It seems to me that is what we as humans thrive off of. Why can't we ever be happy when we are happy? We complain day in and day out how we wish things could be simple and drama free, but if that is true, then why is there so much of it flying about? Just doesn't make much sense to me. I am a very outspoken person and anyone who knows me will tell you that I will be the first one to share my opinion and if you agree, fabulous, if not, I don't really care a whole hell of a lot. But some things don't need to be taken so seriously and then some things should be taken more seriously than what they are. I feel like I may be falling into a trap. I watched Girl, Interrupted last week and felt a certain closeness with Wynona Ryder's character. I want to find out who I am and at most times I know, and then there are spurts in between where I feel such fits of rage and sadness and I just want to hurt him so much. How could he do the things that he did? What did I do to make him feel those things about me? How could he throw away our life together or did we ever really have a life together? Did I just fool myself into thinking that we did as an escape to get away from the things back home I no longer wanted to deal with? And if that's the truth, then what does that say about me? I know that's not the case, I believed whole-heartedly that we had an actual relationship and I thought that if I provided him with enough emotional support I could help him become the man that he said he wanted to be. Maybe the case is that he didn't want to become a man, well there is no maybe to it, he didn't want to. He wants to be an immature brat and get what he wants without having to do any of the work that you have to put forth to have a life worth having. Back to my borderline personality thing...I have times where I feel like that, they normally come late at night when I can't sleep or when I'm driving around or just when I start thinking. For instance, the other night I went to the fair with one of my friends and her husband and his sister and her boyfriend and my friends husbands sister asked me if I was in my apartment yet and told me that Deena told her about some of my situation and I just started thinking about it and started feeling very crappily. Of course it didn't help that I played the fifth wheel that night. Not that I'm having a problem getting dates or anything like that, I'm actually having an issue with too many guys being interested in me at the moment, imagine that, I think that's just hilarious. But seeing them together and me being by myself, that just kinda sucked. And back to the numerous guys, I've seen a few, but nothing serious, obviously I won't be ready for anything serious for quite some time, but I'm just concerned that I'm going to get caught up in just having fun and lose myself and who I am. I am much happier being in a serious relationship with someone I care deeply about and the feelings are returned. But I want someone who respects me and will be honest with me and take care of me on those rare occassions when I feel like being protected. Has any of this made sense to you, cause I'm getting kinda confused, but these are my thoughts, so here you go. My drama director from the last high school I went to said I mind masturbated too much. I think she may be right. I have two guys who care very much about me and would like to have a serious relationship with me and they are both great guys and any girl would be lucky to have either one of them, but they are both military and I am just way too emotionally insecure and selfish to be with someone who will spend most of our relationship away from me. At any other time in my life it would not be a problem, but I just cannot deal with that. I just want someone to spend time with and be a good friend and not cause any of the drama bullshit that my life is surrounded in right now. I wish...well it doesn't really matter what I wish because it can't come true. I just wish that people could deal with their problems maturely and let things go. If you know a relationship is over, don't hang on to it and don't try to be friends until the wounds are healed because all you will do is drag it out and end up hurting each other so much more and possibly lose great friendships. Don't talk smack about people behind their backs, especially if you havent already or are going to say it to their face. Let people be who they are. Everyone's different. Do you really think that everyone needs to be exactly alike? Is everything going to be all better if everyone walks around doing the same thing, wearing the same thing, saying the same thing? Yeah, I don't know what this entry was supposed to be and I sure as hell don't know what it ended up as. This is why I have sleeping problems right here, because I can't stop thinking. It doesn't matter what it's about. I just can't stop thinking and it's driving me bonkers. And I don't want to think about him because then I'm letting him occupy more time of my life and I refuse to let that happen. He stole enough from me. He's locked up, he can't have anything else damnit.