I don't know how else to express my feelings, besides writing (or typing in this case). It's hard for me to open up to my friends because im afraid they won't understand or they'll just take it as a joke. Lately i've been feeling kinda down, at times i'm happy, but then I think about the one thing that makes me sad...Jonathan. If you knew me real well, you'd know I get attached to things and people real quick and easily. Jonathan was my boyfriend this summer. I seriously felt that he was "the one". Ya, i'm young, but it's my senior year and i'm getting to that stage where I wanna find who i'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I felt as if we were perfect with eachother, our personalities went great together. We balanced eachother out, when I would take things to seriously he'd be there to lighten up the mood. He even cried with me one nite, when I started crying because of some mean things my dad said the night before. He understood me, and I was able to talk to him about everything without feeling embarrassed or ashamed. I was even his first. He wasn't mine, but meeting him and being so close to him in that way, made me wish I waited. He knew it wasn't my first time, and he was ok with that and I felt lucky to be able to be his first. I spent my whole summer with him, and if I wasn't with him I was talking to him. I rarely saw my friends because I wanted to be with him all the time. He even talked to my mom and called her "suegra" (mother-in-law in spanish) my mom liked him too, she was always asking...Where's Jonathan? I was like geeze mom, you like him more than me...and we'd just laugh. I even spent my 17th birthday with him and his family (the nite of our "first" time..."together together"). Then the day came when he said he needed time to think about things, I told him that I understood and I had been feeling the same way. I never felt that way, but I guess I lead him to believe that because I didn't want to hurt inside and I knew I wouldn't make it. To make things worse he'd still call me, and talk to me as if we were still together, he'd still sing for me and tell me how much he loved me and cared about me and how he didn't want to hurt me. He kept saying he wanted to get back together...and I don't understand why we never did. Until this day...I hurt real bad inside. I know you're thinking...this girl falls "in love" with every boyfriend she has, but no I don't. I really felt that way about him, and I know he did too. However, I do have doubts because it went away so fast...not for me, but it seems like for him it did. So maybe that "love" was never there. I hurt so bad that I felt that I had to be with all these guys to make me feel better about myself. But I wanted the comfort that I got from him and nobody ever got close to it. Nobody knows all this stuff...i'm glad I can let it out this way, instead of being scared to talk to my friends about it. I hope I get over it soon, because I don't want and I don't need this kind of distraction in my life, especially now; my senior year in high school. Maybe one day he'll understand how much he hurt me...I don't wish any bad upon him, but I do want him to know that he changed me...maybe for the better, i dont know yet, but I am a very different person because of him. I guess I should learn how to not get too attached but when you have something as great and beautiful as I did...it's very hard not to.