Listening to: The AC blowing....
Feeling: worthless
so, me and my dude didn't brake up... we did have a serious convo though... me telling him what bothers me about him and him telling me... he did most of the criticizing though... and thats why i only posed his part... mine was just me saying not to push me away cause it makes me feel like shit... at the end, nothing was really accomplished... we just bitched for awhile till he went to sleep... anyway, here it goes...:
so... do i do something u sometimes don’t like?
yea
*holds hands over eyes and peeks through fingers*
dimelo
:-)
"kid" around about doing stuff with other guys
flirt online even though u say its all games
hang with EX's who still want to get with u
hang with guy friends who still wanna creep
most of these i mention are from wat i have to find out wats going on in ur life or head when im too busy too find out, i do this at school, late night home
i wanted to talk about this in person, but since this up coming week is turning to be kinda crappy cuz of a full week of work and school, even on my b-day.
i wanted to hang yesterday to vent, but now im just tired
what u mean? u going through the stuff i write online? u should be worried when i start hiding things... like getting a new diary or myspace... my friends know im joking and they don’t touch me, so u shouldn't worry....
hanging out with them shouldn't be a problem cause if i wanted them now, i wouldn't have started dating u
words shouldn't bother u... actions should
yea u tell me this, but then i go off and read up on u, and u write flirt stuff and put up icons of 2 guys on a bed saying good times is something that just might bug me the wrong way, and i dislike the way its making me feel like im snooping round when im just checking up on u. clicking on each profile who u "flirt" or chat to
whose profile was this? maybe i could explain it more... or not
yea word and actions are completely different i don’t know the name i was just reading and saw u chat and put some icon up of 2 guys in a bed w/ a heart saying good times
did u see all the icons i put up also? only like less then 5 are sexual... u have to see the big picture, not just little things... have u ever been cheated on?
sorta, never found out. and just to be deep in thought of thinking is the person ur with cheating on u is a helluva time
so tell me about ur side of the big picture, cuz right now im either lost or ur not seeing my pov
i don’t cheat! i never cheat! i was with my bf for 3 years... him never being around... me knowing he was probably cheating on me, but i still stood fateful... it would take "my true love showing up" (no not jc or anyone i know) and sweeping me off my feet for me to come close to all that.....
b4 i cheat, i would dump u first....
its really that simple...
and i expect the same from u
just because all these talk shows and crap hint that this person is cheating if they do this and that and then u look for that in what u read, doesn't make it true....... they don’t know me.....
i would be the biggest hypocrite if i do....
yea, but from my POV ..me a guy that has betrayed a friend a very close friend for some chick, for sex right now a lot of Morals and saying and all the faithful stuff don’t mean much as b4
then i should be the one worrying about u cause for my 22 years of life, i've never ever betrayed anyone or cheated on anyone....
from my pov me being selfish or me just having an expectation of you providing ur 2 cents for helping this relationship work better is to at least cut a lot of that stuff down
cuz im not saying that im just here taking everything maybe i am but i don’t know
true, but im not walking that same path
im not losing another friend cuz of a betrayal from me
that’s all good and all, but how is u betraying someone my fault... ask anyone i know and they will tell u all i am is talk... they will also tell u in person we don’t talk the same way we do online...
if u really wanna know what i am like with them, just attach a tape recorder on me and u'll see its completely different from online
i don’t have to talk to anyone u know, even if i do i wont trust em, like that guy that fucking had nerve of giving me pound and once i left start flirting with you
or an ex bringing cup cake for the steal
im trusting you, but all these lil things are just driving me to just feel like a snoop
who gave u pound?
and the snoop always Thinks wrong of course
that fat chubby kid
the kid u took Virginity from
the day u went to the movies to see war of worlds
ohh... yeah... that’s like less then 10% of our convo though... and i always roll my eyes or something at him....
and my ex brought me a cupcake and candle cause i was complaining that i wont get to blow out the candle on my bday
since we broke up, i seen him like 3 times... we broke up almost 4 months ago....
and yet u mention on ur diary or myspace that he still tries to get with u
and u think ima be thinking clearly after i read that?
he showed up one day and did that..... and u know what i did? i didn't let him cause i have a man
then yesterday i read that (b4 we talked) said i was silly and other stuff for telling u was gonna break up with cuz of a pierce and saying it my loss and u aint stressing it, and telling some other cat in myspace the same, god damn i feel like shit just reading and talking about this shit
it all comes down to if u trust me or not..... guys are pervs to begin with..... if the girl says no, then its no.... and of course i was pissed the fuck off... u told me u were gonna dump me over a piercing... how u think that made me feel?
i felt like u didn't give a shit about me and would just leave me outta nothing
especially cause u didn't call the whole day for the first time since we got together
so now where on the same level now, now u know why ive been distant quiet and anything else
i thought u dumped me by not calling anymore
not calling anymore
i am always calling, i can only name one time i didn’t call
and that’s the day i work came home at 1 to go to school the next day
what i mean is that day when u didn't call... i thought that was u telling me its over...... since u said the day b4 that u would leave me if i got the piercing and i told u im getting it
u thought, so u still wouldn’t call to find out or something?
it was late.... i knew u get home at random times, so i didn't wanna wake up ur parents.... i was gonna write u the next day....
and u say u were tired and that’s why u didn't call, but u always tired and u still call....
so i don’t get it
i mean at least call early , i would call back if ud call, but u didn’t so i just went straight to bed
like that day today
im tired, and not at a right mood
i don’t like calling and getting them telling me u not home..... if u had a cell, i would call all the time....
why is it bad to find out?
u could call me and know im either sleeping or i'll pick up
not that... i feel weird talking to ppl's parents..... that’s why i hardly call anyone i know....
i either want to talk to them or leave a message in their voicemail
so i wait for u to get online or call unless i think u home
and when u don’t call (like that day) and im here waiting and thinking evil thoughts, then i get pissed and wonder "what is it about me that makes me so forgettable"..... i wrote that in my away message that day and the next
just cuz i didn’t call doesn’t mean i forgot about u or anything
should i think that if u don’t call?
no cause im the one with the cell... whenever u want to talk (if im awake), all u gotta do is call... i don’t have the same privilege cause u don’t have one...
if u get one and i don’t call, then u should worry
look right now im not gonna get a cell and i wont be getting one for a good while from now
so then u should just call me..... and if im 100 % sure u home, i'll call u
1 its annoying, 2 i already owe and i don’t want to owe no more, 3 ima spent more time on phone instead of doing other things
yea there are more good sides to it but just naming those 3 are a definite no on the phone
like i said... u just have to call me then.... and if i know u home, then i'll call u...
man this thing is getting more to of a chore when i read that, i call cuz i wanna talk with you, not cuz i have to or know wats up with
ok....
the only reason we even talking about phones is cause u didn't call the day after u said u were dumping me.... and that just caused some otherness... if u don’t wanna talk on a specific day, u don’t have to... im not forcing u to do anything... it was just bad timing "that day"
and the main reason i like hearing from my "bf" everyday is cause i had someone who showed up once a month or less, so im iffy when humans don’t call...
had someone show up?
i mean, i had a dude who only showed up when he felt like it and now im iffy with my other relationships
just like ur past dictates how u live ur life, so does mine....
um... u there?
yea just sitting back on chair
thinking too much
don’t think so hard... this dating thing isn't so hard... just be around each other a little more then other humans... kiss and hug... and only actually be with each other (unless u swingers)
u the only human i actually tell everything (EVERY LIL DETAIL) to, and i don’t think that’s working.... i guess u just gotta keep ur guy in the dark about a couple things
yea that’s gonna help
ok... so i wont tell u the things u probably don’t wanna know... but about my online friends, u just gotta either stop reading my stuff or know that online life is way different then "real" life
i wont adapt, ill just let it be, but i just know im tire of it if i do keep reading which ima try to avoid
then just avoid it.... cause if i have to start censoring myself, then it wont be me talking anymore..... and i like u, but i also like having my friends around too... and even if they are guys and u don’t trust them cause of "our history", u just have to believe i wont do u dirty
u think u can believe in me?
??
i believe that’s all i can do
that’s all u really need to do..... if u trust me, then u wouldn't have to get all jealous and possessive and crap..... cause u would no that im not doing anything....
talk is nothing as long as i "only go home to u".... meaning, as long as u the only one i actually let touch me and all that bf/gf stuff....
but if u just saying u trust me and don’t really believe urself, then we have bigger problems then me.... u need to evaluate urself... don’t be like "otello" who let his suspicions take over his whole way of seeing his girl
*my english teacher would be so proud of me right now*
What’s the moral of the story kids? Well, it’s that dating sucks… LOL… Sad, but true… Nothing could ever just “BEâ€â€¦ Everyone’s always worried about this and that and if nothing bad is happening; they make it up in their heads so that they will have something to not be happy about… I hate having to always defend my reputation cause of insecurities… I know I'm not doing anything and that’s why I don’t hide anything… I guess guys like to be kept in the dark… I’m not saying I don’t have my moments of jealousy and paranoia too… I’m just saying that I know the difference between the craziness in my head and what’s really going on…
Another thing is, why do guys always gotta pick at the small stuff? It’s like with a scab… You know for it to heal, you just gotta leave it alone, but u cant help but keep picking at it…
pick…
PICK…
P…I…C…K…
Just keep on picking until it gets infected and then you’re screwed… It’s like they want something to happen, just so they could be like:
“YOU SEE!! I KNEW IT!!!â€
:)
(ps...i dunno you either. :])
♥ steph
♥
and old people used to be the only ones wearing speedos down here until me and my friends got them. you should check out my firend firecrouch27 diary. his pic is on his.