There are numerous things I want to know, I’m always looking for signs… but nothing. I am now a cause for concern student, this being that I swore in class to some prats that intently trying to upset me, I guess they won. Now I’ve always been told to stand up for myself, but when I do I am the one in the wrong. I love animals and I love this course, but the people are so malicious, why are people so wicked to each other? And they do this out of amusement. I love this quote that was from a CSI episode, “Animals don’t have judgement, animals have needs. Meet the needs and the animal is happy.” I like quoting things; it’s an agreement with what they have said without stealing those words, it also good to pick out things people have said to use as advice. I’m understanding how Callum feels, he told me that he wants for no one, he wants to be alone, completely. Self isolation can be good and bad, but keeping it at a constant is generally not the best of ideas. For a long time I isolated myself, then afterwards I was almost forced into a relationship with someone I didn’t want at the time and now who I hate, after the futile phase ended, I was alone for a month, and then was pulled into another relationship. It sometimes feels like everyone is trying to tear chunks off me. Being in constant relationships for over a year solid is very, very bad. It doesn’t give you time to re-collect yourself and heal, which in turn makes you weaker. I’m sick of being the so-called ‘weakling’, and now I’m slowly growing stronger day by day. Merv is the one I love and I know full well that he does not love me back; it was stupid of me to think that a person such as himself could ever love me. I’m the social outcast for Christ sake, and he’s everyone’s favourite puppy. I know now that’ll never ever work. My love for him is unconditional, I’ll love no matter what and there is nothing he can do or say that’ll make me think otherwise. I also ask nothing of him, nothing more than he’s willing to give. All in all I need to rely on me and myself only. I’ve learnt that in the grand scheme of things no one but no one is able to help or save you, so you shouldn’t ask them to. I know that what I want can never be delivered, but this doesn’t mean I shouldn’t pursuit it, because you never know, but I have learnt that more then often it isn’t going to go my way, and I can expect to be disappointed.

To become strong you need to go though a great deal for hardship and pain, although the withdraw of this could turn you into a quivering wimp. Strength doesn’t necessary mean physical strength, it’s emotional too. Emotional strength I believe is more beneficial to you than physical, sure you may be able to beat someone to a pulp but it doesn’t mean you’re strong. The body will only work at the pace of the mind, set the head in the correct direction and everything else will follow. Strength is more of a state of mind than anything else, strength brings power and power brings respect, no matter what you look like or how you dress, though certain ways of dressing portray strength more than other ways. You shouldn’t rely on others to save you, most of the time they can’t even save themselves. Also if you do find yourself in a situation and there is no one to help, what will you do then? Then again, when you really do need help don’t be ashamed to ask for it. Take all advice into consideration, because you never know when it’s going to be helpful. Bullying others is only a sign of weakness, although don’t hesitate to stand up for yourself when other try to bully you. Speak you mind, even if it gets you into trouble.

To a degree of angle I cannot expect much to gain from this experience. Abandonment defines the cruel force of cutting something/someone away from you and leaving them/it alone. It is a great fear of me because throughout my life, in the end, everyone leaves. I’ll be alone again. Although solitude is familiar to me, its common ground to be fair and I’m used to it, but walking alone isn’t cruelty put upon you… it is freedom. Freedom is something I strive for, though in this case I’m not free yet and I have been waiting for something/someone. What I’m saying/writing doesn’t necessarily need to make any sense at all, it is a wavelength of thought and I’m spilling out my thoughts as they come. I don’t read over what I write and correct it, I won’t go back on myself until I’ve finished. Even then I won’t change it. I love writing like this… the subject of pattern can jump and jump, meaning I could be saying/writing about one thing then the subject matter completely changes. This is stream writing. Abandonment can grant you freedom, the feeling of shredding everything away and beginning again, though you did not choose it, it is happening now. I can’t say I was ready for the abandonment enforced on to me, but I’m strong… it is hard to be strong when there is nothing to support you. Usually your support would be family + friends, but what happens when they disown you? What then? Is there anything? To be fair support can come from random strangers to, those ‘thrown-away’ friends you meet on public transport or in waiting rooms and never ever see again. Disposable friends I find more of a support then your normal friends. You can bleed your heart out to find comfort, and because this person doesn’t really know you and the likeness of seeing again is far and few between it won’t turn around and bite you in the butt later on. I find that you’ll be betrayed by someone you know closely more often than strangers, it is because you are close to them. With everything there will be a downfall sooner of later, it’s certain not a possibility, even with love and friendship, because in the grand scheme of things everything is doomed. Eventually everything will end. Our kin all know they are doomed, but ignore it until it is just around the corner, when it is too late and they realise they’ve wasted their life on fast cars and expensive houses. I hope that I’ll find true freedom before the end and shake away this dire feeling of abandonment.

I broke up with my boyfriend on saturday after reading what he had wrote about my brother. It saddens me that he just couldn't see why a thing like this would upset me so... and him not undersatanding why sometime like this would upset me just proves in itself that he does not know me. Although he think does. He said, "you make it too easy to let people know who you are." There are so many things I hide, he only sees what's on the surface and he believes that, that person really is me. There are so many things I couldn't say because I know it would hurt him, so many things I haven't done because I know he wouldn't like them. I believe that everyone hides and that even if you knew someone for a million years that you wouldn't truely know them. Some parts of a person are claerly visable but other parts lurk and hide behind the shadow of themselves and very truely appear but deep within the self consious of the mind. Plus he's not a mind reader... how can he tell what i'm thinking. I been hurting for a while now. I can't understand what's wrong with me, my mood has very low and I've also had spill of tears and it feels like it getting worse. My eating and sleeping habitrs have gone out the window. I can't sleep anymore, or I don't feel like it same with eating, I never really feel hungrey, and my wieght is dropping, I've lost about a stone so far. My body is in pain... lots if stomach pains.

I'm just the pieces of the woman I used to be Too many bitter tears are raining down on me I'm far away from home And I've been facing this alone For much too long I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me About growing up and what a struggle it would be In me tangled state of mind I've been looking back to find Where I went wrong Too much love will kill you If you can't make up your mind Torn between the lover And the love you leave behind You're headed for disaster 'cos you never read the signs Too much love will kill you Every time I'm just the shadow of the woman I used to be And it seems like there's no way out of this for me I used to bring you sunshine Now all I ever do is bring you down How would it be if you were standing in my shoes Can't you see that it's impossible to choose No there's no making sense of it Every way I go I'm bound to lose Too much love will kill you Just as sure as none at all It'll drain the power that's in you Make you plead and scream and crawl And the pain will make you crazy You're the victim of your crime Too much love will kill you Every time Too much love will kill you It'll make your life a lie Yes, too much love will kill you And you won't understand why You'd give your life, you'd sell your soul But here it comes again Too much love will kill you In the end... In the end.

I'm most likly staying in poolpe for christmas now... god, didn't christmas come quickly this year. Personally I'm not a fan of christmas to tell you the truth. To me it's a great big marketing scam + the fact you have to buy presents rather than wanting to. Town is way too crowded for me, it makes shopping so much more stressful + I HATE shopping with a deep passion. It stresses me out and makes me feel ill, also the fact that I find it incredibly boring. I more a person that likes to know what they want before hand rather than browsing. I want to get a snake bite piercing. Although I am worried that what if I don't want it anymore and it leaves a scar... hmmmmmmmm... I'll have to find out more about them. Anyway bye bye for now...

I'm in the process of trying to figure out why I'm so, so sad... I know that I miss the garden, it's but one of the reasons I'm sad. Although it's not so much that I miss that particuler garden we left behind, it more to do with the fact that I need a garden. Somewhere I can watch things grow, things that can feel proud about. It is meant to be the most beautiful place in someone's home/house. Our garden in the house we live in at the moment is so ugly, it's depressing to be out there for too long... I'm not too sure there is anything I can do to inprove it either. I've decided to make my bedrom my garden for now. I'll have to keep it tidy and uncluttered, plus I'll need more plants... plants = happiness, YAY. The fish tank can be the pond and the hamster... well I'm not sure the hamster can be anything but than what it is (hugs Serenity). I do like looking after animals... I was tidying my room this afternoon and it dawn on me how much I hate (and I mean really hate) mess and clutter... I also hate it when things don't have a place. So Chris, baby, please can't you take your books, CD's and other odd bits and bobs home. I actually couldn't ask you this in person... I dunno why, just couldn't. Oh Chris, thank you for the lovely note ^^ I felt so warm and fuzzy when I read that. Thank you so so much. Also thank you for getting me that werewolf mask... by the way I saw a stag on the way back from poole. It walked (calmly) right in front of the car... the road that we drove down was kinda creepy. Another thing, next time I'm really upset... you know, crying and that... I don't really want to talk about it (never do) can you just hold me and tell me eveything's going to be alright, plus don't make any remarks on anything I say... for example, last time i was upset I said "it's not really something people my age should worry about" you replied "how do you know that?" and you kept repeating it... you make me feel so small, I just wanted to curl up in a black hole and hide from the world then. I was looking for confort and you made me feel worse. Please, I'm begging you, please don't do that again. When I'm hurting, I just want to be held and told that everything is okay... Sometimes I wish for everything to be taken away... perhaps start this life again... I'm so cold... I love you...

I'm so awake. Perceptions of false neuro-psychological reality is confusing my head. I sometimes believe what I dream has really happened and wake and walk the next day confused and thinking about what hasn't happened. I also has some sort of hallucinations in the space between awake and asleep, for example, this morning I saw Chris lying next to me, but he wasn't really, it was, in fact, the duvet which I mistook for being him. Except the duvet looks nothing like him. When I hugged it, it distorted and morphed back into what it was supposed to be... I was very disappointed. Jay took me to the abby ruins today where 'alternative' people gather in great numbers. As soon as we got there I wanted to leave again. They make me sick. Went home again soon afterwards. It's raining now...

My Mum has left us again, gone on her two week hoilday. She's never here... I evny people who have real parents. Not one that runs off to magical pixie land all the time and the other who plays with computers on the seaside. About 90% of the time we're on our own. I HATE IT. I want my Mummy back... although, when she is here, I wish she would leave again... I can't stand the noise. The sadness of a breaking heart when her boyfriend hurts her. I heard him shouting at her once... me and tk were afraid, he sounded so angry and full of hate. She was crying. I was trying to dare myself to go downstairs and tell him to fuck off, but I was too scared... God, why am I such a coward? My Mum needed my support and I let her down... I am used to being alone, it's normal to me... and this house is no home... just a barn to keep my mother's offspring in, me, my brothers and sister. It's just a house. I haven't yet found my home, it's still out there. Waiting for me to return.

I still feel your breath on my skin I hear your voice deep within The sound of my lover - a feeling so strong It's to you - I'll always belong

I don't know what's wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me? I've been feeling sick the past few days... it's like someone is twisting my intestings around inside my body, I'm always feeling tired, my chest feels like it's being crushed and my gagging refects kick in every now and again. Maybe it's an illness, but it doesn't stop me from doing what I want, just hurts a great deal. Nowadays I'm missing Chris more and more, although the other night, I was too ill to even care for him being there... I didn't particulary care about what other people were saying/doing either, they were just a blurred reality... couldn't be bothered to leave for home though, it seemed miles and miles away. I remember thinking about leaving, or running after Chris when he left, but I didn't. This morning was weird, I woke up half in a sleepy trace facing the wall and wedged under that fucking shelf, I expect to see him lying next to me when I twisted around. He wasn't there of course. I started to cry, the knot in my belly was hurting again and the 'Spirit' songs were playing on my sterio. I missed him.

"Why are we afraid?" "Fear of loss, fear that we are losing what we had and how happy we were. That it is all going to disappear one day without notice. We will be left alone in the dark, decaying. Remembering what we lost." "What are we disgusted by?" "We're disgusted at the helplessness of this, the patheticness and that we, you and I, were the cause of it. We are the reason for loss. Not one half alone can be blamed, both have it. Disgust in ourselfs of letting go." "How can it be helped?" "What is said or done cannot be taken back, but perhaps it will heal given the course of time. Time is a great healer. Also in time we'll learn what we really want instead of what we think we want. We fear of becoming weak in ourselves because of this. Disgusted by weakness." "What about other people's weakness?" "Excactly, we need to be strong to purify, their weakness. I fear that this may suffer. Our fear and disgust now is only directed at ourselves at the time being. We do fear for other people, we are disgusted by others. We fear for one inperticular, also the cause of our loss." "Who?" "The only person who can turely calm the beast, because I'm produced by negative feelings and the feelings disappears in the presents of this person. Although they do tend to flare up sometimes, but then mostly calmed again soon atferwards, when being spoken to. My evil eyes are fixed on everyone else, we don't trust them." "It's important to atleast trust some people." "You do, I won't... I'm just sometimes calmed by one."

This has recently become my new motto in life - "When you're feeling like crap, put on a happy face, and remember folks, there is always someone worse off than you." I keep thinking about his beautiful, sapphire blue eyes staring up at me from the milky white, soapy water in my bath tub. I never want to hurt him, or see tears form those gorgeous eyes. Foresight tells me, that at the bitter end, I am going to hurt him, one day. It sickens me to think of hurting someone so beautful, not only on the outside, but inside as well. I just must be a horrible person... "If love is red, then she is colour blind" - Savage Garden

My sleep pattern is totally screwed up the ass... jesus. I'm going to bed at 4 to 5 in the morning and waking up 3 to 4 in the afternoon. It also takes me an hour to get to sleep every night. The reason for this is because I have too many things spinning around my head, also the dreams I am having of late are just well... werid, also I have 3 to 4 different dreams each night. The latest dream I can remenber is being stuck in a jam jar upside down also the fact that I was not me, but a black & white dog with a snake for a tail. The snake kept biting me (doggy me) in the face, I remember asking it, "Why do you keep biting me? If I die from your poison you will also die with me." The snake replied, "Seeing as we are one, you are biting yourself, you are your own woste enemy." I woke up after that, I still thought I was in the jam jar and I started shaking my head to get the snake off, although I quickly realised it was a dream. I remember this because I had woken suddenly and though about it for te next half an hour before going back to sleep to print it onto my memory... I guess it worked.

While up in bournemonth my Dad took me down the beach in the middle of the night. I had too much energy, I needed to run to burn it. Feeling the sand under my feet I ran and ran, ran, ran and ran, like a wild horse. Singing Bryan Adams - You can't take me... Got to fight another fight - I gotta run another night Get it out - check it out I'm on my way and I don't feel right I gotta get me back - I can't be beat and that's a fact It's OK - I'll find a way You ain't gonna take me down no way Don't judge a thing until you know what's inside it Dont' push me - I'll fight it Never gonna give in - never gonna give it up no If you can't catch a wave then your'e never gonna ride You can't come uninvited Never gonna give in - never gonna give up no You can't take me I'm free Why did it all go wrong? - I wanna know what's going on And what's this holding me? I'm not where I supposed to be I gotta fight another fight I gotta fight will all my might I'm getting out , so check it out Ya, you're in my way So you better watch out

You fear the sun, so you hide Do not blame youself, you tried Deep down in the depts of rock The door is sealed with a chain and a lock Your beauty remains Though your soul restrains Nails and cut glass Spead across the dying pass A place so dark shadows the mind A place that they will never find Once the night slips away You stay to the shadows and pray Somewhere birds are singing Somewhere fish are swimming Not for you, never You are darkness forever Like a cut throat knife A reaper, that ends life

My brother, Paul, has found this very interesting new band orginated from Reading. They are called 'Exit Ten' which is a bit bizarre, or maybe not. Paul believes they should have called themselves 'Exit Twelve' because that's the exit you take off the M4 (I think) to Reading. I have no idea where exit ten off the M4 goes. Oh well. Anyway be sure to check them out, they are quite good. Or from my point of veiw anyway. I've been thinking about visiting Clare bear ^^, I haven't seen her since school broke up. Clare is a book worm and a walking diconary (sp), you can ask her the meaning of any word and she'll tell you what it means exatally, It's fantastic ^^.

Every now and then the fan turns to face me blowing away the heat that is boiling me. Music is making up with the background noise, I can hear it, but not understand the words. I am gulping down hot chicken soup in a Homer Simpson mug, perhaps a bit ironic drinking something hot when I am already boiling out my skin. I like the taste though, the heat doesn't really bother me as long as the fan continues to blow in my direction. Cooling me down. I noticed that it's been ages since I last wrote in here, so seeing as i'm not doing anything remotly interesting at the present moment I thought I would take the time to write in an update on my life... if anyone's interested. If not then it's for myself to look over, as the months drift on... as they do. Recently I've got back in touch with Christopher Bloomfeild, in matter of fact he's here now. Not in the same room, he's upstairs doing whatever he needs to do. As for where is here, here is at my Dad's in Poole, for the ignorant, Poole is near bournemouth. It's his first vist here apparently, I think he's enjoying himself, I hope so anyway. Yeserday we went to the beach, I found, or me a my dad, this swarm of crabs in the sea, there were literaly thousands of them all clumped together in one big mass. At first I thought they were just a rock... would have been quite painful if we stepped on them me thinks. I managed to catch in total nine big crabs. The biggest one was mind-blowingly huge. It's main shell could barely fit in my hand, not to mention all the legs that stuch out in different directions theatingly. Each legs must have been about ten inches long, although, as big as this creature was it's claws were patheticly small and wouldn't really hurt if you got your finger trapped in one. We've come in contact with quite a few different animals down here. Appart from the crabs, there's been foxes, frogs, cats and hedgehogs. Oh I have to tell you about the hegdehogs. Chris spotted one sniffing about in the back garden. It diappeared behind the shead for a moment then reappeared again. I had the idea of catching it in a bucket, which I did by sort of shoving it in the right direction with a bit of wood. so now we have a hedgehog in a bucket. When we put our hands near it to feel it's brislles or spikes, it half coiled up, unsure if we were a danger to it or not. After a while it decided we weren't a threat and put all it's energy into trying to get out the bucket. When I picked it up with a tea towel it coiled completely up like a spike brown football. I also had a go at holding it without a tea towel, I could feel all the brislles pokeing down on my skin, but it didn't really hurt at all. We decided to let it run around the kitchin, the doors to the living room and garden were closed to keep it in the kitchin, then it wedged itself between two units... shit. Me and Chris spent a good half an hour trying to get it it out again. We could reach it but couldn't get it out, it was firmly wedged. It did come out again on it's own accord, after we left it alone for a while. We released it back in the woods soon afterwards. The second thing that happened with a hedgehog is where all the traffic up the road had stopped because this one little hedgehog was crossing the road. The traffic only started up again after the little hedgehog was safely in the hedge on the oppsite side of the road. It's very sweet.

I'm not as happy as I feel I should be..... at the moment I feel like I'm not worthy enough for anyone to love me. It's a bit depressing.

I haven't hardly been in school this week, I really can't be arsed. You know what's really pissing me off? That we, the only year 11 in the history of bulmershe, have to come back to school the next week after the last day and prom. It's fucking bullshit! I'm most likely not going to prom anyway, basicaly I dislike most of my year and spending the night is a fucking dress with those fucking morons is not my cup of tea... that's if I liked tea. In other news, I'm taking the day off on friday to go into Londen, Camden. I want to get some rock boots :) I miss Henry, it's only been a few day since I last saw him, but I'm feeling really shit at the moment. I need a hug... big hug. :(