THE EX

funny. i thought it was close to being over. Then he comes back into my life and suddenly these weird emotions arise again within me that linger even days after we talk. I start doubting my choice to not be with him. He brings up the past, and i get flodded with memories of the hopes dreams and fears i had. I get flodded with emotions that even if i tried to controll itd never happen. So fear surges threw me relizing that what i thought was over isnt. Even if he just keeping me hanging on, the other side of the feild doesnt feel that way. In my heart i know i love him and i will probaly always love him. In my heart i know that should i leave my fiancee for him itd be a diasaster. I know its the wrong choice. Yet even as my fiancee lingers on my skin hes not the one that makes me light up on the phone when i talk to him and get butterflies so severe that i actually feel like vomiting.

THE FIANCEE

Yes.

Its funny how one word can change everything. He asked "will you marry me?" my answer was yes, and just like that suddenly the relationship takes a dive into grown up terriorty. And d ont get me wrong. im not scared in the least. I do want to marry him, and i honestly believe that im going to have his children. Its something ive felt in the pit of my stomach scince i first laid eyes on him. I knew he was the one that i would have a future with. Call it intitution. I do love him. The problem is i dont love him like i loved my first, like i loved my ex. I think too much got taken away from me over the years and now im just working with peices of myself. Im not whole, and my fiancee has taken the challenge of damanged goods. He knows im broken, but he has no idea just how much i am. too make matters worse im pretty sure ive influenced his decsion to have children more then he would like to admitt. Everytime the topic comes up i see it in his face that hes becomming more and more open to the thought of having children right now. Hes sensiable, but when it comes to me, all sence goes out the window. I dont want to ruin his life. Before me it wasnt perfect, im afraid those peices im in are going to be his after im gone. the last thing in this entire world that i want is to hurt him.

THE OVER ALL

Life right now is anything but simple, calm and easy. Love life not included. Who im with will influence my furture at this very moment to degrees not even comprehensive. If i knew where i was going to be living in a year and i knew my job was stable enough, and i knew that everything was going well enough, it really wouldnt matter who i was with. On the one hand if i took my ex back i would either have to live with him or be homeless. There is probaly no hope of children anywhere in our future, and marriage is absoultly out of the question as far as hes concderned. Been there done that and hes not going back. If i stay with my fiancee, i have the possiblity of marriage and kids, and actually creating some kind of family. I wouldnt be homeless because after all should this move go threw he has already told me he is more then willing to leave this state. he cares about me more then i believe he does.

from the begining i knew this was going to be hard. and it all comes down to me. it all comes down to what i choose. maybe the longing and pain of my ex will go away, leaving me healed, and moving on to give my fiancee everything he deserves and more. maybe there can be a happy ending to this story where no one hurts. But happy ending are only in the movies, and this... isnt a movie.

THE FIRST HALF OF MY JOURNAL.