive talked to AJ and Jr. at least once everyday... usually more than that though. Jr and I were looking back on pics, and I just wanted to cry... Over two days, there were so many great memories. This is how he put it: "In 2 short days... A family is reunited... A marriage takes place... Cousin antagonism is mended... And I meet up with a cousin very dear to me after 8 long years... Simply Beautiful...Truly Blessed." I couldnt have said it any better. While him and I were talking last night, we were talking about how different is between that side of the family, and my side of the family... and how I feel so much more comfortable with his side of the family. Its not that I dont love my side of the family, I absolutely do with no doubt, but it is very hard because my side doesnt even really like my father. Go figure, my family somewhat takes it out on me. And another thing, my family also likes to cover things up, make things seem ok when they arent. But with the Nor. Cal side of the family, they are completely open. Everything is always put on the table with no trouble.... and they love my dad. The way I see it is, Im going to stick with behind my dad no matter what. Y'know, its like, they WANT me to spend time with them. Jr was saying how two of my cousins were talking about Disneyland, and how they are going to rearrange everything so I will be able to go. I mean, do you know how much I appreciate that? And how thankful I am to be close to that side of the family? It makes my heart melt to know that Im truely cared for, and not just cared for because Im a family member (if that makes sense). But... Ya... I really cant wait for Disneyland! We're going there one day, then going to stay in a hotel and go to Universal the next. I get to see two of my little girls, and the rest of my cousins. AWWWW!!!!! Anyway... Here are some pics All the guys :) (-top- Chris, my pops, Romy, Raymond -bottom- Randy, Jr!, AJ) Charlize! Shes my baby from up there :) Rina and Gellie (nicknames, of course) Jr. and I being tarded. Good times, good times On the way to the reception.. We're safe, we wear our seatbelts! Lol Me and alize, she looks mad but she was just striking poses left and right lol Jr. and I again, I love this pic Me and my Auntie Ann Jr. dancing with the little girls Charlize being funny again (I caught him so many times with the camera when he wasnt paying attention) Gellie!

Wow, this weekend was so much fun! I cant believe it was over so fast though. I wanted to stay so bad, but I just couldn't. Alright, so the drive there was 6 hours. It sucked, because I was dead tired and had gotten an hour of sleep before, but my pops wanted me to stay up and keep him awake. At times though, it was fun. We were making fun of people in those really really small towns that look deserted. We kept saying that was the perfect spot to shoot the movie Jason or osmething haha. [[Just had to be there]] When we got there, it was around 9am, and I was about to shit my pants because I was so excited. I wasnt even tierd anymore, I just wanted to get up to the house and see everyone. Everyone, besides the little girls and the brides maids were at my grandparents house. I guess the girls were getting ready at my aunts house, because the wedding was that day. I walk up the stairs, and I see my Auntie Ludy who I hadn't even remembered. Then I saw my grandma, and grandpa. THey all kept screaming and saying how 'beautiful' i was. It was pretty funny... I hate being on the spot. So then someone comes out of the bathroom, and all I hear is "Holy Fucking Shit". I turn around and it's my cousin from VA, the one Im so close to. I ran over, gave him a hug. wow he has changed so much... But then again so have I. After seeing everyone at my grandmas, my pops, 2 cousins, and I went to get food for the girls getting ready. I was all wired up since I was so excited to see everyone, and I was getting on my pops' nerves, It was hilarious. So we go to my aunts house to drop off the food. I think the funniest thing was when i walked in and my auntie Tess (it was her house everyone was getting ready at)looked at me and gave me a "Wtf who are you" look because she didnt recognize me. Then she stopped dead in her tracts, and screamed (we have a loud family lol). Then everyone raided me and my pops. BUt yall should have seen her face haha. All the little girls I didnt even know. I hadn't seen them, since they werent even born the last time I had been there. They opened up to me though, and by the end of the first day was letting me play with them. They are the cutest things in the world... and so sweet. I think it was really funny though, because they didn't know I was their cousin, and I was always with my cousins AJ and Junior, that they thought we all liked eachother. Haha... :shakes head: little kids The wedding was great. It was really emotional, and my cousin Jen looked gorgeous. It was an intimate wedding, with only about 40-50 people there, but I think thats the best way to go. I saw some more of my cousins who I haven't seen in years, and yet again they didnt recognize me. Everyone kept saying "HOLY SHIT! I HAVENT SEEN YOU SINCE YOU WERE THIS TALL!" It was cool though, I really missed everyone. At the reception, all of us were dancing and having fun. I spent my whole time with my two cousins, AJ and Junior, as always. [[They really are the closest people to me from that side of the family]] People thought that I would be hanging out with Junior's sister, Rachel since she's the same age as me, but it didn't happen. I love her to death, but... Im just not close to her anymore. The reception was beautiful, it was in South SF on a small bay with boats, it was kinda breezy, but clear skies. It was so great to see how the two families (my cousin and her new hubbys families) got along so well. It basically was a new beginning then, because two of my cousins who have been fighting settled their differences and made up, and then my cousin Jen is starting a new life. What could have been better, huh? :) My cousin Junior is 22. I was expecting him to drink and get shitfaced like all the other people who were of age. But he didn't, and that made me feel really good. He said that he wanted to just have AJ, him and I have a bonding night type thing. And that's what we did. After the reception, him, AJ and I watched a movie in the aparment and just talked. It was cool though, really cool, because my cousin Raymond came over right when we woke up so he could sit and talk with us. Then my dad came out of his room, and was talking with us too. I guess it was just one of those times where its like "No matter how long you're apart, you know things will go right where they left off". All of us cousins really came together. Actually, the whole family came together. It was a beauitful thing. I was sad the whole time yesterday because I knew it was my last day, but I think I hid it well enough. After everyone had gotten up and eaten (everyone either lives at my grandmas, or nearby, so they all go over there in the morning) we all went up a little north to go to one of the little cousins bday parties. It was really nice, we all just sat and ate. We made fun of all the bridemaid's speaches, but I wont write what we made fun of because that would take up even more time to write. My pops wanted to leave SF at 12, but he said we could leave at 2 so we were able to go to the party for about an hour. ...We ended up leaving at 5 haha. Im really happy though, because the little girls were about to cry when I said I wasn't sure if I could go or not... :( I heard my pops getting directions from my uncle on how to get back on the freeway and I just got completely quiet. I didnt want to leave, I honestly didn't. Soon enough, he was up and giving everyone hugs. Of course my pops just came over and told me to start saying by. Surprisingly, I started choking up. It was kinda weird, I didn't think that was going to happen. I said by to the first person, my cousin Jen, and when she said "I love you" my eyes started tearing up and I couldnt really say it back. I tried to hide that i was tearing, but when I turned around to give AJ a hug, he was just like "OMG, Cass!" and everyone knew. It was just hard, because I know I might not see Junior in a while... maybe even years again. Hes the closest family member to me besides my sister, and the weekend just went by way too fast. I sucked it up and said by to everyone, then Junior was going to walk me outside to the car so he could talk to me, but I just started crying on his shoulder. I later found out that he was crying too HAhahaha. He hid it well though, so that's cool. Anyway, saying goodbye just sucked. Simple as that. I miss everyone so much already, especially Junior. Hes that cousin that I can count on whenever I need him. I know he's just a phone call away, but this weekend was so much fun. The ride home was pretty shitty in the beginning. I was still crying, and it was made worse because AJ and JR texted me with "I miss you already" type stuff. It was sweet though< i couldn't ask for a better family. Hehe, on a funny note, my Auntie's kept asking me to stay for a week. Like, literally to the point of begging. It was pretty hilarious... I love them all. They are great people. And I would have stayed a week if I could. I get to see some of them in two weeks when we go to Disneyland, and Im already excited. When I get a car, I promised them I would go up there since I already know how to get there. ((I think I was basically the one driving there and back, not my pops, because he's so bad with directions)) And then my aunt and uncle from VA kept telling me to visit before summer ends. I said I couldn't because thats in about 3 weeks, but since my sister is moving over there, I think Im going to visit with them too. I had a great weekend, and Im glad I have such an amazing family. They are all great people, and I love them so much. Its kinda pathetic that I miss them already, but eh, oh well :) Ill stop boring yall now. But just wnated to say that I had a fantastic time, and that all my toubles, for now, are away since Im still so happy this weekend even happened. Ps. I was in a SUPER excited/happy mood at the reception, because Jase had called. He really lightened everything up even more, and it was great. Even after a year and a half of talking to him, he can still put a smile on my face and put butterflies in the stomach when I talk to him. :) I LOVEEEE HIM!

Today was good. I didnt have to deal with stupid fucks at work for that long, and for some reason I feel like I have fallen deeper in love with Jase. Dont ask me why, because we havent talked all that much lately, but I have. :) Oh boy that makes me happy. Anyway. Im really excited. Im leaving tonight for SF. Well, I guess I should say Im leaving tomorrow morning? I dont know. I cant wait to leave. I better get packing though. XoXo. Love you nuc

My mom is pissing me off. The intent of me getting a job was to get out of the house, and to have my own money to spend since my mom doesnt give me any. Then it turns into "you need to save all your money, if not, you have to pay for all your bills" So I ask her, "Can i take out some money, like, $20" and her response is "...Yea I guess, but the whole reason was for you to save your money otherwise youre paying for your cell phone and car insurance. I am giving oyu a killer deal with you not having to pay for that." Fuck this. Im not even 18 and she's going to make me pay for my own shit. She gives my brother so much money, hundreds at times, and she knows he isnt going to pay her back. Its the same exact thing, but of course my bro gets slack. BUt he IS 18. I dont get it. Everyone always makes things so much harder on me than everyone else in the family. This is exactly why I want to move with my pops. This is exactly why Im going to jump on the chance to. He is a parent. My mom is just putting a roof over my head. I can go to a friends house and they will do the same exact thing. Sometimes I wonder why I put up such a big front about liking my mom as much as I claim I do. I know I hvae it good, and it's not that Im a greedy bitch and just want more, but FUCK. Because of her, I start to give up on everything that I do. Everything that I do, I get nothing in return when it comes down to it. I get great grades, I do everything right when it comes to her asking me to do something, I dont get in trouble and yet I have to fend for myself with everything but a house (which is a given in any family, mostly). I even buy my own damn food usually. I just dont get it... I know life isnt fair, and that life can be a total bitch, but in the family, its just with me. Im going to go look for cell phone plans. Ill write after SF.

Ok the fucker just erased a long ass entry I wrote and now Im mad lol. I guess ILl just sum everything up though... -Im so tired. I have worked about 20 hours in the last 48 hours. And then I have to work the morning shift tomorrow, again. And it's going to be a long drive to SF satruday night. -My pops is becoming what he has always wnated to be, a successful man. And Im so proud of him. He's one of the people I love spending time with, and it could never get old. We dont fight, we dont bicker, and we're understanding of eachother... what more can anyone ask for in a dad? -Its 9:05 and I should get to sleep. -Ps. Jase, if you read this, I LOVE YOU HONEY

2 more days until I get to go to SF for the wedding. Im so excited, you have no idea. I wish I could stay longer than just two days, but I understand my pops has to work. Its going to be so much fun :) Then in about 2 more weeks, I will be able to see a few of them again because we're all going to Disneyland. YAYYYYYYY! Alright, so Ive been really happy these past two days. (Go figure about why, I know you know Arika Haha) AHhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! :) I LOVE HIM SO MUCH! And its nice, because people are being happy for me this time. I havent ever let people in the way of my feelings for him, because honestly, I know it just comes down to me and him. My mind is racing so fast that I cant really write things in a logical, coherent way so ILl just write later Haha.