Carla broke up with me. I feel terrible about it for a number of reasons: She's alone now, and since Will passed, she's alone at a time when I promised I would be there. My love is going to be wasted, because I'm not about to stop loving her. I know everyone is going to tell me to move on, but I don't care. I'd rather love her and never anyone else rather than forget. I don't know how to end conversations, since I can no longer say that I love her, even though I do absolutely and totally. I'm happy because hopefully she'll learn to be happy and then things will get better. I hope she comes back. I know I sound stupid, but I really pray to god that she comes back to me. I feel lousy. I'm trying to stay strong for her though, so maybe she'll see that I can be better. I hope she comes back. I doubt that she will, so I guess my love with be wasted. But in the end, I'd rather "waste" it on her than give it to someone else.

So, here's the back story of Dennis. I grew up being raised by a lot of different people, but the main one I played with and ran around with was Dennis, a guy my dad coached in football for 10 years. We would play football, wrestle, play hockey, just run around, do basically everything. I learned to be who I am mostly from him. It's strange, because we look a lot alike - built, freckly, red headed, pale or red skin. Well, I spent a good 12 years of my life around this guy. He taught me a lot of things in my own life. I always thought of him as the amazing, macho guy who has a beautiful wife, a successful softball career, great friends, and a satisfying life and career. Overall the kind of guy i want to be. I found out about a month ago that he's gay. I know he doesn't read this; he's an adult, has a job and a family, all that stuff. I just want him to know, though, whether he sees this or not, that I'm thankful for everything he's given me. I love him like a second father, like an older brother, like an uncle. He was there for me when things got really shitty, he was there when they were great, and he was just plain there. He cared about me. It had nothing to do with sexual preference. I don't care if he's gay, bi, straight; hell, i don't care if he's a friggin monk. He's the same exact man I knew when I was six years old. I just want to thank him, and to tell him I'm still a messed up kid like I used to be, that I love getting scratched up playing football, that I love my significant other with the same power he loves his, and that I'm proud of him. I want him to know that no matter what he'll always be with me, gay or straight, dead or alive, old or young. I miss that big guy. I love him too.

I made a Quiz for You on QuizYourFriends.com CLICK on the link below or PASTE it into your browser. http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz.php?quizname=051102160121-876991 currently (4) people are making me angry. Any guesses as to who they are? Here's a hint: I'm not dating any of them. I'm not remotely interested in any of them. Three of them are female. (go figure :D) Any guesses? AND TAKE MY QUIZ!

I am a wrestler. I wrestle with my past failures; I wrestle with my demons of doubt; I wrestle with my pain and my scars. I wrestle with my mind My heart and soul My love and hate My joy and sorrow. I wrestle with myself With my opponent and his pains. In the end I will be victorious. I am a wrestler. I'm friggin psyched for the season to start. Regionals for cross country is like another day compared to my season of wrestling. I'm waiting. Is it bad that I tell myself I love pain so I keep running on my bad knee, or that I smile when I bleed, or that I laugh when I dislocate my shoulder on the mat? No. It's just me. Love it or leave it. Carla, thanks for doing the former.

I ate food...ug. Too much. Anyway, hello faithful readers (all...none of you). I'm finally back from my private entry whiplash. I feel a little sick right now...maybe if I would've eaten more slowly it would've gone down easier. Meh. Had quizbowl today -- I was almost excited because I might've gotten the chance to be an alternate, had the stupid moderator not gotten sick. Of course, the one time I might get to play, where am I? Alternate who doesn't get to play because lady is stupid. Probably ODed on dimeatapp. grumble. says she has a PHD in english but can't even fuggin read. grumble. On a happier note, I got my soc done today. This makes me happy. Now all I have is my Senior Project, which he needs to go over with me anyway. On a worse note my dad yelled at me for doing my homework, even though he yells at me if I don't have any. Fucking lovely. *sigh........* Deep breaths will make this better. think of things I love. Carla. Sleep. Carla sleeping. Carla. Music, bass guitar, guitar, carla, carla with music, dancing with carla, did I mention sleep and carla? I feel like my head is going to explode, because of his shit. I'm always a "fuckin failure" to him. I love it. I guess I'll always be a fuckin failure. I doubt there is anyone else who believes that I'm a failure, but it feels amazing hearing it from your own father. sigh....I need carla. really badly.

I'm finally awake from the darkness that covered me for so long. I'm back, Carla, and better than ever before.

I made a deviantArt account, showcases lots of my art. I highly suggest you check it out. before-the-end.deviantart.com

Come on, guys. Kanye West? Do I listen to Kanye West? No. Carla Sexed ME, bitches. hahaha!

YOU HAVE BEEN SEXED! Spread the legs and go at it! Pick any of your friends who you think don't get much lovin' (or maybe they do!) and, SEX THEM! (you can copy and paste this message on their userpage!) RULES: 1- You can sex the person who sexed you, of course. 2- You can sex the same person as many times as you can (c'mon, ENDURANCE)! Be creative!* 3- You -MUST- spread the sex! At least 1 fuck is fine and dandy! 4- You should sex in public! Be adventurous, damnit. Paste it on their user page so they feel slutty! 5- Random sex is perfectly okay! 6- Please, don't worry about same gender sexing, it's HOT. 7- You should most definitely get started fuckin' right away! This is about showing everyone how much you care for them and HOW BAD YOU WANT THEIR ASS! Make everyone feel a little loved (and roughed up!). Please don’t take this too personally, BUT I JUST FUCKED YOU, AND IT HAS NEVER FELT SO GOOD I leerve you!

I'm in disbelief again. Is it true, did I miss a moment when You held me so tightly That I could feel your eyes crying slightly? Have I been blind All the times that come to mind When you smiled at what I'd say Even if I said it every day? Have I deafened my ears For those times when you laughed through fears? Have I numbed my skin When my arms you would seek refuge in? Am I so amazing That nothing short of dazing Could make me forget what I'm making? Because I certainly can't stop shaking Every time I see you. I disbelieve what goes Through your mind -- "he surely knows Just how to make me Sigh and smile so contentedly." I'd have to say Things don't always like to go my way But when they do, I see it in your eyes, in you. There're only a few times When I can't think of strengthened rhymes To match your beauty to a lake Or your eyes to love for love's sake. Sometimes I disagree When you say so many happy things to me; I'm not sure why But somehow deep inside of me, I Cherish the moments when I Can see truly that I Am everything you say.

In Your Eyes I know my Clothes don't quite Fit my body shape well. I hope my Dreams are right: That to you I could tell: In your eyes I'm everything but an imperfect man. I'll never ask why Promise not to cry? I'll keep that promise whenever I can. I'll try to hold These till I fold So you can remind me of what I am And that I'm everything to you. I know my Hair is kind Of shaggy and ragged. I could try, Try to find How not to be jagged. I'm not everything you see me as I'd be amazed when I can glance In the mirror and see The things you see me to be. When I'm staring at a handsome face That's when I will be amazed. Yet, In your eyes I'm everything but an imperfect man. I'll never ask why Promise not to cry? I'll keep that promise whenever I can. I'll try to hold These till I fold So you can remind me of what I am And that I'm everything to you.

Any Colour You Like no relation to the pink floyd song, by the way... I'll be any colour you'd like to see Colour me black, or white, or red. I'll be the everything I could be If the colours are straight the day we wed. Thinking of becoming a blue eyed horror A green eyed lover and fighter Looking into the windows and mirror I see that they're a shade lighter. My hair could turn black if you'd like Or blonde, silver, dowsed with gold Not there? It'll still be your like But red is all I offer at this fold. Would you like my tie to be white sky? My suit to be onyx stone, or green? I could bring yellows if that'd fly; I'll be the most amazing you've ever seen. I'll try still make it great for you If you will let me do this deed I'll be any saturation or hue I'll be any colour you need.

Hear ye, hear ye, this be thine announcements of this past weekend: Friday: I didn't have practice, so I had this plan with my mom to ride the bus, nab the car when she got home from work, haul ass to the school to hang out with the group before Corpse Bride, and have a mostly sad night. I was robbed. I got out of 8th block, went to the locker, and started to open it. Then, a pair of hands cover my eyes. "Guess who?" Well, there were about a million people in the world that could've been; I had a pretty good idea, considering my next words were "I don't know, lemme check the anatomy of the chest to see." :D. Yes, folks, Carla, the lying woman she is, told me she would be at the club on Friday, and instead showed up as the mystery guest. That truly made my entire weekend worth it. The week had been shitty as hell, then she came up to see me. I was about a millimetre from tears for a while. Bad stuff happened as far as rides for Sam, who got ditched Friday morning, and also whom I told I could give a ride to if I had a car. Whatever - if she's pissed, oh well. Steve should be doing his "job" as a boyfriend and taking her home, at least - something he bitched about. Anywho, the movie was, as usual for a Tim Burton outing, especially one with Johnny Depp in it (not the first time, mind you), exquisite and near-perfect. I would say that Nightmare Before Christmas still has my vote as all-time uber film, but this one had lots of updates to the animation, and a powerful story. I seriously was touched, and by a movie about marrying a corpse. Saturday: Waking up at 6 has never been so difficult. Went to bed Saturday morning at 1:30, got up at 6 so I could shower and shave before CMU and You day. That turned out to be a really fun experience; some lady said something about being comfortable on campus, and Mt. Pleasant is almost exactly like the town I grew up in. I love that place. I hope I get accepted. Went to lunch with Carla and Mom, which was awesome. Had a veggie burger, and I think I'm smitten. hahaha! Went to the CMU football game, laughed about how the crowd would chant bullshit even when the penalty called was obvious (no, really, sir, the receiver didn't pull him down by the facemask and cause him to slam facefirst into the turf...:)) Met Ann Marie, who is like a miniature cuss machine. She curses like a 4th grader, with whispers. :D CMU lost. :( Car and I hung out at her dorm till 7:30, went home, and she and I tried to watch Just Married. We fell asleep at 10:30 :D. Today: Woke up around 9:30, cuddled and watched TV with Carla. Grandma and Grandpa came over, then everyone left except Carla. That was strange! She left around 12:30, called me at 2 ish with news that she got a 96 on her math test! I'm so proud. Did my homework, did the dishes, got soaked by the storm, got online. What more could I ask for? Oh wait, an awesome love song mixtape. Well, got that. ;P

Working till 7 pm tonight, at the library. It should be a fun experience, plus Pat and I get PAID!!! WOOT. To theWife: Patric says hi, he'll be down tonight for FUN. With me of course. :D. I might not be on tonight due to homework, but otherwise all should be well. Callme after 7:30. I love you and miss you.

Time at Clare: 23:30. Time at Ellsworth: 21:30. I dropped TWO MINUTES!! WOOT FOR ME!! Hell, Saturday was a day and a half for our whole team. Chase: 16th, Me: 21st, Colin: 32nd, Zack: 35th, John: 36th. The girls did great too. Cat: 3rd!!!, Rachel: 13th, Katie: 19th, Megan: 23rd, and a million others. I'm very content with my life these days. I mean, it's hectic, but I still likes it. Had an awesome weekend this past one. I love hanging out with Car; I love shopping withher, even though she usually hates me afterwards. I keep making her spend money. :)

For those of you having problems dealing with the recent tragedies of our lives, especially those who are blaming god, please remember the teachings of the book of Job. I'm not at all religious in a Christian/Catholic sense. I'm a Celt. My gods are completely different. But from a literary standpoint, Job makes a good point. In the Book of Job, Satan bets God that faith in Him will falter in the face of adversity. God puts His faith into Job, the most religious and sinless man of all creation. He turns Job's life over to Satan with but one guideline: Do not kill Job. After Job is thoroughly broken and tattered, on the edge of death, stricken with despair and peerless, he still hasn't renounced God. He finally does, by saying simply "please, take me and end this all." God comes to him and essentially says "Don't question me. I created everything, and I am the beginning and ending of your existence. when you deal with the hardships I face trying to keep you all alive, then you can complain." Job realises that everything - pain, suffering, disease, everything - is in His plan. Finally, Job is rewarded for keeping his faith through all of the hardship. It just goes to show for all the believers: God has a plan. Note that I am NOT trying to force views, because any accusation of that is stupid and blatantly pointless. I'M NOT CHRISTIAN. I'M NOT CATHOLIC. I'M NOT MONOTHEISTIC. I just thought that a text like the Book of Job was an interesting view of current events.

Nik Lionberger. I knew how to spell his name only because they made a sign for him and put it up in the halls. I knew his face because he would walk into Mrs. Murray's room when I was auditioning and say "I'm Jesus." I knew his voice because of his generous, boundless laughter. I knew his smile because it was always there -- even if covered in blood. I only knew him. I didn't know HIM. I never will. That's why I cry -- because one more view of life, one more beautiful soul, one more library of infinite knowledge has burned to the ground. I cry because I asked for a moment of silence and was praised for something I ask for anyone's death. I cry because my Adv. Drama class pulled together around Justin and I and had a circular group hug/cry. I cry because Zack Dombrowski led us in one of the most beautiful prayers I have ever heard. I cry because his death made us all equal -- class meant nothing in our school that day. It was dead silent because we were all hit so hard. I cry because I wish it would've never happened. I cry because death is so mysteriously beautiful -- it is the only thing that makes all people equal, and seems to be the only thing that can cause our school to rise up and become one unit again. I cry because people abused his death with their insincerety. I cry because people fight when we know he would have wanted peace. I cry because I never knew him. But most of all, I cry because "in every death that must occur, it reminds me; in every toll of the iron bell, it tolls for me."

I heard a new song, from a band I've never heard of. Me likey. The lyrics are awesome and I likes the delivery. Ask me some time and I'll let you listen. Anywho, yesterday's news: Found out I got the lamest part of all in the musical: I'm a fuggin coatrack. Don't ya love that? I got a lead last year...this year, nothin. I have four lines in the ENTIRE PLAY. I SING ONE SONG. Apparently I suck at singing. Whatever. Passed out at Cross Country practice due to the heat. Got a blood test and it turned out that I didn't have enough electrolytes in my system, so I passed out. Note to self - need to eat something with some kind of salt in it. Went to musical and liked it for a while; well, until I heard Joe. I really am mad that he got the part I tried for, especially since he's 1) late for every practice, 2)too "Joe" when he acts (and is almost nothing like maurice) and 3) probably sings better than me. Went to bed after a nice conversation with Carla. I miss her. I really love her, too. Today's news: Had a tornado drill in Adv. Drama. Boy that was lame. We got to cram into a hot, sweaty practice room, and I got groped QUITE A LOT. Too many girls on my case these days. I'M TAKEN. Had the AP Psych test, which was quite easy. I really liked it, actually; easy, quick, painless. Which means I most likely failed it. Ben took charge in yearbook. I got title page, and that's it. I volunteered for like 3 layouts whilst many people just sat there and talked or played on the comps. There was a maximum of 4 people volunteering for the 16 layouts. It was the uber stupidness. We need to slice and dice some of those people out. Cross country today: third one to finish the 4 miler. in 92 degree weather (84% humidity, so about 97 degrees). We got done approx. 5 minutes before anyone else -- i actually ran fast. I think tomorrow I'm gonna try to stay around a 20 minute pace. If I find a fast guy, I'm there. Musical tonight...fuck it. I'm within centimetres of quitting. It's pointless for me to be there, far as I'm concerned. And now, our feature, Carla and her awesomeness. Carla is soooooo awesome, it's almost like she's a goddess on earth blessing the unworthy Kyle with her amazing beauty and just plain coolness. I so wish I could be her.

The American Red Cross needs your help. Starting next week and continuing until the families of the tragedy called Hurricane Katrina are safe and comfortable, I will be collecting clothing and nonperishable food items for the American Red Cross and Salvation Army. I'll put a thing in the announcements, and I'll be sitting out at lunch waiting for donations. Please, anything is acceptable in our ongoing fight to protect the lives of those who have been hit hardest. Canned, dried, boxed food that won't spoil, clothing, blood, a little money -- anything is helpful. I can't take the blood, but those of you who are at least 17, please donate. I'll be collecting it all and sending it to the nearest ARC headquarters (most likely the Mt. Pleasant branch) weekly, so please give a little bit. Accepted items: Toiletries: toothbrushes, toothpaste, toilet paper, paper towel, aspirin, "hygiene products," etc. - Food Items: Canned, boxed, dried, frozen food that WON'T SPOIL. - Clothes: Any kind of clothes you happen to have, in any sizes. - Money: Any amount from 1 cent to 1000+ dollars is greatly appreciated; 100% of the funds collected are sent to the Red Cross/Salvation Army. Thank you, everyone, for your help. Together we can face yet another of the horrible tragedies of 2005.

"Having a grudge when you die is the leading cause of supernatural activity and reincarnation. So you're fucked if you don't like bein a poltergeist, bitch." - Satan on Futurama, to Frye who had a grudge against his parents for never paying him back 3.50 that they owed. Dude. I need to not hold grudges. Time for new me.