SO i when to this party the other night and had hella amounts of fun. Everybodys was like "arn't you in SADD?" but i didn't care. it surprised me some of the ppl that were there, but it was cool. i dont feel so empty anymore. i mean, i actually let loose and had fun with out careing about what might be the backlash. I spent today and yeasterday with Christine and Sam and it was also alot of fun. when we got back from this one persons house, we watched Alot Like Love and we all passed out, then we all slept all day. so i'll talk 2 us guys later Ben

You know, some times i wish that there was a way to put more then just one mood. So i guess ill say a few words about homecomming before i get down to it. hamburger, snow, slurrpy, water slide, wait no i take that last one back, i want to save it for later.;) So i hate having so many friends, but being alone. there are 2 firls who i really like but they arn't interested. i'm not naming names, but the first likes this other boy and even if she liked me i dont no if i could cuz it would hurt her x so much. then the second i think is just not interested, but shes a good friend so i cant acted on that either because i want her to be my friend still. life sucks. so i sorta got in a fight with Mr. Ewald today. we had a project due on fri and it, like most of the rest of the project rested on my shoulders and the only person who would actually help, her slide for our slide show wouldn't work so i couldn't print out the outline i needed for class, anyways, i got it printed and turned in today and it was a day late, which is what he said was ok, but when i turned it in he wasbeing a dick and i said that there were 4 others in my group, i done need to here him bitching at me because i could only do so much. so he got mad and finally told me to leave. so i did. that was an interesting thing. Also this celtic music im listening to is awsome, it is very clamingand stuff. Ben

So today im just bored but in a im having fun kinda way. jaws killed me today. i have nothing to talk about except i have no date 2 HC and i think i might just die or wait i am dead.HMHMHMHMHM. ok im done. oh yeah, rae gave me a cool braclet today but my mommie might take it away prob. ben

So i havent written in a while, i think im done with this. i do now have a facebook account, its under my blood email, for those who no it. car, u need to add me, and those of you who dont have a facebook should get one, but make sure its a high school one. Ben

So most of you missed the point, the message was just 2 Kyle and Car. we were all a group and would hang out and stuff and all i would talk about was my b-day. then Kyle and car stoped talking to me and kyle was making up excusses to not hang out with me when i was trying to get a date for us to hang out before school. then when i got on line last night, they were both on and didnt say a word to me and i felt bad. i mean Jaquie who i havent seen in 2 years and never get to talk to sent me an email, but these people who i spent all my summer hanging out with couldnt care less. Justin, i didnt mean top affend u by what i said, it just really hurts my feelings that almost every day of the school year you would call me a fat ass and tell me not to come into the auditoriam cuz u hate me. the first few times its a joke, but after a while i feel bad.

So first off, who got on under my name and deleted my friends? well fuck you who ever it was. Second, my brithday was on sat. i got one call from rae and she came over, but the other people i considered friends didnt say anything and still haven't. i geuss i was just stupid to think i finally had friends who cared. i mean 7th and 8th grade i had Justin but he never really cared, in fact he was sorta a asshole to me. then i have Rae and she cares but i never thought i would have a group of friends ti hang out with or anything. then this summer i have both the Eng. Lit. group and the little group over here, Rae Klye Car and me. i thought you guys cared and were my friends, but i guess not. i mean when i last talked to kyle he blew me off on the phone like he didnt want to talk to me, so i guess ill just take a hint. by the way kyle i want my garbage tape back. Rae, i have waterball practice 2 morrow at 8, u should come, its awsome. Ben

So i geuss im not going to go by isaiah, no one ever calls me that. maybe ill just go by ike. What do you think? holla back, girl;), and let me no. sorry that was corny. so ne ways. i've decided not to doi sports this year. oooohhhh by the way my b-day is next sat, the 20th and ill be 18!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !! Oh yeah, i just goty this really cool trunk. its one of those really old trunks like u would take on the titanic or a gangster would put a body in, u should all see it... so im done rambleing ill see u all around. Ben

So i have changed my name. i am now going to go by Isaiah. for those of you who dont know, Isaiah is my original name. my mom changed it shortly after i was born so ive decided to go by it for now. -Management

I am colorblind Coffee black and egg white Pull me out from inside I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am... taffy stuck and tongue tied Stutter shook and uptight Pull me out from inside I am ready, I am ready, I am ready I am fine I am covered in skin No one gets to come in Pull me out from inside I am folded and unfolded and unfolding I am colorblind Coffee black and egg white Pull me out from inside I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am fine I am fine Counting Crow: Color blind So i have lost rae as a friend for now. i told her i couldnt be what she needs me to be and that i just want to be her friend. i said that if we when back out,that we would just have to break up next year, if we make it that long, and last time we dated, when we broke up it almost ruined us and if we do it again we'll prob. never talk again. now kyle hates me cuz i took out some steam with him before i talked to rae and he thinks im an asshole. im sure carla hates me cuz rae called her crying, so i just would like to no who else hates me so we can all quite pretending to be happy with each other. i promise not to take offence to what is said, and even welcome ann. messages. but tell me how you feel. Ben

i am: depressed confused distrot disturbed annoyed paranoid hopful concerned tired worryed sad unwell alone surrounded trapped desprite so whats new with u guys?

So i havent been on here in a while to update, but popular demand brought me here now. I'm tired of some things and have wanted to restart for a while now so i think its the best thing to do right now. who knows what will happen, maybe ill realize that its ok how it is now, or maybe i will never be the sam, but thats how shit is right now so if you dont here from me for a few days, im takeing the cards advice and thinking and figureing out what im going to do about things. Ben P.S. i'm changing my e-mail and maybe my diary.

so in our conversations, i may use the signs "!!" this means "durka-durka" for now on. if in a conversation i use "!!," just imagine my annoying voice saying "durka-durka." Thank you for your coroperation, Management P.S. My Weener itches!!(durka-durka)

so i am bored and have nothing to do. sooooooooooo..... hows life yous guys? Ben

WHO'S GOT MY D&D BOOKS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!!??!!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!

so... i feel a lot better now then when i wrote thta last entry. Fuck being a goth i am actually pretty happy being a spaz. i have gotten over some stuff, some stupid stuff, but im over it, water under the porpose!! so im really hyper and horny!! in a good way. like the Yes-I'm-Horny-And-Know-Im-Not-Gay-Wow-That-Girl-Has-A-Nice-Ass kinda horny, and i really want to go to a night club and grind with people and stuff, so if anyone has ne suggestions tell me. Ben

So i just found out that i am not who i want to be to some one i really care about, actually the only person i really care about. i never wanted to come off to this person as i geuss i did. i never knew what was going on with us and just found out. over the last few days i've looked over my "friends" and realize i'm no longer who i tried to be. i was so much more happy as a goth and now im just a fake. i just want the person who i've hurt to know that i am sorry to have treated her like i did. i have found who i am and wish to be alone now. its sad to say this again, but fuck u all. i'm tired and am pulling away from what has been the best thing in my pathetic life, the people who i have attached mysef to at the expense of myself. i feel this song: Hurt i hurt myself today to see if i still feel i focus on the pain the only thing that's real the needle tears a hole the old familiar sting try to kill it all away but i remember everything what have i become? my sweetest friend everyone i know goes away in the end you could have it all my empire of dirt i will let you down i will make you hurt i wear my crown of shit on my liar's chair full of broken thoughts i cannot repair beneath the stain of time the feeling disappears you are someone else i am still right here what have i become? my sweetest friend everyone i know goes away in the end you could have it all my empire of dirt i will let you down i will make you hurt if i could start again a million miles away i would keep myself i would find a way Goodbye- Ben

Well, i come home today and i dont no what to do. this camp has tought me so many important things and i have met some new interesting people who i have befriended and will probably never see again. but on the flip side, i really miss Rachel ashley car kyle patric the bug justin christine my folks mom and even chris, all because they are home to me and this is one of those box things that Miss Young is always talking about. well ill be home around noon. see you all then. Ben P.S. i never thought that going a week with out seeing girls as girls would hurt, but damn i cant shut my eyes, my mind starts to run;) P.P.S. see you all soon.

SO i think that this week has been really good for me. i have been talking to people i would have been afraid of before. im not being shy and ignoring people, but am hanging out with these guy and have figured some stuff out in my life. its cool. ive been swimming in the big ass pool, played volleyball, soccer, been depressed got over it, made new friends, showered in public, and carla, i have gotten over public toliets. well i have to go. ill talk to usguys later, i love u all. Ben PS everyone wish my sister a happy birthday will u, her sn is binky

So i am just the Defence attorney for Harrison City. the guys in my city are awsome. we've bonded well, and have each others backs. today we vote for state possitions and a friend from my city is the nationalist parties candidate for Lt. Govener. hey rach, he's going to CMU also so u might meet him. so i have to hike to the capital building today, its 4 miles each way and im not looking forward to it. Rach im worried about you, if u need me tell so and ill come right home. ben P.S. if you read this, please leave a comment ur comments are getting me through this week.

Hey You guys, so it is my first day at Boy's State and its been ok so far. I've decided to run for prosecuting attorney and the to run for the supream court. if someone could, please call my folks and tell them i said i'm doing ok, because the only pay phone in the building has been removed!! wtf!! neway i miss you all, it is hot as hell down here and my head is pounding. Ben