I haven't been here in a long time. I love how Scott keeps saving Sitdiary. I remember leaving to use Blogger & Wordpress, but feeling pretty damn nostalgic so I tried to do light entries here. The domain was down because he was having difficulties with... something? Maybe I got that last part entirely skewed. All I know is that here we are. Phew. Still here. Remember when the url was diaries.suchisthis? For the last 10 minutes I've been going back in my entries and reminiscing all of my "art", thoughts, wants, fuck ups, and relationships. Funny story, that friend I used to mention here and there (Cory), we got married in 2012. Yeah, dreams do come true! lolz. It's weird and magical how things work out. I see that I talked about smoking a lot previously. I "quit" smoking weed around a year/two ago. The last time I smoked I had a panic attack in the bathroom at work that morning. I've been going through a lot of things mentally for the past 5 years or so. It wasn't my first panic attack, but it the was the first in a long time. Started to get depressed. I remember going home and calling up my drug dealer J.R.(who you can never call your friend) and practically begging him to sell me something- a fucking joint at least, maybe not my usual ounce. I had previously talked to him about how I got back with my ex and we fell in love, got married. I told him how Cory didn't smoke so I told myself I would quit smoking. Get this: after I got off work and called J.R. he started a moral tirade of how you need to stay truthful to your spouse. True. I couldn't deny that, but I still asked, " A joint dude. A fucking joint. How are you going to have morals as a fucking drug dealer?" So the drug dealer with morals dropped his ethical act for a few minutes to meet with me. When I got the joint back to my place I went into the kitchen and opened the window. I'm 5' and the kitchen windows started around 5'5" so I had to climb on a step stool to unlatch them. So there I am on a fucking stool lighting my last joint. We got to this point because of a panic attack, I kept telling myself. I propped one elbow on the window sill and my hand under my chin. I probably looked like a sad miserable fuck, but the smoke trails were calming. At that time in my life, weed was a "therapy" of sorts. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed every last pull. When Cory got home I told him what I had done. You know what? He was ok with it. The house I just mentioned was part of historical downtown right smack in the heart of the city. It was the lowest rent I have ever paid. It was built in 1890 as a duplex. So when you walk in using the glass front door you're in the foyer and door 1 is to the left and door 2 is at the right side. (Side note: I bought pizza one time and when the delivery guy came he kept looking at the other door and finally said, "I keep expecting someone to pop out of this door.") When you enter our side of the house you're in the living room. You go through another door to the right and that's the bedroom. Go through a door and there is the kitchen. Go through a door and there is the bathroom... at the end of everything. For someone to use the restroom they had to go through our bedroom and kitchen. I loved it. In older homes they are built with such character. High ceilings and so many windows to let natural light in. Right now we are renting a townhome twice the size of that downtown home. It's closer to Cory's job. We're saving up for a home right now. I'm trying to get a 20% downpayment and do the logical things. I have a few friends who bought homes in the past 2 years and have put anywhere from 5-10%. There is a running joke in my circle of friends saying that when it comes time to buy, we will probably be able to buy it in cash. Fuck me, right? And there's another thing happening right now- lots of people getting pregnant. For some, baby #2 is coming around. For me, I have 2 cats. Ha. My sister just had a baby boy in May. I was equally thrilled and scared holding him as he was just 5 days old when I was able to visit them. Cory doesn't want children. I don't need children. I'm pretty complacent right now with my life. I started seeing a therapist a year ago. Shit really helps like they said it does. See, the hardest part about therapy is the very first fucking step: getting up and actually going. I had to make that effort myself. Cory suggested I see one years ago although he never pressured me. I eventually bucked up and did it. I have anxiety and depression. I don't know if the fucked up part is actually hearing what's "wrong" with you finally after years of wondering or... hoping that you were wrong. Guess what? Intuition is a bitch. We started with therapy first. I told myself I never wanted to take medication. So 9 months into therapy I felt like I couldn't make myself change. I still had thoughts that I felt like I shouldn't/didn't want to be having. I felt like I was trying so hard and yet I still couldn't feel "normal." My doctor prescribed 10mg of Lexapro in early September of last year. I struggled with the fact that I had to take meds to be a functioning human being. By early December I was taking 15mg. In January of this year I started taking 20mg. Then in the beginning of March I asked to go back down to 10mg gradually. My sister had a baby in May so I had to buy tickets to go up north for 8 days... Our flight was at 6am that morning so we got up at 3:30am. I usually try to take my meds anywhere from 7:00-8:00am. Guess who forgot to take them at 7 in the haze of rushing to the airport? Yeah. FML. No big deal, I told myself. (See? Behavioral cognitive therapy was working. Don't panic.) We were to arrive at our layover in DC by 8. Once we got there I searched through my carry-on luggage semi-frantically. I couldn't find my fucking pills anywhere. Yeah. FML again. For the first time in over half a year I would not be taking medication continuously. 8 days. 8 days in a row. That's 1 day over a week. I mentally braced myself knowing that when I went from 20 to 10mg it wasn't that bad although it was still a struggle. Then again, it was a gradual progression. This was going to be a week of fucking nothing. The struggle was so real. The crazy part was that when we got back from vacation I didn't feel like calling my doctor or therapist. I had been wanting to get off of meds in March, but knew it had to be a slow ordeal. I've pretty much stopped taking Lexapro now. It's been 5 weeks since that incident. At first I found it hard to fall asleep, but I'm back to feeling slightly normal again. I haven't told Cory that I stopped taking my meds. I felt like I was only showing withdrawal symptoms for the first 2 weeks. I can't imagine going from 20mg to nothing. Anyway, I'm still seeing my therapist every now and then. I can't commit to a weekly schedule. I try to go every 2 weeks now. It's something. Ugh. I love how diaries evoke the most drama shit in your life. Other than obviously grown up shit, everything is going great. Seriously. Til next time... next month... or year.

i've started wearing eyeliner on my top lid only instead of on the bottom. i'm not sure which one i prefer yet. blah, nothing really much to say. i finished all of my x-mas shopping two weeks ago and they're all wrapped and under the tree. everyone keeps asking me what i want, but i can't think of anything. this is usually how it is anyway. i know exactly what i want to get people, but i don't want them to get me anything. i would like a bunch of brian lichtenberg shirts. check out that fucking gizmo skirt! it's nuts, but i would salute anyone who has the guts to walk out on the street with that. everything is unisexy. i don't really like his dresses, though. oh, and i like the autosave and editing tools now. everytime i leave sitdiary for a few months and come back something has changed. that's a good thing! : )

i haven't been here since may. i finally found a leather jacket! i'm not going to say how much it cost me, though ;/ i don't totally look like i belong in the bad part of the 80s or in a biker gang, right?! i thought it would look good mixed with dresses & skirts. especially those with floral prints. i get super excited around halloween because although it's not my favorite holiday, it sure is fun. i am going to a party where costumes are required. my first idea was to copy my sister's costume from last year as gogo yubari from kill bill, but i didn't want to wear a skirt. then i wanted to be dora the explorer, but i didn't want to wear shorts. it's fucking cold over here now. i have decided to be a girl from the 70s. not exciting and definitely not original, but it gets the job done and i get to wear layers. i bought this crazy faux fur vest from uo where i am going to wear a paisley button up underneath. headband, feather necklace, and heart shaped sunglasses also went into my shopping cart. i don't really feel like wearing bellbottoms because i think they look gross. we'll see.

what's wrong with this picture? and it's not that the shoe to the far right, a size US 7, looks huge because, well, it does. the other ones are mostly 6. these are the only sandals i own! i haven't been drunk or high in a while. the last time i smoked a bowl was a week, possibly two ago. you know, a while! the opportunity to get wasted arose last night, but i felt sick so i crawled in bed and had the shivers while feeling extremely hot. i woke up with a knot in my neck. i suppose i would rather have limited mobility in my neck (it is tense/sore) than feel like i have the flu.

who doesn't love pockets?! this is a top, i believe, but i wear it as a dress because i am short. asflk 44k0 efrelr3 tkrgp i0345 a'sfq4tq /etkq g i5' /l]545opdvioer 04'l/.

i don't know how long i can keep writing in here. i have another blog on a different, bigger server. by no means do i update that one more often or anything, but i think it's time to visit here less and less. i will probably update once or twice a month as i have tried to quit writing before but have always returned full of nostalgia. not that anyone reads this or gives a fuck ;) but for anyone whoever read my diary or gave a fuck then, well, see you around. xoxo

some month some day some year some time to-do-list for the week some in order, some not in order: 1) get high 2) find james 3) watch wavves 4) stuff. 5) get high 6) buy photo frames 7) stuff. but the most important thing on the the list is watching wavves perform. i am trying to persuade myself that it's going to be the best night of 2009 so far. fingers crossed. fingers crossed. fingers crossed. i've heard that his shows are terrible. well, a friend of mine has heard. so really i've only heard from a friend who's heard from the internet. in other words, real fucking reliable! not. i'm so bored.

march 10th 2009 tuesday 2:10 pm it's already march! last night i ate more indian food with my friend cory. i think i've gone to this place at least four times in the last two or three weeks. i decided on getting my dish hot this time around instead of medium. like i said before, the medium was barely mild to me. anyway, this time the hot was hot. it was good. what i got (pasanda): we sat traditional seating and i wanted to fall asleep on all the pillows. i even took my sandals off. i'm not sure if you're allowed to do that, though.

february 25th 2009 wednesday 10:42 am so, i know i'm terribly late on this, but i have been listening to menomena for the past two days. everyone else probably doesn't like them anymore, but i do and i must reiterate to myself: "why has it taken me this long?!" my first perceptions of this band were way off on what they actually sound like. that, or maybe i heard one song and classified them based on that. funny how one song can do that. people listen to "my girls" and probably think the rest of the album is going to be great. i mean, it is, but it's not that great. i guess that's why they're chosen as singles. i just purchased some brown ankle boots that look strikingly similar to this pair: except mine are made of a light suede material. they have a cute houndstooth (of black white red cream and golden yellow) lining on the inside. i'm pretty sure the sole is bound leather so they are pretty sturdy. they're made in spain, size 6.5, and have brown laces. these kind of shoes are really hip with people who... probably like menomena. ha! i'm just sounding like a jerk now, but, yes, they are hip. i think they're the perfect mixture of cute and ugly. it's like something you'd find in your mother's closet leftover from the 80s. i got my oil changed. waiting is the hardest part for me. i guess i am a naturally antsy person although i don't mind waiting in lines or places if a friend is with me. speaking of friends, i went to eat indian food with my friend jessica. she brought her boyfriend and he brought two other guys. of course, before i leave to go eat out with "her" she texts me and says "he's bringing a friend ;)". blah. at first i thought she was trying to set me up with said friend so i decided to bring my friend cory with me. it turns out that her boyfriend brought two other guy friends and they were both taken. so the night was pretty pleasant although they were all in the army so that's pretty much what their conversations were about. i don't blame them because that is a major part of their life. anyway, i was pretty quiet for the most part because i didn't know what to say in response to what they were talking about, but cory had some pretty good input to the conversation so it wasn't that awkward on our end. i mean, it was awkward because i'm sitting there like, what the fuck. i hate the army. i don't want to talk about the army. but other than that the naan was good and my food was really good. you can choose to make your dish mild medium or hot. i didn't want to get something overly spicy so i got mine medium. mistake! the medium at this place doesn't even taste like it can be called mild. there was no spice. i hate that about some indian restaurants here in america. i guess i'm just used to spicy things. i'm going to a show this friday. i'm pretty sure the bands are going to be terrible (because i am a pretentious jerk. just kidding... kind of) but i get to hang out with a few of my friends so it'll be worth it. it should be good. they also invited me to an event on saturday night that benefits refugees of sudan- relating to the darfur conflict. i think it's held in an art gallery, but there will be music there as well. i'm going to be more lenient on the music there because it does benefit a good cause. i'm not that big of a jerk.

february 18th 2009 wednesday 10:51 am mabuhay! hi! american apparel's tri-blend (best material in the world!) pleated pocket dress, vera wang navy cardigan, & a converse all-star black leather satchel bag that i use for traveling. it's super big and i would feel awkward using it for everyday means. i don't think anyone would. especially when you're my height and the bag practically covers your upper body. one more day of work and then i have friday & saturday off. i haven't had indian food in a long time so i would like to eat somewhere with a friend and watch apocalypse now (because it's a current favorite now). that's what i did on valentine's day, by the way. i watched apocalypse now with my boy friend because we didn't want to do anything valentine-y.

february 14th 2009 saturday 3:42 pm i'm still drunk! happy valentine's sitdiary. here is the e-card i sent to james: xoxo alexis

february 11th 2009 wednesday 1:48 pm tiny cut / awkward face fake plant in the bathroom sanrio purin cell phone charm american apparel deep v-neck tee american apparel matte leather jacket i couldn't wait :( jacket was $60. i get paid tomorrow so i don't feel that bad about the purchase. i got the cut while i was at work. it wasn't even a knife that did it. i was in the cooler looking for strawberries for strawberry shortcake when it happened. (sidenote: they gave me free reigns to decorate the dessert any way i wanted so of course i made it traditional, but i did pipe some whipped cream on top then placed a slice of strawberry at an angle on it) i eventually did find a package in the back of the shelf so i reached for it and as i pulled my hand out it scraped the top of the shelf (which happens to be metal). it looks tiny, and it is, but it was bloodier yesterday. i'm weak!

february 8th 2009 sunday 9:12 pm my kaleidoscope video: sped up double to lessen the "crunch" that is produced when turning the kaleidoscope. i.e. you should probably turn the volume all the way down if you're going to watch this ;/ really just a test video for now. in the meantime, i'm trying to figure out the best way to set this up. i don't work wednesday or saturday this week. me and martha (aged 65 and one of my favorite co-workers) are the only two who are off this valentine's day. am i excited? of course. i'm spending it with my friend james. i've been hanging out with him in a more-than-friends kind of fashion for a while now. well, when we originally met he wanted us to be more than friends, but i grew accustomed to being single so i declined moving our relationship further. we do go on "dates" and make-out and get drunk together and blah blah blah, but i don't consider him my boyfriend or anything. relationship or not, i like what we have. i'm weird, i know.

january 30th 2009 friday 6:28 pm animal collective / my girls i don't mean to seem like i care about material things like a social status it's been really cold over here. i mean, it did sleet then snow for two days! this basically means i don't get to wear my american apparel bathing suit (i just bought the bandeau top) any time soon. i don't even know why i purchased it so early ;/ it was just sitting on my sandals in my room- oh, reminders. i can't wait for you, summer- and so i put it on along with bottoms and sat in the warm bathtub. just lying there. when i stepped out i toweled off my shoulders, stomach, etc and looked in the mirror. sure enough, like some reviewers stated, my nipples were completely showing. i wasn't sure if it was because i just stepped out of the warm bath or not, but i did try on the top again last night. i walked into the kitchen, made nachos (with real tortillas, of course), and when i went to the bathroom it was like, "hey nipples. what's up?" i guess it's not a big deal. they're just nipples. i'm probably going to just go to my friends' pools anyway.

january 26th 2009 monday 11:46 pm i graduated college. what's up, world? working working working. i am surprised i don't have carpal tunnel by now. i worked on a lot of sheet cakes and cupcakes and cookies and pastries that were heart shaped and red and pink and rose adorned and had silly sayings on them like "i'm yours" or "kiss me" and other general valentine type things. blaaaaaaaaah, i guess i prefer this to new years designs. and my friend brittany turned 21 today but is going to college in another city so we decided to make a surprise visit this saturday and give her a belated birthday. when i get off work @ 8 P.M. i'm going to leave my car in the parking lot (whether this is prohibited or not is beyond my knowledge at the moment), get picked up by two other friends, drive 1.5 hours away, get dressed in the car on the way, drop into another friend's boyfriend's apartment, set up the secret birthday, go some place probably, and get drunk beyond my capacity with the birthday girl. i am not sure when we're leaving the following day because i don't know if i work on sunday, but i'm sure everything will work out. i haven't bought her a gift yet. i am very unoriginal when it comes to these things and usually opt for the money, cash or gift card, route. so terrible. so horrible. i guess i still have four more days to think of something else!

january 21st 2009 wednesday 9:48 pm MOM & DAD / 20 & 26 YRS. OLD / 1983 i love my parents and they love each other a lot, too. it's their anniversary today. 25 years together. anyway, this drink, made on a slight whim, tastes like a mixture of chai, coffee, and a hint of chocolate bananas even though bananas or chocolate is not located in this at all. reminds me of a drink i would get at an over-priced "smoothie" place although what i ordered consisted of a coffee base (instead of yogurt). 120 ml tazo spiced black tea latte concentrate 60 ml silk plus omega-3 dha soymilk 60 ml 2% regular cow's milk 15ml of starbucks liqueur ice (not optional) this salad, also made on a whim, tastes sweetly satisfying. i got home from work a little bit ago and looked in the refrigerator. there was a bin full of spring mix still waiting to be used so i heaped some into a bowl. i plucked some grapes from their vine, plopped them on top, and drizzled some raspberry vinaigrette (made by kraft with extra virgin olive oil) on to the salad. i found a small bag of walnuts in the pantry so i made something my mother recently showed me how to do. i whipped some egg whites with water then tossed the walnuts in the frothy mixture. in a separate bowl i mixed cinnamon, white sugar, and salt to which i used as a coating. i baked that and ten minutes later i put them into the salad. good late dinner.

january 20th 2009 tuesday 12:38 am my american apparel order is coming in tomorrow, or actually, today. i'm so excited for its arrival that i will probably take an unnecessary trip to the grocery store just to use the reusable bag as soon as possible. maybe i will take it thrift store shopping and put my goods into it when i'm done. thrift store wish list: leather jacket and super long gold chains. i just want a leather jacket. i don't really care if it's faux or not. i just want it to look good. i've seen a lot of leather jackets that make me want to throw up, but there are a few that i like. i was on this girl's fashion blog recently and she was wearing a leather jacket over a floral print dress. i love the idea of edgy and dainty pieces together.

january 15th 2009 thursday 12:53 am Location: LOS ANGELES, CA, US Date: 1/14/2009 Local Time: 9:44 P.M. Description: ORIGIN SCAN it's making its way here slowly, but surely! i bought the bandeau bikini top in the same color (serpent) as pictured above. i decided i am cheap and will look for bikini bottoms elsewhere. i might also have to buy some liners for the top as i read reviews and they were saying it's quite see through (this color) when wet. i was going to get a darker color at first like grape or cobalt, but i liked how this color complimented the girl above. dark features. so in that aspect i thought it would compliment me as well. let's hope the nipples are kept to a minimum. i bought the bag so i can now use it instead of always getting plastic bags at the grocery store. ( which i place inside of each other and throw into my pantry. then i reuse them for lunch or as trash bags in my room or car. not really that resourceful at all, but whatever.) sorry, but i don't like those overly environmental reusable bags. gross. although i do like the bags whole foods has designed!

january 10th 2009 saturday 4:47 pm i'm bored. i'm bored. i'm bored. everyone's at work. i did manage to eat lunch with my friend daniel much earlier today. we got bento boxes and sushi. afterward i went and bought a lamp for my bedroom, but i need to move some things around to be able to get to the outlet. i think that is what i'm going to do for the rest of this evening- clean my room. this will probably take more than an hour because i'm one of those people that have the intentions of cleaning the room as fast as possible, but end up taking multiple breaks. lazy saturday. lazy alexis.

january 5th 2009 monday 2:22 pm in order of appearance: kohlrabi pomegranates avocados persimmons daikon carrots plantains black grapes apricots red apples i went grocery shopping yesterday and went a little crazy in the produce section. today i went thrift store shopping and got a pair of nike airs as well as three dresses, sunglasses, and cough franz ferdinand's self-titled lp cough. i'm not sure why i decided to buy it, but it is my current guilty pleasure now. total cost - $23.