Listening to: none
Feeling: nostalgic
my heart pounds in my chest as i tell myself there's no turning back now. just moments earlier, i could have, but now it's too late for that. i'm having doubts and have to stop thinking about them. i flip through a book with a 120 some cds and pick out the loudest one i can find. i blast the music through my headphones for the next several hours, to blast the doubt out of my mind, to keep my heart from exploding in my chest.
i try to relax and it gets alittle easier the farther away i get. i realize that i can't turn back and need to stop worrying about it. i tell myself that i will take things as they come and right now, i need not worry cause there's nothing i can do.
small talk made between two strangers is about as exciting as watching cookies bake in my oven, but it's all i have to fill my time with. she's a larger lady that looks fashionably challenged, but who am i to talk. our talks of movies, weather, and traveling put my mind at ease and push away the awkwardness for the time being.
the miles and minutes go by fast, and before i know it, it's dark. what had me worried hours before has now passed and i can relax and close my eyes. the knot in my stomach is gone and my breathing comes easier.
i lay my head down on my knees and try to get some sleep, but sleep doesn't come easy. i've been sitting in this chair for hours, and my body aches from lack of a comfortable position. the time starts to pass slowly as my eyes get heavier, but sleep still doesn't come and these headphones are my best friend.
i look out the windows every few minutes, hoping to see the sun rising. it takes much longer than i expected, because we are further south. it is still pitch black out and i see nothing but the lady sitting next to me. she passed out some time ago and has started snoring. i thank God for extra batteries and volume control.
i keep having to remind myself to breath. i'm miles away from anyone i know and i'm feeling a rush of anxiety, excitement, and doubt. i keep telling myself, "this is what freedom feels like."
leo
exhilaration in the spinning of the wheels.
may the fates favor you.
-matt
- The New York Times ;)
(ryan) lol, good though