things were seeming good for a while. maybe they still are. its so silly how you can finally be happy and see a light at the end of a tunnel, and one little incident, one that probably didnt even mean anything, can spark a downfall. why do things have to be so complicated? in my mind its so simple. i dont need to be obsessed over. i dont need for him to sacrifice the world for me. i just want this back and forth depression sadness to end! everytime i think we've reached an understanding and a trust and something good, he does or says something that sets us back ten steps. im tired of being a toy and being whatever he wants. im always here for him. i try to make him see the beauty and the optimism in life, and i feel helpless. he's gotta DO IT. he's gotta get back up. and i cant keep pulling and be at his beck and call. i should have a little more dignity than that. you'd think after all i did for him he'd realize. im sure he does. its hard to see through the shit sometimes... hes a good person. i know he cares about me or we wouldnt be in this mess. eventually it will all work out. jordan, on the other hand, is gone. i lost him. i ruined him. i ruined us. maybe its for the best and at some point I'll see why. my heart just breaks whenever I think about it. how happy we were and how perfect he is and how beautiful our love was. or was it? maybe i have false memories of greatness. i remember begging for more, just wanting him to trust me and really get deep with me. i just dont think he's like that. and i think Jacob made me realize thats the kind of person I want to be with. someone who can cry and share and be passionate and LIVE. i can just exsist in love i want to be DROWING in love. i want to be someone's rock. jordan was my rock. but i wasnt his... i think thats why we drifted away. but he'll never see that. i miss him a lot. im optimistic. things will get better. they already have. i just need to keep going on the right track. i had a great bonding day with my class today. dinner at chili's and peyton payed AGAIN. he's ridiculous in the most wonderful way. and i finally hung out with max and abigail. things really are better than they seem. :)