It's been a while since I've written and with good reason. Things have not been the best in my part of the woods...I am beginning to question once again the concept of love. Last year when I found out that Michael had been lying to me for a year about things (if you know me, you know what he was lying about), I adopted my english prof's philosophy on love: an excuse people use to FUCK. Sorry if that offends any of you, on any other day I might actually care, at this moment I do not. Let's see, where do I begin? Well I guess the only place to begin is the beginning, but if we began there I would have to discuss my husband's shitty upbringing and how his parents never taught him how to be a man in great detail. And let's face it, I don't have the time and you probably don't have the patience. But that is what my problems branch from. Michael took it upon himself to lie to me on numerous occassions about where he was, what he was doing and who he was with. He also proceeded to wipe out all of the money in our bank account as well as right checks for almost two grand at those check cashing places which are now hitting our bank account before we could pay any of our bills this payday. Well, on Thursday he decided that he is not going to come home because he doesn't want to and does not call me. At this point I have had enough because two weekend ago he left for work on a Thursday and with the exception of ten minutes that Saturday morning when I tried to break his car window to beat the living shit out of his friend, I did not see him until 7:30 Sunday evening when I got home from work. And this has been going on for about the past month and a half....he doesn't know how to come home when he goes out with his friends. Hell, truthfully, a part of me wonders everyday if and when he will come home. So I take it upon myself to call his seargants and tell them what is going on. I explain to them that our checking account is currently overdrawn a g and we havent even paid our rent yet. Well, obviously they pull Michael aside to address these issues and Michael does everything but come out and call me a liar. He shows them a bank inquiry from the day before saying that we have over 400 in our account and swears that we have already paid the rent. So I could a call back from a seargant telling me this and basically informs me unless I have proof, it is my word against his because he has that stupid piece of paper. Well, while I'm on the phone at work with his seargant, Michael calls me on my cell phone, so of course I am crying hysterically while his seargant is on hold and he hears all of this, so now he knows who is telling the truth and asks me to call him back when I get through talking to Michael. So Michael proceeds to yell at me how he's going to get pissed off if he gets an Article 15. This basically continues and Michael is crying and hyperventilating and won't get off the phone, so I have to leave work to talk to him...which I wanted to because I want to help my husband get better. So I have left work for about maybe 30 minutes and he decided that he doesnt want to talk to me anymore. So I print out our bank statement and take it to his seargant and talk to him for about an hour and a half. Well basically I don't talk to Michael all of last night and then he started texting me asking me where I was cause my car wasn't home and I told him I was riding around because I didnt want to be home by myself. Well we start talking and of course, I said something that set him off and he hung up on me, so I call him back and ask him not to hang up on me and before I can get it out, he of course, hangs up on me. So I call back and leave a vm saying that I'm not gonna do this shit with him all night because I have to work all day today. Well about 5:15 I woke up cause I'm weird like that, and I was just laying there and about 5:30 I got a text message from him, so we text back and forth until 7 and thats when he decided he didn't want to talk to me anymore. So today has been a battle of talking to him whenever he decides he wants to talk to me. And when I got home, the house was straightened up and All My Life was playing on his computer on repeat and I am still listening to it. He said he's going to be home some time tonight, but it's probably going to be late so I should get some sleep and he'll wake me up when he gets home. I honestly think I am going crazy...I have always had the mentality that when it comes to things I really want, I am not good enough to get them, no matter how hard I work. And apparently it's holding true for this situation as well. I want an honest relationship...I work my ass off for it, but I guess it's not enough...I never seem to be enough. I try so hard to be what he needs...it's still not enough. I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels. I told him I will stay by his side and fight for him, for us, as long as I know I'm not doing it alone. If I'm doing it alone, what am I fighting for? Everyone I talk to who knows whats going on says that I should leave him and just get on with my life. The one I hear the most is, "You are such an intelligent, beautiful young woman. You could have anyone that you want. Why do you stay and put up with his shit?" And the answer is because I love him and I want him. Not this horrible person that he is being right now, but the Michael that I know he is deep down...the Michael he wants to be. But on that same token, I have to love him for who he is, not who he one day could be...so I told him if this is who he is happy being, that's fine, I am not judging him, but I refuse to be a part of it. I also asked him if he had realized that he wasn't ready to get married. Once again, I won't judge, I just need to know so I'll know what I can do about my life. I don't want it to be my life, I want it to be our life, but if things dont change, it's going to become mine again and I'm afraid I won't share it with anyone for a very long time. I am fucking exhausted. I worked 12 hours today on my feet after going through this. The funny thing is I'm not physically tired other than my feet hurting a bit, I'm just mentally exhausted. My eyes hurt from crying so much and staring at the computer screen is not helping so I think I will say goodnight for now...as I'm sure you were waiting for with this long ass entry of mine. I do apologize for venting so profusely...hey wait a minute, to hell with that, that's what this damn thing is for...just look at it as I made up for lost time. Michael I love you...please come home to me.