Well, I think I have it.... then I don't. I am in love and then I fall out. I love Dawn, but it seems that she always finds something to get mad at me about. Tonight I mentioned that I considered making out with a girl, Audrey, not that I did, just that I thought about it. Well, I was then a user, I was going to use Audrey just to make out. I do admit I don't have feelings for her, I wasn't going to start anything with her, but still, it was actually intended to be what we both wanted. Neither of us wanted a serious relationship and just the close physical contact was to be a great way to deal with college life. Dawn has moved on, she has kissed someone else, it isn't a big deal to me. Actually, I don't understand why it doesn't bother me. The first time we broke up, and she kissed someone else, it bugged the hell out of me; the woman I was in love with wanted to press the lips I wanted against another man. I didn't know what to do with myself. I mean we weren't together and thus she did nothing wrong, but still, it stung my heart and hurt me pretty badly. Anyhow, that started an argument with her, she really made me feel bad and I didn't even go through with it. Granted I didn't kiss Audrey simply because she decided it wouldn't be a good idea, but none the less, we didn't make out! I might have been wrong with what I was thinking, how I was going about it, but still, I didn't do it. Then, later on I heard a rumor about Dawn and so I aksed her about it. My mother told me this and said she didn't know if it was true or not but that it might be of some importance to me as I am still in love with Dawn. Well, I asked Dawn if it was true and she just freaked out on me. I thought I was doing the right thing by asking her instead of taking it as fact, I went to the source instead of spreading it myself. So again, I was on the shit list of the woman my heart was sworn to. Eventually she calmed down, we got over it and she appoligized for saying the things she did and I got her to understand that I only questioned it because I care for her so much. I remember when we were together, a lot of the time was very great, but a lot was pretty crappy as well. I did a lot of things wrong to her, and wrong for her. I wasn't alone in that. I seemed to over look the way she treated me at times and now that I can step back and look at it, she really gets angry at me quickly. I got angry at her, I still do get angry with her. But most of the time I am able to forgive her, or put it behind me. She used to do that, in the begining, just put things behind her. Right now, when we aren't together she jumps all over me... we make up and everything goes back to normal, or what has now become normal for us. But I don't know if I want to go back to that. I think of her at random times and I try to be a sweet guy, but it really doesn't get me anywhere. I think she is moving on without me and that is great for her. I will move on as well. If we can't be friends without fighting, we shouldn't put ourselves through being lovers that fight. We fight a lot, it isn't something I can overlook anymore. I used to see myself in her arms forever, but I don't think she feels like that with me.... I don't think she wants me anymore and I think her being mean, or pushing me away is simply so I will be able to move on. I want to be in her life, and I think we can be friends, but as of right now, we aren't anything more. I love Dawn with all my heart, but she is to touchy and uptight with her emotions, and every problem, every stressful thing that happens in her life comes out as anger toward me. I want to be there to help her through everything, school, family, love gone wrong, but I don't want to be the punching bag... I want to be the shoulder to cry on. Right now I am looking for a woman to marry, someone to settle down with, a long term relationship at the least. When we started she said she didn't want anything serious; we became serious nearly immediately. I will never forget her, I can't she is as much of me today as she was on January 17 when we became one unit, not me and her, but us. I don't think she can settle down, I don't think she wants to right now. I am not sure if it scares her, I am not sure if it scares me at this point, but I know it is what I want. I want someone that will be by my side, make me smile, want to be around me nearly all the time. I want someone not afraid to have me around when her friends are around, I want to be friends with her friends, not just left out. Dawn has a lot going on in her life and she still needs to have her fun, but I don't know if I will still be waiting for her to come back to me when she is ready to settle down herself. I don't know if I can move on, I don't know that it is what is right, but I don't want her to be angry at me anymore. I don't want to make her mad, or cry, or hurt or feel sick. I want to make her happy, I want to let her know every day that I care about her.... But if she is to love me, she must love me and if she loves me she must be with me or with no one. She said that she wouldn't put her life on hold for me, that I couldn't ask her to do that. But I put my life on hold for her just because I love her. Tonight I press play, tonight I am no longer on hold, tonight I start again, living for me. I want her in my life, but as my friend, a close friend. Maybe some day more, maybe not, but as of now a friend is all. If I can't make her happy now, how can I make her happy forever. If she isn't happy with me, I won't be happy with me; I have to be happy with myself, I have to love someone who is happy with who I am, where I am heading in life, and who supports the goals I have set forth. I will find her, that woman that wants me as much as I want her. Dawn doesn't want me as much as I want her, if she did, she wouldn't have been able to press her lips against another; she wouldn't think about finding someone else; she would still be mine.... ~Aaron