my grandmother died today just after midnight. today is/was her 90th birthday. we were rather close; as such, i am not taking this particularly well. i realise that things haven't been well for her in awhile; she's had congestive heart failure issues for three years now, and she has become increasingly weak during the past five days. i am glad she is not miserable anymore, and likewise happy that she can finally be with my grandfather again,...but ...ugh. damn it. DAMN IT. FREAKING DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was going to ring her this morning and wish her a happy birthday, and mum & i arranged for flowers to be sent for her today. mum & dad & i were going to visit on sunday and have a small party to celebrate her birthday. i didn't know her phone number was the same at her assisted living flat until late last night; i could have talked to her sooner!!!! why didn't i ask about that when she moved in there??? and i didn't want to pass my cold onto her because she was so weak already, and i knew it could've been disastrous, so i was waiting until i felt better before visiting. why do i have to be bloody sick so damn often???!?!??! why didn't i check the number and ring her earlier??????????? ...[sigh.] i am going to avoid the internet and general human interaction for awhile. this is the saddest day, and the ones to come are only going to get worse. i miss her more than is possible to articulate. )'= ______ thursday, 23 october 2008 10h42 CDT