I started this thing as a way to keep up with my friends, but seein as how due to excess amounts of drama many have stopped using. I guess i will too

There is no difference! I want people to stop saying there is! It doesn't matter if you can use em for a recommmendation or not! In fact, if you can use em for a recommendation, why the crap do you need to? Why don't you still have your fucking job? Well as you can see, I am ranting because for the first time in my job history, I have been "laid off". And I am annoyed at how people are saying, "Well, you weren't fired, hun." I don't give a crap! I still only have one job now instead of two. Now I know you're wondering why because anybody who knows me knows that I am a hard-worker and basically what it boils down to was the person who was supposed to train me wasn't (he got "laid off" yesterday as well for his numbers not being hi enough. HELLO!) and I refuse to be a cutthroat sleazy salesperson. See I have these pesky things called morals and I'm not going to push people around to make a sale, and that's obviously the type of people that they prefer working there, so they can KISS MY ASS! Oh yeah, ya wanna know the kicker? They hired the guy back that was our assistant manager that up and quit in September. He just went in and threw his key down on the owner's desk. Deena and I had to work open to close every fucking day for two weeks after that shit happened. AND THEY HIRED HIM BACK! And it wasn't he came back in and apologized and pleaded for his job back. NO! THEY CALLED HIM AND PLEADED WITH HIM TO COME BACK! Well yesterday he called and said he was going to be a little late. He strolled in at 6 pm when the store closes at 7 pm and the owner that let me go (some sleazy nasty looking guy that I had never met until yesterday) looked at him and said give me one good reason why I shouldn't fire you and the guy said I don't know, why don't you? and the owner said alright, bye. And just like that, he was fired. So now Deena has to work today because they're shorthanded. It's so fuckin funny. I was talkin to Deena's husband and he said, "Don't be suprised if they call you back." And I told him "Dont be suprised when I tell them to Kiss My Ass!" Ok, so now that I'm threw venting about that. Last Saturday I turned 21! And it was awesome! (Ok, the 8:30 am sales meeting and working until 6 was not, but after that it was). We went to Hooters for dinner and then to a little bar called Sharkies. I had a blast. All of my friends were just shoving drinks in my face, saying "Here Tori, drink this!" And of course, I'm just like "OK!" I got so wasted, but no vomit and no hangover! All of my friends there were awesome and just having a great time. Things got a little interesting to say the least. Now, if I can figure out how to get these darn things on here, I'll show ya some pictures.

So yeah, I miss my Texas thunderstorms...I love rain, I just don't want drizzly depressing crap that makes everyone in Washington freak out...like it's going to melt their cars or some bullshit like that. Anywho...I have a date tonight! I went out with him on Monday and we had a great time. They made a mistake of giving us crayons that they normally give little kids....yeah, they ended up broken and all over the floor after our two hour crayon fight. It was great fun. At the end of the night he just walked me half way to my car and then gave me a hug and told me to call him later this week and we'd do somethin...ok...its 2005 and the guy didn't try to kiss me and gave me the "we'll do something later" routine...so I'm thinking he's either not interested or gay. Welp, I talked to him on Thursday and he asked to spend the day with me on Saturday, but seein how I have to work...the day option wasn't really there. So then he asked if he could spend the evening with me when I got off of work...so there ya go...I guess he's interested! Whoo-hoo! It's odd that I'm happy about that, but oddly enough I am. I got a phone call saying that I would probably have to testify at Michael's court martial...that should be interesting...Like I don't have enough stress factors in my life right now. I spoke with my mom earlier and they put her on some antibiotics that counteracted with her cancer treatment and now her thyroid is all out of whack. My biggest fear: her dying and me having no way to be there for her to ease her pain....

LOL Outta nowhere the opening song from Grease came on the radio. I love that song! I just picture the opening of the movie, it's great fun! So yeah, anyway. Things are goin pretty good. I like my job...just getting annoyed with the guy who's supposed to be our new manager. He pretends to be positive with the big boss and then he comes into the store and is all pissy and all he can do is talk about how much he hates working here....so then fuckin quit already, SHEESH! It's not that hard to figure out, if you're not happy here and it's that bad...if it's to the point where you can't find any happiness in the situation, then pull yourself out of the situation or else stop bitching about it cause you have no one to blame but yourself. Ok, there's my little soapbox for the day. Have a great day!

Well, I had two days off and they were fabulous! I did nothing but chill with friends and organize my apartment and play with the kitties! May sound absolutely boring to you, but I was loving it. Well this morning I get up to go to work and my nose is stuffy, throats scratchy (yesterday I was havin dizzy spells) and I feel a headache coming on. I think I may be gettin sick...YUCK! That's not good cause I'm not gonna have any off days till next week and then I may not be off cause I'm gonna see if I can get some hours at a gnc...I don't know...depends on how I feel. I'm probably gonna stop and get some Airborne or something. Oh well. Well I have to go run a couple errands before work, so that's all for now!

so yeah, i guess i just slept wrong or something cause my shoulder does not feel good. i finally got my kitties in my new apartment last night, they love it! i can't believe they are getting so big, they'll be five weeks on thursday. I already have two given away and a friends mom is gonna check with one of her friends to see if she wants the other one, which leaves the one that looks just like his daddy (i'm keeping that one). His name is Meaty cause he's huge, but I love him so much and his eyes are blue. Now I know that kitten's eyes are blue, but the others have already changed and his have not, so i think they're gonna stay that way, FUN! so still enjoying my new job. some people i work with get kinda cranky cause they hate the company, but that's with any job and not to mention they've been here much longer, so they've had time to build up animosity where as i have not. dating a couple people, well not really dating, well i don't know it's hard to describe. yeah, i dont know. the girl that michael was with admitted to me the other night that they were fooling around while we were still married, as in before the divorce papers were filed. yeah, i knew it, but she finally admitted it. oh well, what's done is done. i think i need new tires on my car, i'm debating between buying contacts or new tires...hmmm...i think the new tires might outweigh the contacts, just cause sometimes when i'm driving it gets a little bumpy and i am aware that is the road as well, but still, some of it is my tire. I did the little penny test and yeah, definately need new tires. I also wanna get a new mattress, but i think that might have to wait until novemberish...just have to wait and see. well as far as i know, none of my friends were injured during the hurricane down south, so i'm very thankful for that. i was so worried cause my mom couldn't leave her apartment because she didn't have anywhere to go and she was having some health problems and since houston was evacuated she couldnt go to md anderson and the hospitals in her area were only taking life and death situations, so she couldn't get any medical attention, so I was worried sick about her. I was talking to her on the phone and I started crying and had to stop myself so she wouldn't get upset and have a panic attack. The past few days I've been dealing with hurting someone whom I care very much about, I just can't be what he needs right now, and it hurts a lot. He's in the marines and he wants me to be committed to him and I told him I'm just not at a point in my life where I can do that. I told him he deserves a whole person and I am not a whole person right now, I'm getting there, but I am far from it. I told him that I was gonna date other people and then the other night he told me that it was too hard for him and he couldn't do it anymore and I said that was fine I understood. Well then he made the mistake of saying that I wanted to date other guys because I dont think about him or care about him. so of course I went off like there was no tomorrow. I didnt talk to him for about a day and a half and I told him that I think its just better if we're friends and nothing more because this is obviously to much for him and he apologized and said no its not he was just letting the jealousy talk and I told him oh well, i'm not gonna do that again. I will be damned if I'm gonna have someone else say that I dont care about them when I do. Yesterday when we were talking he said i love you and i told him he cant say that to me if we're just gonna be friends, so that bothered him a lot and now he's depressed. well this morning when I talked to him he said that he wanted things to go back to the way they were, so he could say that I love you and have me say it back. I told him that we were not there anymore and I dont see us getting back there because I can't hurt him this much. So yeah, there's that. I dont know what it is, I just wanna chill, not date anyone exclusive, I dont want a serious relationship, but all the guys I meet either just wanna f*ck or they want a committment. I don't want either one of those. I just want people to chill with. If i do date a guy, I want someone funny, mature, knows how to have a good time and is 6'1" or taller. I'm not asking for a whole hell of a lot here. Apparently I am though cause I can't find shit for what I'm looking for.

So things are definately looking up over here! I got my apartment two days ago. That's right, my apartment, not an apartment I'm sharing with someone, IT'S ALL MINE! Well, of course there's Peatree, but she doesn't really count all that much. Yesterday, Michael was finally served with the divorce papers, his 1sg said that he got really red and his voice was scratchy and he could barely talk. He said that it's not fair because he doesn't have a say in what happens and I told his 1sg that he did have a say in what happens, he made his choices and now he has to deal with them and I am through feeling bad about it. Not really, I still feel some pangs of guilt at times and wonder if I overexaggerated about things, there is no way he could have done all of that crap and then I remember that he did and just try to forget about it and we all know how well that works lol! But anywho, I'm doing really well at my new job! Yea me! I have some good friends up here that have really been there for me, although, I'm not too sure about one of them anymore. Yesterday she told me that she didn't think she would be able to go out with me on my 21st birthday if her husband isn't back from Arkansas because she just can't go out without him because it wouldn't be right. But yet the other day when her and I and another friend were out at dinner, she said while he was away (he's in the NAVY) we'll have plenty of time to go out and drink. I think she was just being bitchy yesterday cause I also told her that I wanted to have a little sleepover housewarming type of party deal and she said she couldn't come because she doesn't like another one of my friends and I was like, come one you can't deal with her for about ten or twelve hours, and she said no. And it's not like they have major issues or anything like that, she just doesn't really care for her that much. I'm not trying to be selfish, I just thought we could all have a good time together, but no, she has to be a bitch and let her husband control her as usual, whatever, to each his own I guess. So moving on, well, actually, I think that's pretty much about it. I think anyways lol. Just life being life I suppose.

So yeah, not a lot happened yesterday. Worked all flippin day and then chilled with a friend after work. Pretty normal day I suppose. And then work today and cleaning when I get off. Not a whole lot going on. I thought a lot about what I wrote yesterday. I sometimes wonder if I'm in these situations because I put myself there. Do I feel the need to put myself in drama so I can feel like my life matters, like I have a purpose. Could I be happy in a life with minimal "crisis"? Who knows? I have all sorts of strange attractions right now. I'm trying to focus on what makes me happy and the only things I'm coming up with right now is if I'm seen as desirable or I can make someone else feel good, once again, how I feel and what makes me feel good is getting placed on a back burner because I can't allow their feelings to take over mine. I understand that some of this may sound repetitive but it's going over and over in my mind and I just want it to stop and I can't. Maybe I do need that medication after all. LOL

It seems to me that is what we as humans thrive off of. Why can't we ever be happy when we are happy? We complain day in and day out how we wish things could be simple and drama free, but if that is true, then why is there so much of it flying about? Just doesn't make much sense to me. I am a very outspoken person and anyone who knows me will tell you that I will be the first one to share my opinion and if you agree, fabulous, if not, I don't really care a whole hell of a lot. But some things don't need to be taken so seriously and then some things should be taken more seriously than what they are. I feel like I may be falling into a trap. I watched Girl, Interrupted last week and felt a certain closeness with Wynona Ryder's character. I want to find out who I am and at most times I know, and then there are spurts in between where I feel such fits of rage and sadness and I just want to hurt him so much. How could he do the things that he did? What did I do to make him feel those things about me? How could he throw away our life together or did we ever really have a life together? Did I just fool myself into thinking that we did as an escape to get away from the things back home I no longer wanted to deal with? And if that's the truth, then what does that say about me? I know that's not the case, I believed whole-heartedly that we had an actual relationship and I thought that if I provided him with enough emotional support I could help him become the man that he said he wanted to be. Maybe the case is that he didn't want to become a man, well there is no maybe to it, he didn't want to. He wants to be an immature brat and get what he wants without having to do any of the work that you have to put forth to have a life worth having. Back to my borderline personality thing...I have times where I feel like that, they normally come late at night when I can't sleep or when I'm driving around or just when I start thinking. For instance, the other night I went to the fair with one of my friends and her husband and his sister and her boyfriend and my friends husbands sister asked me if I was in my apartment yet and told me that Deena told her about some of my situation and I just started thinking about it and started feeling very crappily. Of course it didn't help that I played the fifth wheel that night. Not that I'm having a problem getting dates or anything like that, I'm actually having an issue with too many guys being interested in me at the moment, imagine that, I think that's just hilarious. But seeing them together and me being by myself, that just kinda sucked. And back to the numerous guys, I've seen a few, but nothing serious, obviously I won't be ready for anything serious for quite some time, but I'm just concerned that I'm going to get caught up in just having fun and lose myself and who I am. I am much happier being in a serious relationship with someone I care deeply about and the feelings are returned. But I want someone who respects me and will be honest with me and take care of me on those rare occassions when I feel like being protected. Has any of this made sense to you, cause I'm getting kinda confused, but these are my thoughts, so here you go. My drama director from the last high school I went to said I mind masturbated too much. I think she may be right. I have two guys who care very much about me and would like to have a serious relationship with me and they are both great guys and any girl would be lucky to have either one of them, but they are both military and I am just way too emotionally insecure and selfish to be with someone who will spend most of our relationship away from me. At any other time in my life it would not be a problem, but I just cannot deal with that. I just want someone to spend time with and be a good friend and not cause any of the drama bullshit that my life is surrounded in right now. I wish...well it doesn't really matter what I wish because it can't come true. I just wish that people could deal with their problems maturely and let things go. If you know a relationship is over, don't hang on to it and don't try to be friends until the wounds are healed because all you will do is drag it out and end up hurting each other so much more and possibly lose great friendships. Don't talk smack about people behind their backs, especially if you havent already or are going to say it to their face. Let people be who they are. Everyone's different. Do you really think that everyone needs to be exactly alike? Is everything going to be all better if everyone walks around doing the same thing, wearing the same thing, saying the same thing? Yeah, I don't know what this entry was supposed to be and I sure as hell don't know what it ended up as. This is why I have sleeping problems right here, because I can't stop thinking. It doesn't matter what it's about. I just can't stop thinking and it's driving me bonkers. And I don't want to think about him because then I'm letting him occupy more time of my life and I refuse to let that happen. He stole enough from me. He's locked up, he can't have anything else damnit.

I didn't select a mood because there is no limit to my moods these days lol. Well I know it has been quite a while since I have last posted. I have been rather busy and staying with friends who do not have interent access so I have not been online much other than using yahoo messenger on my cell phone. Lots of updates but they can only be brief in detail due to ongoing court procedures. One: Michael was arrested for reasons I will divulge at a later date. Two: He was served with the protection order and on Monday I went to court to have it turned into a permanent restraining order, which the judge did grant for one year. At that time if I feel I am still in danger I can go back and have it extended. I filed my divorce papers last Friday, so hopefully by Christmas I will be a free woman...yep, there are many other things I want to say but cannot just in case he or one of his friends looks here and finds things about me that could endanger me. So for the next few months, things will be brief. Have a good day and thank you those of you who offered encouraging words!

Well last night Michael came home and demanded that I give him $200 (while he was high) and I told him that I did not have that amount of money to give him. Well, the argument escalated and he felt it necessary to hit me. A neighbor heard me screaming so she came over and I made it to the door and she asked if i was ok and i said no and to call the cops. Michael told her we were fine and I said no we are not (she could see him grabbing me, preventing me from leaving the house). When she started going back to her house to call the cops he pushed me out the door. I went to her place and by the time the officers arrived he had already left, so there should be a warrant out for his arrest for assault. As of 630 tomorrow morning, he will be awol, so he'll be getting in trouble for that as well. Well, he felt it would be a good idea to take my phone since its in his name since the phones i had in my name had to be disconnected because of the $1000 phone bill he ran up (i'm not lying, the phone bill was 90 pages long). So today he's calling my friend asking where I am because he needs to talk to me, so I finally talk to him and he starts asking for $20 so he can get gas so he'll be able to go to work...and he basically is being is dilluted, drug-addicted self and says that I'm trying to keep him from living with money that he earns and all of this other bullshit. Then he tells me that if I give him the $20 that he will give me my phone back and i told him he can keep the damn phone because i already have another one and he proceeds to call me (exact quote): "A fucking dirty bitch and a cock-sucking whore" So I tell him, you know what? the words Fuck You! come to mind and hang up on him. Well he calls back and he's telling me how I need to give him that money and I told him I wasnt giving him shit because I was willing to give him some money last night before he went ballistic, but then he did what he did, so now he's not getting a damned thing from me. He then proceeds to say that he didnt touch me last night, that he only grabbed my wrist once to prevent me from hitting him because I tried to hit him numerous times. He then tells me that he hopes that I enjoy being lonely and abused my whole life because that's all I'm ever going to be because I'm a stupid bitch and that no one is ever going to want to be with me because of love because I am too much of a stupid controlling manipulative bitch and that guys are only going to use me for sex and then break it off when they get tired of me....so that's the gist of it i guess, which basically translates into him trying to put all of the blame on me so he doesnt have to accept responsibility of his actions, oh yeah, he also said that he started popping again because I was too much of a bitch for him to deal with. When he came home last night, there was a small mark on his neck that looked like a hickey and he said today that it was a spider bite and then he also said that even if it was a hickey it doesnt matter and I said oh yes it does because we're still married and that's called adultery and you can go to jail for that because you are in the military. It wouldnt suprise me if he is fuckin someone else...actually it would because he tends to have problems in that area, but we wont go there with it. I did something that I'm kinda ashamed of though. A few months after we got together he got me this stuffed cow and theres a whole cutsie story behind it, but it was very special to me. Well, i got a knife last night and cut it from throat to belly and pulled all of the stuffing out of the shell and put it on his keyboard. I know its childish and i probably shouldnt have done it, but I was very angry. You know whats funny though? Whenever he comes off of this shit and he's spazzing out, hes gonna be asking for me and I'm not going to be there, no one will be there because his "friends" sure as hell don't give a rat's ass about him...and I don't anymore either. Thats not true, a part of me still loves him...but who he was. But the part that scares me is I don't think I ever really knew him. When we first got together I had a very hard time trusting him, just something my gut wouldnt let go of and I did. Always trust your instinct.

Well, he came home at 6 am to get some stuff for work and we didn't talk for about the first 10-15 minutes he was home getting ready then he says that he's gonna come home during his lunch break to talk about things because I said some things that really upset him last night. I told him I had to open the store and he said that he would come up to the mall and I told him no. Well then he said that he would come home when he got off of work so that we could talk about it and I said well I hope you're not to busy with Ruez to make it hope and he said "Too busy with Ruez" and I saidy "Yeah, that's why you didn't come home last night." and he said, "No, I didn't come home last night because you got pissed off that I didn't bend over backwards to make you happy and made a decision for myself." So of course that got me HOT! So we argued for about five minutes or so and then he said that he had to go and he would come home and I said "Yeah, just like you came home last night?" So then he says "Fine, I'll call you" and shut the door. So I feel like Drew Barrymore in "Riding In Cars With Boys" because I am standing out on the front porch yelling at my husband. So we end it with him saying that he was going to come home so we could talk. Well I found out today that there was another check written so I called to tell him about it and of course he didn't answer and I left him a voicemail and he didn't call me back. Well, when I get home around 6:15, some of his clothes are gone along with his toothbrush, deodorant, and razor and he left like eight cigarettes sprawled across the coffee table. So I called him and said, "Wow, you didn't come home when you were supposed to. I guess you decided to come and get some of your shit when I was at work instead of coming home and talking like you said you were going to. I don't know why you only grabbed some of your shit and didn't take all of it but I guess you'll be doing that tomorrow when I'm at work. Well, whatever, bye." So I call his seargant and tell him about what happened and told him that I want to go tomorrow and start the papers for a divorce cause this whole time after he got out of the hospital was a trial to see what happened and how much of an effort he was making to change. And he was doing a hell of a lot better, but I just don't think that there's anything worth fighting for anymore because I'm not gonna be the only one standing here trying to make this marriage work. I've said that statement one too many damn times to continue to try with him. It's over. My wedding ring is on his computer desk. I'm sure his is out the window down I-5 somewhere and if not it should be, because it seems like that's about how much he cares about us. Oh well, it doesn't matter anymore because even if he does care, I just don't think that I do anymore. I have no energy left to try to make this work.

Yeah, so once again, my husband and I are arguing. Oh look at that, big fucking suprise! I am beginning to not want to be around him at all. Ok, so the whole thing tonight was I asked him if he wanted to go to Lacey with me when we got off of work (we got off at the same time) to go get my new hire packet for the furniture store and he said he didn't want to go because he wanted to come home and get his shit ready for tomorrow. So that was cool I understood, that way we could spend the rest of the evening together. Well, I get home about 45 minutes later and his ass isn't home yet so I call him and ask him where he is and he tells me that he stopped off at Auto Zone to look at a couple of things, one of which is a headlight for his car. Well he doesnt get paid until Friday so we can't get it until then anyway, but even if he was just checking the price, it would have taken about two seconds and not to mention, that could have been done by phone. So he comes home and we're not talking and we get into it again, so he's leaving to go meet his friend for a copy of windows xp...and he's just supposes to go meet him and then come straight home. Well, about an hour passes so I call him to find out where he is and he says hes over at this dudes house cause I didn't believe that he was just gonna meet him and come home, so he decided to stay there (now I received this information after having to call three times because the first two he hung up on me and the first time he hung up on me I heard the little alarm that goes off when you have your door open and your keys are in the ignition). So I say Fine, then I'm gonna go do what you don't believe I haven't done (which is cheat on him) and I hang up on me. He tries to call me back about six or seven times and each time I answer and hang up on him. So yeah, that's where I stand right about now with his ass. I was talking to Nicole and she's having trouble with her husband who is a selfish asshole who never gets her anything and everything is about him and whatever he wants. She is so upset that she's not going home right now, she's over at a friend's house. She made the comment that it seems like we're pissed off at our husbands more than we are happy with them and it sucks to say that it is true. I am just so unhappy right now....I have no idea what to do. How much is enough? When have you tried enough? How long do you stand beside the person you love? When do you cross the line of being there for that person into the line of stupidity? I ask because I fear that I am dangerously close to crossing that line; actually I'm afraid I have already crossed it. What do you think? Would you stay any longer or would you leave?

Well it is 2:35 in the morning and I can't sleep and apparently neither can my husband because he is out riding around and I couldn't go with him because he wouldn't be able to get tired if I went with him. Is it just me or does that sound like a load of shit? Some chick that's in his unit called around 12:30 but he didn't answer the phone because we were in the middle of something, but she didn't leave a voicemail and if she was calling him at 12:30 in the morning, it better be something important about work and if it was so important why did she not leave a voicemail? And why is he now gone? I would never in my wildest dreams think that Michael would cheat on me...these days I'm not so sure. Last night a girl called his phone and I answered and she said she had the wrong number. I also told him that night that I didn't know if I could ever trust him again because every tim I have trusted him he has ripped out my heart and stomped on it. I told him I wanted a divorce because it wasn't fair to either one of us to be in a relationship where there is no trust and he said that I should give it time to build the trust back...I know that the trust isn't going to come back after one night, but it sure as hell isn't going to come back when there are chicks calling him in the middle of the night and he's looking up shit about e for his friends on the net. Hell, for all I know, he's still doing that shit. For all I know, he's there fucking her right now. He got very angry with me last night for accusing him of cheating on me because he swears up and down that he would never do anything like that to me because he would never want to hurt me like that. But the question is, does he think he can do it without me finding out about it and that way he can do it without me getting hurt? Once again, I'm very confused. I just finished a book by Sylvia Browne and I must admit that I have been a bit weirded out the past couple of nights. I'm assuming the only people who read this are my friends and you all know that for a while I practiced Wicca so I was very in touch with the spirit world, now I'm not. But the thought of me opening up my eyes and having a ghost or spirit standing above me watching me is somewhat disturbing and I can't seem to shake that feeling. It is that feeling that prevents me from finding the sandman this morning. For everytime I begin to dose, I am startled by what appears to be nothing and my heart is racing. I think it is something telling me that there is something very wrong going on. What amazes me is a conversation I had with a friend of mine the other day. I told her how I was feeling and she said she doesn't believe in ghosts or spirits. She says that is what happens when you are raised in a christian home. Here I am confused. How can you believe in God and not believe in spirits? Or even better, how can you believe in God and not believe in Satan? What people do not seem to realize is that they come hand in hand. It does not mean that you worship Satan if you recognize his existance. I have to laugh at those who say that they are christian but they do not believe in the devil. For a while when I was claiming to be aethiest so I would not have to face those who were too ignorant to understand Wicca, I was faced with numerous arguments from people claiming that I was a devil worshipper. Once again, if someone does not believe in God, they DO NOT believe in Satan. The two are connected. Some people's logic confuses me so. So apparently tomorrow I am supposed to go to the gym because I have not gone at all in the past three months and I am very disappointed in myself for allowing the previous events to prevent me from taking care of myself. I have definately felt a difference in my energy levels. Last weekend I went over to my friends house and got very very drunk. I have not been that drunk since senior prom (the first time I ever blacked out from drinking). Needless to say, I blacked out last Saturday. My friend did as well. My friend's husband had never seen her that drunk before and she said some very harsh things to him about their relationship. Well, since I was around her the first time he saw her get that drunk and she hurt his feelings, what else would be the logical thing other than to blame it on me? That is exactly what happened. He said that he doesn't think I am a good influence on her. This is amazing to me, because other than Chris's bitch of a mother, I have never been referred to as a bad influence, even though I am very outspoke and for the most part a bitch. I understand he was just searching for an easy way out when he said that, but it still hurt nonetheless. But I think he's over it now. I know he was also concerned for her job because she is my manager and we could both get fired for partying together because we are supposed to maintain a profesional distance, but that's all about to change because I got the job at the furniture store, so as of the 21st I will only be an oncall employee for GNC, which is cool, because it means I'll work there a couple of days a month for a little extra pocket money and I will still be able to continue to get my extra 30% discount. Which even if I didn't I have a couple of friends who would get me my stuff. I'm hoping that the furniture is what I need right now, if not, I know I will always have a place with GNC and since I am going to stay on as an oncall employee, if things don't work out I can go back fulltime and my raise won't start over, so that will be cool. But I pray that the furniture store will be what it is supposed to be for my pocketbook. Wow, this thing turned out to be very random...just kinda jumps from one thing to another...its kinda funny...well I guess I'm gonna go for now...maybe I'll go in a chatroom or two...or maybe I'll try to be an adult and let Michael do whatever he wants, even if that is throw our marriage away, and just go to sleep.

Well, let's see here....things definately got a hell of a lot worse before they got better...I actaully don't feel like talking about it, maybe at a later date. I do need a destress day which I will be taking tomorrow. I'm hoping that it will be sunny so I can drive to the mini beach off of sixth street and get some type of centering time. And to top things off, one of Michael's fuckin skeezbag friends stole a check and wrote it at walmart for $220, but that's ok, cause we'll be pressing charges tomorrow and he will be going to jail. And he's in the military, so he will get in trouble with them as well, and walmart may press charges against him. So basically the bastard will fry! Yeah! Kinda makes up for me not breaking Michael's window that night to beat him up. There has been so much going on, it's kind of hard to think straight sometimes. I've started keeping a journal in my purse that I can write it whenever I feel the need to vent. Michael saw it the other day and asked to read it and I asked him to respect my privacy and to let me have that to myself. He wasn't happy about it, but he understood. I let him read the previous entry that is private because he asked, I told him I didn't want him to because it would show him truly how angry I was. Well the entry was private because I didnt want him to see it, but now that he has, I guess I will take the block off so you can all see. I may eventually delete it because there is just so much hate and anger. It's not healthy to keep that around. Well that's all for now, I think I'm off to bed, or something. I've been exhausted here recently (imagine that), last night I fell asleep while Michael was in the shower and like two nights before that I fell asleep in the middle of a massage. I think this is my body's way of bitching at me. Last weekend, between Friday and Monday I got a total of nine hours and then for the week following I think I got maybe 20....yeah, I think I just may have a reason to be tired.

How do you know when enough is enough? When do you say, "Fuck you! You aren't allowed to hurt me anymore! Get the fuck out of my life! Have fun destroying yours, but you can't touch mine anymore!"? I think I have found that point...I love him more than anything, but nothing is going to keep me with him anymore. He can cry, he can bitch, he can get pissed, he can get all skitzed, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! HE'S NO LONGER MY PROBLEM! I have tried and tried and tried and no matter what I'm wrong and it's ok for him to stay out all FUCKING night and not tell me where he is, he thinks that I buy that "I FELL ASLEEP AND JESSIE DIDN'T WAKE ME UP!" BULLSHIT! You were awake motherfucker. No, I don't know what you were doing. But I'm pretty sure it had something to do with that shit you and your bitch friends like to do. Here, let me refer to it the way you prefer since the way I say it is wrong: MDMA! You fucking happy? I hope you are. You just threw away the best part of your life and the sad part is you are too fucked up right now to realize it. But when you are, you are going to fall so fucking hard and this time I won't be there to catch your sorry ass! I'm threw with this bullshit! This is not a marriage! This is me trying to help you and getting FUCKED over and over and over and not enjoying a minute of it! I can't do anything right by you, so I'm threw fucking trying. You do whatever the fuck you want to with your life. You wanna throw all your money away on gambling? DO IT! You wanna throw your money away on drinking? DO IT! You wanna pop that shit so you can deal with reality? DO IT! I don't care anymore, you have once again taken away every reason I had for loving you and they won't come back. You don't know how to love and you sure as FUCK don't know how to tell the truth! I don't know what the fuck you're talking about when you said that I was talking shit, but whatever, I'll tell you every MOTHERFUCKING word I said about you and this pisspoor thing that is supposed to be our marriage! But see in order to do that you'd actually have to grow a pair and talk to me, but you aren't concerned with that right now, are you? No, of course not, because it's the weekend and you think that once again, you can come home, crying like a little bitch and all will be forgiven! Well FUCK THAT BULLSHIT! Never again you fucking bastard! You can take all of your bullshit reasons and excuses for being fucked up and shove them straight up your fucking ass because I don't have to listen to the bullshit anymore! And if you think this is the end of it, you are sadly FUCKING mistaken BITCH! I'm going to take you for every motherfucking thing that you have! Anything that I can take, I 'm going to because you have taken away all of the happiness you may have ever made me feel and filled me with hate and anger! And guess what? I'm not going to take it out on other people and allow it to ruin future relationships (YES I WILL HAVE THEM, I DOUBT YOU WILL! NO ONE WANTS YOUR DUMB ASS BULLSHIT WITH ALL OF YOUR FUCKING PUSSY EXCUSES! AND BY THE WAY, IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH YOU BEING A FUCKING MAN! I DON'T THINK YOU'LL EVER BE ONE YOU FUCKING PANSY ASS BASTARD!) No, I'm gonna take it all out on you motherfucker! That's right, it's all going to come back to you, all the pain you put me through, all the times you were too busy to talk to the one person who actually gave a FUCK enough to try to help you get your shit together, every time you said FUCK YOU! Well guess what BITCH? You're about to feel all of that and so much FUCKING more! I hope you're ready to pay you motherfucker! I love you! Oh wait, I don't think I do anymore! :)~

It's been a while since I've written and with good reason. Things have not been the best in my part of the woods...I am beginning to question once again the concept of love. Last year when I found out that Michael had been lying to me for a year about things (if you know me, you know what he was lying about), I adopted my english prof's philosophy on love: an excuse people use to FUCK. Sorry if that offends any of you, on any other day I might actually care, at this moment I do not. Let's see, where do I begin? Well I guess the only place to begin is the beginning, but if we began there I would have to discuss my husband's shitty upbringing and how his parents never taught him how to be a man in great detail. And let's face it, I don't have the time and you probably don't have the patience. But that is what my problems branch from. Michael took it upon himself to lie to me on numerous occassions about where he was, what he was doing and who he was with. He also proceeded to wipe out all of the money in our bank account as well as right checks for almost two grand at those check cashing places which are now hitting our bank account before we could pay any of our bills this payday. Well, on Thursday he decided that he is not going to come home because he doesn't want to and does not call me. At this point I have had enough because two weekend ago he left for work on a Thursday and with the exception of ten minutes that Saturday morning when I tried to break his car window to beat the living shit out of his friend, I did not see him until 7:30 Sunday evening when I got home from work. And this has been going on for about the past month and a half....he doesn't know how to come home when he goes out with his friends. Hell, truthfully, a part of me wonders everyday if and when he will come home. So I take it upon myself to call his seargants and tell them what is going on. I explain to them that our checking account is currently overdrawn a g and we havent even paid our rent yet. Well, obviously they pull Michael aside to address these issues and Michael does everything but come out and call me a liar. He shows them a bank inquiry from the day before saying that we have over 400 in our account and swears that we have already paid the rent. So I could a call back from a seargant telling me this and basically informs me unless I have proof, it is my word against his because he has that stupid piece of paper. Well, while I'm on the phone at work with his seargant, Michael calls me on my cell phone, so of course I am crying hysterically while his seargant is on hold and he hears all of this, so now he knows who is telling the truth and asks me to call him back when I get through talking to Michael. So Michael proceeds to yell at me how he's going to get pissed off if he gets an Article 15. This basically continues and Michael is crying and hyperventilating and won't get off the phone, so I have to leave work to talk to him...which I wanted to because I want to help my husband get better. So I have left work for about maybe 30 minutes and he decided that he doesnt want to talk to me anymore. So I print out our bank statement and take it to his seargant and talk to him for about an hour and a half. Well basically I don't talk to Michael all of last night and then he started texting me asking me where I was cause my car wasn't home and I told him I was riding around because I didnt want to be home by myself. Well we start talking and of course, I said something that set him off and he hung up on me, so I call him back and ask him not to hang up on me and before I can get it out, he of course, hangs up on me. So I call back and leave a vm saying that I'm not gonna do this shit with him all night because I have to work all day today. Well about 5:15 I woke up cause I'm weird like that, and I was just laying there and about 5:30 I got a text message from him, so we text back and forth until 7 and thats when he decided he didn't want to talk to me anymore. So today has been a battle of talking to him whenever he decides he wants to talk to me. And when I got home, the house was straightened up and All My Life was playing on his computer on repeat and I am still listening to it. He said he's going to be home some time tonight, but it's probably going to be late so I should get some sleep and he'll wake me up when he gets home. I honestly think I am going crazy...I have always had the mentality that when it comes to things I really want, I am not good enough to get them, no matter how hard I work. And apparently it's holding true for this situation as well. I want an honest relationship...I work my ass off for it, but I guess it's not enough...I never seem to be enough. I try so hard to be what he needs...it's still not enough. I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels. I told him I will stay by his side and fight for him, for us, as long as I know I'm not doing it alone. If I'm doing it alone, what am I fighting for? Everyone I talk to who knows whats going on says that I should leave him and just get on with my life. The one I hear the most is, "You are such an intelligent, beautiful young woman. You could have anyone that you want. Why do you stay and put up with his shit?" And the answer is because I love him and I want him. Not this horrible person that he is being right now, but the Michael that I know he is deep down...the Michael he wants to be. But on that same token, I have to love him for who he is, not who he one day could be...so I told him if this is who he is happy being, that's fine, I am not judging him, but I refuse to be a part of it. I also asked him if he had realized that he wasn't ready to get married. Once again, I won't judge, I just need to know so I'll know what I can do about my life. I don't want it to be my life, I want it to be our life, but if things dont change, it's going to become mine again and I'm afraid I won't share it with anyone for a very long time. I am fucking exhausted. I worked 12 hours today on my feet after going through this. The funny thing is I'm not physically tired other than my feet hurting a bit, I'm just mentally exhausted. My eyes hurt from crying so much and staring at the computer screen is not helping so I think I will say goodnight for now...as I'm sure you were waiting for with this long ass entry of mine. I do apologize for venting so profusely...hey wait a minute, to hell with that, that's what this damn thing is for...just look at it as I made up for lost time. Michael I love you...please come home to me.

Well turns out i really dont feel like typin in this thing, so yeah....

what do u do when u dont know if u can trust someone anymore who has become such a huge part of your life. in fact so huge u have vowed to spend the rest of ur life with him and yet u no longer know when he is tellin u the truth and when he is lyin...what do u do? i found an email from a girl wantin to get together with him because he seems interesting....i wonder if she knows he is my husband...i wonder if hes told her...i know they havent spoken on the phone because her number was in the email i read...and i cant call her because the stupid bitch left a digit out so i dont know what her number is...never in my wildest dreams did i think he was or would ever cheat on me...even when he was doing drugs...he hs gotten a new habit of sittin in his car for long periods of time and drivin around aimlessly in the middle of the night...i woke up and he wasnt here and when i called him he said he was at walmart...well since payday is tomorrow things are tight and we only have one pack of cigs (which he took with him)...so i went to walmart to get the cigs partially and partially to see if he was lying...and low and behold, he was, he wasnt there and of course now he wont answer his phone...i left him a voicemail after callin him about 50 times tellin him that hes now a 15 year old kid and he needs to come home...that was about 45 minutes ago, where he's at i dont know....

My back hurts...it feels like there is about 300lbs resting on my lower back and the pressure needs to go away and my husband just informed me that there is heat comin off of it, so yeah...I have no idea why its hurtin..but oh well. Well Michael has been tryin to help me raise my self-esteem, and I have been resistin...cause let's face it, I just don't seem to like myself all that much, but I'm workin on it. He also gets huffy cause I don't like spendin a lot of money on myself...doesn't matter if it's clothes, electronics...doesn't matter...I just have a phobia of spendin a lot of money, I guess it comes from growin up with none. But that I'm tryin to work on as well. I think I'm makin progress cause I spent $150 at Hot Topic and only got two outfits and a ring out of it...I still think that it's too much, but he is hellbent on convincing me otherwise...so we'll see how that goes. We went to Wal-Mart tonight and got some movies and a new t.v. so we can put the other one upstairs and have one downstairs. I'm so happy I have off tomorrow. I have an interview tomorrow at Curves for a 5:45 a.m.-9 a.m. shift MWF. It'll be a good way to just have some extra money to save and spend in New Mexico this summer. Something good happened in the direction of gettin the ass. manager position at work yesterday. We had the vice-president of sales for the entire company in our store and he told my regional sales director to put me into a manger's position as soon as possible! whoo-hoo! That's right...comin from the VICE-PRESIDENT of the company! So I think it's gonna happen very soon...well at least I hope so, it should happen comin from that high up the foodchain...well, I guess we'll see. And something good happened today...I talked one of my bestfriends from Edna into movin up here with me! I'm so happy! Lisa I love you! She's gonna come up here in December whenever we get a bigger place...I'm so happy, I miss her so much, I can't wait for her to get up here...things seem to really be going well...even though I miss Texas like crazy, I think Washington is doing me some good, isn't doin anything for my skin tone, but hey, that's what they make spray tan for!