my parents are on me to start driving again. they keep reminding me that i have to keep going- and making me promise to drive this weekend. i havent gotten around to that yet, hopefully i never will. but then again i so want to drive again and even more i dont want to be scared any more! i feel like such a big baby, i know that i just need to get back on the horse, but every time i get behind the wheel i freak out a lil bit. i dont know how to explain it- i just dont feel so confident any more. my dad keeps telling me that i am a good driver and that he wouldnt lie abt sumthing so serious- so i should jsut keep going, but i still cant help beating my self up abt it. "our greatest accomplishment lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." good advice- if only i caould follow it. i PROMISE i will drive tomorrow! i made an appointment to go out to u of i during spring break. my mom and i are going to drive down on the 12 and 13 to see colleges. i am making appointments w/ uiuc, isu, weslean(cant spell that), and another school that i cant remember. all of a sudden it hit me how close college is- i know it sounds dumb but it always seemed like i had so long to think abt things like that and now suddenly its here. act's are coming up in the spring and soon im gonna have to start appling and looking for scholarships!! oh no! well im excited but a lil nervous. i made semi plans to visit jenny that day too- which will be the most fun of the whole trip! and my mom says maybe i can visit mark at weslean and his girlfriend at isu. so at least ill no ppl. this stuff seems kinda confusing but fun at the same time. we went out with karen on friday. we saw when a stranger calls which it turns out was pretty lame and the girl was soooo dumb! but it was cool to see karen again. it seems like so long since we last talked- and i guess it has been... more than a year and a half. steph and i were so shocked cuz karen kept telling us how cool she thought we were. and then it occured to me- even though to the real world, steph and i are total dorks- to karen who has it even harder than we do socially we are really awesome. mostly cuz even though we r loosers we have each other and all our memories and jokes. we are easy and happy w/ being uncool cuz we have each other and that is enough- which, to ppl who dont have sumthing like that makes us seem cool. that got me thinking abt how lucky i am to have a friend like steph. so many ppl never have what she and i have and yet we take that for granted. i dont no what i would do with out her. i could deal w/ any thing- even having no friends and being a social out cast if i only had her. but w/ out my best friend i could be surrounded by ppl and still always feel alone. i no i sound like such a dork - but its true. we have been best friends for so long now i dont know what i would do with out her there with me. ive been looking at my mom lately and her best friend is her sister, who is so sick. i can see the pain in my moms eyes every time she talks w/ her. i no she feels so helpless cuz she wants to help my aunt but there is nothing that she can do. i wonder what it would be like if it was me in that situation w/ steph so sick. cuz my mom and my aunt are the kind of friends steph and i are. i feel so bad for my aunt who is in so much pain- but also for my mom cuz i cant imagine what it must be like to see someone u r so close to in so much pain and not be able to help. i cant imagine what it must be like to live in constant fear of loosing the greatest, truest friend uve ever had. i couldn not wish such pain on any one. i cant imagine seeing steph suffer so much- cant imagine having to worry abt a life w/ out my best friend since 5th grade.please god dont ever let me have to know what that is like. and by the way thanks for giving me a best friend!