sometimes i feel as though one day everyone will just get sick of me. or bored of me. and just decide that theyre done with me and move on. some of the ppl i care about the most culd live without me just fine. im 16 and still havent made out with anyone. idk if u culd possibly imagine how stupid i feel admitting that. even knowing it myself embarasses me...its like letting myself down i guess? or..letting down my selfesteem. and quite frankly, im not sure that my self esteem has ever been too high in the first place. everytime someone tells me that im pretty or that they have feelings for me, i think theyre lying. im basically a failure at this point in my life. i have had one boyfriend, im worth shit on the colorguard even tho i never thot i was that bad, i bring down those around me, and sometimes on purpose becuz it makes me feel better...which is horrible in itself. i dont know what the hell im doing with my life. i have horrible grades most of the time becuz i really just dont give a shit. or thats what i act like...i really do care a lot and i want good grades and stuff and then when i have the opportunity to have good grades im liek eh i dont care and i throw it all away. im basically ignorant on most subjects that actually matter. id be surprised if i culd actually carry on an intelligent conversation. for some reason i have the biggest problem with authority and listening to what people tell me to do. my parents and family think i hate them half the time becuz i guess im either bitchy or independent. the bitchiness is becuz im irritable as fuck around them i guess. the independentness is just how i am. my mom thinks i hate her becuz i dont tell her everything. or anything. she thinks that i go out and do drugs and have sex. how culd i possibly do that? she keeps me under fucking lock and key. the fact that she does that is the reason i am going to be uncontrolable in college. and i guess thats not really a good idea, cuz fucking up in college is like fucking up the rest of your life, but since when have i cared? i fuck up all the time. and i guess thats the attitude thats getting me where i am. no where. and its funny, cuz i realize all of this, yet i continue to go on with my pointless bullshit filled life. i am always thinking and ive figured out that i just confuse myself more. i end up worrying about things that i culdnt change even if i killed myself trying. some stuff that i spend my time worrying about does kill me. the fact that theres some people i culd never have. and i guess thats just cuz im young and ignorant and whatnot..cuz i mean..love at this point in someones life is like..not exactly pointless...but ive heard/seen of ways that it all falls apart instantly and everyone always moves on. but wat if they dont? what if i havent or never do? i dont know...i still dont even have my permit and im 16. i culd have had my license by now for like 2 months. but nooo..i chose to throw away opportunities. im good at that, throwing things away. i just hope that one day when the right things and people come along in my life, that i dont throw them away too.