when do i stop worrying about what others think and let myself do something regardless of how they'll feel about it? is this something where consequences outweigh the satisfaction of getting what i want? i want to make my arm bleed. i'm curious and dissatisfied. i can't explain all of this. but there are two unused razor blades on my dresser and i can't touch them. the cardboard covers are taunting me. but i can't do it. because everything will collapse, even though my reasons this time are different, even though i'm not suicidal or angsty or anything that deserves me going to the hospital. i'm just... curious. as to what kind of beauty i'll create. the only problems are what people will think, and frankly i don't care, i just don't want to deal with it. with my teachers with my mother with my friends. i want to drink, i want to surf. not at the same time. i want to be reckless. i want to be myself and i haven't done it in so long that i can't even imagine what it would be like if i could.