It has now been four hours since the last time I cryed...I never thought that would be a big deal, but today and last night were tough. I dont know when it will get better. I am not crying right now but as I think about things i feel the lump in my throat catch and my eyes get dangerously full. Three months ago I wrote about how things had changed in my once great college friendships, and I asked myself if our friendship would make it. I think I got my answer last night... After the race, back in our room, Maria confronted me with the information that people were upset with me. She said we should talk about all the tension in the group, she assumed I had already noticed how people were treating me. But the truth is that I just thought we weren't so close, not that it was just me they didn't want to deal with. Apparently, I am too opinionated. Apparently, I am offending people because I am so vocal and passionate about my values and politics. And there are "space" issues. It really hurts to have this all said to me, to know that my friends, who I love and depend on, are talking about me- making jabs at me- behind my back. And, according to her it has been going on a long time. It really sucks because it is everybody- all of the seven and Maria too. She told me she did it too, that she would tease about me and give me the cold shoulder. I feel so betrayed and hurt and I have nobody to turn to. The people here who I would have leaned on are the problem. And I never have enough time to myself to just handle this. So I have been crying as quietly as possible between classes and on my way to work. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to give up what I care about because it bothers others? It wouldn't be such a big deal but how am I supposed to be sorry for offending them when the reason I am so defensive is because I feel like the one who is under attack? I don't think they understand that. And I guess it really bothers them, the way I worry like a mother. I understand that it can be tiresome, that I am not their mother. But that is who I am and I do it out of genuine love and concern. I thought they all understood that. I thought I could be myself with them. Afterall, they were supposed to be my best friends. I wonder how long this has been going on- and how bad it really is. I know they are mad at me. I never thought that any of this could really cause such issues. The worst part is that I didn't even know. I couldn't because I can't imagine doing that to somebody. I do not know how to act around them all now- I am not sure if I feel comfortable with them. Maria said she would understand if I was mad at her and all of them- but I'm not. I know that sounds crazy but I am upset and disappointed , not angry. What good would it do for me to get bitter and hateful? It wouldn't take away the sting of their failed friendship, it wouldn't make me feel better. I would feel worse. It would consume me right now and I would just end up hating myself for hating others. I won't destroy myself with bitterness and anger. I need to go home... need to be with my mom and dad. Need to be in my room where I can cry and feel sorry for myself in peace. I need to talk to and see Steph- the friend who would never hurt me, who I really can depend on...I guess this will teach me that not all people are true (that is a tough realization that is hard for a person who trusts like I do- with the whole heart.)And it will test my resiliency and my ability to love and forgive. And I am reminded of who I CAN depend on- my family(Steph is definately a part of that group.)

So yesterday was my 19th birthday. most of the day was pretty uneventful- i got calls and e-cards from my family. And i opened my package from my mom. she sent me all kinds of random fun stuff. and i now have way too much junk food in my room. i was sitting alone in my room for at least an hour cuz i think they were all getting ready and waiting for jenny to get back. then jenny came up and got me for my big surprise (i never would have guessed when musty and joe came up and got baking goods from my fridge or from all the warnings to keep the night open) musty and joe were in charge of the baking and wrapping- i was quite impressed by the carmel,walnut, chocolate brownies they made me. (and keiths mom also made apple crumble- even if it was left over from easter and probable horrible for us)the brownie was a lil inappropriate... not unlike a number of my gifts. but some were really awesome - like my necklace and my bag. i couldnt stop laughing all night. i ate too much cake and brownie and had so much fun with my friends- it really made my first b-day away from home special.

YAY!! maria and i moved our room around and it looks awesome. we really only rearranged my desk,dresser and wardrobe and stacked two of our desk shelves as bookcases in the corner but it looks so different. it really opened up the room. i "watched" the superbowl with the seven in mikes room.we had chips and dip and calzones. i dont really care abt football but it was really fun hanging out together. and i have to admit the last couple plays were really exciting. the rest of the time i talked and joked and worked on my cross stitch. its really coming along well. after the game we went to moosties room and watched the new episode of house which was pretty interesting. now i should be doing my spanish essay which i have blown off all day... cuz we are definately not going to have another snowday- too bad. its supposed to get up to 50 tomorrow- thats global warming for you though. have a lot to say and thoughts running through my head... but its late and i am not going to get any sleep tonight at this rate. ps- i sent my ballot for the election- the first time i get to vote and its the primary for the presidential election. thats pretty cool- well if ur a weirdo like me.

when i got into the elevator friday morning there was a big red sign: Classes have been cancled today due to inclement weather! i was so excited. i went to breakfast and then back to bed- i slept until like 10. then i went to cross train. had to run to lunch cuz it was closing in like 10 minutes! haha. we just cant win. after lunch jenny, joe, mike, moostie and i got bundled up and played in the snow on the quad. we white washed each other, threw snowballs at passers-by, made snow angles and just ran through the snow. it was freeing and beautiful. we had pre-meet meetings and then all of us- liz and keith too- walked to ewing to go sledding. we had stolen 10 saga trys at lunch(but moose and joe were walking on the quad w/ theirs and saga dave saw them and mad us give them back- so we only had 8) cafeteria trays make surprisingly fun sleds! first we went down on our own and then we made a big circle and tryed to go down as a big group. it didnt work too well cuz ppl kept loosing their trays but it was really fun anyway. unfortunately keith screwed his knee again takeling liz and we had to stop. five of us walked back to school so mike could get his car and drive keith and liz back- he couldnt walk at all. then we went to dinner. we hung out in keiths room, watching eurotrip. i got a call from teresita that night which was nice. saturaday was the titan open. i ran the 5k and pr'ed by like 50 seconds.(20:55ish) there were a lot of other big pr's too. it was a long meet but it was fun and i felt so good cuz i was happy with my race. i really like the 5k- everybody else hates it but i think its my favorite race in track and i cant wait to try a 10- although that will be hard. we went to potbellies for dinner after the meet as a big group- maria ross and hannah came too. we joked and had fun and stuffed outselves. then we went to dolan and played pool games and apples to apples. when liz and keith went to bed and jenny got off work we went to ferg and hung w/ ross for a while before deciding to go for a walk... we went to downtown normal to a coffee shop but it was closed so on our way back we stopped at dominoes and got some cheesy bread. then- exhausted we finally stopped in jennys room to see how her roommate had changed it and then went to bed. today is super bowl- even though i dont really care abt the game im looking forward to hanging out in mikes room and having calzones. maria and i are going to change our room around a bit today for a change of pace that should be fun

things are different. there i said it. part of the reason ive been having so much trouble accepting the changes is that i keep expecting things to go back to the way they used to be. but they wont. this is how it is now. we are still great friends - maybe not as close as before but still great. heres the other problem- the question i need to ask myself but im afraid to ask: can i stay friends with them? as dependentas i am on them and how much i love them i have to ask if i CAN be with them. i think the answer is yes but heres the problem: im liberal- really really liberal. they are conservative. everything i say is a joke to them. education especially, it is my passion in life and they think im a joke when i talk abt it. they dont see the way things are tipped against the less fortunate- my goal in life is to fight this - the systemt hat supports it and the people who, out of fear or apathy or ignorance, perpetuate it. yet my best friends are in favor of the status quo. more than not caring- which would be a shame but i could handle- they dont want things to change. if anybody brings up a political question or starts taking abt our ed class and race i just try to keep my mouth shut cuz it only causes disagreements. we raise our voices and bicker, liz leaves the room and keith yells for us to shut up- and after we stop i feel like crying cuz once again i remember how hard it is to be so different from the people you love. i feel like i cant talk abt the stuff that is most important to me when im with them...which is almost always. i am silenced. can i go on in a friendship which requires me to ignor it when they make fun of my beliefs. i know they dont mean it to hurt me but i feel like by not speaking- i am compromising my values and losing part of who i am. i think they cant see what i have to say cuz they wont hear me- they listen in our debates- but they dont hear what im saying. i know why- cuz if they heard if they saw it from my perspective they would have to admit there is a huge problem. in admitting that you have to see that if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. that means you have to care forever and you have to fight- and that isnt easy. it takes all your passion, but its worth it. i love them and dont want to be without them- but am i giving up my principles to be with them?

this weekend was good- had the first track meet of the season. i was disappointed but its ok cuz it was just one race...saturday was fun - we had a recruit here so we did fun stuff in the munsell basement- stanford water pong taboo scategories- and it was fun. then most ppl left and it was just mike joe jenny and i in the basement. we played charades and it was the best of the night. we had goofy words and had to do dumb acts and it was fun. sunday we had dinner in the lounge- laughed like old times and felt like everything was good again. we stayed in the lounge till like 11 just talking and laughing hysterically.

Yay!!I havent been able to get onto my site in sooo long. so much has changed since my last entry a year ago! sum up: the rest of senior year was pretty good but not that exciting. i graduated- surprise surprise! and i had my first kiss and bf- even if i dont really count him as a bf cuz we went to prom, and on 1 date and then broke up in a voice mail... but i have no regrets about that so... this summer was fun i spent most of it working and hanging out w/ steph and anna. the other girls werent really around that much but i did get to see them at the end. so here i am now- in college at iwu! i really love it here and am so glad i made this choice. i also joined the team here which was probably the best decision i could have made. i have made fast friends with 6 others. we are the freshmen 7- giggle gang as the rest of the team calls us. liz keith jenny mike joe and moostie- i dont no what id do with out them. having such close friends has made the adjustment to college easy. i havent felt homesick at all.. which i no sounds bad but im having so much fun. well im just killing time right now waiting for a phone call from my doctor about wheather or not i have a stress fracture. then ill go to saga when keith and liz call. i have a million things to say but cant get it all out now so im gonna go for now but im glad to be able to update again!!

saturday was our city championship meet. it was the first year that i ran city. we came in second to nothside at sectionals so i was really nervous leading up to the race. this was a new course this year. instead of washington park it was held at promitory point (53rd st.) rite on the lake. i was very cold and windy but we all wore unerarmor and tights and we barely noticed the cold. i know that all of us were feelingh the pressure that da- even steph who had that girl from young behind her. roof basically told us thatif we wanted a shot at the championship, we all had to pass at least ne northside girl. i think every one really stepped up and there were some amazing races. steph pineda pr'ed by almost 1:30 and ran 3rd from lane- 6th overall. steph ran 18:05(beat piotr's pr) i ran 20:28ish- pr! leslie pr'ed too. it was a really impressive day. i was happy cuz i managed to get ahead of this northside girl who beat me last week and i finished 10th! when i crossed the line i was fallling over but tony grabbed me and said that he thought we did it. but then kori and the other coaches told us that they werent sure - we might have missed it by a couple points. we were all so nervous leading up to awards- we kept trying to count the points but we werent sure of some finishes. i told kori that i should have run faster- but she told me that i was not allowed to be disappointed or feel bad- that i did more than they even expected. at awards we were all sitting together. as they announced the top five teams leslie, steph p, and i all held hands and held our breath. we started cheering as soon as they announced that nothside and young had tied for second. that was one of the best feelings- walking hand in hand w/ my teammates to gete our city plaque. we took like 1million pictures and everybody was going crazy. then we went to congratulate the second place teams. northside was really mad about that- they didnt even want to get up and they barely shook our hands. young was really cool abt it- they were smiling and congratulating us. i have been so happy with this season as a whole. i set two goals for myself at the beginning of the season. 1) break 21 min and 2) make top ten at city. not to mention i wanted to be able to say i contributed to my team winning city for the 5th year in a row. i broke 21 and stayed under for 2 races and i was 10th. i am usually scared to set big goals but i am glad that i did - cuz accomplishing goals makes everything you do seem that much better.

ok so... i was gonna write a couple of times since the last entry, but i got a lil side tracked. last tuesday i was talking to matt online- but it really sucked. to make a long story short he was talking abt the girl he was crazy abt and how he couldnt have her. in the end he said thanks for listening that i should be a psychologist. just wat i wanted to hear. but really its all cool now. that night and the next day i was really upset- i think i cried. but im over it now. really. i no thats hard to believe but sumhow talking to him i just realized that i didnt want to put myself through that so im just done. it helped talking to steph and shaheen and chris mendez, but mostly w/ ethan. its weird how easy it is to spill to him. steph calls him my maggie- cuz i tell him all my problems just like every body tells me theirs. (secretly, i could prolly fall for him if i would let myself but i just dont want to deal w/ that rite now) the last race sucked- i dont even want to mention my time... but im over that too- icant do anything abt it soo...and now roof says maybe i cant run lakefront on sat. which totally sucks cuz i was all excited to run that one. but hopefully hell change his mind. tomorrow school doesnt start till 10 yay!! which is y im just wasting time online at 12 on a wed. but i should go to sleep now so i get sum rest ...

this weekend we had a race in peoria. we had to be at school at 4:45am so that we could get to the race on time. so on the way there we all grabbed a bench and slept most of the way down to the meet. steph was pushing me off the bench and the way i was sleeping really messed with my ankle- it still hurts! the race was pretty good, they kept saying that it was a fast course. and i guess it was cuz i got a pr- 21:13! yay! steph got 9th (18:07?) place which is really awesome. kevin ended up passing out in his race and not finishing. klay was the first lane guy w/ 16:35. i was really happy with that race. the bus ride home was really interesting too. as chris put it, we talked about everything from hitler to sex. well... mostly sex, but still.... i was surprised by some of the stuff they said- what they knew and didnt know, what they had done... they thougt i was a weirdo cuz i had never even kissed a guy. so we spent 4 hours talking about all the interesting stuff that you really didnt want to know about people. steph would have loved our conve- too bad she was w/ jenny. sunday was pretty boring except for the fifteen minutes i was online w/ matt. i finally got the courage to ask him for his sn so now i cam im him and we can talk online. how did i end up here so crazy about him so fast??? ok journalism is ending so ive got to go!

last weekend was our team xc camp in indiana. actually it was thursday to saturday. but i was too lazy to write it all down until now. we left from diversy harbor thursday afternoon. it was just terisita and me in koris car. steph was going to see wicked with her mom that night so she came on friday. when we got to the camp site we all had to set up camp. alot of the girls had never been camping before and were totally useless in helping put up the tents, and the girls who prolly could have helped were all in nancys car and she was pretty lost and late getting there. but we got koris tent up with no problem. michelles tent on the other hand was a pain in the ass! the guys were putting it up but they couldnt figure it out so they quit half way through but not with screwing up what they had done. so then when i went to fix it it was a total mess. rick and i ended up putting the whole thing together after a lil while of staring and being confused. then we all went on our run, which was pretty good. the pace was good and the scenery was really nice-although after my legs and shoes were totally black. and then we had to ride home soaking wet and practically on top of each other in the van. i got stuck between chris and kent and heard nothing but dirty comments all the way back to camp. though i admit a few times i set my self up for their jokes. ie. rite as we got in the van chris asked me how the run was and i answered "it was long and hard, but it felt good" he had a field day with that one and i do admit that it was funny. the pool at the camp ground was really gross but dana, nancy and i jumped in twice that day anyway. the girls all slept in two tents. really we could have called them the upper and lower class tents, but we kept saying that ours was the hispanic tent and the other was the gringa/ white girls tent. except that im white. but they said that i was a cool white girl cuz i wasnt a priss so i was an honorary hispanic that weekend. we stayed up till 1:30 telling ghost stories and talking abt boys. piotr got kicked out of our tent at 10:30 so then we had real girl talk abt the feelings and talent on the team and they all talked abt thier bfs and i had to tell that i liked matt.... my face was so red i was glad it was dark. but we had some really good convos. we tried to get everyone to say who they would have sex w/ at the camp besides their bfs but only a few answered. and alot of girls didnt want to say anything about being or not being virgins so after that we finally went to bed. the next morning played tournement volleyball. my team sucked. the only one who could play was jerry. cuz chris totally suckedd and was like scared of the ball or sumthing and chris mendez kept like grabbing and throwing the ball.sooo.... we couldnt get a point and for a long time the score was 10 to 0. finally when steph came we all went to the beach and went swimming and played some more volleyball. then we had to go on our runs. i ran along the beach w/ some girls and the guys rite in front of us. when we got back from our runs the coaches were still gone so we decided to take baths in the lake. one of the guys had some soap so we all got to get pretty clean. it was nice- even if i did smell like a guy after. that night, after dinner, the whole team decided to walk up to this "haunted" house. so all like 23 of us walked down the pitch black country road for about a mile to this abandoned house. it was a good walk, talking to ppl- even if steph wasnt nearby to talk w/ cuz she was being bad... then when we got there it wasnt that much fun so a bunch of us decided to leave. steph, chris, shaheen, piotr, kent, jenny, and i were the first group to leave and the sophomores were a little ways behind us. as we were walking back up to the campsite, chris got the bright idea to go streaking. the girls didnt want to so they decided that just the three guys would go. kent was all for it but piotr wasnt sure if he wanted to, but in the end they convinced him to do it. so we all went over to the side of the road and the guys waited til the other group was nearby then took off their clothes except for thier boxers. then they ran out into the middle of the road, took off their boxers and ran butt naked down the road. the other group screamed and laughed as they shined their lights and realized what was going on. they thought it was a really funny thing to do and were talking about joining in and doing the same to the next group. steph, jenny, shaheen and i all ran over to the guys to give them their clothes. just as they were getting dressed a cop car pulled up next to us. he asked us what we were doing out there and said that he didnt want us to get run over so he would take us back to our campground. piotr still didnt have a shirt on when the cop came and chris was literally just pulling up his pants. we were so lucky that cop didnt come 3 seconds earlier and that we didnt get arrested for indecent exposure. so all sixteen of us had to walk dejectedly back to camp, two-by-two with the cop car following us- lights and all. and just as we got close to the camp tony pulls up on his way to wendys and sees us all. he pulled over to talk to the cop. it turns out that somebody called the sheriff and said that a bunch of kids almost got run over. so tony and the cop followed us back to camp. we all got a lecture about being responsible. but it was short cuz they had to go find the rest of the kids. when everybody got back we were sent rite to bed. the next morning we had our six mile workout/ race thingie. i was really happy w/ it- i finshed second out of the girls. steph and chris both did awesome and broke the standing records from the race last year. i was really happy to have set a goal and met it! one thing is for sure i will NEVER FORGET that camp!!!!!

i cant believe that summer is almost over. with work and class it seems like summer just flew by. i feel like i havent spent any time just hanging out w/ my friends or relaxing. which of course isnt totally true cuz i did hang w/ steph- but not that much for us. i was always at camp all day and then she had so many running camps... but at least i got to see everybody yesterday. steph, jenny, cari, roxy, chris and piotr came over for our mystery party yesterday after practice. at first it was kinda crazy but we had lots of fun- i was the murderer.haha its always the quiet ones right? roxy and steph slept over and we stayed up watching save the last dance and talking till 5 o'clock this morning. then roxy left at like 7 and steph and i slept till 2 in the afternoon. i love spending time with everybody and talking to the girls. we always have some really good conversations together. although, the best conversations i have are with steph on our late night runs. i guess thats what best friends are for. im glad that when we talk its not just crap, but real. "deep" as she would joke. but seriously our last few runs have really made me think. ok well even though i have alot to say- i have to go running now....fun!

steph,   happy birthday!!! i promised u i would write another birthday card on here- one that ur mom cant read. but it starts the same i cant believe u r seventeen. cant believe that we arent just little girls still. can it really be true that so much time has passed? and then i answer myself- yes all this time has passed and we have grown up. it feels like just the other day that we were asking if u could play after school and our main topic of conversation was criticizing teachers and school and worring about homework. now here we are today- so much has changed. i cant believe we went from that to what we are now. i dont no how it happened that our main conversation is boys (well mostly chris..) could we have imagined only seven years ago, that on ur seventeenth birthday, we would be whispering about just how far u had gone with ur bf? alot has changed since then, about what we do, how we think, who we hang out with... yet one thng has stayed the same through it all- we always have been, always will be, best friends. just in this last year, u have changed alot. most of the changes are prolly cuz of chris. in the six months you guys have been dating u have changed- ur stance on many issues (sex for example or teen pregnancy) have changed so much. u really have grown up so much just from being with him... he has helped u mature in so many ways that even u may not have noticed- though to be fair u have helped him grow as well. i mean all of this in the very best of ways- after all change is a part of life. but i remain amazed at just how much one year can change a person. u have opened up about things u were never comfortable telling and talking to me about. on many levels i feel like in this last year, we have both grown up more than we had in the past three or four years combined- some of it had to do with chris but a fair amount was simply time taking its course on us. it had to happen eventually- it just seems to me that much of our growth into young women from little girls, has taken place this year. if we were able to look back on ourselves even just last year- i doubt that we would now say those were the same girls. i know that next year will bring even more change and then we will be in college- wow it is all happening so quickly! but i am confident that no matter how much we grow and change, we will never grow too much for the friendship which, at least for me, has offered fun, laughter, and joy in good times and sustinance, comfort and reliablility in the difficult times. thanks for always being there- i know it sounds corny but- ur friendship has not only shaped the changes in my life, but also offered a contant from change. Happy Seventeenth Birthday!! love ya, maggie

i really really hate trig!! have u ever been so angry at somebody that u want to cry? well i do- i dont cry cuz of pain or sadness- i cry when i get emotional abt my anger. and i wanted to scream and cry in trig today my teacher made me soo mad. we were reviewing for the quiz and i was actually paying attention for once cuz i need to pass that class. but didnt understand sumthing the first time she said it so i asked her to explain it again. she went into this long lecture abt how i shouldnt be talking and how i talk so much and miss everything she says. and thats y im always asking questions. i was soooo angry at her. i dont talk that much and when i do its to ask the other kids to explain the lessons that she taught so poorly. and she always acts like im so dumb when i ask simple questions- but the truth is math isnt easy for me and i no that so ask 100 questions to make sur im learning it. i was holding in all of my anger so wouldnt get in more trouble- but i just wanted to scream at her! i know this sounds so dumb but it really bothered me... i mean arent teachers spossed to make kids want to ask questions not act like they r so dumb for asking?? ok new subject- international days start tomorrow! yay! its like a four day weekend cuz we just get to hang out in the gym watching dances and eating food all day. im really interested to see the dances this year. alot of my friends r dancing in different clubs - which always makes watching more fun. plus im working at german clubs booth with lindsay so i know ill have fun- and get to eat lots of sweets. i think international days r a really cool tradition at lane. cuz it does celebrate our diversity and yet it brings us all together at the same time. no other school can boast an event quite like ours. we have soo many different clubs and such a cool way of doing this. this weekend im not running in any races again so i can just chill. im not sure if im gonna b able to go down to champaign to watch steph run on sat yet. im an alternate for sundays 4X8 but roof said i didnt have to go if i didnt want to- so i prolly wont. ok well im gonna go to bed now so i can get up bright and early to go to international days tomorrow we have to get there at 5:30 yay!! oh well - its still no hw and no class so who cares if we wake up early??

soo i went to watch co-ed relays today. which was fun. steph and chris and fernando and ruby did the 4X8 and won. it was a good race... steph got a pr congrats!! haha soooooo.. whats really on my mind? what else? kevin... the best part abt today was before the race started and while steph and chris and the others were warming up- it was really nice just laying there next to him... ive never been so comfortable on a hard cold track. i didnt want to move at all- even though we werent even touching except for our legs...and when he grabbed my arm or hand looking for his water bottle. its not a big thing him missing the bag and grabbing my arm but im such a dork it was making my head spin and my heart speed up. god i hate this... i see myself being stupid but cant stop. i hate who i am in this. i cant stand myself. i always promised i wouldnt b this person...swore i would never be the chick who goes crazy over sum dumb guy who doesnt even see her. but then here i am breaking my own word and only hurting myself in the process. why in the name of all things holy cant i get over him- hes not that amazing...well he is to me but... steph is rite- he dosent like me, so it should be easy to just get over him. so what is wrong with me? there r so many other guys out there... i should just like sumone else instead but here i am....im an idiot!!!! ok im done ranting for the night so.....bye*

so i stayed home sick today... gave me time to sleep and relax... i dont feel like writing anything so im just gonna post sum really old pics. from turnabt and ill post more later me, roxy, and steph chris and steph (awww!) steph and me wow! these r really big but i dont no how to make them smaller so oh well!

i had a race today in honongega(cant spell that) i totally sucked!!!! i was so excited for this race, u=it was the first 2 mile he was letting me run this season and i was gonna get to start on the same line as steph for the 2nd time ever. then i ran a 15 sum 2mile- thats the absolute worst i have ever run, including the first race i ran in track last yr. im sooooo mad!! it put a damper on my whole race...and on top of every thing else i felt really sick on and off all day. ppl kept telling me i looked like shit and asking if i was ok. im still too hot and dizy. so that sucks. on the positive side, even though this was an all girls meet there were some guys there to work out and watch. and who else would be there besides kevin. it was nice to see him ... i got 3 hugs! haha im such a looser- and he was really sweet to me and i was nice to know that he was worried abt me... steph ran well today- even if she wasnt that happy. she did get to run 3 events, so she was happy abt that... ok so how did kevin worm his way into my entry again??? i want to complain about my race and my day in peace but he keeps popping up and making it not seem so bad. when he got on the bus he came rite over and hugged me... i no im a dork... and he kept coming around to talk to me and then to make me feel better... steph took a pic of him w/ my phone... i wonder if she is rite, i wonder if he is showboating for my sake... he knows i like him and seems to enjoy playing w/ my emotions- well thats what she says. i think he is just being kevin and he is kinda flirty and goofy like that naturally. but still some times i wonder if she is rite...... god i need to get over him, but ever time i think i mite be i c him again and he is so great and he makes my heart beat faster and i get so stupid and all of a sudden im not even close to being over him... damn it... i hate this!!

i was thinking abt being a kid... dumb i no but... so many of us want to grow up too fast. but thats not me- more than that, i tend to take the joy of being young for granted. im not trying to be an adult or anything, im just not really considering the fact that i wont always be young. dont get me wrong, i do think all the time abt the future and college and what i want to do and where i want to go in life, but even all of that seems like the far off dreams of a little child. cuz really, that is what i still am, a child. and i am realizing that i am really glad to be able to be that. so many kids have to grow up so fast, that they never get to finish being children. i first started thinking abt this kind of stuff during the summer. ive been watching my friend, trying to be a responsible adult, but not wanting to have to give up being the kid he still is. even though he has the responsibilities of a grown man, he is still just barely 16. hes 8 months younger than me and a grade below me, but where i am a nieve, pretty much carefree child, this younger boy is already much older than me. he is a fun, lively goofy kid... most of the time. and with all of us he holds on to that so hard, prolly cuz everywhere else he has to be a man. i know he trys soo hard to be a mature adult, and he is... but we can all see that it must be hard cuz part of him is still the 14 year old boy who he had to give up to do the right thing. and looking at him, who lost so much of his childhood in the blink of an eye, i realize that childhood is a precious thing. before -i never appreciated just how delicate a thing childhood was. but looking at my friend i realize that it is fragile and can vanish in a second- so i had better cherish it, while i still can.

omg!!! this weekend was so much fun. We went down to uiuc to visit jenny. She got tickets for steph and I to go to the illini pride semi-formal with her. We got to the campus and had to get ready to go. Ashley was already dressed but steph and jenny and I had to get ready and do our hair still. Ashley loaned us her hair straitener and by some miracle, I got stephs hair compleatly strait. lol. The dance was at a holiday inn nearby. We caught a buss there. They served dinner there, which was not bad. But the best part was the dancing. The music was pretty good most of the time- although steph and I decided that we take the good music at lane for granted cuz there was a fair amount of country music here. But other than that it was mostly rap and some pop and techno which was a lot of fun. me, jen and steph at the semiformal this is the only pic i have from the weekend but ill post the rest next weekend when jenny sends me them. afterthe dance we went back to jens dorm- it was like 7 degrees out and we had to walk to the buss stop in nothing but skirts and heels and really light coats. at the dorm, we hung out w/ some of jens friends who didnt go to the dance. they had all been to a party and were pretty drunk and very loud. but whatever. we some how mangaged to sleep five ppl relatively comfortably in the tiny dorm. jen was on the loveseat, ashley and her bf slept in her bed and steph and i shared jennys top bunk. i was very relieved that steph didnt push me off in the middle of the nite. we didnt wake up till 2pm on saturday. we went to lunch at FAR with some of the other kids in jens building. then we went back to PAR and just hung out for the rest of the day, not doing much. that night they took us out to a bar where there was music and dancing. we had to use fake ids to get incuz u had to b 19- even though our ids said we were 18. that was my first time using a fake id. steph and i were so worried that we wouldnt get in cuz it is so easy to tell that we r only 16, but the guy didnt ask questions. we got in no problem and said that we were going up stairs to the frat party so we didnt have to pay cover charge. we went downstairs though, where the music was and hung out there all nite. we didnt know alot of what they were playing, but it was fun any way. steph and i didnt drink much, only a sip or two of smernofs, rum and coke, and sex on the beach, but not enough to be affeted. but the other kids with us did get pretty drunk. so we were kept entertained. the wierdest thing was seeing jenny, who to us is our big sister, who we remember as student council president and that kind of stuff, getting drunk, but it was def. interesting. random guys kept tryng to dance with us, but jen wasnt so far gone that she wasnt looking out for us. it was a fun night, alot better than the last time we were out. no tears this time. we left rite when the bar was closing and went back to the dorm. ashley didnt sleep there that night so steph and i shared her bed. on sunday we woke up late again and had ramen in the room. then we did laundry to get the smell of smoke out of our clothes cuz stephs mom would kill us if she found out we were at a bar. then we showered to get the smell out of our hair. two things i think i will have trouble getting used to in college are having to always use public rest rooms, and having to wear shoes in the shower! haha. then i straitened stephs hair again so it would be nice for school on tues. (maybe)and then we packed up and went home. it was alot of fun spending the weekend with jenny- it seems like so long since we all spent a weekend just having fun, the three of us. i have to say that i missed it, missed having jenny as a big sister and a best friend who is always around. this time was alot more fun than our first trip down... i cant wait till next weekend when jen comes back here. oh and to jen and ashley- thanks so much for letting us come down and share ur room and for taking us out. u guys r great!

my parents are on me to start driving again. they keep reminding me that i have to keep going- and making me promise to drive this weekend. i havent gotten around to that yet, hopefully i never will. but then again i so want to drive again and even more i dont want to be scared any more! i feel like such a big baby, i know that i just need to get back on the horse, but every time i get behind the wheel i freak out a lil bit. i dont know how to explain it- i just dont feel so confident any more. my dad keeps telling me that i am a good driver and that he wouldnt lie abt sumthing so serious- so i should jsut keep going, but i still cant help beating my self up abt it. "our greatest accomplishment lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." good advice- if only i caould follow it. i PROMISE i will drive tomorrow! i made an appointment to go out to u of i during spring break. my mom and i are going to drive down on the 12 and 13 to see colleges. i am making appointments w/ uiuc, isu, weslean(cant spell that), and another school that i cant remember. all of a sudden it hit me how close college is- i know it sounds dumb but it always seemed like i had so long to think abt things like that and now suddenly its here. act's are coming up in the spring and soon im gonna have to start appling and looking for scholarships!! oh no! well im excited but a lil nervous. i made semi plans to visit jenny that day too- which will be the most fun of the whole trip! and my mom says maybe i can visit mark at weslean and his girlfriend at isu. so at least ill no ppl. this stuff seems kinda confusing but fun at the same time. we went out with karen on friday. we saw when a stranger calls which it turns out was pretty lame and the girl was soooo dumb! but it was cool to see karen again. it seems like so long since we last talked- and i guess it has been... more than a year and a half. steph and i were so shocked cuz karen kept telling us how cool she thought we were. and then it occured to me- even though to the real world, steph and i are total dorks- to karen who has it even harder than we do socially we are really awesome. mostly cuz even though we r loosers we have each other and all our memories and jokes. we are easy and happy w/ being uncool cuz we have each other and that is enough- which, to ppl who dont have sumthing like that makes us seem cool. that got me thinking abt how lucky i am to have a friend like steph. so many ppl never have what she and i have and yet we take that for granted. i dont no what i would do with out her. i could deal w/ any thing- even having no friends and being a social out cast if i only had her. but w/ out my best friend i could be surrounded by ppl and still always feel alone. i no i sound like such a dork - but its true. we have been best friends for so long now i dont know what i would do with out her there with me. ive been looking at my mom lately and her best friend is her sister, who is so sick. i can see the pain in my moms eyes every time she talks w/ her. i no she feels so helpless cuz she wants to help my aunt but there is nothing that she can do. i wonder what it would be like if it was me in that situation w/ steph so sick. cuz my mom and my aunt are the kind of friends steph and i are. i feel so bad for my aunt who is in so much pain- but also for my mom cuz i cant imagine what it must be like to see someone u r so close to in so much pain and not be able to help. i cant imagine what it must be like to live in constant fear of loosing the greatest, truest friend uve ever had. i couldn not wish such pain on any one. i cant imagine seeing steph suffer so much- cant imagine having to worry abt a life w/ out my best friend since 5th grade.please god dont ever let me have to know what that is like. and by the way thanks for giving me a best friend!