i am on an island. a little island. 128 miles away from a class 3 hurricane. im going to die. this sucks ass. i want to be able to tell clayton...that i love him...i do. i really do. i want to tell him that i want to be with him. i want to tell him hes my everything and hes absoulty perfect. hes handsom and amazing and just completely perfect. but im going to die. he wont know how i feel. if i live...im going to tell him. im going to spill my guts to him...i hope he wont reject me. i thik i would kill myself if he did. not physically just mentally. hes what keeps me alive everyday. and i think he loves me back. shit shouldnt get my hopes up

...i hate this i wish that i were better. i wish i wasent ugly i wish people really knew who i was... the inner most thoughts of me...my dreams...my fears...my hopes...my loves....my everything but no one does. they see the poison on the outside and dont want anything to do with me. i wish that people could say im pretty or im funny or im something that they acutally want. but i cant neither can they. people say they understand...they dont. im going through this alone and no one can help me. im going to be alone for the rest of my life....no one could stand me for that long. they would commit suside. better me then them though. then no one else would. everything would be perfect.

wow...this is amazing...i cant beleive i can feel this way....ah... talking to clayton. hes great. me makes me feel so special lol. hes awesome. i think im starting to love him. maybe. showed me some art today...can you beleive it?? he likes it too...crazy. serious tho...me n him have sooo much in common its almost scary. its kinda sweet tho....oh oh oh sexy picutre of a flower. i wanna fuck it. hell yes.

howdy. so...i wish i knew what other people were thinking. like not what they think about me. like i wanna read their minds. that would be cool. but like. i wanna know how they feel about me. like clayton i wanna like. you know. ask him out. but im afraid to. he'll like say. no gross get away from me you sick-o! and then i would cry. not really but we can pretend....well maybe so i dont know what to do. im all cunfussed. im thinkin about callin him. that would work. maybe. then we could talk about 'us'. see what i wanna know is... is there an 'us' or are we just a 'u' and 'i' and sometimes we get together for a 'we'? i need to know about this. lol yah.

wow i havent written for a long time. its not like any of you guys care tho. your probably happy. oh well. glad to burst your bubble. so im just sitting here trying to figure out whats been happening for the last little while. I mean james came and saw me...told me that he figured out what he needed to...ie hes ready to get back with me. i dont know if i can tho...im afraid i guess... thats wierd... everyone is telling me not to. i dont know where to turn. im scared im going to screw it up like everything else i have. i dont know. i cant even think. god i hate this. clayton was supost to call me. he makes me laugh. i like him lots! he makes me smile. teehee the phone just rang...wasent him. damnit. sigh. how depressing. i jump every time the phone rings...how steriotypical. i just want...shit. i dont know what i want. could someone tell me please???

so peach days sucked ass this year. people kept ditching me...stupid assholes i practically walked around all of Brigham by myself. it was fuckin borin. now when i was goin to hang out with clayton his parents go all psycho and says he cant hang out or shit. it pissed me off alot. i hate people they should die i want to kill them all.......... yay dead

this is so shitty. i hate it. so my ex boyfriend and my lesbian best friend hooked up...yah and they tried to hide it from me the fuckers..god i hate them right now. i cant even fucking think. "i dont want this to be a perminate thing..." what a fucking liar. but anyways... i wanna hook up with clayton...only i dont think he wants to hook up with me. so theres something else adding to my depression...oh joy. god why does everything have to go wrong?? why cant i just be fucking pretty enough for people to like me??? i cant even keep a fucking boyfriend who iw as engaged too...im a whore... god i hate myself i should fucking die

i cant think anymore... i need a new brain. i cant even finish sentances with out pausing. so school started.......... i have a bitchy teacher....my other teachers sweet tho he lit his desk of fire....it was cool. but anyways... saw james today....almost cried right in the middle of tech. it kinda sucked alot....i wish i could get over him... or have him back

hm.... man i havent written for a while. guess i should start with yesterday. James broke up with me. i knew something was wrong...just didnt know it was gunna be this... everything is now kinda a blurr...guess i wanted to block it from my memory. something about cant standing lying to my parental units...but whatever i do miss him hella bad tho....sigh i ahve been talking to clayton more...hes kinda cute... but i still miss james... how depressing

wow....this is what it feels like... i never knew i could feel so good about myself. he wouldent tell me when he was going to do it...he told me i would just have to wait...so i did...impatiantly...but it finally happened.... tonight. just a normal ride home...him just holding on to me...all that jazz then...as i was leaving the car...he pulled me back and grabbed my finger and pushed the ring on. i cant stop smiling... god i love him so much...more then life itself...its so beautiful too... its a little to big...but no big deal i would rather wear it on my thumb anyways... a secret engagement...isnt it fucking awesome?!?!???!?!??!?

so i just read through some stuff this morning...i still feel like shit.. why dont they get what i mean?? but yah. so i just want to make things better. my mom tells me i cant. she never lets me do anything. why cant i solve everyones problems??? but anyways. so im thinking about calling james. i should go call him right now huh. hes prolly still at elise's. i wish i could have gone with them. my mom would have said no tho. i wish he wasent mad at me. sigh but hey what the hell can i do?

why does bad things always happen to me??? why cant other people get bad luck?? man cant i say anything right? I mean...i try to make the thoughts in my head like atleast almost understandable...it just doesnt work. but anyways so yesterday me n nettie hung out alot cause james got mad at me...she was makeing me feel better she always makes me feel better. so we were just chilling and then we went and hung out with jish n james...i guess he wasent mad at me anymore...but jish still was... i hate it when people get mad at me. but hell what can i do?

so im currently sitting here in front of the computer...like every day...in pants and a bra...my still wet hair dripping down my back. man im bored. why do i torture myself like this everyday? i mean my friends invite me to do stuff and i just ditch them. im a lousy friend. i also feel like...second pryority to james...i mean...its not like i want all of his attention...i mean i dont want him to always be like...worrying about me or shit like that...i just...feel like...hes kinda forgetting me. i kinda feel left out...like he doesnt care anymore...i mean. yah i still love him...so so much...but..i dont know. its not like im going to break up with him...and its not like i want him to call me every 5 seconds...but i feel like im obsessing for no reason. i feel like im acting like heather...its horriable

so my dad told me its okay to cry. i dont get it. how can people like do that? it doesnt make sence to me. no one should cry. its a waste of an emotion. not like i have any anyways. what the hell. no one cares. go off in the corner and be all emo its not like anyone would notice. crying is weak. crying is stupid. no one should cry. i hate it. if you cry your a baby. if you cry your weak. no excuses. thats it. cold hard facts. i swear, for as long as i am living, a tear will never roll down my face again.

yah know...someone must not like me up there. i mean they must have it out for me or something...i mean...things really couldent get any worse from what im seeing..well okay so i could..but it wouldent really matter after that i guess...you know id just live in the shadows afraid of anything that changes the cold hard facts that ive grown up on. but hell what can you do? shit if i know. i would love to change the shit thats happened to me...but fuck it theres nothing that i can do. if i had a time machine that would make everything better. i would warn him..dont swim. check out your heart. but would it really have done anything? i bet it was destiany...but still i would have liked to talk to him once more...but i cant. pretty much fucked if i do fucked if i dont. so hey..who really cares about my feelings anyways. they just took him cause he was awesome and i loved him. thats the only reason why. god fuckers. i hate them. i want him back damnit! give him back to me! you had no right to take him!!!!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!!!!!

why do people always have to be bitchy?? maybe its just me..yah know like whenever their around me they just have to be bitchy...i dont know...dont ask me. i just wish that i could like...crush them between my fingers...stupid bitches...they're always just bein like gay...no offence to gays or nothin...its fucking retarded...so like this girl i know comes into the injured lane with me n hailey...fuck shes not even hurt...shes just tryin to get out of workout...i mean what a bitch..i wanted to beat her ass...stupid fucker...god

okay hey....im new at this so if you like dont like it bite me okay??? lol yah... so today all of my friends are trying to turn me into a vamp...i mean yah that would be totally cool...i mean who wouldent want to be a vamp in their right minds...but hey...im still like totally nervous cause like...i dont like pain...lol yah strange comming from an x cutter huh...but yah...i mean that would be totally cool...and they said id make a great vamp..im just...scared..yah its lame i know...lol