laying on your bed drifting in and out of sleep, i hear a firmiliar voice creeping up the stairs and nearing your bedroom. then, the worst thing that could happen at that moment did. i saw a hint of blonde behind the boy and she came strutinig into the room. The girl *he left me for. Where ever she goes comes a tinge of heartbreak, and she definatly made it known to me today. I frantically start hittinig you in efforts to wake you up, my hands shaking from the rage and shame that i felt. i still have your scent on me and i know she knows it. her eyes accusing, almost screaming, how could i be in bed with you, *his "boy", when i loved *him so much. even though *he and i arent together anymore i still know its wrong. its kicking *him when hes down and out. Your never supose to sleep for your exes friends let alone actually fall for them. she sits down on the bed, half turning to face both me and you. my eyes catch her icy glare. I almost literally felt the chill down my spine. And like she knew it would hurt, she brings up YOUR ex. She openly states how not even 48 hours earlier you were inside of your ex. Then she proceedes to insist on you and your ex getting back together.Going along with the converesation you absent mindedly say you tried to but she wouldnt take you. It was like i had vanished from the room to you. That pain. The one that starts at your heart and diggs down deep into the pits of your stomach. The pain that feels like its a live thing trying to claw its way out of your body. That pain. it surges threw my body. I look at your shirtless back, trying to grasp my emotions. in that very moment i could have yelled, i could have destroyed something - or someone - i could have cried. I wanted nothing more then to inject that hurt into both you and her. i look down at my hands, shaking more violently now, and creeping all threw out my body. Am i going to be sick? Im not sure i should run out the door all the way home not looking back, or if i should be running to the toliet. She slips me a sly grin, knowing exzactly how bad she just hurt me, once again. Suddenly the pains of loosing *him to her resurface. Its like being dragged from the light and thrown into the darkness. i know my face reads like a book at that moment. Regardless of what i think i am feeling for you, i dont think it could have compared to *him. Maybe i just wore you as a mask. Maybe im using you, just as much as your using me. during the brief car ride home all that had happened in the last year of my life clouded my mind. It was like reliving every happy. sad, stressful, moment in a flash. I get confused about you, and *him. Its like the torcher doesnt ever end. I feel so guiltly letting you inside, while *he is rotting away not knowing a single thing. i dont want to let go of you either. Then just as quickly as loving thoughts flow threw my mind of you they suddenly change to *him. I loved *him with all my heart. *he was going to be the man i thought i was going to marry. *he was the one i wanted children with. but *he left me for the blonde bitch that only brings sorrow when near. It was like *he woke up one day and decided i was second best. I was the alternitive. So i think, yeah, its ok that i fuck you. Whats not okay, is that i feel like im falling head over heals for you. Whats not okay, is if me and *him ever got back together, i dont think i could give you up. I finally get home, and i walk over to the table lettinig my stuff fall to the ground only thinking about the events that had occured with in the last hour and a half. as if confusion and guilt didnt cloud me enough already, i see it there sitting on the table. The white letter, marked to me stamped with the prison name across the top. *he wrote me. It feels almost like i stop breathing. I hold the letter in my hands for a long moment just starring. I carefully rip opoen the top and pull out the two paged letter *he sent. *he says *he misses me and that *he wants to hear my voice, *he wants pictures, *he wants to know everything thats been going on. Closinig with, "say hi to your family, and hope your mom is okay". I feel the color leave my cheeks and for half a minute i actually forget about you. The brief moment of happiness leaves me and suddenly is rerplaced with only guilt. I still smell like you, i swear i can still feel you iniside of me, and here i am holding this letter, which is just as good as if *he were standing right in front of me. and even harder, i know when i write *him back, i have to leave you out of it. I have to indirectly lie, or i could loose the only relationship i have with *him.. Friendship. It hits me hard and i feel the breath leave my body, not returning. Just to think, last night i was the happiest id been in awhile. Last night was one of the best nights ive had in a while. Now im just regretting everything. you, *him. I regret having met both of you and yet, i dont think i could trade it for the world if given the choice.