ok, so i havent written in a long while but i have a ligitamate excuse. band. it takes up all my time. my brother is getting married on sunday and my mom threw her back out. not good. it is only me and my mother living at my huge house, which i hate because the more to clean and it sux because i have 2 rabbits, 3 birds, a dog and a fish. so i need to take care of my animals and well, my mom. which is technically another animal in my eyes but whatever. my school is going very good but i am tired of people being assholes but that will never change. i havent had a boyfriend in almost 11 months now. since novemnber. so this realy sucks because today at lunch i was outside at my tree writing and at the bench next to me is this realy skinny blonde gril making out with this guy. go figure typical. so here i am at my tree, the tree i sit at morning, 11:30, and afternoon, and im writing about how lucky people are to be in a good relationship but they dont even notice it bcause they are too busy abusing the privlage. so yea... and today in health class i stood up for someone because they were making fun of him so i was like, do you realy enjoy making fun of him so much, and the person behind me was all like, do you realy enjoy being depressed so much. i dont care what she sais though because that is the girl that QUIT band. so it realy doesnt matter what she sais, but that realy got me htinking. im already on medication but i am just so stressed out. its hard. and it realy SUCKS. !

i am talking to the one and only and what do you know, he is in love....so i found my prince, but he already found his princess. so that is me...cindarella with a twist...school is a bitch becuase of all the dueschbags in my classes and band is harder than ever and i just want to quite everything...say fuck this, fuck that...whatever...im out because im too sad to write right now and im talking to my prince, but only, about his princess.....and it hurts more than slitting your throat with a thumbtack....

ok...my mom was out of town for the nightlast night and i wanted to have fun so badly but what did i tell you...i talked to him for hours and i was sooo happy about that..i still havent had a boyfriend in 10 months and it really sux. my birthday is in 7 days and i just dnt know what to do. i want friends, i want a boyfriend, and i want to have fun. no, what i realy want, is to smile and mean it. so im just sitting here, writing, which i LOVE to do, i have to go to work at 5 and i wanna just go to my room and cuddle with my giant teddy bear but i cant do that because i want to write and cuddling is a lot better with someone tha can cuddle back. now i feel like SHIT...im gonna go...bye..

so heres the deal for today...made 2 dessers for a band party that i am probably regret going to because i don't even know how to have fun and just loosen up, and last party i went to i was sitting in the corner writting the whole time. so somebody tell me the defintion of fun please? my past is a wreck. i tried killing myself 2 times and it really sucks now because i have all the scars to deal with and i look at them every day and regret not being able to see him...if i saw him none of this would have happened. if i knew how to have fun and get him out of my mind this would never have happened. someone get me drunk and stoned please so i can never think of the pain my body feels. i have never drank...well once when i was 11...and that was a SIP of vodka...ooo...so bad...i used to smoke...ciggaretts, not weed, i never had weed or any other drug so somebody come to my rescue and take me away and show me how to have a good time...please? i havent had a boyfriend in 10 months and im so lonely and sad...i have the experience of like, a 22 year old and i want to just go out and have fun, but i just....dont know how.... -.- ~*sigh*~

ok...i am really pissed right now becuase i just went to pinas party for band and as i said many times before, i dont know how to have fun....i hate stephanie a lot ...she is a bitch and briana and i just...grrr...ok so me and briana were going to go paddle boating and once we saw the thing we were like oh! next time they get off me and you are geting on...so we hung out and i went in the hot tub...she went to go hang out with anime bitch (stephanie)...so i got in the hot tub and everyone left...FUCK YOU TOO!!!! then a different group fo ppl came in like my band buddy and her boyfriend...and some other people i didnt know so we played truth or truth...wierd...and two truths and a lie and it boiled down to truth or dare...but nothing happend and it was so stupid becuase everyone picked truth, but when we played truth pr truth they all wanted dare...?... wierd....so like, i never even went...boring...then the paddle boat was available and stephanie was like me, briana, catharine, and sylviane are going...excuse you? me and briana were going and you invited yourself and catharine...then briana told me that stephanie and cathatrine were coming but no i couldnt say no...then stephnaie had the NERVE to say that me and her were going to be paddling...then she changed it to only her and catharine...BITCH...then briana and stephanie got on the paddle boat and they got on one side so you know what stephanie said as it ws tipping to that side? "quick sylviane, get on and help balance it out!" at that point i was just soooo pissed and angry i just flipped...i just screamed with a whole bunch of ppl behind me, why becuase im so fat and you need to me weigh you guys out to be fucking even!?...and left...i hope she rotts in hell along with those no good so called friends of mine....i told you i dont know how to have fun....and every time i went in the pool and hot tub everyone got out...and powule...i dont know how to spell that...always go o o wee wee...cuz i speak french....now i hate him becuase i just hate how he mocks me, i kicked him and i left,...then when i went to get my towel a little later he rolled out his arm like i was a princess entering the room...RUDE...i just need to have FUN but i really dont know how !!!!! GRRRRRRRRR HELP ME PLEASE CLAIRE OR SOMEONE OR JUST GRRRR ....bye

MY BIRTHDAY IS LIKE, IN 9 DAYS!!! >.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>!<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

i just realised my birthday is in 10 days and like....wow omg...im turning 14 and like, if you want to get me anyting for my brithday get me a plane tickeet..lol...it explains it in my last entry..wow! i just realized my birthday is so soon...september 11...its on the crapiest day, but whatever...i still miss him because i just wrote that whole segment about 10 minutes ago, not even so...i still have hte feeling...bye

ok, so let me explain this one situation. ..5 summers ago i met him...and i thought i was in love because of the feeling i got when i was around him and it was just so....amazing. i have only seen him once though and i was sumpposed to go and see him this summer it fell through. i was talking to him online the other day and like, he sent me these two songs, silverchair- miss you love, and digital love by daft punk. all the time i have known him e has been hiding because this one time we were talking when he sent those songs i asked him, have you ever wanted to just send someone songs to express yourself, and he said thats another issue i dont wanna talk aobut and thats kind of obvious. i have been single for 10 months now, and i really want a boyfriend to commit myself to, and when you feel like you are in love for how ever many years, thats really hard. i have tried so many things to go see him and its nearly impossible. well then i asked him why did you send me those songs. he said thats another thing i dont want to discuss. i said you do miss me and love me dont you, he said dont, and you know what.... he does because just at that time i knew he started crying with the name he put as his display name... today i had a breakdown and i was about to steal my moms car and just drive there although his mom hates me, my brothers and my family think we are related and just everything seems to thig we are two negative magnets when i just know that everything happens for a reason and god has my faith in his hands!! about a year ago i lost contact with him and i went onto this website myspace, this girl stephanie wanted to be my firned and what do you know, she was my friend....so maybe it was a message form god? i know it sounds korny and sheap but really think about it because now we are talking about him missing me and he has NEVER admitted anything that deep and i never saw his sensitive side. i would give an arm and a leg to see him and trust me, i have thought of the pain and i have thought of the disabilities i owuld have and i am willing to take that risk just so my heart and head would be hapy and happy with a reason and so i could smile and truly mean it. wow...i wrote a lot... i really miss him and words cant even describe. you know, my most often dream is my knocking on his door and just starring at his face and kissing him in the rain...isnt that ever girls dream? but mine is differnet because i actually know what his face looks like, ever detail and his lips and his eyelashes and its just so sweet and i just miss him and i wish i could tell my family how much i do but they wont listen to me. me as a perfectionist should know how many run on sentences and mmistakes i made in this entrie but i am just so caught upp in my day dreams i dont seem to care.... i miss him and thats what im gonna end on.......

wow. ok . so i guess my first entry was a hit in not even one minute. for some reason i just got a flashback to last, no two easter breaks ago.i was at my dumbass fathers house and a lot happened, not with him, but with this girl crystal. it was fun, not bad. plus i just wathed a preview of thumbsucker so it just REALY brrought it back. i met this kid james and he just realy gave me attention and so did another kid robert. im not bragging TRUST ME. hell, i havent had a boyfriend in 10 months. my first kiss was by james and the next day he was all like by the way, this girl asked me out right after i got home so bye. then i found out robert liked me, the only thing was, i told him i was 16. so that was all hell in the end and i really liked him. so........ i really miss having a boyfriend becuase i have no one to hold me and here, everyone counts on looks. i am fat and ugly, and i dont care what my "friends" say, i am. i weigh a lot, i am obese. i am ugly. i look like my ass. but i am smart and everything so its ok becasue whoever sais im ugly, they can bite me becuase only i can say it. ;). no but seriously. last night i went to a party, dont get me wrong now, it wasnt like aprty whooo dance on tables strip and get drunk. there wasnt any alchohol. it was for some kids in band. im in guard. it was a birthday party, kind of. but it was more fun than that because our band parties are fun like that. we were practically making likea pon video. no just kidding. but i have this gay friend, chris, and like, alaina and claire, who is also on guard , they're cool, always are like hey babe and they always like sit on his lap to say the last beacuase hes gay and its fun. me, i wouldnt do anything like that becuase i just think im so fat and ugly i think he would just like jump away and run screaming iwww iwww and shit like that. when i was in 6th grade 2 guys came up to me and asked me out and started laughing and walked away. and just this ast year, only a few months ago i had trouble getting in this desk becuase my pruse was in my way because i use a bookbag as my purse and this kid dave who weighs just as much as me goes whats hte matter, you cant fit in the desk? asshole. ok. honestly, im not that fat. im like average. i just have just low self esteem that i only seee myself as a 300 pound cow. but last night was fun and now i wasnt to just start allowing myself to have fun and i just read my last entry and im not 20!!! im 13!!!! omg!!!!!!!! its pissing me off... whatever though..ok well tell me what you think...bye

just so you know. i am not anti - social. i just dont like to talk a lot. i love to write. i love to listen to music while i write. it inspires me. i love art. i love art more than writting. if my room was an art gallery, i could feed off of that and i could live thousands of years without watre or food and still would live through an evrlasting drought but still survive. just from art. i like nene thomas, amy brown, dark natasha is ok, i like georgia o'keefe. i think i am somewhat good too. i like to listen to classical music and almost any kind of music. i hate rap though because i think talking about sex and drugs is really provocative. i could have a dispute about that for hours. if you would like to just email me and bring it bitch. :). well then lets see. i am 13 and i study psychology already. i pretty much have my future planned out for me already. havent had a relationhship in 10 months, havent ever sexually expressed myself. never drank. used to smoke. had a very enlightening past that showed me how to open my eyes and see the real world. so i did and now i wish you would open your pretty blue eyes and see it. its quite fast. well. i could talk for hours although im not really talking i feel like i am. interesting, i am talking to myself thorugha computer, only i am enlightening whoever has the time to read this a little about my ensipring life {cough~cough~choke}. well then. i am going to go becuase i am scaring myself a little shitless. l8r. leave a comment so i know you were here. or just say i was here or like...whatever....