What an odd title...don't know where that came from! As you can tell from my last entry I am quite the mess right now. All tangled up in the torment of life. My happiness is available, but yet fear of taking that step holds me at an akward stand-still. I remember dreaming once when i was a lot younger of being a writer when I became a man. I knew that my life would produce enough experience, hardships and complications to be rediculously full of emotional conflict that could be turned into gold. I am here now awaiting a contract. My work has proven quite satisfactory and has caught the eye of a very prestigious publisher. "Whitmore" is considering a contract. Everything I have ever wanted and dreamed about for my future is just beyond the bend, but I am superglued to the chaos that I have tried so hard to free myself from through my books. My "her" called this morning. Crying. Always enough to drive the dagger deeper and deeper. I know that I have made mistakes, and I do not expect to be forgiven of them, but I love her as much as she keeps loving me. I just don't know how to make what once was become what is again. Too many miles between us, too many people after the break-up. Too much time. She begs for me to be a dreamer again like I was when we were together, she loved me for that. I always had the ability to turn our dreams into a divine reality. But I have forgotten how to dream such dreamers dreams. She is going to come visit soon, within the next couple of weeks I believe. I am more scared of this than I have ever been of anything else. Her beauty might distract my eagerness to do what I feel is right by the both of us. I don't want to be tricked into a foolish decision. I will take her down to the beach, the place I go to write, and I will tell her everything I love, everything I want, and everything I am afraid. I will have her do the same, and if fate permits...just maybe we can find some compromise or middle ground. Or maybe we can finally speak our final good-byes and take the unbearable pain of letting go forever. I hate that fucking word "forever" I hate it for being a paradox that I cannot solve. Forever needs not be spent with anyone, but oh what a relief if we are to be so lucky! Pain is not forever, but neither is divinity or happiness. Can I live in this temporary assembly line of emotion? I want one or the other. The purest and most respected love, or the most agonizing pain possible, either one would be better than this void. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.....for those of you in love or learning to hurt from love, let it burn. Enjoy it if that is your choice or hate it just the same, but always follow your heart and dream the dreamers dream. Smoke if you got 'em!