RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS lyrics - "By The Way" Standing in line to See the show tonight And there's a light of Heavy glow By the way I tried to say I'd be there waiting for Dani's the girl is Singing songs to me Beneath the marquee Overload Steak knife Card shark Con job Boot cut Skin that flick She's such a little DJ To get there quick By street but not the freeway Turn that trick To make a little leeway Beat that nic But not the way that we play Dogtown Blood bath Rib cage Soft tal Standing in line to See the show tonight And there's a light on Heavy glow By the way I tried to say I'd be there waiting for Dani's the girl is Singing songs to me Beneath the marquee Overload Black jack Dope dick Pawn shop Quick pick Kiss that dyke I know you want to hold one Not on strike But I'm about to bowl one Bite that mic I know you never stole one Girls that like A story, so I told one Song bird Main line Cash back Hard top Standing in line to See the show tonight And there's a light on Heavy glow By the way I tried to say I'd be there waiting for Dani's the girl is Singing songs to me Beneath the marquee Overload

Well its been a while since i've written in this diary, everything is going great. I feel very fulfilled as of late i have a bit of focus as of late it's a great feeling. I'm goning to let mrs sova take a look at some of my poems for the contest feb 10th. Everyone has told me that their good, just kinda wanted her opinion since shes all poetic and junk lol. I also havea feeling this wekend is going to be great. depending weather pat goes to dnd sunday , i don't know if i'mma go. Besides i need some quality time to relax. Sigh* everything is just alot less heavier right now. ><

"Firefly" You my friend You're a lot like them But I cut your line And you know I did Now I'm lost in you Like I always do And I'd die to win 'Cause I'm born to lose [Chorus:] Firefly Could you shine your light Now I know your ways 'cause they're just like mine Now I'm justified As I fall in line And it's hard to try When you're open wide Take my hand We'll be off and then We'll come back again To a different land Now I like this way You can go away If you guess the name You cannot replace [Chorus] Bring me your enemies Lay them before me And walk away [Chorus] Fuck you firefly Have you lost your light Now I hate your ways 'cause they're just like mine So you lost my friend Such a sorry end And I don't know why So I choke and smile I just love this song...

I was talking to someone.. and they asked where i was.. and i said this. i never really thought about the things i say. Far far from here. In a place that lacks evil, pain and darkness. Someplace inside our minds that no one can touch, we can dive into the water of thought and not worry of drowning. To stare up at the sky and not fear that you are not just a speck in the blackness, but a light of hope in the cynics of society. A place... that a single memory can spark a smile that lasts a life time in a blink of an eye.. Thats where we are. Once a person finds that. well i think thats.. thats where i stay..

ghost in a shell I sware not to tell Without merrit nor addvice not again, will i do it twice A momentary laspe of madness i give up a vow, soul's harness acting apon my contemplation. to fulfill my hearts one asperation. into shadow i vanish...

Well i finally got the internet back which is a plus. Sigh theres just not a whole lot to say anymore. Mreh oh well this is a good stop to type lol.

I feel very cool and collected right now. Everything seems to be going real well as of late. The only thing that really hits me hard is the fact that its all going by so fast. It just doesn't seem like i'm a senior. Youth is such a precious thing, now that I think about it.Its there... then gone in a instant. Hmm i'm not saddened by this. I want the dive into life, to explore the unknown figure out more of who I am. Fear doesn't really register right now. I think it will time though. On a more surface note, today was the soc. presentation regarding organ selling. i had a good deal of fun. i got to rant a bit, then Mr. p kinda put me back on topic...lol yeah was all good. i think Pat, Kyle and myself managed to drive away most of the opposition we faced. I also managed to wear my Grandpa's old 1950 over coat with a republican pen...(not a republican though). ^^ Ha. Good times BEAT THAT JESSICA FRANKOWSKI! Yes yes we shall crush them all!! FOR THE GLORY OF CYRIC!!!!! ur...em.... i mean jesus... yes.. Phil and I's senior project is finished which means we can edit all of the fine details when it come to the actual movie production. think its going to really rock. Ugg... i wish i could get this Girl out of my head. Damn those weird infatuations!!! But i've always had a strange choice in women...sigh. lol oh well. " Dead men dont talk"-long John silver ( note: this has no relvance i just felt like saying that.)

I have been in a sense taking a vacation recently. Not nesessarily from a particular place, but mental. running through a sandstorm, and avoiding the pitfalls. God the sand is hot...should have worn the proper shoes, but hey at least i have my umbrella, isn't that enough? Well yeah of course it is lol. maybe its just better that way. Hmm its really hard to say.

So here i am in socialogy trying to chat with god online. To my surpirse he seems to have no real opinion on "if we as people should be able to sell our organs." Well as you all probably can guess this really annouys me. Comment on your opinions.

I just dont get it anymore... People, too many worries in this world to really put much thought into anything. Sigh i dont even know why i use this thing. All anybody says is negative or venting. Its true, i even find myself doing the samething. I think SD is corrupting in a sense. Its just my preception. Peace and quiet would be a nice refreshment i think, not just for me but for everyone. " Just step into my minute of madness."

What to say, what to say... there really hasn't been a whole lot to say anymore. One in a sense can only put so much in writing...or in this case typing. I'm very very drained... everything is like slow moving sand. I was sitting at home yesterday drawing, to find that what i thought was 2 hours to be merely a whopping 14 minutes... Sigh but time is a illusion to many. Progress is often redundent in its own cynical iquiries. Time never really seems to stick with me it seems. I never can keep track of it or place anything in the future more than a mere glimmer. Sad but true. Alot of things are happening to my life right now... My mom lost her job... and she has to go down state to find something better. Its a real shitty job market up here... i can't even get out of my crappy job. well at least i have one. So that will leave me up here to take care of my elderly grandfather throughout the week.She will only be able to come up for the weekends. She wants to sell the house in feb and move after i graduate.I dont know what i want... Its not like i can't handle it... i know i can its just i didn't want to have this kind of responsibility at 17... but sometimes we are forced to grow quicker then we can handle.I feel like i'm 30, where did my youth go...? This is only the tip of the ice berg...theres so much pain beneath... I feel my skin tearing inside and out... bleeding at times. My life is turned upside down yet again. But yeah... good ol Ryan keeps that happy persona all the time... i think that little bit of me keeps me sane. Regardless of what is put in front of me, i going to deal with it and continue. Hope is a dangerous thing..decieving in its nature i believe...but in the end its all we have. "Vanish into the echos of a forgotten time..."

Well its been a while since i have bother ed to update this thing, Yeah i know its been a long time. Alot of things have been happening, as of late mainly social issues. Everthing has been all confuzzling. well in the sense that i dont know what to believe anymore. Well alot of things are being said and it just seems like everyone is caught in massive chain of backstabbing. I dont know maybe its just me. Everyone is on edge about everything. hmmm.. yeah its all very confuzzling. Kristy confirmed something that i kinda had a hunch about.Lot of things kinda fall into place a bit. I dont really know how to take it, Because i dont really know that much about the person. I think that I have to seriously think on it.

Things have been strange lately to say the least. I been having alot more energy, but the weird thing is that i haven't really been sleeping all that much. Its really odd. I have had time to reflect on issues in my life, and i finally see the whole picture.Well i dont know really what caused it perhaps it was that long dramatic self enlightenment speech that Mr. Pruess gave in Ap. Geo the other doy or maybe it was just the 2-liter of mountain dew i down the following night...*shrugs* i just dont know. But i feel invigorated, and i need to do something out of the ordinary. Hmm...blerg lol. I am hoping to try out for some scholarships, and i might try a few in the art dept. i put alot of time into i might be able to pull it off. I'm kinda happy of myself because i finally rached my goal of weighing 190. I havent weighed that much in a long time. Its nice because i feel like a feather all the time. It was certainly not enjoyable of getting down from 218 but i did it.sooo much... klondike bars... I can't wait for sunday its going to awsome. I just have feeling that it will be.

Well everything seems to be all blurry right now. i mean i have a crap load of school work piling up on me... like a slow but steady poison...ug lol i can barely conentrate on anything. Mreh lol. My Soc pres sucked really bad. Nothing really seemed organized. No surprise huh. lol i never work well with jocks...sigh but i seem to always get pairded with them in the end. Just trying to keep my sanity right now. i think i'm getting alot better. Not so much worring like i used to do. Life seems to deliver a lot of introverses i think, i'm about to get a few soon. Its just a feeling i'm getting. I can't tell if they are going to be good or not but i feel something is a-foot.Not quite tangable, or something i' if all that seems to sound right. Lol almost likea self fulflling prophacy, or maybe just a weird turn of events. Mreh... who knows or maybe i'm just putting to much thought into things lol. I create my own fate in the end. To obtain something you have to sacrifice something of equal value. Such simple truths are often the most acceptable. hmm i feel all poetic lol

Yea Lol that makes no sense of course.XD.the weekend awas aummm....... whats that that word ppl use to discribe that thing you use to open your letters with... um.. yeah it was that. Yeah my mom was away so i got drunk and had wild animal like sex with this chick next door.LOL i cna't even imagine myself doing that! lol no pun intended. oh... man thats pretty bad. No i just kinda sat around a bit. Pat came over and we played dnd which was funness. I managed to sleep for 14 hours yesterday which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy like. I have been trying to practice me geetarrr more but i hAVE LOST ME DAMN TAB SHEET! ( mind the caps) my backspace key are broken so i have to keep ttyin even though its be so wrng. lol this is funness. I feel alot better than b4. Mreh i can't wait for tommarrow...ummmm ... yeah i can do stuff more. ug... its so hard to type while playing unreal tornament... mreh this is so hards. either ways i'll get biggem foods after me done. P.s. boom shaka lacka boom shackalacka!!!!!!!!!!

Well today is... whats that word... um blah... yeah its kinda like that. Everything is slow paced and i feel drained from all the chaos at home and school. I got to talk to Mrs. Macnamara abou colleges, i was surprised to find that i have alot more oportunities than i thought. I dont know i just thought i had to do some things a certain way. I just want out of my life... if thas possible. I just want to embrace independence, and a personal freedom. If all that sounds right. to me right now it jsut doesn't seem like i have alot... i am lonely at times. For once i would just like to share the load of everything, or at least distract me from reality... even just for a second. Maybe thats why dnd is so addictive, we act the way we want in a fantasy realm or wonder and make believe... just what i long for at times. But everytime i just get thrown back into my weighted husk of a self each time... sigh this is all so depressive. I dont want to be. time heals all wounds i think... but the scares run deep and to the core. hmm i think i need to write some of this stuff down more! its sounds so... umm... poetic =P. Well pats comming over tonight i hope and that should be awsome. I plan to really enjoy this weekend.

Wee.... i'm writing in this thing cause my power point. Well i just my tenth slide and the animations and then all of a sudden oooh.... by the fucking computer crashes.... YARRRRRRRRGGGGQ!@QSWer ! and i did save it!... sigh i guess i can do it later... like when i feel more constructive. Mreh i feel all goofy now, its odd, well no not really i'm almost always odd. But hey yeah... about the dnd thing i'm staying nuetral granted i do see everyones points but i just think some stricker reasonings should be applied to the annouying people. Seperating everyting doesn't really do anything...except piss people off in the end. Either shut up and play, or go the hell away... seems relatively simple i think. But for sunday everyone needs to bring a space heater ... i'm bring my blanket.... yes i said blanket oh booo hoo lol. =P. at least i'll be warm bitches. hehe well i'm done for now. tomarrows another day indeed.

today wasn't too exciting besides the fact that i basically got into a screaming match with my mom... i'm not talker to her really any more... i just want out of the house, i just want to live, open up and breath in a sense. See the world.. and travel to a foriegn country or something even though that sounds all cheezy. I dont know, mreh i got to work out after school a bit with Rachel, and Ben. Kyles got my motivated for the wrestling thing, but i'm not completely sure i want to do it. Well either way i want To tone my self more. Ug i just feel all so lazy right now lol... I AM TIRED. ug better not think to hard haah!! oooh i'm hyper =P. Tomarrows a new day, and i plan to make the best of it ya know. hmmmm. i just got Toxicity of the internet... the tabs do intrigue me they seem very simplistic, and mellow. Although i want to also learn some howie day for some reason. Ya know get the best of both worlds mreh.

I almost completely forgot i made this other SD. It slipped my mind for a while i didn't think i would actually really need another one. I chose daywalker as my user because i always feel that i've always kinda shown my other side to people and cuveted my real one. In a sense i live by a night and day. Its really hard to say who i am, because i shift it so much, but i am getting closer to learning that each day. Today at pats was fun, i mean it was alot of needed to do hanging out. We played purdy good, although i didn't care for all the racket. Mreh, and there was too many people i definatley agree with Justin on that. Sigh what can ya do. I wasn't expecting some people to show, but i guess it made it more interesting. Sigh all the immature garbage gets very annouying after a while, but i guess we are all like that. Tommarrow i can just relax and vegetate like i want to. Its kinda nice not being tied down to anyone right now. I mean i want to be close to someone sure, but i think i needed a break from it, ya know to get back my bearings. Lol i think i'm gunna try a whole new approach to relationships now. More, umm.... how to say it, like go with the flow kinda deal. Much better that way. Somethings shouldn't need thought to function. Well whatever works lol, its all about having a good time and being yourself. I'm philosophical by nature, and that part of me isn't going to be supressed, Never again.

Dream's end Fly, little vampire, through the night You think you control the wind you ride Go, vampire, bring fear and fright You think you're a god in your foolish pride But immortality's just a vampire's dream Never I'll rest before you're gone Your blood will flow in an endless stream The dream will be over when I'm done I Pray Crimson be Your Paint Chilled hands grope the drunken vessel Marble fangs clench for lingering drops. A muted gasp from the moon marks the time As the cracked cobblestones catch your fallen feast. The weeping silence shudders your soul While you wrap yourself in the torch's dim cloak. Ecstasy embraces desire in your gaze And pleasure kisses the lips of your bloody smile. The world fondles your musical laughter As a child would his shattered toy. And your shadow stifles a sound so profound Earth's heart forgets to beat. An artist in death your smile, Your dark canvas echoes in the night. I pray crimson be your paint. Cover me, my lover, your pallet.