What is love anyway? You cant see it, you cant touch it, you cant speak it. The only thing it is, is what you "think" you feel while involved with it. Three words that are so effortlessly used: "I Love You". People dont even really mean those words anymore. So what is love aside of lies in candy coated words. CONFESSION: Im petrified of love. Not just "puppy dog" love. Real true honest and pure love. The kind where youd jump infront of a bullet to save the other person. I have lied to many people when it came to who i loved, and for that I broke many hearts. In reality. I know for a concret fact that i loved ONE person and one person only. And MY GOD, was that a MISTAKE. Haha. Im not sure if i regret it though. He made it very hard for me to want to open up to anyone elese like i did him, and because of what had happened threw the two years of hell, im not even really sure if im ready now to open myself up to anthor mind body and soul devouring relationship even though its been more then a year since then. Am i the only girl scared of comittment? I care about my man now. And its taken a very long time to decifer the fact that it is real, and not some ill provoked emotion to hide the fear of being alone. You see thats just the thing. My life is based on fear. Im scared of everything. I was so much braver when i was kid. I could love who i wanted and what i wanted, i could do what i wanted, i could say anything, and not be scared of the out come. But now, Leaving the safety of my own home feels terrifying. SO, how does all this random bable relate to my current relationship? Hes sweet smart funny and kind. I love mostly everything about him (there are other things that make me want to attack him every once in awhile, but nothing i cant handle, lol) He told me he loved me. And suddenly I almost paniced. I wouldnt want to change anything with the RELATIONSHIP but all the same i feel like i should maybe runaway because "OH SHIT!" I could fall for him. And falling for him can lead me down only one path, Tears, a beer or two, a couple packs of ciggs, and a broken heart. Even if that isnt the case thats how it feels. (Theres no reason why it would), but i feel like its going to be over before i even knew it began. A lot of this is provoked by my infamous ex, who put me threw EVERYTHING anyone EVER could in as short a time of two years. I let him get so close and all of it was just to be stomped on in the end. (If there was a jackass award, id probaly have won.) I cant risk getting hurt again. Im having such a hard time opening myself up. Everytime i get close to letting myself feel everything, it dimishes almost as fast as it rises. I know i care about him. I just cant show it. And i Know he loves me. But i wont let myself believe it. TRUTH: I dont know what i want.