It has now been four hours since the last time I cryed...I never thought that would be a big deal, but today and last night were tough. I dont know when it will get better. I am not crying right now but as I think about things i feel the lump in my throat catch and my eyes get dangerously full. Three months ago I wrote about how things had changed in my once great college friendships, and I asked myself if our friendship would make it. I think I got my answer last night... After the race, back in our room, Maria confronted me with the information that people were upset with me. She said we should talk about all the tension in the group, she assumed I had already noticed how people were treating me. But the truth is that I just thought we weren't so close, not that it was just me they didn't want to deal with. Apparently, I am too opinionated. Apparently, I am offending people because I am so vocal and passionate about my values and politics. And there are "space" issues. It really hurts to have this all said to me, to know that my friends, who I love and depend on, are talking about me- making jabs at me- behind my back. And, according to her it has been going on a long time. It really sucks because it is everybody- all of the seven and Maria too. She told me she did it too, that she would tease about me and give me the cold shoulder. I feel so betrayed and hurt and I have nobody to turn to. The people here who I would have leaned on are the problem. And I never have enough time to myself to just handle this. So I have been crying as quietly as possible between classes and on my way to work. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to give up what I care about because it bothers others? It wouldn't be such a big deal but how am I supposed to be sorry for offending them when the reason I am so defensive is because I feel like the one who is under attack? I don't think they understand that. And I guess it really bothers them, the way I worry like a mother. I understand that it can be tiresome, that I am not their mother. But that is who I am and I do it out of genuine love and concern. I thought they all understood that. I thought I could be myself with them. Afterall, they were supposed to be my best friends. I wonder how long this has been going on- and how bad it really is. I know they are mad at me. I never thought that any of this could really cause such issues. The worst part is that I didn't even know. I couldn't because I can't imagine doing that to somebody. I do not know how to act around them all now- I am not sure if I feel comfortable with them. Maria said she would understand if I was mad at her and all of them- but I'm not. I know that sounds crazy but I am upset and disappointed , not angry. What good would it do for me to get bitter and hateful? It wouldn't take away the sting of their failed friendship, it wouldn't make me feel better. I would feel worse. It would consume me right now and I would just end up hating myself for hating others. I won't destroy myself with bitterness and anger. I need to go home... need to be with my mom and dad. Need to be in my room where I can cry and feel sorry for myself in peace. I need to talk to and see Steph- the friend who would never hurt me, who I really can depend on...I guess this will teach me that not all people are true (that is a tough realization that is hard for a person who trusts like I do- with the whole heart.)And it will test my resiliency and my ability to love and forgive. And I am reminded of who I CAN depend on- my family(Steph is definately a part of that group.)