i fall i fall down down into the pits the pits with no sounds as i lay on the ground my body molds and i become one one with myself one with the ground one with the air one without any sound all the knowledge sinks in but without a voice my lessons arent learned and without a voice i sob on that ground knowing the world will never know the beauty that remains around us all today the knowledge the world gives us each day

its so hard to let go of whats normal to you wether it be that that something is an addictio or not even a something - a someone. when you have had that saftey blanket for so long why would you let it go even if it were time? no one likes to feel like they are lost and alone and that what happens when normalcy exits your life.

i want to believe in something. i know theres more out there then this - this that i set myself up for. theres more then the bad and yet somehow although i never seen it i still believe in it. i have had people be inlove me, or at least think they were in the past and it didnt work.. why? i have had people i would have died for and that didnt work either. Maybe its me. i dont know. maybe im just hopeless lol. i just feel so un content and all i have wanted to do for a while now is scream or cry or something and somehow i cant do that either. is it just me - SERIOUSLY? ive had all i can take and i dont know why.i break every day over and over agin like this is some kind of hell that im living.i cant get out of it. i cant talk to anyone. i have no support. i feel alone and i cant stand the sound and sight of myself lately. i dont know whats wrong with me and i dont want to know. some part of me doesnt want to fix it, and anthor does. Maybe im not broken at all as i like to think. Maybe im just normal, and too weak to put up with it. Maybe i should just stop putting up with it. i should stop putting up with it forever.

i think i need to earse your face i think i need to just breathe and i think i need to look at this pace thats taken me away from me i need to be what i thought i could never be stronger then you stronger then me lets take a step back and really see what the hell it is u want with me lets thinks and lets talk lets pretend to be happy

what happened to the past? i miss it alittle. me and you way back when. lol.... i miss it soooo much. steak knife nights and tiqulia. raw steak, odd parties, billboards, night time strolls, pilfering from the houses, sarha & john, pot hunts, front pourches and tents, A case of you.... i loved you. what changed?

i fall i fall down down into the pits the pits with no sounds as i lay on the ground my body molds and i become one one with myself one with the ground one with the air one without any sound all the knowledge sinks in but without a voice my lessons arent learned and without a voice i sob on that ground knowing the world will never know the beauty that remains around us all today the knowledge the world gives us each day

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how or even why things change like they do. im not depressed but im not happy. im just in an exzistance. ive been here before. where your so blank you cant even really muster one emotion to focus yourself on. i know things in my life are pretty good right now. i mean hell im better off then what i was three months ago and a year ago. everyday it gets better and yet i cant let myself enjoy it. i keep making these little stupid mistakes because i dont really think about what im going to say before i say it, or do before i do it. what i say and do cant be justified. it just is what it is and nothing more regardless of its meaning to me. i am one in a million and yet i blend right in with everyone and everything else. nothing i do is really mediocre, yet somehow it just fades into being just that if not less. i feel like i should be doing more but somehow im doing all that can right now. and my relationships? lol. i dont even know about them. the friends i have had for years now i almost just dont even want to see them anymore and its not because i dont like them - its becasue they are moving on and i want to step out of their way and let them move on. i feel like i hold people back. as into if i do or not... i dont know. i dont think i want to know. i told someone that i loved very much i didnt think it was right in my mind for us to see eachother as much as we did. that comment came out very wrong. i ment one thing and as expected they took it anthor. how do you fix something like that? you dont. i may have just lost the one person i really did trust and i probaly could have made it threw with because of my stupid insecurties and becasue of my mind. i hate myself sometimes. i have alot of magic and miricles in my life but im so wrapped up in my own that i cant see them, and that makes me just push them away. My bad luck has been caused purely by me, and i know i can fix that if i decieded to, becasue i know i have alot of power in me both physically and mentally. i could save the world if i truely wanted to. but i still hold myself back. i wonder sometimes. is this where im going to fall? or is this when i make my stand?

i already know that matt and i are on diffrent paths. oddly enough im ok with that. i know we have to go on our own (more geared to me) to make it anywhere, otherwise itll just be beth and matt.... one brian one way/ i have to find what works for me and what i want, and he has to do the same. this something - one of the only things - we cant help eachother with. it is our own personal path we have to take. Then maybe once we have walked, we will find something agin that we thought was there before. Matt is my best friend and i would do almost anything for him.. but sometimes i guess you need a break from that person in your life that your most inlove with. its like that old saying.. you never know how much you love something unitll you let it go.. i have grown enough to see some sort of clarity in my life, and as things are stilll hetic for me its ok. i can handel it now. i dont think about sucide anymore and i dont really think about cutting or drinking or excaping.. i dont even really think. im so much more this is me and if you dont like it go the fuck away. i have to credit some of - most of - this to matthew. without him i would still be a shy and meak little girl. hes helped me come into myself. but i dont know if it was in a good way that he did it. matt and i are like and open and unfinished book. im just reading threw the pages right now. ill adventual put down the book for alittle while and go on, before picking it up agin and filling in the rest. for him? i dont know if he'll ever finish the book. hes too scattered right now. his enegy isnt centered. once he figures out his right direction, can he finally finish that book with me no matter how it ends. My aunt had told me before that matt was going to be falling inlove with someone deeply. all his time and devotion was going to be geared toward this kid & this kid wasnt even really going to like matt as much as matt liked him.... worse yet its going to happen in the week. and amazingly it did. the ones name is steve. lol. steve. hes quiet the charector. i really hope steve isnt the one that matt is falling for because steve is going to fuck matt over. i know it i feel it. steve will hurt matt. then i think maybe itll be good if he gets hurt from steve. maybe he will feel alittle bit of the pain he inflicted on so many, and finally be able to understand it. you cant fix something you CANT understand. dont get me wrong i dont under any circumstance want him to suffer and be upset i just want him to be happy. but somethings you cant have someone tell you and somethings you cant just see. it has to happen to you before you truely understand. every bit of pain he caused me has made me stronger and smarter. im sure its the same for the rest of the people he manages to tourcher uncontiously. Sometimes i wonder about that though. he says he doesnt relize hes doing it but ehh.... it doesnt seem like it most of the time. he is power hungry i think and needs to feel incontrol. i dont think he always use to be like that though but maybe its just because im seeing more now then i did before. this summer is going to be hell. i can almost tell it right now. i have a feeling my true friends will be revealed and those who arent will shine brighter then the rest. i dont think im ready for this. and yet somehow i tell myself everyday this is what you need. you need to go threw something like this and thatll be it. ill learn ill grow. ive been threw sooo much already. i mean there isnt much more. i cant cry anymore. its not because im happy or becasue im too depressed. its becasue even though i speak of these incrediably inspiring words to other people, im just empty waiting for that first emotion to hit, unaware of when or how... or where... oh my god.. i am terified. i am so fucking terrified. things are changing and people are moving on and up. i am so scared. im on my way to breaking into what ever it is that i want. right now i know i have the fundamentals of whatever i need to go wherever i want to. but where from here? where do i want to go?i know who i am now, but i dont know where i want to go. i have to begin to be more honest with myself becasue although i may know who i am i am not showing all my true colors. im still to scared. if i could just break free from what it is that i think other people are thinking about me i will be fine. but can i really do that? XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX im amazed how i use to think matt was my soulmate. its not that the notion is funny or rediculous, its just that now i dont really believe in soulmates. i dont even really believe in love that much anymore. at least not for me. i saw these two couples at work today. they looked so happy and they bickered but never really got angry with eachother. is that love? or is that something elese? maybe im just nuts which im begining to think more often then not. i so badly want to be head over heals inlove with matt agin. but. im not. i love him and i will always love him. but not how i use to. things have just fadded so much into a friendship. i want to be happy with someone, but that someone isnt matt anymore. i honestly dont think we could be happy. even being friends is like a strian. so much has changed and i dont even know what it is. i just know things arent the same between us on both of our parts. i want to cry. i really do. but i cant. i cant even make myself. am i happy? i dont really know. will i ever be happy? thats even more uncertin. maybe for a couple weeks or months or maybe even a couple years. but i dont think i will be happy from the time i grab it to the time i die. it will fade. itll fade like everything elese in my life did. and there is one thing that seems to be true. things fade but they never really go away. he will always be close to my heart but fate will run its course. matt and i will gradually drift from eachother, maybe meet one more time when we are accomplished, then that will be the last time i see him and he sees me. im just scared that he wont remember me, or worse, with the time that has passed i wont remember him. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

and its not really supose to be a poem just ryming words that say the thoughts in my head. you say to me i miss you and i think to myself i havent gone anywhere i havent done anything new what could you miss of me when nothing is ever new you were right i have grown up a ways and now i can fight my fights but i have not a single clue what i should do about you i love you i love you i love you but thats not going to get us far we arent diffrent from the start things can be diffrent maybe.. or things can fall apart you ask me back to your side and my heart splits in two. i want to say that i love you but the temptations of everyone else is strong this is new i will become that of which i hate and i will hurt you and i dont know how much you can take so why am i going to marry you one day becasue i do love you and becasue you are my true but i cant admitt this to anyone because a broken heart has just healed its self agin

The wonderful notion that is life. lifes meanings are nothing if you choose to ignore them. memories are just memories wether they be bad or good, they are never comming back agin becasue that was the past. the one moment you want back most leaves us always and there is no reason why. things just fade with time. love weakens untill tested and memories leave untill reminded. people pass and things will never be the "same". a person doesnt need to be physically dead to be dead to you. everyone thinks life is a big conspircy, maybe so.But i think we just need to relax and be at peace with ourselves, and then everything will be better. Life is karma. you screw someone over they will want revenge, so expect to get your punishment. if you could let yourself feel spirtual and enlightened regardless of your faith, if you could just hope, things in your life will improve - and this is the only promise i can make. Live & learn & love. Share your knowledge with those who arent as knowledgeable as yourself. As long as you try, you could never fail. Always have dreams but never wish. Always count your blessings and NEVER EVER dwell on your misfourtunes. Always believe, no matter how hard it may be, always believe in better. your body is your temple, redecorate all you want but never destroy it. Fight for what you believe in because there is at least one more person out there that thinks the same way. never say maybe tomorrow because for you there may not be a tomorrow. tell those that you love that you love them, and even if its not returned, you wont have to wonder your whole life what could have been. never regret the past, for the past has shapped the person you are today. even when a person is 100 years old, there is still room to grow. So dont be afriad of change. EMBRACE IT! forgive your enemies and cherrish your friends. congradulate yourself for an accomplishment but dont celebrate for too long. never underestimate yourself, your will is stronger then you know. Never be wasteful of a persons compassion. Never morn for a love you once had. Following your heart may be hard, but it will always be rewarding, so always follow your heart.

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my date last night made me relize something.... i still love matt with all my heart but he is a hopeless expidition. i never will meet anyone like him agin.. but that may be a good thing. i think last night was a normal night. a normal date. with a normal guy. it all felt so wrong. i had so much fun - but it felt so wrong. i really like this guy and sadly enough the thing that will make me walk away from him is the past that i have with anthor. its something truthful and undeniable. why do i love matthew so much? so much i cant even breathe most times. when will it end? i dont want to be looking for anthor matthew the rest of my life but what can i do? i already am. no one can compair to him. no one else can be him.

i feel so bad and i dont know why. i like to think i am moving on but im not. and whats to move on from anyways? you cant move on from something you never really had. why does he always make me feel like shit when i go out with anyone that isnt him? even if its my mother...why? why can he go fuck as many people as he wants but i cant even have other friends?? this makes absoultly no scence at all!!!! is that he is just possesive? or is he even alittle jelous because of "feelings" for me? ugh i hate thinking. i hate how he makes me feel.. i hate everything in this world. just when i get a grasp at happiness... its ripped away by someone. by something... always.

you told me once: "when the song plays my biggest fear is it ending, and loosing the moment. you arent like that. your diffrent." and your right. i am. i love you for giving me the strength i never knew i had. and you will never know how much you made me relize over the past year not only about myself but about the world in general. everything you have ever said to me stays with me and will always remain with me. i wish you could see that your just as smart of a man as you wished you were. i love you. No more needs to be said.

21 LESSONS THAT SHOULD BE LEARNED ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other. THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want. FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it. FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye. SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married. SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight. EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much. NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives. TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly. THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?" FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk. FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze. SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: R espect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions. EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice. TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone. HONEST QUOTES When you lose someone, you realize just how much that person means to you, So maybe its a good thing they're gone. So you can see just how much that person means to you. -Anonymous " i had the whole world in my hands but i gave it away" "lets toast till we die" "Even If It Kills Me, I'm Gonna Smile." In a world of nonsense, everything something is, it isn't, everything it would be wouldn't, and everything it wasn't, was. Love will die if held to tightly, love will fly if held to lightly. People can live one hundred years without really living a minute. "reality is an illusion created by lack of alcohol "You never see the bad days in a photo album but it’s those days that get us from one happy snapshot to the next." Do not envy the one you admire most, instead, try to make yourself one that can be envied -"Love starts with a hug, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear!" "Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet" - Roger Miller Sticks and stones are hard on bones, aimed with angry art words can sting like anything, but silence breaks the heart... -Phyllis mcgenlee "Love is like a war, easy to begin, hard to end" If the sky were to suddenly open up, there would be no law, there would be no rule. There would only be you and your memories. Today's Message of the Day is: Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance

i saw matt today and he made relize something in mabe a matter of 10 min. i am crazy.. haha... i really am but somehow he gives me a scence of easiness. i feel like im home when im with him, and home is something i have been looking for , for a good long time now. thats why i go literally insane if i ccant get a hold of him. its not because of the things i thoughtit was... its becasue im worried about my home being destroyed. thats probaly why i love him so much. no one has ever made me feel the things i do when im with him. i relized today that things will get better. it has too. no one is always down and out. i may be down now.... but im not out. i know i will get better and learn to relax alittle more then i am. its a perfect world if you choose to see it.

i wish it were as easy for me to move on as it is for you. i wish i could even have something as simple as a crush on someone else but you wont let me. you tell me its my fault that i cant move on. i dont think so. now a days it seems like you tourcher me more then you do help me. i learned everything from you that i needed to fairly quickly. i should have just walked away then before i became like this. sadly enough you dont even know that you do this to me and even if i had tried to explain it to you - you'd turn it around and twist it into something that it just simply isn't. you seem to be putting more stress on me then its worth and yet i still to this day dont want anything better then the best for you. sometimes i even see you as my child and all i want to do is watch you grow. but you push everyone away that tried to help you.... it was only a matter of time before i got pushed. did you even care about me like you said or was it some sort of fake facade? even if you did love me and were inlove with me i would have prefered for you to tell me that it wasnt true. that way i wouldnt be hanging on something that might happen. i have done everything for you from big things as in trying to get you sober to things as simple as being no more then your maid. how many times and for how long have i taken care of you? and then you put people that you tell me you dont even like infront of me. how do you really think that makes me feel? you, my first boyfriend my first lover my first kiss... i thought that when god sent you to me it was a blessing. i thought that maybe we were soulmates, just because of how ironic it all seemed to occur. now im not so sure. i remember this quote that i herd.. if it isnt complicated then its not love. when i first heard it the person i thought of was you. and then i began to think how true it is. now i dont believe thats true. things in this life are as they are. nothing more.. nothing less. there are reasons and ways but it doesnt ever change the situations. and thats all we are. thats all we have ever been. a situation. if i had one wish i would use it on you. if i had one last breathe i would use it saving you. if i had to let myself be stuck with one person for the rest of my life and no one elese besides them....... it would be you. but heres the thing. i dont want it to be you. you narrow my world, deduce my possibilites, and deafen my spirit. how can i love someone that i think fucks me over so much? with you i never know. you say one thing, then cover it up with the next to make it something that it never was to begin with. i wish i was braver so i could just confront you to your face about it, about everything that i feel. unfortunatly im not. thats something i have to learn to except becasue i doubt that will change. thats something you have to except. even if i had come to you with my concerns like you have always wished, would you really listen, and stay quiet long enough for me to try to explain it? would you be kind and talk to me like two civilized poeple or would you be able to kill with your tone of voice and sharp words? would you twist the situation to better your half and make me feel like im a weak little child lost and alone? before you even think to answer this question, you already know the answer deep inside, and so do i.

everyday there is a new epidemic.. why? i can take this much more. i just want to be normal.

matthew my mother karla myself my aunt and dee the future fear everything around me. Nothing is right. Nothing will be right. Nothing. that word is the most full word you can say. you almost choke on it everytime. like throwing up the word in a gut wrenching gag. Nothing... you almost feel lighter after saying it. nothing nothing nothing. life consists of nothing. i am nothing. i will always be nothing. me and matthew will produce nothing. me and my mother are nothing. me and karla were always nothing. my aunt and myself we have become nothing. i have subcome to the darkness in my heart. it feels good. it feels right. i feel shelded and as if for once i could be either loved or feared both of which i only dream about. sometimes i wish i was a really powerful sourcer so i could make myself be set. eternal happiness, a loving husband, a big home.... the all american dream. Fuck the rest of the world. i cared too much about them and they just beat me to the ground so hard there was a shape where my body had fallen into the cement that their cruelity had molded. Mabe im too gullible. Im just a nieve little girl. i know i will find what i am looking for. only if. if i can last that long.