Ever just want to tell someone to fuck off? To shove their self-indulgent bullshit so far up their ass that you hope the butt fuck will give them AIDs? Yeah, welcome to the way I'm feeling right now?

Another weekend wasted. I saw Snakes on a Plane again last night simply because I had nothing better to do. I'm getting to the point where nothingness would be better than the way life is right now. I should be out of here by now. I graduated May of 05, over a year ago. I should be in college by now...I should have a lot of stuff by now. I know that time is the only answer to things but what the fuck?! I don't know if I should stay or if I should go. I want to go so bad, I really do. I want to pack my bags and get the fuck out of here. But...I have one lone reason for staying here. There remains one reason for me to stay here and never think about leaving again. But that reason is elsewhere in life. What do I do, honestly?

Tonight is a night were I realize somethings just utterly suck in life. Time is a wonderful thing. It can heal old wounds, mend broken bridges, ect, but it can also hurt. I'm torn between two lives right now. In one hand, I have the life I'm living right now. It's a good life, it has some regrets, but good. Then there is the life I want. In this life, the one thing I've desired for so long could be mine...-could- be. Do I go the easy route being given what I have or take the one I'd have to work for and possibly not get my heart's desire...?

It's been a long time, no? Well, I'll be stopping that. I'm going to start updating more often. Anyways, I'm so fed up with people these days. Idiots are getting away with having the greatest girls for themselves. Then the girls that aren't with idiots are so stuck up on being obsessive and not getting over them. It makes me wonder why I bother. Seriously. *Sigh* Oh well. Here's the greatest quote ever: ...That's right folks, Captain James T. Kirk is a Jew! Tell Mel Gibson to shove that Photon Torpedo up his ass! ~ Jason Alexander, "The Roast of William Shatner" on Comedy Central.

It was rare but cool. Kaitlin and I actually talked for a couple hours this morning and we were on the same wave length on everything. Everytime one of us said something, the other understood and could agree perfectly. It was fucking sweet.

It's 4:30 in the morning here and I'm updating my journal here out of the blue. It's strange, I know, but I just needed someone/something to talk to. I won't bore anyone with the details, but soemtimes I get this feeling that I'm just wasting my life, you know? I mean, I had all these dreams and aspirations, and now look at me. I'm going on 20 years old with nothing go for me. Two of my "friends", one a highschool drop out and the other a drug dealer (he didn't become one until her recently, long after we graduated so don't even know why I'm calling him a friend anylonger) have more going on in their lives than me. Hell! My little brother...even he has it going his way. *sighs* That's enough rambling. I'm too tired and I want to go play some more KHII.

Well, originally, my good friend Bailey and I were going to take a road trip to Chicago in August for Wizard World Chicago in the hopes of solicating our art work. But now...thanks to a talk with the ever cool Kaitlin and what not...we're reserving our convention trip for Ohayocon in January. Why? Because, as I was told, they would be more understanding of our art work since it is a convention for the fans by the fans. Though, I must admit, all it took was the thought of someone cosplaying as one of my characters to get me to go. Later all.

Ok...for now...no big post, I am just trying to figure out where I went wrong. I just want to know...

This will be my shortest entry ever: FINAL FANTASY ADVENT CHILDREN OWN OUR SOULS! BOW TO IT!! Also...Steven Blum + Vincent Valentine = Your death!!

Edited Saturday April 15, 2006 11:45 AM I'd written the jounral at about 3 in the morning. Upon retrospect...who cares? It's just a problem I have. Why do you people even care? You've got your own shit to worry about so I'm not burdoning anyone with it.

Bored. Bored. Lonely. Bored. Bored. *sighs* I hate this feeling I've got. Feeling of missing my friends and of what my heart longs for. It's not that I hate the feeling. I love what it does, the smile it give me when I think of them all. I hate that there isn't anything I can do to change the situation. Oh well. It's the way of life isn't it? It deals you a horribly bad hand and you're left with only two options: fold or play them, bluffing your way all the way through. The only question that races through my mind, though: Do I still have a good enough poker face?

Hey there, gang. I’m terribly sorry for not being around as much as I should have been lately. It’s been nearly 2 months (exactly 2 months come this Friday) since my last confession here. Heh...that’s what I’ve come to want to call this little entries. I feel I can call them that because no matter what I say here, I feel that possibly someone of meaning wills stumble across these and understand what I’m saying. It is in that remote moment of understanding, or the thought there of, that I find myself at peace. But before I try to bring any peace to what’s going on in my head, let me bring you up to speed on what I wrote in my last entry here: I WAS PLAYED LIKE A FINELY TUNED VIOLIN! Yup, you read it correctly. The whole fucking, pardon my language, was staged. The girl was never attacked. She never lost her memory. It was an accident. She twisted it all around to make those around her dance like stringed puppets for her amusement. In the center of it all was me. I was ready to go to bat for someone I thought was a dear friend only to find out in the end that I had the shroud of deceit placed over my eyes the entire time. I digress, though. It is done and over, a month of my life I’ll never get back, and there is nothing I can do to the contrary. No matter how angry I am, or how much I type, I still will have been played. All I can do is stick to my resolve to never let it happen again. Now, where was I...? Oh yes, my peace of mind. First, let me point out to anyone that cares, my year is almost over. May 28th, 2005 marked the first day of my year off. No worries about working or college, just a relaxing vacation. I recommend it to anyone about to graduate high school. Unless you’re on a probation like scholar ship (you have to use it in a set amount of time) or being forced by your parents/guardians to attend...take the time off! You’ve just spent 12 years of your life (14 if you count preschool and kindergarten) in classes, seven hours a day at five days a week. You need the time to make sure you know what you’re going to want to do with your life, to make sure you choose the paths with the least regrets. And thusly, that brings up my own path. I’ve always had one dream in mind: go to a fancy art college and become lead artist on a Spider-Man series, eventually becoming Editor-In-Chief of Marvel Comics. Lol...I’d also intended on doing all that by time I was 22. Well, folks, I’m 19 and have my “artistic talents” wrapped up in mainly anime/manga related works anymore. I love the art style and I love the technical prowess that comes with the job. Now, do I still see myself going to college anymore? *shakes head* No. Is that the absolutely best idea in the world? Probably not. I’m not saying that college isn’t in my future, I’ll more than likely take some summer courses this summer at USI. I’m just saying that, right now, if I’m to expand as an “artist”...I need to do it on my own time and at my own pace. I don’t need a college professor breathing down my neck for deadlines and themes. I just need to take it as it comes. And speaking of taking things as they come and expanding my “art”, I’m going to attempt to break away from anime/manga/comic work solely. The last, and only time, I’d ever done this when it wasn’t for a grade was a few months back. I’d done a piece as a surprise for someone rather special and I don’t think I did too bad at it. It was a piece I’d tried to do as realistically/semi-realistically like her as possible on my “talent”. I liked it and I hope she did as well. I was digging through some old sci-fi magazines and found some Star Trek pictures I’d like to draw of the cast. I figured I’m a Trekkie before anything else, might as well start there. ^_^ Now, before anyone jumps to conclusions, I said “solely”. That means I’ll still be doing what people have come to expect of me and my sketch book. Red Dawn and X~Cin~X still remain my top priorities as they are my babies. Well, RD is a joint custody with Belldandy and Sprite, the co-creators and primary writers. Lets see...I’ve talked about college, projects and my “art”. Those are three of the four things that have been weighing heavily on my mind as of late. The fourth one is somewhat more trickier to talk about. It isn’t so much something that can be talked about as it is something that can just be realized and let alone. Heh...I've edited this part 4 times now, and I still can word it properly. So, never mind I guess... *Sighs and looks at the time* It’s 3:00 AM here, ladies and gents. I suggest we all head to sleep. Live long and prosper...

Well, I haven’t been around much. My computer had fried on my over the weekend, not that it matters. I was kinda busy elsewhere. I got a call Thursday that Natasha was in the hospital. She was attacked by someone and she lost some of her memory. Aside from her own family, she mainly remembered me, Rob and his girlfriend (and her best friend) Tiffany. The three of us visited her at the hospital Thursday, they released her that day too. We basically spent every moment since then with her. She wouldn’t leave my side at all. Not that I’d want her to, though. Part of me blames myself for her attack. See, she goes for walks every so often and the last few times she’s done so she basically ran away. So I told her from then on to call me and I’d walk with her so she could cool off. She didn’t this time. If I had been with her I could have protected her. What’s the point of wanting to be Superman if you can’t even help one person...? *sighs* I’m sorry. What’s got me more frustrated is that I know who did this. Everyone does. But we have to proof. She can’t remember what happened that night so there isn’t anything we can do. But no one has any idea how hard it was for me when I saw the asshole. I wanted to beat him to a bloody pulp. So, if I’m not around for a while, it’s because I’m with Natasha.

It’s been a while, no? Well, at least a while since I updated with anything meaningful or heartfelt. Come on...new Inuyasha is only meaningful if you are into that. Even then it’s a long shot. But, yeah, should I really even update any longer? I mean...half the reason I would even update to begin with is gone. The other half isn’t around to even make a difference, no matter what I write. *sighs* I apologize greatly. I’ve had a lot of down time lately and have spent that time to do some thinking. Lol...I wish I were an Emo at times, then maybe my thoughts could be beneficial to some dark and dreary poetry or painting. At least then I could probably sell it or something for a few bucks. But I digress. I’m finding it increasingly harder and harder to actually stay true to myself. I mean, more and more, what is the point it? I keep getting told over and over that it’s what’s on the inside that counts, that a gentleman will make it further in this world than anyone. Yet, every time I turn around, the jerks are the ones that are winning. Their lies and idiocy are taken as gold, only eventually leading to heartache then to instant forgiveness, and the guys that speak the truth are considered joking. I mean, I did something...or rather said something...and I meant it with all my heart, yet it was treated as a joke. That’s fine, see what I care, I guess. I’m just one more stepping stone on the road, I suppose would be the finest analogy I can think of at the moment. This is complete randomness and totally off the topic at hand, but why is it that in every action movie of the 1990’s that had cops or gang leaders as the hero (or antihero)...they were perfect martial art masters? Their style, stance, ect is flawless, precise. I mean, I understand that in the police academy martial art training is one the perquisites to their over all experience. But when one unarmed man, who anyone would be an utter moron to actually believe a cop to begin with, is surrounded by more than a dozen armed men, all who supposedly have martial art training themselves , single handily beats them all...where the hell is the believability in that...?! And I’m not attempting to sound racist in the bit, though I know a few may take it as such, but I’d believe that from someone like Jackie Chan or Jet Lee, possibly even Brandon Lee were he still alive, before I would some steroid using European guy. Another note of randomness...what the fuck is up with Bio-Broly...?! I mean, yeah, I like it, but after watching it for like the twentieth...I’m starting to think that the writer was on crack or what ever drug was popular in the early 90’s over in Japan. The premise is fantastic! Finally someone is out trying to reveal Mr. Satan/Hercule as the fraud he is. Along the way, #18 is just trying to get her money for taking the dive in the World Martial Arts Tournament and gets mixed up in the attempt, along with Kid Trunks and Goten. That’s all fine and dandy. As a matter of fact, it’s a nice change from the usual invading villain of the week scenarios the movies usually in tale. But why Broly...for a third damn time? The first Broly movie was good enough as it had fast paced action and great music, though making Vegeta grovel like that pisses me off. Then again, I’ll still argue that if it wasn’t for Vegeta, Goku would never have defeated him. Second Coming was just an excuse to use grown up Gohan in a movie, and it was pretty good too. The second use of the Father-Son Kamahamaha, this time with Goku, Gohan and Goten was beautiful. Along with a Vegeta move performed by kid Trunks was a nice throw back to the original move during the Cell Games saga. But still it had no true point. Using Broly this third time turned a good idea into a crummy story of revenge that made even less sense than in Second Coming. If they had the desire to do something for another revenge piece, use Cooler again or Lord Slug. Sure, it’d be the third outing for Cooler, but at least he wasn’t a Super Sayian reject. I’m sorry again. I have spent the last week or so engrossed in various animes. I love the deep complexity of Fullmetal Alchemist or the angsty Cowboy Bebop, hell even sometimes boring Saiuki is great, but still you just want to watch an anime that is just there. No complex story lines that span the entire series, no drama that’s going to bring a tear to your eyes, but something just for fun. So, occasionally, lately, I’ve been watching animes like Dragon Ball/Z/GT and Lupin III. And before anyone says anything, there is absolutely nothing wrong with Lupin! He is just a highly acquired taste. You either love him or you hate him. He’s far more than a perverted stick figure. You’ve just got to have an open mind and watch more than just a mere episode. *sighs* To each their own, I suppose. God, I’m just rambling now. Everyone’s probably stopped reading by now, um? I guess I’m just going on and on lately with nothingness to take my mind away from what’s really troubling me. It’s a flawed human trait. Oh well, just another flaw to hold me back, I suppose. One final thing....Jess, hope you’re feeling fine! Haven’t spoke with you in ages and such. Guess I’ll see ya when I see ya, right? Later, all.

*looks around* Damn...it’s been rather boring the last few days. I don’t I shouldn’t take offense to it, and God damn it I do try not to, but....what the hell is the problem with me...?! Honestly?! I can’t get a single one of my friends to do anything with me for weeks on end, then when a small hand full of them do want to do something all they do is complain about everything that I am. I draw too much. I spend too much time/money on anime. The one big thing though that got to me in the last few days...insult me...insult my art (god, they have...and at great lengths this weekend)...criticize my driving...call me fat...make me feel like a complete idiot for loving anime...but don’t you ever...---EVER---...fucking bad mouth someone that I like when I‘m around. And I don’t mean friend like, either. *sighs* That pissed me off so bad. It’s bad enough that they have to remind me that I’ve got no chance, but to just go off like that.... Actually, I had a lot more that has beat me down lately, but that’s the part that really hurts the most. *calms a bit* I apologize. I haven’t really what you say spoken this weekend. I’ve been utterly silent. The only way anyone would know what I am thinking/feeling is my shifting through my sketch book. I’ve got so much stuff that I love and can’t believe I could even pull off, but I’m never going to share it because it’s very personal and close to my heart. Sometimes I just want to disappear for a while, you know? I mean, one or two people might miss me, but that’s all. If it was even noticed I’d be shocked. *sighs* I’m jolting. I wanted to say a lot more than this, but I can’t find the proper words to explain myself. Later.

Well, I really haven’t had a real reason to want to update lately. Nothing ever seems important. Not feelings, or thoughts, or random rants. And no, I’m not saying that because I’ve suddenly gone emo on you all. *sweat drop* Never anything like that. It’s just that anything of value to say can be said to those around to hear it or within my art. Although, one good thing to say...tonight at 11:30 PM, my time...*cough* ahem....BRAND SPANKING NEW INUYASHA ON ADULT SWIM!!!!!!!!!!! This is the last run of brand new episodes ever on AS. This might not be something of interest to those that love their anime in original Japanese format, but some of us enjoy the American voice actors. So, remember, Tuesday night...January 2nd...11:30 PM Central Time...NEW INUYASHA. Later, bois and gurls.

Well, what can I say? It’s New Year’s Eve and while everyone is out partying, I’m doing my usual solo act. I was “invited” (only because of who I’m the brother of) to some sort of gathering of folks for a New Year’s countdown thing. But, frankly, I only like one person that’s going to be there, hate more than four of them and barely tolerate the others. Besides, it seems that I’ve got this sign over my head that says to ignore me in person. So, why go to some stuffy party and sit in the corner while I draw when I could be in the comfort of my own home and enjoying some anime and online chatting? Lets see...what did I do for Friday, though, um? Well, I woke up from another perfect dream thanks to Kit claws digging into my chest on accident. *sighs* I couldn’t get back to bed so I spent about 4 hours downloading anime music and anime music videos. Then I proceeded to watch the Ghostbusters movies for some strange reason and still have that damn theme song stuck in my head. Fast forwarded through boring details and driving in the rain and I end up at Putt-Putt some how. God, what a great way of wasting time. The only key point to this day was that a.) I’ve finally got the definitive Dominique design near completion and b.) Tucker gave me a limited edition Belldandy cell phone strap medallion as a belated Christmas gift. *wipes off glasses and yawns, stretching some* Well, it’s 5:25 am here...I really need to actually get to bed for a little bit. I just got home from playing 6 hours straight of Guitar Hero. *Sigh* Yeah...fun. Besides, I’ve got some thinking to do and I’d not be able to do it with the distraction of the computer here. I’ll be sure to post more later today. So, as usual, later bois and gurls! Random Quote: (Yeah, another X~Cin~X quote...) Cin: I know that we don’t deserve to survive if we can’t put up a decent fight, but I’ll be damned if I am trying to fight while you all sit around on your pampered asses and do nothing! I’m out here trying to fight to protect not only myself and my species but the woman I love. I say... Dominique: *interrupting* Cin...kiddo...you’re starting to sound like a bad anime “hero”. Cin: *is quiet then speaks up* Define your usage of the term bad...

I’ll never understand dreams. I really won’t. Some can be as clear as day, but others are black as night. For two nights now, I’ve had the same fantastic dream. I’m at an anime convention cosplaying as Roy Mustang on stage. That, in itself is strange enough, as I’m a Maes Hughes fan. Don’t believe, look at the diary theme here...! But what is truly strange is that I am on stage with ... a girl ... who is dressed up as Edward Elric and we’re singing Larc-en Ciel’s Ready~Steady~Go! in a contest. I don’t know if we win or not because just as they are announcing the winners, I pull her up and kiss her, my mind totally drowning out everyone and everything else. I’m not saying I hate or dislike that dream. Far from it as I totally love it. I just hate it that it’s only a dream, you know...? *sighs* Well, on a tad bit lighter note, I was offered the chance to take over work on a webmanga. If I do it, I’ll get $100 a month plus fees since I’d be redesigning pre-existing characters in my design. I really want to say yes to this, but two things are holding back. First, and foremost, being that this is a zombie comic/manga and I’m currently in the process of doing my own zombie book. Now, I am just worried that there might be a conflict of interest if the writer comes up with an idea I’m going to be using in my own project. My first priority should be to my own work, right? Second, and not so important, is that I’m worried I might not have what it takes to actually pull it off. *blinks* Damn...I’d talk more, but I got to run. I hate Fridays since I’m always stuck with people I hate, but it’s the last Friday of most of everyone’s winter break and New Year’s weekend which means I’m stuck with twice as many of them. *sighs* Wish me luck. Later, bois and gurls. Random Quote: Dominique: You look gay. Cin: I do not. Dominique: Spiked collar...leather straps...greased up hair...yeah, you look gay. Cin: I.DO.NOT! Dominique: I’m not complaining so don’t get so angry. Besides... *winks* ...you look kinda cute that way...

Pop quiz, kiddies. What do Ghost in the Shell‘s Major, ghosts, zombies and an otaku have in common? Figure out the answer to that and you’ll realize why I’m heading to bed in one extremely great mood. Later, kiddies!

No matter what you celebrate, HAPPY HOLIDAYS! May all your wishes and desires come true. If not, give me a ring and we’ll beat down the jolly fat man in the red jumpsuit. ^__^ Later! ((Actual diary entry is below))