I'm a mess. A complete and total mess who has possibly ruined everything. I'm struggling with finances, with my appearance, with my weight, with my personal preference for messiness. I don't follow-through, I bury my head in the sand. I'm a joke to the very people I want to help. There are days, like right now, that I even question if I'm worthy of being a Salvation Army Officer. I feel like a fool, because I've been trying to do it on my own.

The God of my childhood, the one I cried to when a move was too hard, or the one I shared my day with when I didn't know anyone at school and ate lunch alone. The physical presence who comforted me in days that felt physically dark. I ignored him, and thought I could do something without relying on his strength, and I fell flat on my face. I know it's nothing new; I'm aware that many a Christian before me has done it, and many will after. I also think that sometimes we minimize the personal magnitude of our sin when we think like that.

I screwed up.

But the beauty of God is that he lets me screw up, and he's just waiting for me to realize it myself. I'm sure I hurt him like crazy all those days when I cried alone, or when I hardened my heart to the truth of the situation. When I blinded myself to the fact that it was always a mess of my own making. Still He waited. When I had no words, I thought it meant there was nothing to say, but he always waited for the deepest groaning of my spirit. He longed for the authenticity of my heart.

Yesterday God allowed two examples of His working in my life to smack me in the face. Major Mark, who has unknowingly taken the blame for many of my own shortcomings, preached a message that God used to touch my heart. I determined to get back into bible study and prayer. That afternoon, I found myself counseling one of my heartbroken kids to turn to God. To vent on God when there was no one else, even if he was screaming at God and begging to hear something in return. It has only just hit me, that I long ago forsook the very advice I was offering.

It's made a world of difference.

I've still screwed up, and I still question my worthiness of being a Salvation Army Officer. People who love me will argue that I haven't messed up that badly, but the truth is I have. I ignored the God I profess to love, and shrugged off vital elements of the very work he has called me to do. Yes, I currently stand in personal conviction of that truth, but the other less-pleasant truth is that there are still consequences to everything that I do. For a long time I have considered stepping down, but now that I face the possibility of losing it before I'm 'ready' I find that my heart is begging me to stay. I guess that's my answer about the truthfulness of my need to stay where God has put me.

I'll leave it to God and The Salvation Army to decide. I will do my best to slowly work on cleaning the messes, both physical and not. Somehow, leaving it to God and doing what I can....is a huge relief. This morning, I thanked God for creating me in his image, and asked him to show me what he sees in his other creations. He has done that and more, and I can only sit here and thank him. I'm scared and I don't know what will happen, but at the same time I feel a measure of peace. I've done what I've done. I'll do what I can now, and whatever happens, I'm still made in God's image, and if I can remember that, and remember to turn to Him with every moment of every day, then I'll walk a path of His choosing, despite what I've done to dismantle that path as I've walked.