So, it's been a long time since I've written in this thing. Three years, in fact - for awhile I couldn't even find it. A lot has changed, and life being what it is, things will inevitably change again. Having always been introspective - as can be seen through the....tumultuous teen years displayed in this diary. I like to think I'm a bit more mature now than I used to be. I certainly know how to spell the word 'despair' these days, and I'm familiar with the definition on a level that I never could have comprehended at sixteen.

It's nothing that I have felt. Misery, yes. Confusion, of a certainty. But despair is so much deeper. It's the deepest, wrenching, unavoidable, consuming emotion imaginable. If I can keep my faith, and grow a deeper faith than I have now, it's a feeling I'll never have to experience.

It's crazy to think that this coming summer, it'll be five years since I left high school. Five years ago, I was giving up hold of my crush on Seth Haug, reminiscing over Corey Velgersdyk (the first boy to make me cry), wondering if my best friend would still be in my life after college, struggling with God's calling in my life. I guess some things never change, at least, not with struggling over God's calling for me. I've no idea where Cory Velgersdyk has gone off to, or what he's doing. Last time I got sentimental and tried to find him on Facebook, well, I think he was in college. Seth got married out of school, and we lost touch.

This is the crazy thing. I've forgotten about Corey, but never Seth. One year at Youth Councils - I think the one after high school, I felt the need to pray for him, and so I wrote his name on a bandaid wrapper and put it in my bible. I pray for him every time I see it. It's weird, because now he's a widower on Facebook, apparently. I wonder if that's what I was praying for him over. I wish it wouldn't be too weird to talk to him about it now.

So, I guess I should update you, dear diary, on Nate Buttrey. He was the more reccent guy to break my heart. See, Corey probably never knew I crushed on him. He certainly never lead me on, or treated me differently than the other girls around. We were the same age, and so in the innocency of being sixteen, the heartbreak was clean. Nate, unfortunately, opened my eyes to the way that things really work. He was a flirt, and I developed feelings. He began to see someone else right after. But then, he's older than I, and had different needs. It still hurt like crazy.

I don't wish anymore, to be the not-strong one. I miss that girl, sometimes. The one who was totally confident. She was a total sap and had her head in the clouds. But I remember her being so comfortable in her skin. Much more comfortable than I am in mine. I promised myself this wouldn't get sappy, and I don't think it has. Just introspective. I've screwed a lot of things up since that time. I suddenly understand why people want to be sixteen again. It has nothing to do with it being 'the best time of your life', because it definitely wasn't that (I'd go about nine for that). It's about being able to revisit who you were, and to tell him or her what you would do differently. Things you wouldn't have passed up or let go. Things you wouldn't do at all.

But hindsight's 50/50.

I don't know, it might be another three years before I update this again. Things will be totally different, then, and right now I don't know what that path will be. I might still be a Salvation Army Officer. I might not be. That scares me - I've never been certain that this is the path God wanted me to take. But on Sunday, Major Mark said something that resonated pretty deeply in me. We're to give up what we hold most dear, I think mine is the possibility of the future. I don't know what will happen. Jessica and Alyssa have both offered me roommates and assistance should I leave. But as much as this life sucks and makes me miserable, leaving the ministry is terrifying on so many levels.

Mostly, what do I do if I disappoint God?