Nevermore

by sweettooth
Here's a song I wrote a long time ago that I've recently re-discovered: I've wasted all my years My efforts disappeared Farewell to all I know I'm sorry that you have to go Away All alone Still unknown Too young to know that love can go I wish I'd grown so long ago I've wasted all my smiles To make it worth the while It's so hard to pretend I can't believe this is the end Nevermore Too young to know that love can go I wish I'd grown so long ago Keep me in your heart No..... keep me far apart Come visit then go away Wait... I need you Why can't you stay?
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other relationships he had photos of me and him up all over his walls and on his shelves. he had my letters out on his desk and he saved my emails. i mean, the boy was way into me, it wasn.t my fault that he had trouble in his first relationship, i had a silly little crush on him and he is the one that started getting involved with me, emotionally, and he is the one that kept telling me he.d break up with her tomorrow, and then when he didn.t he
oh and i am okay, i.m on bed rest for a while until they can see if i am going to be okay. i can do little things but i just can.t over exert myself.
anything... now i run into these people who were supposed to hang out with me one day but all said they couldn.t and this is why... irun into them at the block and they are with my pretty friend i introduced them to. kind of shitty. you think? i do. so anyway, that is kind of the premis for this entry.
is so beautiful, very very gorgeous, i will never look half as pretty or sexy or cute or anything as her. she will always look better no matter what the look i.m going for is. i know this, she know.s this, everyone know.s this. okay, so everyone wants her. everyone forgot about me as soon as i introduced them to her. seriously like twenty people i used to talk to everyday completely forgot i exist. they don.t call they don.t email or i.m. or
appreciate him the way i used to. things have changed, like you said. feelings have changed.

but now, sorry for telling you that whole story, i know it was long and probably a waste of your time.

but here is why i made this entry now. it.s cos i have been deserted by all my friends. not all but many. people who i thought were my friends but really never were. that is a better way to say it cos that is more accurate. there is this girl, she
first instead of me. i was always second. and i still am. and i fear that i always will be. but you know what, i.ve moved on. and even though i still love him and care for him, i will never want to be with him cos i know that he will never understand what he put me through and i will never understand what i have put him through. we.ll never understand eachother cos he has other priorities and i will never be able to appreciate him the way i used
hard to get. he says it is my fault, that i am the reason he gets drunk every night, cos he has no point in doing anything with his life now that i am not a part of it. he is doing this to give me a big guilt trip and you know what, it.s working. anyway, as much as he said i was always first to him, there was always a girlfriend that he had...((long term girls)) and then there was weed and alcohol which i regret ever showing him, and they became
guys/men whatever. i knew it hurt him, what i didn.t know was that i was hurting me as well. well, i have always been very depressed, clinically not well. and he knew this. we had this charade of getting back at eachother and that is what most of our relationship consisted of. it.s hard to say the feelings weren.t there cos i still have feelings for this boy, even though he is wasting his life away and ruining his schollarship that he worked so
would say i.ll do it tomorrow, or tonight or whatever. well it took a year. i waited a year. silly and dumb, i know, but i really thought he was the guy i was going to marry. that sounds rediculous to me now cos i can.t imagine myself marrying anybody i know right now, especially not billy. but really, my heart was all his. he made me wait so i made him jealous by going out and kissing other boys and eventually going out and sleeping with other
out of fifty one i left thirty three comments.

i.m sorry
girls all the time, he went out and started dating this one girl and i mean, he really liked her and everything but he always teased me by telling me he was still in love with me and i.d always be the first in his eyes. and i did everything i could at the time possible to win him back. i broke him and his first girlfriend up and apparently, according to him i am a big part of him and his second girlfriends break up as well. even during these
and naiive right now. i wouldn.t be who i am. i think for the worse. so i thank him for being a part of my life, and i am sad that he is too immature to want to be my friend. but then i understand. cos i know that i really hurt him and multiple times. but i am not the only bad guy in this game. he hurt me plenty a time as well. he went after my best friend, kissed her, he held her hand in front of me all the time, he told me about these other
that we.ve done to eachother. i.ve hurt him both on purpose and accident and he has done the same to me. i never went and hurt him for no reason, it was always to'get back' or 'prove him wrong' or whatever, but still, it does not justify anything i.ve done to the boy. i regret ever hurting him or making him sad and sometimes ever meeting him. but i have to remember if i didn.t meet him then i never would have learned and i would be so immature...
problems just s any other 'couple' especially teenage couple. well i had so many personal problems that i couldn.t deal with his and he was the same way. we were on and off for so long and there were so many heartbreaks and aches that we ended up hating each other. but we still love each other. does that makes sense? i mean, if anything were to happen to the other we.d be there in a heart beat, but we are disgusted with the other for everything
i.m sorry that you.ve felt that way before. actually, you.re going to laugh at me when i tell you what i meant by this entry. but before i tell you i don.t want you to feel dumb about saying you know how i feel cos there is another situation i am in that i feel the same exact way. the only thing is that i don.t like or love this guy anymore. for nearly four years i was totally in love with this guy, him in love with me as well, but we had our ...
no don.t be sorry, why are you sorry?

and no i did not find out what is wrong with me. i will get results in three days.
i.m well or okay or spectacular, you choose. uhm, i.m tired and full. and sick of being hungry. and glad i.m away from the hospital and that i don.t have to be there for another three days.
anyone intresting online?
[Anonymous]
oh and your welcome.

and i.m in a nice mood. so yeh. sorry
for being smart.
That was a good one! I am being such a cheapskate right now, using the internet at the library, cuz I hate my home... But yeah... I guess we all really want to be the same...

I am doing alright. How about you? Got any new songs or peoms or anything? I met a really cool friend on Sitdiaries. His name is Matt. He keeps me busy when I'm bored... Cuz I am a lot...

Well, have a great day, Mister!
hey dear, you.re fantastic
Hey there! Never want to stop by and say hi, huh?! J/K So, what's new with you? I am just kinda doing nothing. Just leaving nonsense comments in peoples diaries... Well, bye!!! Hope to get a comment from you soon!
*Sarah*
thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you
RYN: nope im not talkin to n e one special heh ttyl
[Anonymous]
RYN: nope im not talkin to n e one special heh ttyl
[Anonymous]
hey you are on. how are you love?
I don't think they have one yet. they're kinda in the making. but they had like a contest on danradcliffe.co.uk where people can come up with names for their band. =)
[Anonymous]
talkin to ppl not wanting to go to sleep
[Anonymous]
yes. Daniel Radcliffe who plays Harry Potter is in a band =)
[Anonymous]
hey wat u up too
[Anonymous]
hey =)
[Anonymous]
i like their song zero.
[Anonymous]
err. i.m sorry.

and yeh i thought i was the only one who has remaining feelings for a first love. i.m silly.

but hey, sorry again. i feel bad

and thanks for giving me the time of day. but i don.t deserve it.
so you're a lyricist/guitar player? you could be the next... john mayer. or something along those lines. i really liked the song though

love always,
hay
[Anonymous]
thanks for the sincerity in everything. uhm, he is my biological dad, not my dad who raised me so uhm, it.s not 'okay' per se, but it.s alright, if that makes any sense? uhm, my illness, i.m not quite sure what the severity is cos the doctors just found out new things tonight as a matter of fact. they are thinking new things and referring me to a new specialist. if it helps then that.s cool. they are thinking it could be caused from my eating...
Hey you!

That's so funny how you said that your entries are all fake (with some exceptions) cuz..... ah..... I don't know, I just thought that it was funny. Well, I do like your peoms and songs. And I don't live by the ocean. I just go there a lot. I love it. And the hot lifegaurds! Not like you needed to know that! Sorry. Just got excited. Cuz I'm going there tomorrow! Hopefully there will be no more sharks!
Your friend, Sarah
Aloha, Andy!
Yeah, I'm getting too lazy to write in my diary. I'll get to it! But I just went to the beach yesterday, and I swam out in the ocean, and the lifeguard on the jet ski said that I had gone out too far, and there were sharks out there! So I had to go back to shore. I got a sunburn, but it is becoming a nice tan. What's up with you? Oh, I can just read your diary and find out, huh?! I'll do that now! Thanks for the comment, Andy!
thanks love, that.s sweet.
i write a lot when i.m upset.
it.s just that there is nothing i can do right now to fix anything. and all i do now is think which makes things that much worse. with my dad in the hospital and me being ill without a precise diagnosis things have been crazy in my mind. it.s like sometimes i just want to scream but i can.t cos there are people around. err. sorry, i.m bothering you. sorry.
thanks hun.
sorry that you know what that is like
and i hate emotional attachments
but i feel bad like i am waiting for my prince charming to come and sweep me off my feet and i don.t deserve it. so yeh. it.s lame. i.m lame. whatever.
it.ll all work out.
right now i am more concerned with other things. eh. times kind of blow right now, glad to know i have good friends to get me through it. : ]
yeh so have a wonderful day adn thanks!
in my craziest dreams, yes.
but in all reality, no, he.s my friend with an emotional attachment.
Hello, you!
How is everything going? Likin the guitar, man! Lovin the song that you wrote. Very nice... Well, Adios!
-Sarah
alright yeah, no one can top hendrix.. he's awesome.. but good luck with that.. you give your own name fame. :) haha, ttyl
xo-hay
[Anonymous]
disorders which is something i could kick myself for. my doctor wants me to tell my parents that i have problems with food which i can.t do. : [ i am not that strong nor am i that stupid.
yeh well at the doctors tonight they ran some more tests, two ekg.s and some x-rays and blood work and i even had to pee in a cup, that always makes me laugh. haha. all sorts of stuff was wrong :[ so that.s no good. but tomorrow i am supposed to go back at ...
interesting....it describes my life to a tee. lol. the past is so hard to deal with. gah, sometimes i wish it'd just go away. u did an awesome time writing it..keep it up! God bless, *manda*
Awesome song!!! I thought it was really good!!! Keep on writin!
~Emmy
oh yeh i wrote it
today as a matter of fact
nope, never read it before, i wish i had cos i get really down sometimes
and i feel like giving up and then i realise if i give up on me then i give up on him and he needs me right now and i hope he always wants me not only when he needs me or else i think i really will give up on me again and i think that will be the death of me. honestly
did i write this when?
Nicely done. It’s very good.
Nicely done. It’s very good.
haha, glad i could make you feel better. yeh it makes me feel better too cos i.m in a state where i need to make myself feel better or else i.m afraid i.ll run away from this. i.m horrible when it comes to guys. i have a terrible anxiety dissorder and a nervous disposition like there.s no tomorrow so i have to remind myself this nervousness is not a reason to quit on him.
aww, that.s sweet. it.s sad. :[
but well written.
nine thirty a.m. and re-take the ekg test and urine sample and blood work to see if my sodium has gone down at all and to see if there is still unknown chemicals in my blood and to see if my heart rate is still fluctuating with my irregular breathing technique. haha. geez, they love me i swear. i went to the doctors at six tonight and i just got home at ten forty eight. wow. long time. i only live a few minutes from the place. heh.
then i have a different doctor.s appt. tomorrow after my morning appointment to run other tests, i am supposed to get checked for like every std ever known to man to make sure i am clean ((which i am)) and to get my birth control and such.... blah blah blah, boring stuff. but that is going to take forever. i mean hours... endless hours. no joke. i hate planned parenthood. so slow. and then my dad is getting surgery on his bronchial tube tomorrow
and that means anasthesia ((sp?)) which could mean he will never wake up cos his body is really weak so they are hesitant about doing this surgery, but if they don.t then everything he needs to breathe will shut down and he.ll suffocate himself to death. so it.s a risk we have to take, which is really scary for me cos i am just now going to meet him for the second time in my life and i am seventeen and there are things i need to know and ...
questions i have to ask and stuff that has to be settled and a hug i need in order to understand that he forgives me for being a horrible person.
you know? it kind of sucks




sorry for all my rambles. really sorry, but it felt good to get it all off my chest. i.m about to burst.
aww yey. thanks so much for that, it made me feel so much better love.
and thanks a ton, i most certainly will let you know how tomorrow goes.
most definitely love, i will do that.
I wihs I could write like that. *claps* Keep up the good work :oP
[Anonymous]
i really liked your song
-Joanna-
[Anonymous]
my kidneys are bad
that is what happened. if you want to hear it all i.ll tell you later but i don.t have time right now.
thanks for caring, that means a lot.
GREAT SONG! :)
-lizzy
[Anonymous]
wow..you are VERY talented. awesome lyrics.
[Anonymous]
hey hows it going?
yes, you're absolutely right..thanks for the comment! so here's what i'm thinkin...i'm not sure if i like this guy or not but i kinda messed things up - so do i try and start over even if i'm not sure i want to? hmmm...he's actually a really nice guy and he'd be a great bf i'm sure...but idk if i like him in that way. gah, i'm gonna start over. lol. take care & God bless! *manda*
hehe thank u alot
yes. i like the smashing pumpkins.
[Anonymous]
hello. i am bored, so i am leaving you a comment.
[Anonymous]